User:RAHB/Frank Zappa

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m (Protected "User:RAHB/Frank Zappa": Protected for your protection. This is a path I must traverse alone. ([edit=sysop] (indefinite) [move=sysop] (indefinite)))
(I'm being generous even leaving this much material.)
 
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==Idea==
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=Idea=
 
Write the article from the point of view of Frank (heavily analyze his speech and on-stage monologues for this). Like his autobiography (The Real Frank Zappa Book), he's only writing this article because everybody who's ever tried to satirize him didn't do it right, so he's stepping in to quell the torrent. As such, he renews his partnership with Peter Ochiogrosso, his co-writer for the biography.
 
Write the article from the point of view of Frank (heavily analyze his speech and on-stage monologues for this). Like his autobiography (The Real Frank Zappa Book), he's only writing this article because everybody who's ever tried to satirize him didn't do it right, so he's stepping in to quell the torrent. As such, he renews his partnership with Peter Ochiogrosso, his co-writer for the biography.
   
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Lots of ramblings on about one topic being very specific, occasional anecdotes about boogers or gorilla costumes, mention of concerts in places outside the US, reference to how every other musician who does similar things to him isn't all that fantastic. Political references (in the 80's), etc.
 
Lots of ramblings on about one topic being very specific, occasional anecdotes about boogers or gorilla costumes, mention of concerts in places outside the US, reference to how every other musician who does similar things to him isn't all that fantastic. Political references (in the 80's), etc.
   
  +
Need to get the toilet thing in there with something similar to the BTB quote. Pictures for each era. Lots of conceptual continuity. Try to include lots of actual facts. Weird kids' names, actual place names, occasional slight exaggerations. Under discography list a simple phrase denoting how big the discog is or something Frank would say ("If you want a guitar album, I can give you a list of guitar albums...")
   
  +
"Brian, I could use a little bit more monitor."
   
==From the Original Article==
+
Hendrix guitar.
   
  +
Esoteric multiple-entendres
   
  +
"Because I'm Frank Zappa, God dammit."
   
+
=From the Original Article=
:''For the [[Totalitarianism|totalitarianist]], see [[Frank Zappa (totalitarianist)]].
 
 
{{Wikipedia}}
 
{{Wikipedia}}
[[File:Zappa.jpg|thumb|Big Frank]]
 
[[File:Zappasmaller.jpg|thumb|WARNING: YELLOW SNOW ON ROAD]]
 
   
'''Frank "Violent" Zappa''' ([[December 25]], [[1066]] &ndash; [[9-Eleven|September 11]], [[2001]]) was a [[Canadian|Toronto]] [[Boxer]]/[[Poet]]/[[Philosopher]]/[[Satanist]]/[[Pornography|Porn Star]] and also the inventor of [[something]] called [[music]]. He is one of the first, if not ''the'' first, human to be born. He is a very influential musician, composer and porn star. Contrary to popular belief, he does not actually play guitar, he just imagines the notes. He is also thought to be an omnipresent force in all music. In fact he is well known to be the son of [[God]], despite denial from [[Eric Clapton]].
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'''Frank "Violent" Zappa''' was the inventor of [[something]] called [[music]]. Contrary to popular belief, he does not actually play guitar, he just imagines the notes.
   
 
==Early life and influences==
 
==Early life and influences==
 
In the beginning, God made the light. Shortly thereafter, God made three big mistakes. The first mistake was called Frank Vermont Zappa. Now the reason Zappa was such a big mistake is because God originally wanted to build a poodle, but he fucked up.
 
In the beginning, God made the light. Shortly thereafter, God made three big mistakes. The first mistake was called Frank Vermont Zappa. Now the reason Zappa was such a big mistake is because God originally wanted to build a poodle, but he fucked up.
   
Frank Velvet Zappa was of mixed Daemon, Sprite, Goblin, Fallen Angel, Siberian-Dachshund, and Italian ancestry. He was the oldest child ever born, being age 13 at birth. In January [[1067]] the Zappa family relocated to the surface of the earth because of Frank's [[asthma]], settling in [[Toronto]], [[Canada]], on the coast about 100 miles south of the Arctic. Canada upset Frank and provoked his violent fits. By 1069 the Zappa family relocated because Frank had killed half of the population and was wanted by the Canadian Mounted [[Police]] (not to be confused with their lesser counterpart, the Beth-El Sabbat Hebrew Orthodox Congregation). They moved to a house made of antelope skin somewhere in the desert near [[Las Vegas]]. As an adult, Frank considered moving to [[Montana]] in order to pursue a career as a dental floss tycoon, but wound up spending most of his life working in a gas station.
+
Frank Velvet Zappa was of mixed Greek, Arabic, Italian and Lunar ancestry. They moved to a house made of antelope skin somewhere in the desert near [[Las Vegas]]. As an adult, Frank considered moving to [[Montana]] in order to pursue a career as a dental floss tycoon, but wound up spending most of his life working in a gas station.
   
