User:PopGoesTheWeasel/Automobile

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“Man who stand in front of car get tired but man who stand behind car get exhausted too.”
~ Confucius on Cars
“私は私がクソお尻を失うつもりですより多くの車を売るいけない場合ボイ”
~ Toyota on Cars
“私の陰茎しゃぶる!”
~ Honda on Hyundai
“귀하의 성기가 너무 작습니다!”
~ Hyundai on Honda
“Φϡξ!”
~ Uncyclopedia on Honda
TypicalCar

A 116 lolあえぎ!!! Japanese-brand automobile worn by a man on his way to work.

An automobile(also known as auto-car or car) is an industrial form of garment or clothing for the body. It was originally a garment worn exclusively by British people who were perceived to have swag. The garment in general was used as a representation of men privacy and physical responsibility but a large increase in the number of people who don't give a shit eventually lead to an unintentional revolution and evolving of the automobile. Due to its significant history and changes, it has became one of the most commonly discussed topics in educational system of schools, often being used to demonstrate the effects of permanent mental disorder. The invention has gained notoriety for its abnormal measures in weight and size alone, often resulting in the wearer of the garment to have extreme difficulty in his or her attempt to wear it - several people have complained about having to bend their necks and shift their body into uncomfortable positions in order to wear the garment. Some were reported to have even broken their necks and ribs while attempting to wear the garment. The garment is currently engineered and structured to hold over 150 pounds of gasoline which has led the automobile to have achieved the world record on being the heaviest garment to be worn by a man.

The current system of an automobile is attached with a maximum number of 5 wheels as a stable balance and support of the garment, along with a motor to ease the wearer and ensure they do not break their necks. Several motors are also implanted into the system, with each one connecting to a source of importance. Due to the complication of the system, the wearer is required to unlatch one of the six flaps of the automobile and crawl in.

History and evolution

"The automobile, is, looking back, an imperative and significant design that will mark its position in history. The revolution of the automobile will be driven far into the road of the future - no pun intended ".
—Karl Benz's prediction on his draft of the automobile.
Automobile bs draft

Karl Benz's earliest draft of the first automobile which will eventually go through several modifications before being ditched.

The first working automobile was invented in 1885 by Karl Benz who was a social critic of the society of youth during his early thirties. He encouraged the distribution of sexually arousing technical cloth systems. Eventually, the ignorance displayed towards his arguments contributed to his inspiration of a mechanical garment suitable to exhaust children as an alternative form of restrain against them screaming and whining about Disney.

His idea went through several modifications in order to be able to fit the conditions applied to his sketches, with great highlight on the budget. His attempt was deemed a failure after his creation of the automobile was called a cob of corn with legs. Following the criticism of his draft, he discarded his plans but predicted the success of the automobile was imminent.

Following the accounts of his draft, the theory of a metal garment gained controversy and praise, despite Karl Benz's draft being criticized by as a pile of shit. The idea of the creation of an automobile sparked off a chain of events, including the invention of several cheaper brands of fuel. The first few impressions of the automobile was supposed to run on creamy goodness made by baby seals when they are clubbed to death by Eskimos. This form of scavenging of the fuel was criticized for being too expensive and causing great amounts of contriversy among the Walrus Community Of Good Will who criticized the use of the baby seals, calling it a "perfect waste of good, delicious baby seals". Several companies were spawned following the heavy criticism which focused on the production and distribution of a new brand of fuel called gas. This creation led to the new automobile to gain universal acclaim.

The car finally gained its respectable place in the world today when it had 2 new features added to its core design. First, a device nicknamed the "Granny 'poon", fires a pointed spear out of one of the new car's hidden compartments, and seeks into older women walking the streets. The older woman will then be speared through the hip, and feels no pain at this time since most hips are replaced at this age. The "granny" is then dragged behind the car for miles. This provided great entertainment for teenagers seeking a thrill other than commercial drugs.

Automobile

The hybrid car

Lolsroyce

The Lols-royce. Currently the most accurate rendition of a car traveling through 4-dimensional space in the whole of the UnTernet.

Smart

A stretch limousine (left) and economy car (right)

Poolcar

There are three explanations for this image. First one: This was a car probably being driven by a woman, Second one: Carpooling, and third one: This is a car that wanted to enjoy some pool-time. Cars always wanted to enjoy humans' privileges

Vehicle

In the future, wheels proved to be fashionable no longer.

Ohdear

Car fliped on its side to make more space.

Airflow

A tricked out modern car, with sweet rims, a brand new paint job, and a special hidden spike on the steering wheel in case you crash, so that when you do crash, you wont have to suffer the pain of being injured, and more importantly, you won't have to pay for your totaled car. This spike is also known as an airbag.

