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|width="50%"| '''Total dead:'Thousands'' <br>'''Wounded:'Thousands more''
|width="50%"| '''Total dead:'Thousands'' <br>'''Wounded:'Thousands more''
|width="50%"| '''Total dead:'A few hundred'' t<br>'''Wounded:'General Whiting, after his men shot him after finding out they were protected by walls of SAND''
|width="50%"| '''Total dead:'A few hundred'' t<br>'''Wounded:'General Whiting, his men shooting him after finding out they were protected by walls of SAND''

Latest revision as of 17:48, August 18, 2008

The Battle of Fort Fisher was a conflict between Confederate and Union forces during the Civil War.

The Battle of Fort Fisher
The brave Rebel boys charge out from behind their breastworks.
Conflict: American Civil War
Date: 1864-1865
Place: Pleasure Island
Outcome: Northern Victory
The Northern AggressorsAmerican-flag1 The Southern Republic CSA FLAG
Admiral David Porter
General Terry
Colonel William Lamb
General Whiting
Countless brave men willing to die for their country and the principles of liberty and freedom
The largest and most modern fleet of ships of that period
Standardized and modern rifles and cannons
Maybe 2000 filthy, half-starved vagrants, watching their country die and wondering how best to avoid further active service
Protected by walls made of sand
A few cannon and muskets that were out-of-date a century before
Total dead:'Thousands
Wounded:'Thousands more
Total dead:'A few hundred t
Wounded:'General Whiting, his men shooting him after finding out they were protected by walls of SAND

"The Once and Future King" is a classic, iconic fantasy tale about King Arthur and his Knights of the Round Table written by T.H. White. It revolves entirely around random violence and disturbing sexual fetishes. No other novel will ever capture the magic, wonder, and sadness of the Arthurian Legend with the same emphasis on the darker side of humanity.

The timelessly hilarious fifth chapter scene in which Sir Lancelot bounds, tortures, and murders Sir Gawaine

edit Plot

Every take of King Arthur adds a different spin, cuts out a scene, and always, always changes Guenever's hair color (see sexual fetish). The author of this article in particular prefers her red-headed, but that's a story for another article. The book starts off with the Wart and Kay doing stuff in the hayfields. They meet Robin Hood and kill a Gryffindor, although J.K. Rowling has yet to weigh in on which Gryffindor it was or whether or not they were gay. Merlin shows up one day, and begins the teach Wart, mostly about animals, with a strong emphasis on the birds and the bees. Wart pulls a sword out of a stone, making him King of England. To his intense chagrin, he finds this sword is no large enough for a King of his calibre, and sets off on a quest to enhance or enlarge it. Eventually he replaces the old sword with Excalibur, but like an organ transplant, it just doesn't feel the same.

Once King, Wart, now Arthur, begins to form his ideas about right and wrong. A crucial cornerstone of his philosophical ideology is that Might is Not Right. In fact, King Arthur would often say, "It is often the Small and Short that are right. Why, the Small are oft more manueverable and can easily reach those places that givest pleasure the most, rather than those Mighty jerkwads who think size and power is everything". Fortunately nobody ever understood what the King was raving about, and hopefully nobody ever will.

Then enters Sir Lancelot. According to White, Lancelot was very ugly. However, he was quite Mighty, which might explain his rocky relationship with the King. Lancelot spends the entire book kicking ass by day and having an affair with Queen Guenevere by night. At this stage of the game however, he spurns her advances, because of his fanatical devotion to the King. He eventually realizes that nobody gives a wet shit who he sleeps with, as long as he keeps wapping... people's heads off. And he does wap... many people's heads off, some of whom were doing some wapping themselves.

For the longest time, the story revolves around Lancelot and his quests, which, as stated in the prologue, are random, violent, and arousing. He gets tricked into sleeping with a beautiful virgin and gets very, very angry about it. He tries not to kill people, but several times they just run into his sword and die. White even waxes eloquent on Lancelot's sword style, a lighting-fast thrust drawing it's power from the inner thighs and central waist, a technique that kills several humiliated men and impregnates a girl named Ellen.