Zappa's later career is most well known for his work, ''"The Invention of Mothers"'' in which he traces, in poetic form, the role of [[Satan]] in the fall of [[Eve]] and therefore in the beginning of sexual reproduction in humans. Zappa has a lot of followers in [[Wales]]. Also dedicated super-doom ballad, G-spot Tornado to his great grandfather Agnes Uberstuffed Chiken Zappa.
+
Zappa has a lot of followers in [[Wales]].
   
 
==Originality==
 
==Originality==
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== Musical Talents ==
 
== Musical Talents ==
 
Zappa is good at forcing things to make noise. He seems to have built a fortune off forcing things to make noise, which the things being noise-maked are quite against.
 
Zappa is good at forcing things to make noise. He seems to have built a fortune off forcing things to make noise, which the things being noise-maked are quite against.
 
==War and Gigs==
 
 
Frank Village Zappa was rumored to have been present in a war between [[Oscar Wilde]] (with [[Earth]]) and the evil Jack Thompson. Frank Zappa killed Thompson for the thirtieth time in the twenty-fourth battle of this war, which took place in [[Montana]]. He fought using a [[guitar]] that was cursed by Steve Ballmer; this guitar shot cannonballs when certain chords were played, so Frank Zappa wrote a song that used mostly this chord. Ten years later he added words, and named it [[lust|Old Lust]] and dedicated it to [[Steven Tyler]]'s father. He still owns this guitar today, but has installed [[a]] massive wooden stake on it and named it the [[Jack Thompson|Thompson Killer]]. He has since killed Jack Thompson with this instrument at least three hundred times. Zappa´s biggest influence was the Icelandic glue addict, [[Björk]]. Early in the year of 1666 when Björk was playing a gig in Amsterdam/California, she saw Zappa for the first time and then, for the second time in her life, fell in love. But Zappa only wanted to stay friends with her, because he knew that she would make it harder for him to be a professional ice-skater.
 
   
 
==Involvement With The Muffin Man==
 
==Involvement With The Muffin Man==
Frank Vitriol Zappa was creatively collaborating with the [[Muffin Man]] using an Utility Muffin Research Kitchen. Little did he know that the Muffin Man used these funds to create an army of dense, radiating muffins of his own design. The Muffin Man's plan was foiled by the analytic mind-power of [[Captain Beefheart]] who exposed the Muffin Man's plans to Frank Vehemence Zappa. "You thought he was a man, but he was a muffin" were his exact words. He then explained that, musically, the Muffin Man just hung around and knew nuthin. Frank Veg-o-maticus Zappa then repeatedly bludgeoned the Muffin Man with an oversized chrome spoon. After being threatened by Frank Vegan Zappa to have the spoon rammed, rammed, rammed up his poop chute, the Muffin Man gave up and fled to become a serial killer. It has also been speculated that the Muffin Man may have been the feared Illinois Enema Bandit. Law Enforcement sources say one day he'll have to pay, rumor has it that he has said that it "must be just what they all need". The Muffin Man is now wanted by the Brain Police. If you have any information on where he went or when he came from, please contact The Grand Wazoo - do not contact the Brain Police as they're only in it for the money. They even had the unmitigated audacity to beat some boots in front of the Lido hotel. The floozies in the lobby got about as angry as an Eskimo boy could be and told them they should stay with their mommas- as they were kind of stupid and ugly too.
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Frank Vitriol Zappa was creatively collaborating with the [[Muffin Man]] using an Utility Muffin Research Kitchen. Little did he know that the Muffin Man used these funds to create an army of dense, radiating muffins of his own design. The Muffin Man's plan was foiled by the analytic mind-power of [[Captain Beefheart]] who exposed the Muffin Man's plans to Frank Vehemence Zappa. "You thought he was a man, but he was a muffin" were his exact words. He then explained that, musically, the Muffin Man just hung around and knew nuthin. Frank Veg-o-maticus Zappa then repeatedly bludgeoned the Muffin Man with an oversized chrome spoon. After being threatened by Frank Vegan Zappa to have the spoon rammed, rammed, rammed up his poop chute, the Muffin Man gave up and fled to become a serial killer.
   
