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“"Protect the environment, or I'll fucking kill you!"”
Captain Planet is a superhero and well known eco-terrorist whose goal is to save the trees. It was invented by the real life superhero Andrew Ross Petersen of Glendale, CA. Captain Planet (A.K.A Albert Gore) ran as the Green Party's candidate for President of the United States in 1996 and again in 2030 with Winona LaDuke. In 1996, he beat out his rival for the candidacy, whose pledge to "take pollution down to three" did not satisfy voters in the primaries. In both elections he won only the states of Oregon and Latvia and emerged victorious, since Oregon has 100 zillion electoral votes as they've been saving them at 5% compound interest since 1800.
When Albert Gore III (Vice President Al Gore's son) first took on the mask and role of Captain Planet, he became summoned after Michael Moore, Bono, and Ralph Nader(who was too old to be Captain Planet by then) united their special power rings. He became Iron Man Bill Clinton's sidekick for a short time until Clinton found a better sidekick in his Iron Willy.
Who is Captain Planet?
He's an annoying, nonexistent figure created by losers to yell at people they admire. he is going to take pollution down to 8.6%, He's our powers magnified, And he's fighting on the planet's side! Gonna help him put asunder, Bad guys who like to loot and plunder.
He originally started as a sketch that we know now as the "I Can't Believe It's Not Hitler!" in the Hitler article. However this form of Captain Planet was never popular because nobody but Satan liked him anyway.
"The artists tried to make him seem based of Capitalism by making him say the line: “The power is yours!” in every episode, and in the theme song. However the actual inspiration came from Chuck Norris when he was training Joseph Stalin to be communist."
Powers and abilities
Captain Planet has the power to channel his homosexuality into any force of nature. He can also have a green mullet, and is an excellent salsa dancer. When Captain Planet was friends with Hitler back in the day, they used to snort lines of jew and also mainline them. Brodie and Pierce have experienced this majestic opportunity and joined in with the festivities. He can also take shits that smell
Captain Planet emerged from the bowels of the Earth in adult form, and therefore did not enjoy a true "childhood". However, unbeknownst to many, he did pass through an awkward youth college phase. He earned his B.S. in Society, Technology, and Culture from the Georgia Institute of Technology, where he also joined the Kappa Alpha Order fraternity and was active within the Campus Crusade for Christ organization. However, he was expelled from the latter organization after an incident involving several local high school boys and suspected date rape drugs, commonly peddled by the previously named Greek organization.
These were five people (we assume) who looked surprisingly cartoonish and each possessed a magical ring that, when combined called Captain Planet out of the great tree (located in the black forest of Germany). Each accomplice was culturally diverse due to Boner Action, but had no name. This lead to the unfortunate labeling practice among members, such as "Hey, Chinese guy!". It also lead to bestiality, as many viewers began to think of the monkey as a fellow human.
Further disputes were initiated when quarreling members argued over who got "the shaft" when it came to their precious power rings. See Heart? What kind of a crappy power is Heart?
The group has also threatened to split following a series of arguments about powers. "Why was a pyromaniac given the power of fire? The Americans contribute to greenhouse gases enough as it is, without being able to spew fireballs at will!" (no thats fucking china dumbshit)
Becoming a Planeteer
We're the planeteers, and you can be one too, cause saving our planet is the thing to do, looting and polluting is not the way, so here's what Captain Planet has to say.... "The Power, Is Yours"
Born: 1982; Reading, England.
At the age of 7&1/2, he was made custodian of the Eye of Geordi, a mystical amulet capable of summoning the legendary Reading Rainbow, the only force in the Universe capable of defeating the Rainbow of Darkness.
Able to manipulate rocks and stones with the aid of his two loyal Pokémon, Onix and Geodude.
Also able to train Geodude to a Golem, without trading.
An alternate version of Earth with Alan Scott as the Green Lantern.
Whilst at first glance, Fire would appear to be a powerful and useful member of the Planeteers, in reality he proved more of a hindrance.
