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Bengali People

Found in: Abundant in West Bengal also known as Pashchim Banga. Also found in Assam, Bangladesh, Chittaranjan Park, tourist places (wearing a monkey cap and a water bottle) and where ever there is a sweet shop.

Common names: Bappa, Puchki, Jhumki, Babla, TiTi, TuTu, Ityadi

Famous Bengalis: Dayal Baba, Nonte – Phonte, Jatayu, Bappi da, Batul the great, Aranno Deb, Robindronath Tagore Mamta Banerjee, Ityadi

Religion: Most Bengalis worship a fresh white cheese ball known as Roshogolla (try to roll the O twice). The rest are communists.

Language: Bengali, Bangladeshi, Sylheti, Hingali, Bonglish, rosogolla, aayi shaala, Ityadi. Bengalis used to speak Hindi once upon a time. The present day Bengali evolved from Hind due to over eating of roshogollas. Imagine speaking Hindi with a roshogolla in your mouth, yes you got it. Bengalis take pride in their ability to roll every single alphabet they utter and believe that theirs is the sweetest language in the world. This is one reason 90% of diabetics in India are Bengalis.

Script: Bengalis did not really have a proper script until mid nineteenth century. They were too lazy to invent one, so they sent a school teacher named Vidya Sagar to Jat Land so that he can get inspiration. However being lazy Vidya Sagar just copied the alphabet in his notebook and set on his journey back to Bong Land. Unfortunately the bag carrying his notebook also had his ration of Roshogollas. During the trip back the sugar syrup leaked and soiled his notebook. The alphabet drenched in sugar syrup and got distorted and hence formed the new Bengali script (क = ক, ब = ব, थ = থ, etc). Upon arrival in the metropolis of Patuli he was greeted with much fanfare and offered more Rshogollas. He then presented his notebook to the Mayor of Patuli Mr. Topshey. He was thrilled to see a new script for Bengalis and granted unlimited supply of Roshogollas to Vidya Sagar for rest of his life.

Music: The lazy Bengalis were musically backward and had no real interest in music or culture (they only liked Roshogollas). But suddenly in mid nineteenth century a bearded man started writing and composing songs. The Bengalis claimed that he is the best musician the world has ever seen. The CIA got suspicious (and rightly so, how can lazy, Roshogolla eating Bengalis excel in fine arts?) and commissioned a probe into the matter. The investigating officer Mr. Jyoti Basu submitted his report after 30 years of investigation that the bearded man, whom the Bengalis named Robindronath was originally from Punjab (stolen from his parents by Vidya Sagar on his way back to Bong Land. The report says he was taken while he was attending Kumb Mela with his parents in Allahabad) and was called Ravinder (just like, Satender, Surender, Dharmender, Jitender, etc). The Roshogolla eating Bengalis corrupted his name to Robindronath. The Bengalis got angry and elected a communist government to teach the CIA a lesson.

Contribution to the society: The Bongs have single handedly set up all the fish markets in India and hold the world record of mass Roshogolla eating. They also contributed to national unity by stealing kids from different parts of India. They coined the slogan, “Cholbe na” (won’t work) and use it extensively for any kind of protest. It is only because of Bengalis that India still knows what a “Band” (strike) is. They have reached a higher level of sophistication where Bandhs are only called on a Friday or a Monday (obviously keeping in mind the holiday plans of common Bongs). They also created the second Indian currency, Taaka. It is in use in Paschim Banga, Bangladesh and where ever the Bongs go. The half brain Bongs have set the exchange rate as half the value of Indian Rupee.

Lifestyle: Bongs are lazy and like to smoke a lot. They believe that smoking makes them creative (this is reported mostly when they smoke weed). They can be found eating at any time during the day and when they are not eating they are thinking what they should eat. The most popular activity of bongs is “Layd Khawa” (ল্যাদ খাবা) which means lazing around. There are special coaching classes to excel in this art, however most of the classes are empty due to both teachers and students being too lazy to come to the classes. Bongs also like to delegate work to others. Even the politicians delegate professional orators to speak on their behalf.

Being a Bong I am too lazy to write any further, please get me some Roshogollas and finish this page.

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