 
==Death? No...==
 
==Death? No...==
[[Image:zappagore.jpg|thumb|right|150px|Recent picture of the ghost of Zappa]]
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Frank Valarie Zappa was mistakenly diagnosed with prostate cancer in 1992 after a large cannonball was discovered to have been stuck in his prostate.
 
Frank Valarie Zappa was mistakenly diagnosed with prostate cancer in 1992 after a large cannonball was discovered to have been stuck in his prostate. He went along with it and faked his death, supposedly dying on [[December 4]], [[1993]]. On this day, both [[Eric Clapton]] and [[Leroy Jenkins]] simultaneously shed a single tear.
 
 
Zappa later went on to release "Trance-Fusion," one of the greatest [[records]] ever recorded, precisely thirteen years after his faked death. The cannonball was removed from his prostate by Oscar Wilde and now resides at the [[Pizza|pizzeria]] down the street. Oscar Wilde later admitted it was the toughest prostoectomy he ever attempted.
 
 
Zappa's 321st album, Joe's Garage Sale MCMXCIX, is slated for release tomorrow, although your [[parents]] will not hear about it, probably because they don't love you.
 
   
 
==Involvement With The Residents==
 
==Involvement With The Residents==
Frank decided to side with the [[The Residents]] for a brief amount of time. However, during the making of ''Meet The Residents'', Frank found this music to be way too insane even for him, and his [[brain]] imploded right in the studio within 3 milliseconds as a result, which can clearly be heard as a huge "FABOOOM!" at the beginning of the track "Boots". However, he cheated death, and everyone knows why.
+
Frank decided to side with the [[The Residents]] for a brief amount of time. However, during the making of ''Meet The Residents'', Frank found this music to be way too insane even for him, and his [[brain]] imploded right in the studio within 3 milliseconds as a result, which can clearly be heard as a huge "FABOOOM!" at the beginning of the track "Boots".
 
Because he's Frank Zappa, [[God]] [[damn]] it.
 
   
 
==Family==
 
==Family==
+
Frank and his wife, Beelzebub, have three children -- one of each sex. The kids attend Alice Cooper High School and Space Academy.
Frank and his wife, Beelzebub, have three children -- one of each sex. In accordance with his humdrum typical lifestyle, Frankie boy has given his kids names that make them indistinguishable from the other kids at Alice Cooper High School and Space Academy. Their names are [[Peter]], [[Paul]], and [[Mary]]. There is nothing remarkable about these kids, so Frank even forgets he had them. Only the girl, Paul, is unique, but no one seems to know why.
 
   
 
==Discography==
 
==Discography==
 
{{main|Frank Zappa discography}}
 
{{main|Frank Zappa discography}}
 
Frank Zappa is most well known for writing songs about [[Yellow Snow|dog piss]], [[Valley girl|teenage girls]], and [[Peaches|fruit]]. The folks in the music industry recommend, for your own health, to stick to those songs for now. Moving immediately into the Zappa discography before becoming properly acquainted with the grounds on which you are about to walk is grounds for loss of all recognizable sanity. You've been duly warned. If you don't plan on spending the rest of your life in a mental hospital mumbling about Potato-headed Bobby, '''DO NOT''' click the above link. On the other hand, you could join me in eating these yellow snowcones. You can have as many as you want! The [[Devil]] is coming by later with some [[beer]].
 
 
==Notes==
 
*Saying any of the following phrases is considered a prerequisite for being "really cool" and a pseudo-intellectual in over 500 American colleges and universities and non-corporate coffee houses: "I love Frank", "Frank Zappa is responsible for all that is creative in modern music", or "he was a true spokesman for freedom of speech." Taking the "edgy" stance to the contrary is pre-requisite for admission to the Something Awful Forums, where you can be ultra-ironic and fashionably un-hip with all your fashionably average friends.
 
