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Andrew Taylor (the man, myth, and cerial goat rapist)

Andrew Montgomery Taylor was born on August 9, 1983 in the cellar of a bar in Jacksonville, North Carolina. His parents don't matter so we will skip that part and go straight to his life as a child. Being born in North Carolina guarantees a few accomodations to families: you have a shittier state next to you to make fun of and make you look better (here's looking at you West Virgina), plenty of meth,and a Michael Jordan story no one else cares about. Although doctors would later identify this as autism, Andrew always had a gift of creeping the hell out of people. A big fan of shitting his pants til age 8, Andrew played by his own rules. Due to the fact he has a deathly fear of odd numbers, Andrew only completed every other grade of education, making the transition to college all the more difficult. Luckily after the Duke Lacrosse team ravaged a group of underage women, the NC board of educators greatly relaxed their admissions criteria and he was admitted. 2 years into his first semester Andrew realized two things: Math was not his subject, and masterbating in the cafeteria is not as frowned upon as you'd think.

Finally in 2009 he got his degree as a double major in Biology and Special Education of Retards. Surprisingly the job market in his hometown was tough and since he neither owned a bar nor played for the Tarheels he was forced to leave the state for work. 2,300 miles and more blowjobs than a Vietnamese schoolgirl later he landed in the Midwest. Although Nebraksa was his first choice, he quickly left after an incident at a local barn where" cornholers" not "cornhuskers" occured. The men needed 12 anal stiches apiece but were otherwise unharmed. Meanwhile Missouri seemed an obvious fit due to its fluxuation of climate and enourmous ethic population.

More to come soon...

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