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Write the article from the point of view of Frank (heavily analyze his speech and on-stage monologues for this). Like his autobiography (The Real Frank Zappa Book), he's only writing this article because everybody who's ever tried to satirize him didn't do it right, so he's stepping in to quell the torrent. As such, he renews his partnership with Peter Ochiogrosso, his co-writer for the biography.
Analyze monologues and interviews per time period, to get the particular nuances for each era in the article in line with those eras. Include the voice drop after the Rainbow Theatre concert, and in the section "(1993-Present)" write "Now I'm dead. And my insane wife is fucking my ass while I lay smoldering in eternal darkness." Or something similar.
Lots of ramblings on about one topic being very specific, occasional anecdotes about boogers or gorilla costumes, mention of concerts in places outside the US, reference to how every other musician who does similar things to him isn't all that fantastic. Political references (in the 80's), etc.
Need to get the toilet thing in there with something similar to the BTB quote. Pictures for each era. Lots of conceptual continuity. Try to include lots of actual facts. Weird kids' names, actual place names, occasional slight exaggerations. Under discography list a simple phrase denoting how big the discog is or something Frank would say ("If you want a guitar album, I can give you a list of guitar albums...")
"Brian, I could use a little bit more monitor."
"Because I'm Frank Zappa, God dammit."
From the Original Article
Early life and influences
In the beginning, God made the light. Shortly thereafter, God made three big mistakes. The first mistake was called Frank Vermont Zappa. Now the reason Zappa was such a big mistake is because God originally wanted to build a poodle, but he fucked up.
Frank Velvet Zappa was of mixed Greek, Arabic, Italian and Lunar ancestry. They moved to a house made of antelope skin somewhere in the desert near Las Vegas. As an adult, Frank considered moving to Montana in order to pursue a career as a dental floss tycoon, but wound up spending most of his life working in a gas station.
Zappa has a lot of followers in Wales.
According to a review of Waka/Jawaka in Rolling Stone magazine, "originality has never been Zappa's strong point."
Zappa is good at forcing things to make noise. He seems to have built a fortune off forcing things to make noise, which the things being noise-maked are quite against.
Involvement With The Muffin Man
Frank Vitriol Zappa was creatively collaborating with the Muffin Man using an Utility Muffin Research Kitchen. Little did he know that the Muffin Man used these funds to create an army of dense, radiating muffins of his own design. The Muffin Man's plan was foiled by the analytic mind-power of Captain Beefheart who exposed the Muffin Man's plans to Frank Vehemence Zappa. "You thought he was a man, but he was a muffin" were his exact words. He then explained that, musically, the Muffin Man just hung around and knew nuthin. Frank Veg-o-maticus Zappa then repeatedly bludgeoned the Muffin Man with an oversized chrome spoon. After being threatened by Frank Vegan Zappa to have the spoon rammed, rammed, rammed up his poop chute, the Muffin Man gave up and fled to become a serial killer.
Frank Valarie Zappa was mistakenly diagnosed with prostate cancer in 1992 after a large cannonball was discovered to have been stuck in his prostate.
Involvement With The Residents
Frank decided to side with the The Residents for a brief amount of time. However, during the making of Meet The Residents, Frank found this music to be way too insane even for him, and his brain imploded right in the studio within 3 milliseconds as a result, which can clearly be heard as a huge "FABOOOM!" at the beginning of the track "Boots".
Frank and his wife, Beelzebub, have three children -- one of each sex. The kids attend Alice Cooper High School and Space Academy.
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