Rite Aid
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Rite Aid is a drug store chain with operations in 37 states, the District of Columbia, California, Mars, and your backyard. The chain is noted for selling cheap but high-quality (yeah, right) drugs and drug parephernalia, even to people who have never toked up once in their lives. Rite Aid is also known for building all of its stores to look exactly the same, even down to the fact that all of the cashiers are actually clones of each other.
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[edit] History
Rite Aid was founded in Scranton, Pennsylvania, by Alexander "Smoking" Grass, who wanted to start a drugstore chain like no other. Instead of selling prescription drugs, his operation would be a glorified drug dealer's house disguised as a pharmacy to fool the authorities. Specially trained "pharmacists" would "prescribe" doses of popular drugs, such as weed, cocaine, Pixy Stix, weed, HeadOn, weed, HeadOn, caffeine, HeadOn, kittens for huffing, weed, HeadOn, diabeetus tesing supplies, and God knows what else. Grass decided to name the store "Right Aid", since the pharmacy section was on the right side of the store and he happened to have AIDS. However, because Grass had been a drug user all his life, he couldn't spell worth a damn, and put "Rite Aid" on the sign instead; the misspelling stuck because none of the customers ever noticed.
[edit] Expansion: It's outta controooooooooooooooooooool!
The chain, with absolutely no advertising at all, soon grew to four stores in Scranton, followed by one in Intercourse, of course. By 1976, six had opened in Cleveland, three in Tokyo, six on Venus, and the world's largest in Red Square in Moscow. In 1995, the chain suddenly opened over 9000 in the Detroit area (after an assimilation acquisition of every other drugstore in Detroit except for Walgreens, which would not hear of such nonsense). Their expansion grew wildly out of control, even resulting in two or three, or even eight, popping up on the same corner. Sometimes, they would even take over a whole strip mall and convert every shop in it to Rite Aid. By the 21st century it was clear that Rite Aid was becoming the Starbucks of drugstores. Heck, they even opened one on Irk, but Zim destroyed it.
[edit] Left Aid
Given the immediate success of Rite Aid, Grass founded a second chain in 1998, called Left Aid. (It is still unknown how he managed to spell "Left" correctly.) Left Aid stores were different in that they featured the pharmacy section on the left side of the store. Many customers (all stoned out of their gourds) were confused by the difference in layout, so the Left Aid stores were destroyed acquired by CVS/pharmacy in 1986. It was then that the Rite Aid chain made the decision to construct all stores in exactly the same design, so that customers would not become disoriented. Plans had been announced to create a third chain called "Center Aid", but Grass had gotten so wasted by then that he ended up selling the Rite Aid chain unknowingly in 2010.
[edit] Store formats
Rite Aid is known for always placing its stores on corners so that they may be more easily seen by customers, especially those who are sick of the lousy service at Walgreens. Of course, Rite Aid stores are disguised as actual pharmacies, so they also advertise such nonsense as "One-hour photo" and "Foodmart" (what the hell is a Foodmart anyway?) on their signs to distract from what the store really deals in. Because the chain's customer base often has a bad case of the munchies, Rite Aid stores also feature a faux drive-thru lane, to give the appearance of a fast-food outlet. (The presence of a drive-thru lane could have also been because the first location was actually a converted Hardee's.)
Some Rite Aid stores also contain a GNC, which is short for "Good N Cheap" (again, crack heads can't spell for crap). GNC is the deep, deep discount section, where the cheapest of stoners can buy weed that's laced with filler, such as sugar, tobacco, or urine. But hey, they can't tell the difference, right?
[edit] Rite Aid facts
- Company motto: "With us, it's personal… and that's why our salespeople always hang on you like leeches... especially if you're buying something embarrassing like condoms."
- Average sales in a day: $25. (Druggies aren't known for having a lot of money, and generally tend to pay in nonconventional forms, such as paper clips.)
- Number of locations: 624,389,157
- Drugs: Over 9000, with 6000 more available on the Internet. (This does not include sales of HeadOn.)
[edit] Pictures
 A Rite Aid store in Scott Depot, West Virginia. |
A Rite Aid store in Intercourse, Pennsylvania. |
A Rite Aid store in Accident, Maryland. |
A Rite Aid store in my backyard. |
A Rite Aid store in Glasgow, Scotland. Or Tokyo. Or Mars. I forget. |
