User:Ptok-Bentoniczny/UnNews:2010 why didn't anyone think of that before award, awarded
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|This article is part of UnNews||Straight talk, from straight faces|
5 December 2010
NORILSK, Former Soviet Republic of Russian Federation -- The Why didn't anyone think of that before?! award was presented yesterday at an unknown time. Like last year's award, it was awarded in the picturesque city of Norilsk, where the special WDATOTB Award Committee had been debating the nominations for three days.
The WDATOTB Award Committee in 2010 was chosen by the Freemasons in secret voting that took place in Haiti on 28th November 2009. This committee comprises famous people from several categories. This year's categories were: dead, unwanted, worst, Jewish, person who had oral sex with an intern, ugliest, professional loser, faddy loser, and cripple. There were 8 people in the Committee last year but this year a ninth was appointed to avoid ties. This year's Award Committee, in order of categories:
- Dead Leslie Nielsen, absent but voting
- Unwanted Lisa Murkowski, not on the official list but written-in before the comittee was sent to Norilsk
- Worst Mark Robinson, the worst cricket batsman in history
- Jewish Michael Schudrich, Polish rabbi who had never violated the Sabbath and refused to vote, as the voting was planned on Saturday
- Person who had oral sex with an intern Bill Clinton, who was present (depending what the real meaning of is is).
- Ugliest Catherine Ashton, the ugliest "pretty face" of politics in history.
- Professional loser Andrew Golota, a multiple vice-champion in heavyweight boxing.
- Faddy loser Ralph Nader, faddy candidate for president.
CrippleDisabled person Jan Mela, a teenage amputee who reached North Pole and South Pole in a single year.
This year the Committee chose the winner from 15 nominations (unlike the 14 nominations last year) made by the Freemasons of course. (Why the hell didn't they just choose the winner themselves?)
- The Irish church for pioneering sex with young boys as a way to avoid the sinful use of condoms.
- Janusz Korwin-Mikke for losing all possible elections (parliamentary, presidential, or local) during the last 19 years, including 3 lost elections in 2010.
- UEFA for creating mascots for Euro 2012 that are clear copyright infringements of Euro 2008 mascots and an allusion to the Kaczynski twins - former PM and President (now dead) of Poland.
- Poland for sending its most important people to Russia in the same plane and letting all of them die.
- Kim Jong-il for trying to insanely provoke every other country to attack North Korea, singlehandedly starting World War III.
- Hungary for carrying out the biggest chemical experiment, in which they checked how people react with tons of highly alkaline and caustic liquid waste from red mud lakes.
- BP for using Gulf of Mexico as an oil reservoir.
- People of Iceland who refused to pay back their debts to Netherlands and Great Britain.
- Country of Iceland for using their volcano to paralyze air traffic in Europe.
- Horst Köhler - the former president of Germany for resigning from the office under press criticism.
- The Police of Manilla for killing nearly all the hostages while trying to kill a single hostage-taker--and airing the whole episode live worldwide.
- God for blasting Indonesia with a volcanic eruption, tsunami and an earthquake in two consecutive days. Alluhu akbar indeed.
- Wikileaks founder Julian Assange for publishing the US secret documents that insult the most important world leaders.
- The Swiss prosecutor for acquitting Roman Polanski of a charge of having sex with an underage girl.
- Chile for organizing a worldwide reality show presenting 33 miners in the underground survival camp.
The committee met in closed session for three days in a local prison (to expedite the choice and keep the voters from getting too comfortable). Finally, on the third day, the white smoke left the prison's chimney, announcing to the world that new Why didn't anyone think of that before?! award winner has been chosen. The Committee Chairman would now announce the results to the waiting world, to the throngs who had come to Norilsk and were praying, drinking beer, and freezing to death during the debate.
