From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Welcome to my office, dear antisemits and Goiems. this is where the selected few of Israel's finest are being translated for you, useless vermins and heathens, to enjoy. so sit back, relax and have some hala.
|English - Hebrew||Hebrew - English|
Dima Bilan is a Russian pop-orgasm singer, famous throughout Europe thanks to his international hit "Back orgasm in San Fransisco". Dima was born in December 24, 1981, in the soviet union capital, Moscow. and was raised to serve the supreme soviet union.
Dima grew in the warm and loving, -27° streets of Moscow. his family lived in a small apartment in northern Moscow. in the apartment also lived three other families, one of which was a decadent capitalist family. poor Dima was educated in the morals and principals of Communism and Russian Catholicism , while the family that shared his single bed taught him of capitalism, and the real meaning of the word "Bird" (Shaken, not stirred.).
after his father's and brother's death in the soviet union Vs. the rest of the world war, Dima, using his capitalist connections, borrowed money from an American investor and opened a grocery store. being the naive man-boy he was, he was sure he could trust the American investor. because whats not trustworthy about a very rich American Jew? for some reason, Dima found out one day that his bank account was empty. Having to find a way to put food on the table (or a least meat scraps of a Random Hobo), he found a job in the Russian food chain, Mc'Borsht. after a freak accident, in which he accidentally stuffed his manager in the Industrial food processor, He lost his job, and was forced begging in the streets, and barking at children for money.
After Dima barked at a small child, who just happened to be a Russian Gulag-warden, he made the Russian evening news. it was then, when Lenin records inc.'s CEO, Boris T. Randomname, decided to sign him to the label.
Dima began performing in birthday, Bachelorette and "Bachelor" parties and the occasional Bar Mitzvas. After his first song ,"Back-door breach", was a huge success, he climbed up the ladder of Russian super stardom, and his career continued, with his one goal in mind, wining the Eurovision song contest.
In the Eurovision
In Russia, the Eurovision is the most important event of the year, aside from being yet another excuse for drinking lots of vodka, its the one time of the year that the rest of the world actually cares about Russia. so, being chosen to represent Russia in the Eurovision is a great honor (the money, fame and women aside). and this, more then anything, was Dima's lifelong dream.
Two times Dima was honored by the Russian people, and was sent to represent them in the Eurovision. the first time, Dima was sent with the sing "Come in me now" (in the Russian version, "cum in me now") to Athens in 2006' he came in second place. the disappointment of losing the contest made him sink in depression (and the angry mob with pitchforks and torches didn't help either). Dima managed to get over the loss in 2006, and was sent again to the Eurovision, this time in Belgrade 2008, with the song "Believe". to the astonishment of all of Russia, and 60% of all Botox using women, Dima won the contest, and brought the victory to Russia.
as an honor for his victory for the Russian nation, he was awarded an honorary execution by hanging.
most of Dima's fan naively believe that Dima died during the appreciation ceremony help for him by the Russian government after wining the Eurovision Song Contest, and they're right. but what most of them don't know, is that Dima was tested positive for HIV three days before the ceremony. it is believed he got it from Michael Jackson, who mistook him as a minor.
Most famous songs
- 2001 - "Back-orgasm in San Francisco"
- 2001 - "Back-door breach"
- 2002 - "Cum in me now"
- 2004 - "Damon in the closet"
- 2006 - "straight as Russian official"
- ↑ which worships st. Vladimir, the inventor of Vodka and horse glue.