User:Pentium5dot1/Storage facility/Pavel Chekov

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search

Pavel "Nu,cle,ar Wessels" Chekov, owner of the world's largest record collection, was a cast member of the extremely successful science fiction series Buffy, The Vampire Slayer. He is also a transexual and occasionally becomes a woman. When a woman, he is known by the less Russian name Katie Holmes.

edit Early Life

Pavel Aronovich Chekov is a fictional (or so we think) character born on November 12, 2133 in Kiev (Kyyiv), Ukraine. At the age of four, he became the youngest person in the Russian Federation to gain a fifth grade education, though his education process was retarded by a sudden case of phallacy at age six. At the age of ten, he joined starfleet's cadet program in New Moscow, Russia, where he learned how to operate an miniature fission reactor, which eventually caused his eyebrows to fall off from radiation. At age fifteen, he graduated from the program. He then left the academy to go on to become the youngest graduate at starfleet academy, at age seventeen.

edit With Starfleet

“Yeah! I'm on space wessel!”
~ Ensign Chekov

edit Ensign

Chekov started off with a rank of ensign on the U.S.S Constitution class Enterprise, under the command of Captain Pike. Pike had a fondness for Chekov (he was outstandingly loyal). During a refuel stop in San Francisco, Pavel left the ship to meet another starfleet officer, Lt. Commander James Kirk, who was being transferred to the Enterprise after a fight with a gay crewmember, Lt. Buttemeil. The two got back to the Enterprise, only to find that Pike had died of a stroke onboard the Enterprise after finding out about a crewmember's love affair with his daugter, Anita, who was an intern on the ship. Kirk, afterwards was chosen to be acting (soon to be permanent captain.

edit Commander

Within three years,Ensign Chekov had became Commander Chekov, due to his heroism at the Romulan leftist conference (he killed everyone there). Chekov, already an experienced officer, went on to become first mate after Commander Spock resigned to go to the Vulcan Science Academy. Kirk was then promoted to Rear Admiral, jumping over Commodore, for destroying a massive Klingon vessel (wessel), known as the Rapier (not raper). Chekov was angered by this, for he fired the sun splitter into the engine of this craft. He then left Starfleet.

edit Buffy

According to the other actors, Chekov was a difficult man to get along with, probably because of his insitence that he be paid in hickory nuts. He also mandated that all his costumes had to be in pristine condition, as he was terrified that squirrels would hunt him down and mug him, presumably to steal aforementioned hickory nuts.

Playing Walter Koenig was a change for Chekov. Instead of the usual Southern accent he put on when acting, Rodenberry instructed him to spend seven months in a Soviet Russian prison camp. This not only helped Chekov get a perfect accent, it also served as an inspiration for Rodenberry's next musical, A Day In The Life Of Ivan Denisovitch.

Chekov's best friend on screen was the sardonic computer Seth Green, played by Tom Welling, but in reality the two couldn't communicate, as Welling could only speak Swahili naturally. (He had his lines fed to him via Rodenberry mouthing the words, which Welling would copy, later to be dubbed by William Shatner.)

edit After Buffy

Since Buffy was cancelled after thirty-seven seasons due to lack of initial interest, Chekov went on to his short-lived spin-off show, Silver Spoons, in which Walter Koenig and his faithful dog Leonard "Bones" McKoy would have adventures throughout time. This, too, was cancelled, then restarted due to high DVD sales, a feat all the more remarkable for the fact that not only had the network only aired one episode, but the DVD hadn't been invented yet.

The network was eager for more, but Chekov abandoned the idea of such a show when Uhura tracked him down and told him if he continued, she would shoot him in the groin. Chekov didn't dare start the show again, as his groin was very tender since his transgendering operation.

He then promptly died. Go figure.

edit Movie List

Here is a partial list of movies Chekov appeared in:

  • The Hey, Mister Funny series
  • The How'd You Do, Guvnor series (with Sir Michael Caine
  • I Love The Nucular Wessels
  • Bongos For Buster
  • Mr Keating Goes To France, cameo as Earnest The Whoremonger
  • Bats In Space
  • Pies!
  • Wonkjiblybuttoons
  • And, of course, the highly popular Smetge series of alcohol advertisements/spy thrillers.

edit See also

Personal tools