Due to the flammable nature of most modern fabrics and materials, Fire had to be transported everywhere in an asbestos box, in order to comply with city health & safety ordinances. As a result of the increased weight, the planeteers were often late attending incidents, frequently arriving to discover freshly devastated areas scattered with corpses.
A few years later, he contracted skin cancer due to the asbestos.
Because he was no longer "perfect", he was shunned by the planateers and cast out. Then along came Captain Pollution, and offered him a job. Together Fire and Pollution created plagues that would sweep the world. Pollution would first lay out tons of deadly acids and toxic sludge, then fire would burn them, causing them to evaporate and infect many people by air. Also, Pollution would focus on clogging up sewers and ruining urban areas, while Fire would burn down all the forests. They eventually turned the whole world green from all the radioactivity.
Born: Novgorod, USSR.
Wind is a breasty blonde Russian teenager that uses all the male planeteers in bondage sessions. Her harsh and husky Russian accent, as well as her deformations due to Chernobyl, are both major turn-offs. There are rumors of Wind being used in the latest Street Fighter movie to replace Zangief as she can out press him in the gym. Note her nickname is based on her ability to pass gas in an erotic manner. She's now a star in fetish porn vids.
Captain Planet took advantage of the poor harmless Pokemon. Because of that, most Pokemon are now planeteers. With the exception of Haunter, who not only managed to escape with minor radiation poisoning, but also achieved world domination for a brief period back 1987. Onlookers cheered their new leader for a whole 5 seconds before Bill Clinton trapped him in, what witnesses describe as, "a great ball".
Water is a dumb girl who always wants to commit seppuku. She usually wears a bikini to impress the boys, but they hate her anyhow. It is rumored she will die in the 14th Season of the show after being smacked in the face by a large brick (This has been debated, the conclusion: the brick was probably penis-shaped). Then was vigorously raped by The Evil Skeletor because he just kinda felt like raping liquids. 10 years later, Skeletor found out that he had gotten AIDS from raping Water.
A "Hispanic American" (everyone knows he's really Mexican) who got the elemental power of "heart".Seriously, heart? But hey at least he got a monkey. Though, that basically just makes him Ross. Few people know that in the fifth episode Heart has a massive drug overdose and kills three innocent bystanders.
Creator of the television super hit, Care Bears. Batman just stole the idea.
Since he can communicate with all animals (and not just fish), and also use scuba equipment, he's still technically more powerful than Aquaman. Technically.
However, many Hispanic Americans protest that they get the power of.... heart. One of these people, a very interesting and historic people, once said "I mean, c'mon, the American dude gets fire and the Asian chick gets water but what do we get? A monkey. Oh, boy, that's all we're good for right? A monkey? Welll thaaaannk you, asshole." During season 7 he got really pissed off at being pussilia(the queen of the pussies) so he took some PCP and in a frenzy punches a hole through a wall and then gets tackled by 10 police officers.
Heart is also notorious for using a fake accent in an attempt to force the producers to either a) change his power and/or nationality, or b) drop him from the show altogether. However, the producers decided to utilize the unprecedented option c), which is to cancel the entire show.
Luckily, he later got a new outfit, a cool sword, changed his name to Sora and is the main character of the Kingdom Hearts game series. But he is still too dumb to use his ring to get hot girls.
Heart? What kind of a crappy power is Heart?
The following dialog was recorded shortly after the distribution of the rings:
Ma-ti: Heart? Why am I 'Heart'?
Gaia: Fuck you South-American nigger!
Ma-ti: Why can't we pick our own powers?
Gaia: We tried that once, it doesn't work out. You get four guys fighting over who's gonna get fire. And since nobody knows anybody else, nobody wants to back down. So, forget it, I pick. Be thankful you didn't get the power of love.
Linka: Yeah, but the power of wind, that's too close to the power of farting.
Ma-ti: Yeah. The power of 'Heart' just gives me the power of being a pussy. Tell you what, just give me the power of force, that sounds good to me, I've got the power of force.
Gaia: You don't have the power of force, someone else on some other job's got the power of force. You've got the power of heart. All right, I'll make it so you can...ah...tear...out people's hearts...or something.
