User:RAHB/HowTo:Become A Rapist
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
| HowTo |
This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series.
See more HowTos
Before we begin, I want you to stop and think about the link you just clicked on. You are reading this article because you want to learn how to become a rapist. Now, I'm sure that if you've come this far there's no persuading you to the contrary, and far be it from me to infringe on the lifestyle choices of innocent internet denizens such as yourself. But I do want you to stop for a minute and think about why you're doing this.
Perhaps you want to get on the news. Rapists always get the lead story, after all. If you turn on the news and the lead story is about the weather or the World Series or something then a rape did not happen that day. That's just a fact. And maybe you want to impress the guys down at the pub with the sordid tale of how all this managed to transpire. Maybe, just maybe, you secretly want to be thrown in prison because you find the responsibility of life on the outside to just be too crushing and suffocating to manage.
While these are all logical reasons, they are the wrong reasons. Do not allow yourself to become disillusioned by the media storm surrounding the international rape scene. It's not all so glamorous as it seems sometimes. Only those who are truly best at what they do ascend to the top of the pantheon of famous and renowned rapists, and the chances are that you will not be one of them. So it may be best to just turn back now, go back to your cozy life, drinking shots of department store brandy on Tuesday afternoons, finally finishing that full-scale replica of a Monster Energy can that you've been carving out of goose liver pâté for the past three months, or getting the rims on your truck re-upholstered. I'm sure you can find something to keep you busy.
But if you're serious, then continue on. But be warned that rape is not like other careers. Rape is not a job sweeping the floor of a Taco Bell that you can quit as unceremoniously as you started. It's a life-time position in the Rape CEO's office, running Rape International by the blood of your wrists and the sweat of your brow. And the hours are not accommodating.
edit Getting Started
Rape is a unique task in that its level of preparation can be widely varied for an equally wide variety of results. While lack of preparation will often lead to an unsuccessful rape, this is not always the case. If you prepare your lack of preparation accordingly, your unsatisfactory preparation will have been properly enough prepared that your lack of preparation will have prepared you just well enough to accomplish what you've set out to do in the first place. Which is rape. You set out to rape in the first place.
Full-on preparation however, and subsequent lack of lack of preparation, have also been used to the advantage of many. I remember the first time I brought an electric egg beater along to an impending rape, and how much easier it made the job. Several simple but effective tools can have this same effect, including dental mirrors, gravity boots, slinkys, Grass Roots records, Luden's brand throat lozenges, orange alabaster mushrooms, groovy pants, butter churns, bicycle tires, Elven artifacts from the Era Of Emperor Gzork's Third Reign, Salisbury steaks, rowdy Latin-American soccer players, broken LCD monitors, simple algebraic equations written within an alchemical circle drawn in sidewalk chalk, psychedelic paintings, artificially intelligent robots, and a rich marinara sauce with a hint of oregano, just to name a few.
A successful rape is the end goal, you must remember. It can be easy to forget amidst all of the preparation (or lack thereof), and this has been the downfall of many a would-be rapist. It may help before things get going to visualize the process in your mind, like one may retrace one's steps in order to try to recollect how a previous event happened. Except that in this case you'd be pre-tracing your steps which, while effective, does not in fact make you psychic, especially if things don't go precisely as you envisioned them. Do not let this deter you, as you are not reading an article about how to become a psychic; you are reading an article about how to become a rapist, which is significantly less supernatural and therefore easier.
Other focusing techniques include soaking in warm pudding for the evening prior to the attempted rape.
edit Getting Continued
Okay. So you've gotten yourself suitably psyched up, packed all rape-essential vegetables and minerals within a grocery bag, and donned an extravagant yet tastefully earth-toned trench coat with enough pockets that you're certain it could hold at least seven small endangered species if doing such a thing were indeed relevant to the task at hand, which it generally is not.