User:Pigeon/Dirty Harry

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Not So Dirty Harry

Dirty Harry, dazed and confused after appearing outside San Francisco. Note that he is currently dusty, not dirty.

“You've got to ask yourself one question: Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk? Because it's three-card monte.”
~ Dirty Harry on his attempt to get spare change

Dirty Harry is the filthiest hobo this side of the United States. A fan of searching around for pennies, rolling around in filth and perversion, Dirty Harry is frequently sighted in the gutters of San Francisco, swearing at any police who come near him. With his known accomplices Filthy O'Flanagan and Moderately Well-Manacured Muldoon, Dirty Harry became a national celebrity during the 2005 Season of America's Filthiest Hobo.

edit Early Life

It's not known where (or how) Dirty Harry was born. Nobody has been able to counter the stench of his odour long enough to direct his incoherent ramblings towards Harry's origins in interviews. Eye-witness reports indicate he shambled into San Francisco in 1971, triggering an unprecedented wave of crime. The city degraded into a slum; plants and flowers withered where he walked; people fled in fear to get away from him, often smashing through windows and other valuable property. Harry swore at a nearby cop about this, who had smartly secured a clothes-peg on his nose:

“These loonies. They ought to throw a net over the whole bunch of 'em.”

After the officer had unshrivelled his eyeballs from looking at Harry, the hysterical masses were promptly arrested. This was the first act that gave Dirty Harry a reputation as the best cop in San Francisco - although any person who lived there would disagree. Being a hobo, Harry had swiped the officer's badge in his distraction.

edit Scorpions

Dirty Harry

Swallowing scorpions leads to facial changes and extreme crotch pain.

After avoiding being arrested for impersonating an officer-of-the-law several times by exposing his armpits, Harry built a den across an open-air sewer, made from trash bags. Many unorthodox arrests were carried out when criminals, escaping from misdeeds such as bank robberies or underwater sabotage, [1] passed out when they came within a 3 mile radius of the radioactive zone surrounding Harry wherever he walked. Two months after his ungrand arrival a plague swept across San Francisco - a plague of scorpions, although nobody took any interest as it wasn't a Biblical plague. Due to this general ignorance the population mostly ignored them, but Harry, ever-hungry for poisonous snacks, grabbed one and ate it. Followed by some initial confusion by thinking he was a superhero called Scorpio, Dirty Harry developed a sudden fascination for children. Not in THAT sense - he would kidnap a child, plant it in someone's empty house, then wait for the owner to come home and drive them to the police station using concentrated stench clouds. The money Harry collected from these arrests would then be mysteriously transformed into alcohol in a matter of seconds.

edit Schizophrenia

Over the next few months, as the jails filled with angry middle-aged parents, Dirty Harry would occasionally relapse into thinking he was a superhero. Pictures supplied by a friendly neighbourhood photographer showed various attempts at flying, spontaneously combusting, turning green and firing eye beams. This would usually involve Harry jumping from buildings, although the impacts with the pavement were absorbed by the multiple layers of hobo rags.

On one fateful day, Harry was driving another 40-something parent along the streets when he passed a cinema. Catching a glimpse of the screens inside, Dirty Harry was horrified to see an imposter sharing his name flying about on a skateboard. Along with the sight of a child rummaging in the popcorn machine and yet another Scorpio relapse, Harry yelled:

“Go on out and get some air, fatso!”

The scorpion, which had been lodged in Harry's appendix since being consumed, was suddenly expelled by noxious hobo gases, mutating into a vaguely humanoid fleshbag whilst Harry rapidly learnt an ancient Chinese technique.

edit Pursuit

After passing out like any other organic being that gets too close to Harry, the mutant promptly seized the kid from his giant popcorn bag, along with cash that Harry had stored in his rectum for safety, and sprinted away. After mumbling a bit, Harry shambled after the mutant to get his drink money back.

edit Footnotes

  1. They always escape down a back alley, to obey the Law of Cliché even if they break several others on the way.
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