Ma-ti: That's disgusting!
Maxlam: Help me, I don't know how swim!
Gaia: Fine, I'll let you fly the jet.
Wheeler: No freaking way, I got dibs on that. You just have to accept being Mr. Heart, douchebag.
Ma-ti: You know what? I think I will take that 'tear out peoples' hearts' power.
Gaia: Nope, too late.
Kwame: Who cares what power you've got. Who cares if you've got Heart, Fire, Wind...
Ma-ti: Oh that's real easy for you to say, you've got the power of Earth. You got a cool power. So tell me, mister Earth, if you think Heart is no big deal, you wanna trade?
Gaia: Nobody's trading with anybody! Look, this isn't a goddamn city council meeting! Listen up, 'Heart'. We got two ways here, my way or the highway. And you can go down either of 'em. So what's it gonna be, Ma-ti?
Ma-ti: Please Gaia. Forget it. This is beneath me. I've got the power of Heart, let's move on.
- This conversation was remarkably similar to the quarrel between the whole gang of Reservoir Dogs. The argument there was, "Not only do I have to look weird, my stage name has to be Mr. Pink?!" In the end, the Dawgs agreed that because he looked so funky, no other name would suit him (other than Steve Buscemi and Creepy Looking Guy.)
Earth, Wind, and Fire
While not official planeteers, Captain Planet really digs their groove.
Scandals and Controversies
In early 1992, senate house Republicans proposed the idea of establishing a counter to Captain Planet, who would represent the "interests of american businesses on the global stage." This was signed into law by a stoned President Clinton, who then said of the newly born threat of Captain Pollution, "whoops." Planeteers immediately summoned Captain Planet who complained of PMS and a need for replenishment after thirty seconds on the job and retired back into the rings, leaving nobody but then-dallas cowboy cheerleader Bilbo Baggins to save the day. Bilbo used his ring to draw the ultra-groovy Captain Pollution into a trap, under the pretense of "wanting to talk about smog and shit." Pollution didn't fall for it, and instead convinced feminine planeteer Justin "Ma-Ti" Guarini to take his power of heart to "shut that yapping monkey the hell up." All hope seemed lost.
Into this void stepped Gaia, spirit of the earth, who equipped all of the planeteers with electronic devices that mimicked their powers, and stuck Ma-Ti with a lame piece of pink paper saying "I <3 U." Believing that their new devices had exactly the same function as their rings, the planeteers formed a circle and blasted their weapons into the middle, horribly setting the wind girl on fire, drowning the black guy and confining Wheeler to a Wheelchair. Ma-Ti was not present, but he was spotted "getting his love somewhere else for $200 an hour."
Pollution eventually died of natural causes in 2006, when Global Warming's archenemy Al Gore used his power of speech to bore Captain Pollution to death, effectively ending the reign of terror.
The Captain Pollution Theme Song
During pollution's reign, he not only turned the entire world into a toxic wasteland like planet Noxro, home of the Gralb, but he also made a theme song for all the kids to sing along to the song goes a little something like this:
Sludge! Fire! Smog! Biohazardous Materials! Nuclear stuff! GO POLLUTION! Death to Jews!
With your powers combined I get pissed and BLOW TREES UP! Captain Pollution, he's our hero, Gonna take EPA down to zero, He's our powers magnified, And he's fighting on the toxic side.
Captain Pollution, he's our hero, Gonna take trees down to zero, Gonna help him put us under the power of Bad guys who like to loot and plunder "You'll pay for this Captain Pollution!"
(chanting) We're the sludgeteers,
You can be one too!
'Cause killing our planet is the thing to do!
Looting and polluting is
not the way,
Hear what Captain Pollution has to say:
"THE POWER IS MINE ASSHOLES ITS VERY SORE FROK LAST NIGHT!!!!"
Since "humans" are at the bottom of a social and linguistic construct, a liberatory science and emancipatory mathematics must be developed that spurn the elite caste of "environmentalist" for a postmodern science that provides powerful intellectual support for the progressive political project.
