User:Random pipings/Gustavus Adolphus
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== Gustavus Adolphus (b. 1594 BC, d. 1632 BYM) == ---- Latinized form of Gus the Dolphin, a hyper-intelligent dolphin with severe psychological issues.
Gus the Dolphin was discovered off the coast of Sweden and was believed to have been chased there by Phoenician fishermen. When it was discovered that he could talk, he was taken to SeaWorld. However, he proved to be an untenable addition after he tried twice to kill Shamu. He was arrested and taken to jail by police. As he was being carted off, he is reported to have said, "I'm going to f***ing bury that whale, I have done it before, and I will do it again...I'm going to f***ing kill Shamu." An extensive psychoanalysis reveals that Gus is highly narcissistic and suffers from dangerous delusions. Currently he is being held at...what the hell....crap oh no tioerwj437fdsjR903809 fdsfads ds AHHH!!! Jsdjtriu3438MDFSDjdsnl
== Gustavus Adolphus (b. 1594 BYM, d. 1632 BC) == ---- King of Sweden, awesomestest person evah, and l33t-m4$t3r at all computer games
Hi, I'm Gustavus Adolphus. I want to clear up a few misconceptions about myself. Basically, I rock. I was king of Sweden for many years, but it was hard because Sweden is plagued by hurricanes. Also Sweden has many natural enemies, including Siberian tigers, Eskimos, and Denmark. Despite these difficulties, my reign was a successful one because I rock the hizzouse. In large part my success is attributable to my wise foreign policy. My Secretary of the State, Steve Ballmersson, was an enormous help to me. My foreign policy can be summed up by his most famous saying: "I'm going to f***ing bury that guy, I have done it before, and I will do it again...I'm going to f***ing kill Denmark." Because my country was short on both money and men, we decided to go to war with Denmark, Poland, and Russia all at once. Sort of like that G.W. Bush guy. Anyway, all three countries were full of pansies, so after only 18 years of warfare, which left the country even more poverty-stricken and depopulated than before, we decided to go to war against the Catholics so that we could abolish purgatory. Because I was so awesome, and winning all these wars and stuff, I got really good at computer games. Then people started saying nasty things about me.
I want to make one thing clear. I AM NOT A F***ING DOLPHIN!!!!! I'm human, just like you and me. I just happen to have....well....a really long and pointy nose. I'm currently in counseling to help me with the self-esteem issues I have as a result of my poor looks. The counselors don't say much. Apparently they don't like holding their counselling sessions in a tank of water.
Can I just say that being King of Sweden rox my soxxorz? Sweden is the coolest country ever, for three main reasons:
1) Sweden was the first country ever to legalize porn. 2) Sweden was the first country ever to legalize porn. 3) Sw3d3n wuz t3h first country evAr 2 l3g4liz3 pr0n.
This is the real reason Hitler left us alone in World War 2.0, even though he completely raped Norway and Denmark. He knew that those hot Swedish chicks would keep putting out just so long as his German grubs kept their hands off. Actually Hitler's wife, Eva Braun, was a lesbian with a thing for Swedish porn. Hitler also did us a big favor by wiping out those dumb Poles, who did nothing but whine about how it was their turn to sail their toy sailboats around on the Baltic Sea.
In 1632 I faked my own death at the battle of Gluten in Germany. God thought I was dead, too, so he let me into the netherworld, where I invaded purgatory, completely destroyed it, and sent all the people there to hell.
Since then, people have been trying to replicate my awesomeness, but have failed miserably. Like that Charles XII nutcase, who also declared war on Poland, Denmark, and Russia all at once. In 1709, the kings of Denmark, Poland, and Russia had a highly secret meeting. Only one piece of paper has been found, and it is signed by all three kings. It says: "We're going to f***ing bury that guy, we have done it before, and we will do it again...we're going to f***ing kill Charles XII". After that Sweden wasn't famous for anything besides porn.
Quotes on Gustavus Adolphus:
"In Soviet Russia, purgatory abolishes YOU!" - Oscar Wildesson