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“Mondays are like black dudes, we just kinda hate 'em for what reason.”
“Would you be happy if they moved Comic-Con to Monday?”
Monday. Oh God, I think it's here again. Damn it! Everything goes wrong on Mondays. I mean, you could just be minding your own business, taking a hike on the Grand Canyon, then you realize it's Monday, and you find yourself falling at 100 miles an hour to the bottom of it. It's also the day I didn't get a promotion at work, the day I didn't meet a hot babe who wanted to eat me up, and the day I didn't brush my teeth by accident. So just about everything is wrong with Mondays.
Think about it. You've endured a long weekend of desperately trying to think of something to do, and once you finally think of something, you've already stressed your eyeballs out from watching Hentai. Then you realize it's time to put on that gay-ass suit and head to the Corporation to see some old guy talk about SinErgy. Even worse, there's a chance your shower might not be functioning, and that's enough to drive me over the deep end. And not to mention that you can't watch The Big Bang Theory on Mondays unless you watch one of their bullshit other channels where they just play the same five episodes OVER AND FUCKING OVER AGAIN. I further prove my point.
Why are Mondays doomed to suck so much ass? Is it because Monday rhymes with "Uhm-Gay?" That would make sense, I had a friend who realized he was gay on a Monday. Don't ask me why I remember. But anyways, there are many possible theories as to why no good ever comes out of the existence of Mondays. After searching tirelessly on Conservapedia, I carved out the solid possibilities:
- Monday is the day after Sunday, the Holy Day, and "M" is the first letter in Mephisto, so Monday must be the day of the devil.
- Monday is the day of the moon. In Latin it was called lunae dies, and from that word we get lunatic, because Monday is just insane!
- It's the day Happy Land 2: Revenge of the Darkies got re-released in high definition with some retarted editing.
- It's fuckin' Monday.
These are all fairly acceptable reasons. But above all, I find the last one to be the most likely theory. Because no matter what the Romans said or whatever "Happy Land" is, the theory stays true to the question at hand, because it's true, it is fuckin' Monday.
Thank Jesus we got that out of the way. Now that we know why Monday sucks, let's try to fix the issue.
HowTo:Get Rid of Mondays
I've got a fantastic idea on how to rid ourselves of those accursed Mondays. Perhaps the best thing we could do is just forget it exists. You know, just go right from Sunday to Tuesday, like they do in China. I mean, it wouldn't hurt us to just lower the amount of days in the week, right? That way, kids only need to go to school four times a week, and we won't have to wait so fucking long for The Big Bang Theory. Because dammit, I want it now. But there will always be religious zealots who disagree with it, and since they run the world, I guess we have to smudge that one off.
Hey, here's a thought. We find the guy who created the week system. Go to his grave, dig him up, and extract his DNA. We then load his DNA into a open-ended clone body, and super-grow it to take his physical form, and all his thoughts and memories, too. Then, we shove a Greek Pillar so far up his fuckin' ass and tell him to redesign the week system so we don't have those Godawful Mondays. We won't' need to worry about the zealots disagreeing with us, then.
But we need to assemble a team. We need to get the right people to find him. And we all know where to find 'em.
I'll help you find this bastard! It's Monday's fault I have to go into work at the Krusty Krab every Monday and put up with that faggot kitchen sponge. I say we don't shove a Pillar up his ass; let's take my Tiki Head House and force it up his urethra. Sounds good to me.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson
Whoah, watch out! We've got a Squidward over here! It would be better if we suffocated his skull through endless science.
You know, this doesn't sound like such a good idea after all. In fact, we might as well just learn to live with the Mondays. Like how we learned to live with all those parasitic minorities in this country. Though I still don't like Mondays. Oh, you know what, fuck it. Let's all learn to love the Mondays! It's my favorite day of the week! After all, everything great happens on Monday! It's when I go to buy foodie food at the grocery store, it's when my cat gets all playful, and they show Pokémon on Cartoon Network! I can't get enough of these things!
I Love Mondays!
Let's all sing the Monday song:
Glory, Glory, Monday-Leujah!
Used to hate you, now yo cooler,
I never banged a ho
But I love to see the sco
'Cause Monday is Football night!
You see how easy it is to co-exist with Monday? Now if only we can align the countries and develop a Type-Two Civilization.
- ↑ It means score, and it rhymes with ho, and sounds cool.