User:Prettiestpretty/F-5 Tuna Tornado
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
F-5 Tuna Tornado is the term used to best describe the emission of air, trapped in an unsavory woman's stale vagina. Unlike the more common Pussy Fart, or the less known (but more motherly) Birth Canal Belch, the FR-5 Tuna Tornado is know for its unique je ne sais quoi - its essence which is uniquly feminine and marinelike at the same time. The force with which a Tuna Tornado is unleashed and for its distructive fierocity earned it an F-5 rating on the Beaufort scale used to rate hurricanes beginning in 1940.
While the origins of vaginal expulsions of air have been the bane of lovers, and woman who live by their talents since the dawn of human expirience, the advent of the F-5 Tuna Tornado is a relativly recent invention, its first useage dating to the early 19th Century when its first recored usage was made by Horatio Nelson, 1st Viscount Nelson, who was dining at the home of Lord Hamilton. As recorded by Lord Hamilton:
- "Nelson was eating with great bravado, when stopping to catch his breath, he looked up between the legs of (Hamilton's wife) Emma to ask if I could get him a napkin, just as an emission of air escaped from her womanhood, and the room filled with a stench, blossoming like the scent of the fish monger that flows into the carriage with open windows passing by the stall on a hot summers day...a slight hissing sound could be heard as well..causing Nelson to gag out "This hospitality is most fine, but you didn't warn me of the Tuna Tornado!"
Soon, Tuna Tornado became code for Lady Hamilton and as affairs with Nelson were made public, so did the name and its origins.
By 1939 the phrase was so commonly used that it had long lost its ooomph. In his March 1933 inaugural address to the nation, Franklin Delano Roosevelt even went so far to say that the American people need only "Fear fear itself, and on that rare occassion, Eleanor's Tuna Tornado..."
However by the late 1930s people were tirining of teh World Wide Depression, and as they regained their sense of hope and spirit began fucking with greater abandon and force. So in 1940, following the introduction of the F-1 to F-5 Beaufort wind speed scale for wind storms (Huricanes, Tornados, etc.)the "F-5" added to the Tuna Tornado phrase to differentiate between a run of the mill Tuna Tornado (aka Queef, Pussy Poot, etc.) a Tuna Tornado of such magnitiude as to turn the stomach and flip over a car in one motion.
edit On the Stage
The famed Rogers and Hammerstein attempted to use the phrase F-5 Tuna Tornado in the musical The Sound of Music and evidence suggests that the song (How Do You Handle A Problem Like) Maria" was originally written as How Do You Handle A F-5 Tuna Tornado:
How do you run from smell like a rotting fish?
How do you find a word describes a F-5 Tuna Tornado?
Two problems emerged with this idea.
First, while Rogers saw no problem with Nuns singing about vaginal odor ("They, would be familiar with it.") Hammerstein felt compelled to use the word clown in the last lyric, and unable to find something that would be evokotive of a poot, and not wanting to offend the audience the with the actual number of stage the reference was dropped. However actresses with feminine odor problems were hired to sing the song, which was rewritten about someone named Maria.
edit Usage today
The evolution of language rise and falls on the meaning of fashion, and being at a nadir of era of less descriptive tongues, the "F-5 Tuna Tornado" has fallen out of favor, instead replaced with such street terms as "Cooter Pooter", "Cunt Fart" and "Hoochie Toot".
The term did leak into the news in 2001 when actor Nick Nolte was found wandering the streets of Los Angeles after encountering a F-5 Tuna Tornado after a night of passion with a Mexican waitress named Juanita.
However the term hasn't been declared officially dead, is still used, and is found as a favorite of the British Upper Class, where it was created.