Just as liberals are frequently content with a minimal agenda of legal and social protections for the environment, so Captain Planet must be content to work with his planeteers and the hegemonic social structure that is imposed on us since humanity supplemented only by our inherent good will and intelligence.
There are many environmentalists, especially the more extreme and militant branch, who continue to reject the notion that the disciplines concerned with social and cultural criticism can have anything to contribute, except perhaps peripherally, to their view. Still fewer are receptive to the idea that the very foundations of their world view must be revised or rebuilt in light of such criticism.
Rather, they cling to the dogma imposed by the long post-Environmentalist hegemony over the Western environmentalist outlook, which can be summarized briefly as follows: that there exists a Gaia, whose life is independent of any individual human being and indeed of humanity; which is intertwined with the physical Earth, and that humans beings can protect this being by hewing to the "objective" procedures and epistemological strictures prescribed by protests.
Captain Planet once said (on a national broadcast) in response to a question about recycling, "You bet your fucking ass-ramp recycling is good! I do it like your sister!" Lawsuits filed with the FCC are still pending.
Captain Planet is also one of the biggest sources of unemployment in the industrialized world. More than a trillion trees were necessary to make one episode of Captain Planet every week, as the artists only drew on 7777 inch thick blocks of wood.
Captain Planet is currently married to the first ever tree/human hybrid (a tree with a vagina and an asshole). In 1776 hippies displayed the same love for trees so hippies were hence called tree fuckers and tree huggers. The term tree fucker disappeared with the rise of the Democrat Party and it's leader Barbara Streisand/Mecha Streisand.
Captain Planet was recently arrested for public intoxication after going on a binge of bio-diesel.
All the continents are represented in the contingent of Planeteers except Australia. As a result, Captain Planet has been banned from entry into Australian territory and any attempts in entering will result in him being shot, deported and fed to dingoes. Since this banning Captain 'Planet minus Australia' refuses to save Australia from pollution, so far Australia is doing quite well by itself.
- Like the fact that he's all metallic blue.. that t'ain't right.
- He has no relation to Skeeter from Doug. The two have lunched many times and laughed over this coincidence. Seriously, 2 blue guys! HONK HONK!!
- Captain Planet breaths in Nitrogen and out Oxygen. In fact Carbon Dioxide is so toxic to him if the CO2 level get above 2000 parts per million, he will die.
- Might actually be related to Captain Ultra, as evidenced by the photos of them both as Lieutenants.
- Ma-ti is currently wanted by the FBI for questioning, involving a situation where 400 people's hearts all mysterious stopped beating during a parade.
- And why does he hang out with all these young children? He is on List 99 and banned from teaching in the United Kingdom and 51 states of America, thus making a seemingly innocent child/hippy group - The Planeteers.
- Captain Planet is quite possibly the gayest super hero ever. This speculation came to light when it was learned that he tried out for one of the Village People but was booted out for Heath Ledger in a cowboy suit. When questioned on this Captain Planet replied: "Well the jokes on him now... he's dead, GO PLANET!!!!"
- Captain Planet is Ted Turner's alter ego.
- He was identified as an enemy combatant in Captain America's war on Nature.
- W.I.T.C.H. has the exact same powers, so Captain Planet sued their asses. he lost.
Captain Planet's Hair
Captain Planet's hair truly identifies who he really is: AL GORE.
You have to love the green mullet!!!
During a time travel incident, Captain Planet ran into his 3rd cousin twice removed: Hitler. However, this Hitler wasn't the cheap Charlie Chaplin-impersonating Hitler we all know and mock, but rather a Hitler with a samurai moustache, suggesting Hitler has acquired ninja skillz. Ninja-Hitler proceeded to weaken Captain Planet merely by staring at him. This confirmed Captain Planet's weakness to historically inaccurate versions of famous people, so if Captain Planet ever meets a gung-ho version of Gandhi wielding two AKs, he's pretty much screwed. Captain Planet also has a tendency to shout lame puns when beating up bad guys. Most neurosurgeons believe this could be a rare form of Tourettes.
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