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“Poltergeists. Just rubbing their asses on my face makes me recall my slimy grandpahood. How adorable.”
Far from being the terrifying apparitions found in folklore, poltergeists actually make affectionate pets and are very suitable for children, especially of the tv viewing variety. Friendly and gentle, child development experts claim they are better childhood pets than hamsters and/or grandmothers.
Poltergeists have often been discriminated against. Such acts of racism include seeing right through, walking right through, running from, exorcisms, and poltergeistbusters. Years ago, when The Man was keepin' em' down, it was considered acceptable to call them "poltergeists", "specters", "demons", and "Micheal Jackson". Today, poltergeists prefer the term "Ecto Americans". However, no one quite knows when the Ecto Americans will be granted their right to vote.
Poltergeists are by far the most complicated things in existence. Making a diagram of the poltergeist of a person would take eons because they are exessively messy creatures. Their body includes things that they don't need, except on Thursday or at their parties. (See poltergeist parties). Scientists have tried to figure out why poltergeists are so transparent-lucent-unvisible, and in the Institution of Hell, former professor that studied the art of liberating poop into space so other aliens would find it, Professor McDoobie Fo Muzzle in his incredibly advanced lab found out. Using the most advanced technology in dog noses and frisbees, professor McDoobie jumped sudenly to a conclusion:
“I have been researching for years, and after bum-breaking effort, the conclusion is, I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO FREAKIN' IDEA, SO STOP BUGGING THE HELL OUT OF ME!!!” After that he went out to get a drink. He wasn not found ever again, probably because his mother grounded him for the rest of his life.
A poltergeist's body is realy slimey, soft and transparent, with many highly evolved organs like:
- Dead Embrionic Flamingoes
- Atomic Energy Generators
- Special floating device
- Drug provisions
- playboy mags
Also, poltergeists can float because they have their bodies filled with gas and tiny jetpacks, that and antimatter. Some people found out that they can go through objects because their speed is so huge that their atoms just squeeze through concrete. It is known that the houses of African Tribe People are made of dung, which is inmune to poltergeists. There are several cases of poltergeists that dies going through dung walls every year.
Poltergeist don't eat? Of course they do. If they didn't, probably there would be rotten poltergeist food all over the place, and this planet would be foul-smelling. Yes. Poltergeist food. It is made of the same stuff that poltergeists are made of- transparent substance and their ability to float. Poltergeist food is produced when someone eats some food, that food dies and it's poltergeist comes out. This dead food's poltergeist dies and flies all over the house. One of the reasons poltergeist live on houses is because there's lots of poltergeist food lying around.
Poltergeists go to the poltergeist bathroom! There is such thing as poltergeist poo... ...and poltergeist toilets.... ...or Evil Pizza.
Poltergeists every winter and every cold, extremely rainy and windy night make eery howling noises that to a human may cause their brains to send distress signals through their nerves to their asses so they crap their pants without really being able to control it.Regardless of how scary, male poltergeists use this signal to attract giraffes, Bob Dylan and female poltergeists too. If desperate enough, these poltergeist would have to resort to kitten huffing even though kittens do not have long necks such as giraffes.
After that, poltergeists turn into Copula Mode. Naturally, like any couple, they will want their privacy, so before starting their mating activity, they open a hole in space using the strange force into the 98,234th dimension. It is unknown what happens there, or even what that place looks like.
Baby poltergeists often are microscopic and are born in cuantities of billions per season. The babies are released in the 98,234th dimension, but then a huge dimensional flux happens and they come out through the earth's poles. That's how you explain the Damn Northern Lights.
Uses of Poltergeists in Cooking
Poltergeists are so good for giving that especially haunting flavour to your foods. Lesbians use poltergeists when making sausage pie. Here are the instructions to make a Poltergeist-and-Sausage-Pie*.
1- Prepare all the ingredients.These are:
* Poltergeist Chops * Elepants * Sausages (make sure they were boiled in the pot of boiling oil in hell's torture chamber) * Extra spongy sponge * Bread * You
Just mix in a bowl and put in oven. Ready.
*Warning, killing a poltergeist will annoy the poltergeists and they will sue you
It is wildly accepted that having poltergeists as pets is totally AWESOME AND THAT ANYONE WHO TRIES TO ABOLISH IT WILL BE EXTERMINATED BY A HUNGRY PACK OF CARNIVORE LEGS THAT HATE YOU.
They are becoming increasingly popular, especially in places like the far lands of Yoomapoty and Elmer's Duck O Doom Island. You can find them in any grocery store in the section in where they keep fairies and octopuses toghether, and generally, it costs half a pizza to get one, and no signing papers are needed, because the chances are that as soon as you buy the poltergeist, it will fly away or haunt you.
Do not confuse Poltergeists with Ghosts.
Poltergeists with feelings
There are currently known two types of feelings poltergeists have. They are:
Sad poltergeists are rather whiney and complain a lot.
How to Identify a Sad Poltergeist
Sad poltergeists moan a lot, a habit which is quite annoying. They just won't shut up, even if you hit them with a broom.
Happy poltergeists are rather pleased with themselves, they are constantly giggling and going "boo".
How to Identify a Happy Poltergeist
They smile a lot (however they are not to be confused with Drug Using Poltergeists, which often share this trait), they often go "boo" then quickly back away and start snickering (not to be confused with Demented Poltergeists, which will often share this trait). Also, the happy poltergeist is the ultimate evil to the imperfect sheep because imperfect sheep do not like their happy disposition.
Exorcism is one favourite. A priest comes to the residence and after drinking a large quantity of alky-hol will parade around in traditional fashion chanting Bee Gees hits from the seventies. This has a success rate of precisely 72.9% for poltergeists who were dumbasses in their former life.
Praying is the second most popular remedy. This is entirely uselss, as proven by the fact that closing your eyes and talking to yourself does NOT make things happen.