User:Pocketthesaurus/Grand Theft Auto: Tatooine

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

< User:Pocketthesaurus
Revision as of 21:10, April 21, 2007 by Pocketthesaurus (talk | contribs)

(diff) ← Older revision | Latest revision (diff) | Newer revision → (diff)
Jump to: navigation, search

Grand Theft Auto: Tatooine is a game made by Lucasarts and Rockstar Games and is one of many fun video games set in the Star Wars universe.

The box for GTA: Tatooine

The storyline takes place on Tatooine, the home planet of Luke Skywalker. You play as Aralya, a female Twi'Lek who has fallen out of favor amongst her superiors in the Rebellion. She is down on her luck and has just recently managed to really, really, really, really, really, really piss-off Jabba the Hutt, the ruthless gangster that runs Tatooine.

You begin the game at Jabba's Palace, where you are offered a chance to redeem yourself. If you fail, you may be fed to The Rancor.

edit Characters

In GTA: Tatooine, there are many characters that you will meet and interact with (and sometimes kill) throughout the game.

Here are some of the more notable characters:

edit Aralya

Swoopjock and all-around tough-girl, she recently took a vacation from the Rebel Alliance and decided to visit Tatooine. Clumsy as she is,[1] she made the mistake of knocking over some shipments belonging to Jabba the Hutt. She now owes him small favors, lest she bed fed to The Rancor, Jabba's rabid dog.

edit Jabba



He is a Huttese-speaking Hutt. He is ruthless. He is a crime boss. He is ugly. He looks like a slug. He also rules Tatooine with an iron - albeit slimey - fist.

He loves roses, candlelit dinners, and long-walks no the beach (while holding hands).

Press *5937 for Jabba.

edit Bib Fortuna

Bib Fortuna has the misfortune of being Jabba's bitch, and believe it, he IS Jabba's bitch.

He will also have missions and tasks he needs handled. Being a lowly person in the employ of Jabba, he has less money to offer you, but his missions are key to the storyline.

Make sure you don't ask him what those funny tentacles on his head are for.


Oscar Wilde with his double-ended light saber.

edit Oscar Wilde

Oscar Wilde is a wise, old sage who lives in the Jundland Wastes. Rumors have it that he is a Jedi and that he may have owned droids in the past.[2]

edit Coach Carter

Coach Carter is the famed ex-coach of the TFL team The Tusken Raiders. He is just looking for a few good men (or, in this case, women) to help him scout new talent for a football new team he is making.

Coach Carter can be found in Anchorhead, the first city you unlock.

He also sells body armor.

edit Vehicles

There are many vehicles in GTA: Tatooine, from landspeeders to speederbikes to space-faring vehicles. Here is a quick overview of the most common or important ones:

edit Speederbike

Generic bike-vehicle. Kind-of like a scooter. Fun to ride, but don't let your friends find out.

edit Swoopbike

The Harley Davidson of Star Wars bikes. Take one of these badboys for a ride and just listen to the engine purr. This baby can take a lot of damage before being destroyed.

edit XP-37

“Ever since the XP-38 came out, they're just not in demand.”
~ Luke Skywalker on the XP-37 landspeeder

The XP-37 is the Dodge Neon of the Star Wars universe: everybody has one and they all suck, and nobody wants theirs anymore.

They also lack resale value.


The XP-38 landspeeder.

edit XP-38

The XP-38 is the elite of landspeeders. Think BMW, Audi, Lexus, or Benz. This landspeeder is the mark of a distinguished person; someone with money.

This is one of the best vehicles in the game. It has both speed and the ability to take a lot of damage before exploding into many small bits, much like The Death Star.

Unfortunately, you can't get XP-38 until you unlock Mos Eisley, the last city in the game.

edit AT-RT

All-Terrain Rapid-Transport.

Two legs and a small, open cockpit. Is fast and manueverable, but leaves you vulnerable to attack by rival gangs.

edit TIE Fighter

A small fighter craft capable of short-distance space flight.

edit Gangs

edit Imperials

The Empire is a bunch of jackboot-wearing, goose-stepping fascists. They will shoot you on sight if you make enemies of them.

edit Jabba's cronies

Vile gangsters that work of Jabba. Most are Italian.

edit Rebels

You start that game as friends to them. They are the sworn enemies of The Empire. They believe they are fighting for freedom.[3]

edit Tusken Raiders

Tusken Raiders are violent, nomadic "people". Mostly, they'll want you to perform small theft operations for them.

edit Jawa traders

Jawas buy and sell things.[4] As long as they don't know where it came from, they'll take it. They don't ask questions, either. Good place to ditch unwanted vehicles.

edit Locations

edit Jabba's Palace

You start here. The name is self-explanatory.

edit Anchorhead

A shitty town on a shitty planet in the middle-of-fucking-nowhere. It sucks. Why this is even in the game is beyond me? Probably because George Lucas enjoys referencing things from previous films and games, so as to keep us all brainwashed and yearning for more.

edit Tosche Station

Known for its power-converters, Toshe Station is the second section of the game that you will unlock, and the third section overall.

edit Mos Eisley

The fourth (and final) section of the game. It is filled with dangers, and has often been referred to by the words "never will one find a more wretched hive of scum and villainry."

edit Notes

  1. Stupid.
  2. But these are only rumors.
  3. However, one man's freedom fighter is another man's terrorist.
  4. Such as: droids, droid motivators, droid heads, droids that give head, droid arms, droid legs, droid genitals, vehicles, vehicle parts (but not windshields), weapons, droids, restraining bolts, droids, ship parts, severed heads, babies, severed droid heads, baby droids, bottles of Tylenol, and droids.
Personal tools