User:PuppyOnTheRadio/Schrödinger's cat

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Erwin Schrödinger, the owner of those cats, possibly in disguise.

The article entitled "Schrödinger's cat" is currently alive and remains safely in uncyclopedia's database of articles which have not been destroyed in the name of science. However, this is in no thanks to you. Next time you go peeking it could be dead. Every time you reload this article, it could end up gone, forever, murdered, and it will be your fault.


Schrödinger (distantly related to Schrodinger) was a research chemist based in the leafy hamlet of Birmingham, England. He became famous in the early 1970s for his invention of the umlaut (disputed). Later that decade he was charged of neglecting the 4th of the animal rights (that is, Cats have the right to exist). Schrödinger was blamed due to his activity in the Human vs. Kitten War and sent to prison in 1981. Here, Schrödinger died, then he didn't, then he did again in a bizarre throat warbling accident in 1982. Some speculate it was a suicide, and that Schrödinger just couldn't take his cat (or lack there of) being more famous than him. However, this is mere speculation, and at best uncertain.


The origin of Schrödinger's cat is unknown. However, some people think that Schrödinger himself originated the phrase. The most popular theory is that Schrödinger was actually referring to the Rabbit Theory, which states that if you put two rabbits in a box, you will never know how many rabbits you will see when you open the box. It is hypothesized, but not proven, that Schrödinger was huffing kittens at the moment and had cats on the brain. But then again, this is only a hypothesis, we don't know if this is true.

His Cat

Kitten chased by grues
Schrödinger's cat status: DEAD

Schrödinger's Cat is a particularly strong type of cat, used in Kitten Huffing. The chemical process for producing such a cat involves rolling a cat in a mixture (two parts crack cocaine to one part Angel Dust), allowing to stand in a metallic box with a an unsealed radiation source, such as an Xbox 360, 'tween life and death for three days. In order to huff Schrödinger's cat you first have to figure out if it's dead, or have gotten really good at Dead or Alive Beach Volleyball before opening the box. But we don't actually know that.

The sensations associated with prolonged use of Schrödinger's Cat is akin to the similtaneous slamming of both the subjects head and genitals in a fridge door. There is also a lingering taste of almonds. But we don't actually know that.

WARNING: Drugs are bad, kids. Just say no!

Quantum Physics

Cliche kitty
Schrödinger's cat status: ALIVE

Schrödinger's cat has absolutely nothing to do with Quantum. This is a myth that dates back to high school (the time between gibbous moon and fourth down), which says that Schrödinger used his cat in Physics experiments in his laboratory to explain a contradiction in the Wave-Particle Duality theories. But we don't know that.

It is widely known, however, that Schrödinger did not condone the use of cats in the laboratory, preferring instead the carcass of the common vole, musk beetle, president or Brontosaurus.

The lawsuit and counter quantum lawsuit

Maybe the most confusing lawsuit ever. To resolve it, Copenhagen interpretation was necessary, even though nothing took place in the capital of Denmark. In early May 1935 the animal rights activists in Ireland stole one of Schrödinger's cats, because they saw it being put in a box seemingly with no airholes. As they opened the box the cat was already dead. They filed a lawsuit. Schrödinger was now accused of catslaughter. Schrödinger did a counter lawsuit for stealing property and quantum catslaughter. Schrödinger claimed he had nothing to do with the death of the cat but he mearly had it in a quantum state. "That makes the cat highly sensitive to observation. Looks are literally lethal" was his words. Many mumbo jumbo speaches from people from mental institution with the science fiction syndrom was heard. This was first meant as an attempt to see if Schrödinger could plee for insanity. But a change in strategy became apparent as the defence could see how fascinated the jury became when someone rambled about some M-theory (now more known as the G-String theory) with small female underware (strings). It was an awsome erotic story in eleven dimensions, consuming most of the time in court. Unfortunately, it didn't work. The jury found Schrödinger guilty of abusing the cat sexually and the animal rights group were found guilty of shocking the cat to death by peeking in while it was most aroused. The appeals all got the same verdict, since the higher courthouses didn't understand squat of the cases. But we don't know that. Hell, we don't know fucking anything.

See also

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