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“Rascal invented gravity, then threw an apple at Newton to test its effects. ”
Archibald "Rascal" King is the most dangerous Englishman alive. Heavily decorated field operative, trained in the deadly art of Queensberry rules and cane fighting, he has served in a supportive role in many revolutions and wars, leading to his barrack nickname "That vicious bastard with the eyepatch".
Rascal was born in 1902, the only son to his parents Lord Robert King XII and Lady Guinevere King. Rascal earned his nickname through numerous attepts to slip Cyanide into his father's Earl Gray.
At the age of 19, Rascal left home and sailed on the back of a Lolrus to the North Pole, where he wrestled an angered Polar Bear to death (He still keeps the hide of the bear as a blanket). After which he was recruited into S.H.I.E.L.D. by Jack Daniel, and since then he has aided her majesty The Queen on a number of missions as an undercover operative. His skills are well documented, as for a man dressed in a top hat and eyepatch to go unnoticed in Afghanistan is nigh on impossible.
After the last Kree/Skrull/Womble war, Rascal has been working with known acomplices Ant_101 (AKA "Chewie"), Lahor (AKA "Nasty Girl") and Just_me82 (AKA "Ché Me") to aid in The Great Spam War and uproot the 13-15 menace from the internet. The mission is sadly ongoing, and he awaits the day he can close the book on this case, and retire to an English pub somewhere in the countryside. They will serve warm lager, and have a Pong machine in the corner.
It is worth noting that he does not actually have one eye, rather he wears the eyepatch as a handicap to his opponents, particularly the unfortunate souls who challenge his title of "Best Bloody Mario Kart Player In Leicestershire". He hopes one day someone will beat him, as it is getting rather bothersome to hide all the bodies.
- Rascal is a Gemini, and abides by his horoscope as long as it suits him. If he is having a bad day, or he runs out of Coco Pops, he has been known to hunt down and dismember astrologers.
- Known to collect Transformers, he is in the process of training them to pull the perfect English pint. Key members of his collection are: Optimus Prime, Carl Jung and Bagpuss. Through his training, he has discovered that Decepticons have a habit of stealing peanuts for fuel.
- Aside from his initial victory over a Polar Bear, Rascal is commonly associated with the defeat of the dreaded Orochi after it invavded Pantsucon 2003 - Japan's leading convention of middle aged men perving over schoolgirls. It has been documented that Rascal fought the beast for three hour straight, before challenging the Orochi to a drinking contest. Rascal gained the upper hand after switching Sake for English Scrumpy, and decapitated the beast soon afterwards.
- Rascal has gone by many aliases over the years, including: The Reverand Jacob P. Galvatron, The Earl of Bagel, Tommy Rockafella, Mar-Vell and Tripredacus Agent, to name a few. However, he normally goes in with his own identity, in a "Thrashing first, questions later" manner.
- The Lolrus he procured for his first adventure has repeatedly tried to bring legal action against Rascal, on the accusation he is still in possession of his bucket, which Rascal used as a bargaining chip for passage.
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