However, the "plot" has to move on sometime, and this is done by introducing Mordred, an ambitious, pale youth who wears black armor and regularly kills close friends and family members. Arthur trusts him completely, but Lancelot gets a little suspicious after watching Mordred poison the King's dinner. After Mordred murders the Queen by drowning her in a bucket of vomit, Lancelot decides he no longer likes Mordred and sets sail for France.

The final battle is never actually depicted, but word on the street is that the two sides smash vigorously into one another, bumping, grinding, and occasionally moaning.

Bone is an "Illustrated Novel" written by Jeff Smith sometime in the last ten years. The story follows three little white gum drops as they travel across a vast quasi-Mississipian territory called The Valley. Although the people they meet make a habit of lynching people just because they wear hoods, the three little candy-monsters easily find a new home, which they spend the entire series bitching about.
OUt From Boneville

The rather gory first book, in which Fone Bone gets eaten by a giant donkey

edit Characters

edit Fone Bone

The protagonist of the series, and coincidentally the perverted one in the Bone trio. Spends the majority of the first three books writing freaky love poems to Thorn. His favorite book is Moby Dick. It should be noted that Jeff Smith is not known for his subtlety.

edit Phoney Bone

The source of 90% of all the bitching that goes on in the Bone comics. He's a lot like a feminist that way, except his whining has some substance, like when he points out Smiley Bone's massive unimportance to the plot.

edit Smiley Bone

Phoney Bone does not lie. In all of the major conversations between the Bone's, Smiley literally sits on a log and smokes a cigar. Before anything important happens, Grandma Ben comes and sends him into the house to cook dinner. That's when the rat creatures attack and we learn about the plot to set free the Lord of the Locusts. He performs the same function as Ody from Garfield, to be kicked in the ass off the table whenever writer's block strikes the cartoonist.

edit Thorn Harvestar

Thorn has the amazing ability to be sexy in books 1-2, ass-ugly in books 3-6, and sexy again for the rest of the series. She can also see ghost circles, but nobody cares about that. Allegedly she's 20, but like good hentai the truth is often better than the lie.

edit Grandma Ben

Thorn's grandmother. Thorn and Grandma Ben fight every other panel in Books 3-6, because it gives Jeff Smith the opportunity to show the underlying emotion and friction between characters. Readers missed seeing Smiley get kicked in the ass and the demands soon ended any attempts to explore deeper concepts.

edit The Hooded One

The bad guy. There was actually an impressive effort to give some background to this character, effectively making book 3 the least read out of the entire series. Despite being omnipotent, undead, and a spell-caster, she regularly gets mowed down by random flying objects.

edit Summary

Despite being written for a target demographic which still appreciates cute little white mutants and talking possums, the Bone series can be difficult to follow. Mountains blow up throughout the entire series for no reason whatsoever, the most common method of moving the plot is an insect named Ted, and the main characters fall off a five hundred foot cliff, only to be shown five minutes later gingerly walking towards town. Although Bone is mostly comedic, there is a healthy sprinkling of angst, like that time Thorn found out she was a magical princess and sulked in her room for two weeks.

The action is generally bloodless and appropriate for kids, not counting the ninth book when everyone realizes they're carrying swords. Tactics in the Valley generally boil down to frontal attacks on everything. This makes sense given the fact that the defenders always charge out from behind the walls to engage in battle. While the two armies are busy doing that, the main characters fight on the walls, or on a cliff. But they never bring any back-up soldiers to help turn the tide of their insufferably long duels. That would be silly.

In the end, it's basically Eragon all over again. A few elite fighters bang around while the tired, huddled masses wage a completely inconsequential and meticulously detailed battle. Other similarities include cloned plot lines and refreshingly frank characters.

edit Reaction

The Bone series has sold over a million copies in fifteen languages, and is one of the best-selling independently produced comics of all time. Chicks use this line on Jeff Smith all the time, with mixed results. He's a tough one to catch.

462px-Jeff Smith

Sorry ladies, there's only one Jeff Smith to go around

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This page will be re-checked on 25 August 2008
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