From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
The internet, a series of tubes. What was originally concieved as a way of delivering information and storing information has turned into one the greatest lifestyle in the history of... Well the history of history! Many things can be found on the internet. Such as images of kittens, overblown items sold at extravegent prices, and videos of people doing something... unique? The internet also has it's on culture and traditions which are... complex to the average user. If you've discovered this guide then you have entered a new world of the internet, a mysterious world where things feel very unfimilar to you. And I know what you're saying. "What is this world, how do I survive it, can I have pie?" Well good sir, this here is a guide that'll show you the ropes of the internet, and pie will be served at the end of this guide. So without further to do, here is The Newbs Guide to The Internet*.
(* for ages 5 and up)
Woah, Nelly! Before you are able to access the internet, you need some sort of identity that'll mark you on the internet permanently, something that's memorable and that will stick with you until the end of time. Now, why do you need a username you ask? Because if you are Anonymous IP address, then you'll be treated like flea-infested vermin. You will be denied access to the hottest areas in the internet, you will be treated like crap, and, just for good measure, you will also be kicked in the junk and ridiculed by your friends. Yeah, doesn't sound so good to be anonymous isn't it. Now according to somebody told me, your username must identify who you are, what you can do, and what potential you could possibly have. Well, according to what I have come up with, that is just a bunch of malarky. Your username has to identify how kick ass you are and how you are extremely, extremely cool.
- XXX is a popular choice to add to your username, especially when it sounds like sex and boobs and getting laid, and everyone on the internet has in fact gotten laid 5 times a day, True Fact. Add it to your username, make sure to mark it like xXx to make sure that you are extremely getting laid.
- Make sure to include some instance of the work Pwn, Kill or Slayer in there. As people on the internet are able to kill anything that come in their tracks, you need to be able to kill anything in it's tracks. After all, those asassins who killed Kennedy know how to kill, those police officers with their guns know how to kill, hell even the common folk knows how to kill, so why not you? Because you haven't put Kill, Pwn or Slayer in there. Make sure you put something before it, like n00b, l33t or anything that is cool that you can kill.
- L33t sp33k 1s 4ls0 4 c00l th1ng t0 1nclud3 1n y0ur us3rn4m3. S1nc3 l33tsp34k 1nv0lv3s numb3rs 4nd l3tt3rs, y0u'll b3 4bl3 t0 s4y th4t y0u'r3 ub3r-l33t. S1nc3 l33t p30pl3 4r3 4w3s0m3, c4n d0 3xtr40rd1n4ry th1ngs 4nd 4r3 4ls0 r34lly, r34lly b4d4ss. Wh3n y0u 4r3 4bl3 t0 sp34k 1n l33t, y0u'r3 fr13nds w1ll b3 4ll l1k3 "W0w, th3r3 4r3 numb3rs 1n th3 t3xt, Y0u 4r3 c00l!". S0 sp34k1ng l33t 1s 4 w4y t0 1ncr34s3 y0ur c00ln3ss 1n th3 0nl1n3 w0rld, s0 1nclud3 1t 1n y0ur us3rn4m3 4nd 3v3ry p0st.
- Random Numbers work 1,372,845,235% times of the day and can also make you unique like those other 1,455,545,665,543,212,456,434,644 gazillion people out there. Who knows, it also might make you 3,456,322,467,867,532,778,557,321,775,767,326.64 times more popular.
Now that you got your username down. (or not) It's time for you to choose your Avatar, now most sites suggest that an avatar is to express yourself, show your face, identify yourself and who you truely are. According to everyone else, that is just a bunch of malarky brough upon by the goverment so they can pair us together for what they call gay buttsex. Now according to the rulez of teh interwebs. An avatar must have a funny picture, must involve someone getting owned, pwned, or burned. It is not reccommended to have an image that doesn't move, it is reccommended though that you have an image that moves. Why? Because who wouldn't want to see someone getting pwned in full-motion or someone banging their head against a keyboard in frustration? Besides, a moving picture or avatar will increase your awesomeness. So much so that you're friends will be amazed at how awesome you are.
Never, under any circumstances, should you ever post your face, your friends face, your dogs face, or any face of anyone you know as an avatar on the internet. If you do that then basicly you'll be blacklisted from the internet and you'll never ever be cool on the internet, ever again, EVER! Posting your face as an avatar on the internet is a cry that you're a loser and you want to be ridiculed on the internet. If you were to post your face on the internet then you will be treated and bullied as you're being treated at school. So now that you know the dangers of what posting your face on the internet can do, sure... Just go ahead and choose your avatar.
edit Internet Etiquette
Woah! Hold on there xXxN00bpwnz0rzzz875534xXx, before you access the internet for the very first time. You need to learn a certain set of rules, the etiquette of the Internet. Now you might be saying "But... There aren't any rules on the internet." That's where you're wrong bub. The Internet obviously has rules of it's own, rules you must understand if you want to survive the internet. Without rules, the world would decend into chaos, the world would become free and the world would become ugly. You do not want the world to become ugly and free wouldn't you? Of course not, you're a 100% pure american, designed to follow every rule we give you not to break the rules at any time, and being an American means following the rules on the internet, and not following the rules on the internet means that you are a terrorist and you must be killed. You don't want to be dead do you? No? Then follow the rules on the internet dipshit.
Failing to follow any of the rules on the internets will result in you being Banned from the Internet forever, and the consequences of being Banned from the Internet are fatal. Being banned from the internet means that you will no longer having any internet access whatsoever, so if you have some love ones or some stuff you have to the internet, Tough luck! Even if you beg, they will not unban you, but they will mock you for being a crybaby loser which you certainly do not want to become. You will also be watched by god himself, so if you try to use the internet anywhere else like say... the library! Then the entire room will become pitch black and you will be eaten by Grues! I'm not going to even mention the fatal process of being eaten by a grue, so let's just say you better follow those rules buster and make sure that god isn't watching you in the clouds!
Okay, you need to know the rules around here cause everything has rules and as I said before, without any rules, society would of collapsed by now. So here are the rules you need to know. Rule 1: There are no rules on the internet. Now I know what you're saying, but what about the stuff you said before about rules this and rules that? Well... We lied, see our publisher who is publishing the book for us to many
foolish mortals egar readers wants us to put something there to warn you about the dangers of the Internet when in reality, there are absolutly no dangers to be found on the internet, none! We even did a search ourselves and we have not found any conclusive dangers that you should be aware of so stop worrying about the so called dangers on the internet you baby.
But what about those topics on forums that say "READ FIRST: IMPORTANT RULES, READ OR GET BANNED!"? Ignore them, they're not rules, they're just faggots wanting attention to themselves. As we said before, there are no rules on the internet so why should these guys set up their own rules. Your a dude/gal, you live by your own rules, you don't want to follow someone elses rules do you? No! Cause that would ruin the internet for life, following rules are for loosers, geeks, nerds and fat kids who live in their moms basement. If you do somehow manage to end up on a link that has actuall rules, just ignore them. Imagine a picture of happy bunny having sex with a female bunny in place of the rules, it'll make you and your mind happier then ever. Did you do that?... Good...
Basically the way you act on the internet determines how popular you are on the internet.