 
==See also==
 
<div style="text-align:center;"><youtube width="425" height="355">=8ISil7IHzxc</youtube></div>
 
   
 
{{Hairy}}
 
{{Hairy}}
   
{{DEFAULTSORT:Zappa, Frank}}
 
[[Category:Canadian musicians]]
 
[[Category:Poets]]
 
[[Category:Evil]]
 
[[Category:Philosophers]]
 
[[Category:Things You Can Eat]]
 
[[Category:Things That Smell]]
 
[[Category:Business]]
 
[[Category:People for whom Quotes are Made up]]
 
[[Category:People with a silly name]]
 
[[Category:People with funny facial hair]]
 
 
[[Category:Names that sound like comic sound effects]]
 
[[Category:Names that sound like comic sound effects]]
 
[[Category:People in Hell]]
 
[[Category:People in Hell]]

Latest revision as of 08:31, November 18, 2011

edit Idea

Write the article from the point of view of Frank (heavily analyze his speech and on-stage monologues for this). Like his autobiography (The Real Frank Zappa Book), he's only writing this article because everybody who's ever tried to satirize him didn't do it right, so he's stepping in to quell the torrent. As such, he renews his partnership with Peter Ochiogrosso, his co-writer for the biography.

Analyze monologues and interviews per time period, to get the particular nuances for each era in the article in line with those eras. Include the voice drop after the Rainbow Theatre concert, and in the section "(1993-Present)" write "Now I'm dead. And my insane wife is fucking my ass while I lay smoldering in eternal darkness." Or something similar.

Lots of ramblings on about one topic being very specific, occasional anecdotes about boogers or gorilla costumes, mention of concerts in places outside the US, reference to how every other musician who does similar things to him isn't all that fantastic. Political references (in the 80's), etc.

Need to get the toilet thing in there with something similar to the BTB quote. Pictures for each era. Lots of conceptual continuity. Try to include lots of actual facts. Weird kids' names, actual place names, occasional slight exaggerations. Under discography list a simple phrase denoting how big the discog is or something Frank would say ("If you want a guitar album, I can give you a list of guitar albums...")

"Brian, I could use a little bit more monitor."

Hendrix guitar.

Esoteric multiple-entendres

"Because I'm Frank Zappa, God dammit."

edit From the Original Article

Bouncywikilogo8
For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about RAHB/Frank Zappa.

Frank "Violent" Zappa was the inventor of something called music. Contrary to popular belief, he does not actually play guitar, he just imagines the notes.

edit Early life and influences

In the beginning, God made the light. Shortly thereafter, God made three big mistakes. The first mistake was called Frank Vermont Zappa. Now the reason Zappa was such a big mistake is because God originally wanted to build a poodle, but he fucked up.

Frank Velvet Zappa was of mixed Greek, Arabic, Italian and Lunar ancestry. They moved to a house made of antelope skin somewhere in the desert near Las Vegas. As an adult, Frank considered moving to Montana in order to pursue a career as a dental floss tycoon, but wound up spending most of his life working in a gas station.

Zappa has a lot of followers in Wales.

edit Originality

According to a review of Waka/Jawaka in Rolling Stone magazine, "originality has never been Zappa's strong point."

edit Musical Talents

Zappa is good at forcing things to make noise. He seems to have built a fortune off forcing things to make noise, which the things being noise-maked are quite against.

edit Involvement With The Muffin Man

Frank Vitriol Zappa was creatively collaborating with the Muffin Man using an Utility Muffin Research Kitchen. Little did he know that the Muffin Man used these funds to create an army of dense, radiating muffins of his own design. The Muffin Man's plan was foiled by the analytic mind-power of Captain Beefheart who exposed the Muffin Man's plans to Frank Vehemence Zappa. "You thought he was a man, but he was a muffin" were his exact words. He then explained that, musically, the Muffin Man just hung around and knew nuthin. Frank Veg-o-maticus Zappa then repeatedly bludgeoned the Muffin Man with an oversized chrome spoon. After being threatened by Frank Vegan Zappa to have the spoon rammed, rammed, rammed up his poop chute, the Muffin Man gave up and fled to become a serial killer.

edit Death? No...

Frank Valarie Zappa was mistakenly diagnosed with prostate cancer in 1992 after a large cannonball was discovered to have been stuck in his prostate.

edit Involvement With The Residents

Frank decided to side with the The Residents for a brief amount of time. However, during the making of Meet The Residents, Frank found this music to be way too insane even for him, and his brain imploded right in the studio within 3 milliseconds as a result, which can clearly be heard as a huge "FABOOOM!" at the beginning of the track "Boots".

edit Family

Frank and his wife, Beelzebub, have three children -- one of each sex. The kids attend Alice Cooper High School and Space Academy.

edit Discography


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