The world of 'W's engines

Why the fuck would you make an engine look like a W? Worst fucking idea ever. We should impeach the bastards that came up with that idea.

Sorry, that was unprofessional of me. What I meant to say was, the use of Ws in cars was the worst idea since that God-awful Car-Ter design, which, despite high expectations, didn't work at all. The idea of car Ws barely won out over the competing Gore design, which was shaped like a bull's horn and attempted to kill anyone who added gasoline to their car because such an action would empower ManBearPig. Despite this flaw, the Gore design has been considered to be much better than the W design, which is so desperately addicted to gasoline that it, like a vampire, has killed thousands of people to get its heroin-esque fix. Remedies to this poor design choice have included the Obammer design, which runs very well but has been known to cause large crowds of cult followers to block the car's process with their adoration of the engine; the McCan engine, which is produced from old, rusty tin cans and still kills people for its gasoline fix, but does so a lot less than the W engine; and the Na-Der engine, which is basically the Car-Ter engine painted green.

Vandalism

  • Vandalism Of Cars Is Hilarious!! Do It Every time You See A car.
  • Vandalize vans too because they are rubbish and boring!!!
  • Vandalizing is fun as long as you do it to any car!
  • If You Smash An Old Persons Car You Get 10 Points!! High 5!
  • Never, I mean NEVER, smash or vandalize a dustbin as these are not cars. Yes, even the ones with wheels...

The art of car vandalism is when someone takes someone's car without their consent, either a stranger’s or someone they know, and pimps it out in any ways they feel are necessary. This may include, but is not limited to getting someone with long fingernails to scratch profane words on the car, shooting chickens at the car (which strips the paint), setting unused rolls of toilet paper on the car, and painting the car colors which make the car’s owner look homosexual. Car Vandalism is the national sport of posers. So, why not smash your grandma's car, she would appreciate it loads! Another game I discovered is called 'bumper bashing'. This is where you take a hammer with you late at night and smash the hell out of car bumpers. You get 15 points if the car is owned by either a blind person or a gypsy. 50 extra points if you can remove the bumper after bashing.

Carvandalism

One incident of Salvador Dali vandalizing someones car.

Vandalisedcar2

Cars, so popular, even flames want a ride

Salvador Dali

One famous car vandal is Salvador Dali. He has most likely vandalized over 400 cars and growing, usually leaving them completely destroyed with trees and other plants growing out of them. On one occasion, it was reported that he vandalized a car and then used magic powers to levitate it up into a wall of solid rock, and leave it hanging. Firefighters then had to climb the wall, and use axes to knock it down, which thus totaled the car. Nice one dude.

Hoople Skunt

Hoople Skunt gained fame in 1913 for becoming the first person to write "wash me" on the rear window of an automobile. After it was found mildly funny by the public, it gained popularity and can still be seen today on many vehicles. It is said that the term "hooptie", referring to shit box cars, came from this famous originator. Apparently, most people are either blind or are really bad spellers .

Uncyclopedia Articles on Cars

Haha, I totally got you! Boobies!

Cars and Women

If men didn't need cars to get a women they would screw them in a cardboard box if they could.

Automobiles

Car explosion

This is what happens if you try to steal a modern car.(Note the darkness.)

From the Latin roots "auto", meaning furious, and "mobile", meaning decorative structure, an automobile is any object that by its physical design evokes anger in those persons foolish enough to enter them. Automobiles are often equipped with rhino blinds, and the means to possess one of these metal transporters generally comes in a deceased relatives will.

Dangerous uses of the car

Some dangerous usage of automobiles is inhalation without filtering. Then there is the Drive by Shooting and the kamikaze bombing. Also, there is driving off a Cliff. The only person known to survive any of this is Jesus. Common automobiles include:

Monster Truck Limo

If you would like to destroy your annoying neighbor's car, this is how you do it. * Go To Dick's Sporting Goods * Ask To Rent A Monster Truck * Show Identification to prove that you are not an illegal immigrant from Mexico. * If you are...RUN!!! * If you aren't, take the keys, steal a canoe, and head out the door. * Then run over your old crappy car * Then drive to your house * Then run over you're annoying neighbor's crappy/nice car * Tell your wife you swapped cars with some gangster in an alley. * Keep car in the backyard so the cops don't find out.

Speed Kills

Decades ago some skimpy lawyer published a book called "Unsafe At Any Speed" and talks about how speed kills. so according to his logic, any kind of speed kills. cars gain speed over time so you will get killed, huffed, flattened, squished, huffed or stuck in the exhaust pipe. stay away from cars, unless you need/want to get killed!! Even if the car is not moving, it has zero speed, and since zero is a number, eventually you will die (I dare you to go 200 MPH you idiot). A new law has been made that you are only allowed to go wheel-spin if your car doesn't sound like a complete tractor like all the boy racer cars do. Never buy a Corsa for your first car as they are very slow and sound like a lawnmower.

