User:Prettiestpretty/Oprah

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Prettiestpretty/Oprah.

Oprah Winfrey, is an African-American media sensation, a God to millions of disenfranchised housewife's and singletons. She is proof positive that in the Black Community, women dominate both the home and the business world, and pity the fool that tries to prove otherwise.

Oprah's empire controls television shows, and a cable network, movies, books, thought, Scientology and the hopes and dreams of millions of women world wide. If Oprah says jump, these women will immediately ask "How High?" on the way up.

In 2009, Winfrey will star in an all-black version of the Sound of Music and is currently on location in Austria filming the story of a Catholic nun who becomes the bride Captain in Austrian Navy.

"In the role of Maria, I found peace. In Austria, I have found all the schnitzel that I ever could have imagined - and who knew that veal was this good, tender and tasty? Hell, I just might buy the country, you know what I'm saying?"

edit The Story of "O"

Raised a a black child by her parents, Oprah found that her only friends that she could count on in life were Pop-Tarts - there were always two to a sealed bag. As a young Nappy Headed Ho (she can call herself that, you can't) she began her climb up the ladder of success using a unique mix of positive thinking, empowerment and Green Stamps to become co-host of of a third-rate syndicated program called PM Magazine.

From there it was a hop, skip and leap of faith that lead her to first destroy Phil Donahue, before taking on [[Harpy|Sally Jesse Rottensmell, Jenny Jones, Tony Danza and every other po-dunk cracker that ever dreamed of success.

Unhappy with this success, Winfrey claimed the word "Oxygen" in the name of her company Harpo Productions and now charges a fee of $20 (US) every time someone uses the word. Think this is foolish? Think again. Oprah knows all, see all and keeps a tally.

She is today the King Midas (work with us on this, OK) of American media, turning everything she touches into gold.

edit "I've Done Your Drug"

In 1995 Oprah once made the off-handed remark that she had once done drugs. The day after this was said, the United States Crack epidemic began as millions of white middle-class people threw themselves into the inner cities hoping to score a couple rocks.

In turn, this has helped to make these neighborhoods both "Up" and "coming."

edit From her mouth to your ears

An endorsement from Oprah Winfrey means success, even if you selling bacon to Jews, "Oprah" equals "product sales".

The power of Winfrey's words came in 1990 when she was brave enough to admit that she flossed her teeth. Floss sales in the United States tripled; in the United Kingdom floss use went up an astounding 4,000,000 percent. Next Winfrey announce how fond she was of Velcro fastened shoes - again, her fans stampeded to Wal-Mart and before the day was done every viewer of her show was wearing those ugly-ass shoes.

Other examples of her power to sway people include:

  • Increased use in toilet paper after Oprah confides that she once had a stinky bottom, but now wipes exclusively with toilet paper.
  • Pontiac, the embattled U.S. car maker is about to pull the plug on its unlovable G4 model when Oprah went looking for a corporate handout. After announcing that "everybody gets a car!" millions of viewers stampeded General Motors dealerships demanding keys to the cars. When the dealerships refused, Oprah placed one call to Detroit and GM capitulated, unable to yield to her persuasive banter.
  • And then there is Dr. Phil. Once Oprah introduced the gummy sounds of the loud mouthed Texan to the people of the United States, they felt a duty to let the simple brute into their homes, bought his books and turned him into the biggest sex symbol in America nursing home history.

edit Bid to Control the Black Man in the White House

In 2007, Oprah announced that she would endorse Senator Barack Obama (D-Illinois) in his bid for the Democratic nomination for President of the United States. To do this Oprah set about her four-tiered plan:

  1. Oprah's endorsement means that people who normally not vote for the Black Man will vote for the Black Man because she tells them to do it.
  2. Oprah emasculates Obama in the process because he can only get the votes because for her endorsement.
  3. Oprah destroys Obama's marriage by becoming more important to the President Elect-Obama than Obama's wife - and-
  4. Following Michelle Obama's divorce, Oprah marries Barrack Obama becoming the black Evita of the United States.

edit Just a big ol'girl

If by some fluke of nature, this plan does not come to fruition, Oprah plans on destroying the world as we know . As she sees it "If I can't have things my way, ain't nobody else going to have anything any old way. You know what I'm saying?"


edit Filmography

  • The Color Purple (1985) as (Mrs. Purple)
  • Soul Food (1997)
  • The Color Purplish Part 2: (2007)
  • Sound of Music (2009 - in production)
  • The Color Egg Plant - (2010 pending)

edit See also

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