User:Prettiestpretty/The Free Advice Man

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The Flea Advice Man

The world's wisest and most intelligent man, known to zillions of sentient beings throughout the Universe and several dozen maniacs here on Planet Earth as The Flea Advice Man, Zhon-Pi-Er Aa-Dee Fen-Yo, became famous in 1798 when The New Zorker gazette published an article about him. Long before Karl Marx said "I would never join a club that would have someone like me as a member!", and long before Charlie Chaplin created his famous Flea Circus Ringleader character, came The Flea Advice Man! The Flea Advice Man is so wise and knowledgeable that he even discovered the Secret to Eternal Life and the key to avoiding people who stock up on excessive amounts of Limburger Cheese! Unfortunately for the rest of us, The Flee Advice Man is only able to communicate with flees. Nevertheless, since 1917, Lemurian Scientists have been working on a device that will some day allow us to understand Fleenese, the sole language of all flees. When that day comes the supreme wisdom and penultimate knowledge of The Flea Advice Man will be available for all humanity to use. But, as per our policy of No Original Content, you can rest assured that you will not find out about any of it from Uncyclopedia.

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Zhon-Pi-Er Aa-Dee Fen-Yo was born on the 33rd of July, 1775, to Mao Tse-Jung Fen-Yo, a Manchurian Candy-Date producer and Madame Tchang-Kai The Czech, an Atheist Czech who converted to Neo-Classicism after moving to Shangri-La to study Advanced Particle Physics with Prof. Dolly Lamar Wittgenstein III, the world's foremost authority on the subject, then tenured at The University of Shangri-La's Theoretical Department of Physics. It was there that Zhon-Pi-Er's mother met his future father, who was himself studying Nocturnal Sciences.

Zhon-Pi-Er's early childhood life was totally boring and unremarkable, to the point that his parents began to drink excessive amounts of fake Stolichnaya Whiskey. By the time Zhon-Pi-Er was six his parents were almost about to die of severe liver disease, but suddenly, as if by magic, the future genius had a spontaneous transformation of character, and thought he did not excel at most subjects in his first year at Shangri-Lah Public Boys School, he impressed his teachers with his unusual ability to get fleas out of people's hairy parts and bodies simply by talking to them in their unique language, Fleanese! Within months the young sage was learning all the incredible knowledge that fleas had acquired throughout nearly one billion years of their species' existence. Unfortunately for Zhon-Pi-Er this peculiar ability to communicate with fleas caused him to lose interest in learning human languages and developing his ability to communicate and socialize with other people, and by the time he was eight he was expelled from school. It was at this point that Zhon-Pi-Er started to become a recluse, and ever since then he has rarely been seen in public.

In 1968 a band of Portuguese Hippies, who had just spent the most marvelous time in Southern California, living for months on nothing but bread, water, goose fat, beans, Pot Tea and grass, amidst the weird soft basaltic rock formations of Zabriskie Point (made famous by the movie of the same name), having heard about the legend of The Flea Advice Man from a retired Tibetan monk by the name of Grass-Hopper, who was forced to retire on account of his strange affliction that causes him to yell passages from The Story of O by The Marquis De Sade, the band of Portuguese Hippies, lead by the now famous Rock Star Bon Jovianni, departed by ship to begin their long search for Zhon-Pi-Er in the mountains of Tibet. After wasting forty years of wandering in the Goby Desert, thanks to a mistake made by a Prussian cartographer two centuries earlier, and the fact that they deliberately bought the map dated from the 18th Century because Bon Jovianni was of the conviction that in order to find someone born in 1775 one must have a map from the same period in History, they finally met a Yak salesman, who spoke enough English and also, oddly enough, a few words of Portuguese, who explained to them that they were actually going around in repeated circles around Hoolanbator, the capital city of Mongolia, and that he had heard of the legendary sage while visiting a very distant relative, a dealer in rare photographs of totally invisible ghosts, who happened to live in Tibet!

Forty-one years after they had embarked on their quest for The Flea Advice Man, the Lord of Fleas, they finally came across him as he was taking a crap (or a poo, if you prefer) behind the ruins of an ancient monastery dedicated to Lao Sin, a Chinese mouse known to be the reincarnation of an even more ancient Llama! Unfortunately, all they could learn from the sage, whose physical body resembled plastic Halloween skeletons, was that he could say four words in Tibetan: LONG LIFE VERY BORING.

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