(Caution- the book clearly mentions that speed kills, the car may have nothing to do with your death - only the mysterious bags of powder you found in the trunk)

Because speed kills in any way, shape or form, you are not allowed to move. Don't even move the mouse. Don't move a finger. In fact, your heart is currently speeding, so you better stop that, at which point you have a dilemma.

Cars and Alcohol

Governator

Arnold Schwarzenegger as depicted in the movie Cars.

Throughout the centuries, rednecks and car nerds have experimented with feeding cars all manner of fluids. The most notable is alcohol. Whether done in a controlled laboratory or in some guys back back yard, the results are the same. The car weaves and eventually hits something like Officer Ricky or Oscar Wilde, both being wild on Shroom Doughnuts and alcohol.

Ethanol is the most popular form of booze thrown into a tank. It was made mandatory in Florida where the drunk Liberal invaders claimed it was helpful to the environment. They drink it. The local folk went along because ethanol is cheaper than rum and it was the only beverage that could bring the two nations together.

Shiners have been known to use Shroomshine, umm...Moonshine, as an power boost to evade cops who want some really crazy times.

Maintenance

Firecar

OH SHIT MY CAR'S ON FIRE!!

Cars, like all modern machines, require frequent preventative maintenance to remain in peak operating condition. Owners should be sure to make the following checks and changes regularly:

  • Check your oil level after every trip - even short ones - and change it every month.
  • Top off your blinker fluid every 2,413 miles to prevent photonic radiation leaks.
  • Regularly check your hubcap gaskets for wear and tear
  • Open the seam on your muffler and check the conditions of your muffler bearings - corroded muffler bearings cause engine noise.
  • Check to make sure your flux capacitor is fluxing properly before using your car for time travel.
  • Be sure your wheels maintain a 360 degree turning radius - narrow turning radius is a sign of drive shaft lockup.
  • Make sure to thin down your gas mix each time you fill up by adding a shot of whiskey or five to ten mothballs.
  • Be sure you have enough speed holes - at least 20 - in the hood to improve fuel efficiency.
  • Make sure you add three-inch (tire-tread) nails to improve winter traction
  • And most importantly the AAA recommends turning your tires inside out after longer trips to prevent albino squirrels from mating in the inner linings.

Remember, regular maintenance now can prevent an expensive trip to the shop later. However, keep in mind that owner's manuals are written by the lowest bidder, and usually neglect to mention the most vital of maintenance items.

Interesting Car Facts

DramaticQuestionMark
Did you know...
It has been found that the average American car has increased 200lbs in weight from 1960 to 2000, this of course, is only if the average American is sitting in it.

Cars have been known to induce vomiting in small children particularly if the car is beautifully made and has no flaws whatsoever. These sort of cars have also been known to steal from it's owners in a clumsy and flatulent way. Many people are appalled by the way these cars (Normally cheap things like Koenigseggs). Other cars have been known to produce harmful gases such as Oxygen, Argon and steel. Many cars are naughty and get spanked by their owners which many believe are cunts. It's often been said that these owners (cunts) are so in love with themselves that they wouldn't even notice a forest of vagisil jogging past them.

Notable car crashes

Car crash with mr.stupid dumbass

A typical car with a civilian in the way.

  • A boy took a girl out on a date to a restaurant and they sat down to have a meal. While they were having their meal, the boy asked the girl "Do you want to see a car crash?", and then he stuck his tongue out with all the chewed up food on it, hoping that she'd find it funny. She gave him a slap in the face and rushes out. The boy was so devastated that she had broken up with him, he ended up having a real car crash on the way home.
  • During a foggy morning in England, a man hit five pedestrians while driving his truck along Abbey Road. All five of them were The Beatles.
  • A man had been driving his car for over 30 years until he fell asleep at the wheel.
  • A man was being rushed to hospital in an ambulance when it collided with a truck. He was so badly injured after the crash, he had to be rushed to hospital.
  • Your mom is so ugly, that when she lost the bus, she pointed out her thumb in order to get a hitch, sixteen motor vehicles (including a school bus) crashed into each other and caused maximum havoc. Then someone shouted: "AAH! Help us! An ugly, crab-attractive, mutated beetroot!!! Apparently she made all the cars crash, and she was quickly caught by a pack of crazy people armed with pitchforks and torches. She was found guilty of witchcraft and was sentenced to death by burning later that day.
  • Willy Loman died in a car crash. Come on. Like father, like son, think about it, won't you?

See also

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