Finally, The Speaker of the Committe - Andrew Golota came out of the hotel in the company of Ralph Nader and Bill Clinton and tried to announce the winners but his many times broken jaw didn't let anyone hear anything he said. Fortunately there was Bill Clinton.
|The 3rd place was won by...|
Unfortunately, Andrew Golota knocked him down shouting "Daatz maah' rollle!!!". Quickly after that he was arrested and taken back to the prison. So Ralph Nader was the last man standing who announced the results:
| Without any pressure from the giant corporations we chose this year's winners! The 3rd place was tied between Chile, country of Iceland and the Irish church.|
The second place was won by BP concern but I regret they did not win. They are big corporation and they need to be publicly punished for their crimes. Vote Nader! Uhm...
And this year winner is... Hungary - the country which carried out the biggest chemical experiment in history!
The results were shocking fot the press as everybody expected Kim Jong-il to win again this year!
Fortunately, Ralph Nader explained everything.
We had to make a decision. Decision weren't really easy. Especially, we had problems with communication as well as with some of the Committee members. First of all, one of the Committee member - Leslie Nielsen was dead but voted anyway, much to our confusion. Moreover, another Committee member - Lisa Moocowsky... was not on the list and we debated over killing her before Freemasons find out she is inside illegally. Fortunately, I reminded about write-in possibility and we kept her but she was probably raped one night by unidentified man. He was one of use but we may never know who it was...
Anyway, we had to scratch some of the nominations before the voting itself. You may not know but Freemansons changed the last year's rules and we didn't have to achieve any consensus. We had to vote over 5 nominations in a ballot voting.
First of all we scratched Janusz Korwin-Mikke. All of us but me thought he is just a loser and doesn't deserve any award but I know he is a great hero who fights with a government who keeps a strong dictature in Poland.
Following that, we scratched UEFA as nobody in the Committee is interested in the weird game of soccer.
After few hours of strong debate we decided not to award Kim Jong-il as he is already boring and nobody cares about him anymore. And it was our statement of protest against his rocket shooting. You know, people can pretend to ignore a retarded baby as long as it doesn't touch anything belonging to those people.
Then we agreed on not awarding Poland for their airplane disaster of Smolensk as we are afraid of Antoni Macierewicz of Poland, who would likely kill us all as he would accuse us of being involved in the catastrophe. The atmosphere in Poland about the catastrophe is so dense that we shouldn't touch the matter. It's better not to talk about this. Maybe after 50 years...
We also decided to scratch the nomination of people of Iceland as not paying debts is nothing unusual in our opinion - it's an American national sport...
Then Horst Köhler was scratched off the list as he didn't actually do anything new. Nixon was faster about 36 years...
At this point we'd like to distinguish the feat of the Police of Manila. The show was great and I had fun watching it! Anyway, there were better nominations this year.
Then, after strong discussion, we decided to scratch God as we couldn't agree which god should be awarded - God, Allah or maybe someone else?
We also quickly agreed on scratching off Julian Assange as we do not appreciate his actions and we think he is worse than Osama bin Laden - I told that!
We also decided to scratch Roman Polanski as we discovered he was nominated for roughly the same thing last year and he lost.
Finally, we had 5 nominations left and it was Saturday. Because of the date of voting, we had to vote in an incomplete Committee as Michael Schudrich decided not to vote during Sabbath. Fortunately, dead Leslie Nielsen voted as we drew out 8 ballots from the box. Irish church, country of Iceland and Chile got one vote each. BP got two votes including mine, and Hungary got 3 votes.
It's unconfrortable for me to speak in the name of the Committee about the winner as I voted for BP. I think Hungary shouldn't win despite the fact their experiment was really interesting...
Then Ralph Nader started a tirade about corporations and he was took off the air.
The award was sent to Hungary to Pál Schmitt of Fidesz party - the president of Hungary. Other winners from the box won't get anything as Freemasons stick to the good old rule - "winner takes everything".
Unfortunately, the Hungarian president didn't want to comment on the decision of Committee. Other winners did the same. The only person who wanted to comment was Janusz Korwin-Mikke who told the quote of the day:
|I'm sure I will win the next time.|
He says this every time he loses an election... 19 years of constant losing...
Still the same day whole Committee departed from Norilsk and their plane disappeared from radars somewhere over North Korea. Probably Kim Jong-il retaliated for not being announced the winner.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|