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Stop hand Caution: The subject of this article is a lost cause.
I mean, we're trying but who knew elections would be this re-god-damn-diculous?

Barack Hussein O'Bama
Political career
Order 45th President... Probably. We're pretty sure.
Vice President Some Angry Old Man No One Knows
Term of office 20082016
Preceded by He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named
Succeeded by John McCain's frozen clone.
Political party Democrat Party (1996-2008)
Communist Party (2009)
Change Party (2010-2012)
Personal details
Nationality American
Date of birth N/A
Place of birth Descended Directly from Heaven
Date of death N/A
Place of death N/A
First Lady Oprah Winfrey

Barack Obama is a United States senator, should not be confused with his evil-twin Baraq Hussein Osama, of whom FOX News™ has written an approved and accurate article. He is currently running for the office of President thanks to his many accomplishments, such as not being old, articluate AND black at the same time, slaying Hillary Clinton, and bringing change. Obama is also the founder of the newest religion of Obamanism, the faith which instills hope that change will bring about change to bad things that require changing.

edit Biography

edit Early Childhood


Hard to tell which one is him, isn't it?

Barack Obama made his first move toward change by being born on August 4th, 1961 at a luau in Honolulu, Hawaii. His father, a black Kenyan Muslim, separated from his mother, a white Kansan atheist with a fetish for black dudes, when he was only two years old. He spent the majority of his childhood living everyone's dream in Hawaii, just like most average african children. His diary is filled with various entires that give us a better look into his life as a child.

Dear Diary,
The guys at school keep calling me 2% milk, then say "he's so rich and thick and chocolatey, that you can't shake him up." My white friends ask me if I'm their "brotha" or "wit dat" or "jivin', yo!" The black kids at school are more brusque; they just call me "Uncle Tom" and kick me in the groin whenever I go too near to them. They call me "Not Asian Enough". Sigh, I wonder if I shall ever find myself? *Tear*

Obama went through an emo phase at about twelve, but quickly changed upon learning that the requirements to be emo was crazy pale skin. His evil twin, however, continued in his endeavor to be hated by everyone by pulling elaborate schemes, such as leaving a pile of flaming dog-doo outside the doors of capitalists and catholics.

edit Later Childhood


A young Obama. Either enraged at his lack of acceptance or stoned out of his mind. You decide.

Obama's father, hearing of his distress, decided to take him to a place where a half-white half-black child would be accepted by all: Indonesia. Obama soon became familiar with the native traditions of malnourishment and Islam, two pillars of his current character, along with those silly Indonesian puppet plays and a habit of bracing for earthquakes. In addition to this, Obama became generally accustomed to Indonesian culture. However, his heart still yearned for acceptance in America.

Dear Diary,
I feel that I have made myself into such an entirely different person, that those who tormented my childhood will no longer even recognize me! This means that I will be able to reinvent myself as a completely new person and become truly accepted. I mean, someone who is half black and half white? What was I thinking? But a half black half white Indonesian Muslim? That's just crazy enough to work.

After four years of living in a foreign country, and having acclimated himself to (and gotten bored with) its customs, Obama felt that he was truly ready to make a fresh start in Hawaii, and so, in 1971, he set off to return to his native land. It was at this time that Obama began to experiment with behavior-altering substances (such as genuine Hawaiian lava and poi).

edit Adulthood

Obama, armed with a new confidence in his identity, set out to attend college at prestigious Occidental College in Los Angeles. Realizing his mistake, he transferred to Harvard University, and there attained dual degrees in Law and Condescension. His passionate idealism, long dormant, drips from every letter in his account of his college days.

Dear Diary,
Graduation day! I'm so nervous, my hat is soaked at the brim with sweat already. But I know that I'm doing the right thing. A law degree in the hands of an eloquent idealist, there's no more potent combination for the achievement of civil justice! As long as I can get past the host pronouncing my name "Berik O-bam-a," I should be fine. Sigh, white people simply will never wrap their tongues around that name.

Soon after his graduation from Harvard, he headed off to Chicago (reason: "it's not Indonesia and it's not Hawaii") to fight crime and become a civil rights lawyer. However, it is widely believed that this was just a fake cover up for his real occupation - being a Muslim terrorist.

edit Political Career

edit Humble Beginnings

BO Ludicris

Obama, pounding the pavement with other distinguished members of the Democratic party.

After working as a civil rights lawyer, he took a job in a community activist group. This position was roughly equivalent to “political bitch.” His actual work was menial canvassing of the type every Mormon is familiar with. During this time, Obama discovered what would become the key to his political success.

Dear Diary,
I have it! Today, as I sat down to lunch at Burger King, I watched an altercation between a customer whom the cashier had forgotten to give his change. It was then I realized what the American people truly want. How foolish I was to heed the advice of those who have made it into office! They've become so disconnected that they waste all of their time governing, instead of listening, to the people. But I, eating with the common man in that regal resteraunt, see those false kings for what they really are. And I will be their usurper.

edit 2008 Election


Barack Obama casts a smoke screen so he can get changed.

Obama, promising the people "Bread, Circuses, and more Change than you can handle!" entered the 2008 race as a relative unknown. However, due to the sweet, melodic tones of his voice and the attraction of the common voter to his message, he raked rival Hillary Clinton across the coals who is said to still be smoldering over her defeat in a campaign bus last spotted in the parking lot of a Piggly Wiggly in south Arkansas.

edit The Issues

Of course, we know that the American voter spends little time looking at a candidate's personal traits, and instead focuses rabidly on the actual issues. So, without further ado, a voter's guide to Barack Obama.

edit Change


Thumbs up for change!

I could try to elucidate Mr. Obama's position on change, but wouldn't it be so much better to hear it in his own words?

Experience? That word leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Our whole problem is that right now people are too experienced: too experienced at wheedling, too experienced at cutting deals, and too experienced at serving special interests! This is the time for new leadership! The time for hope! The time for change! The time for optimism! After that, perhaps more hope! Then hope again, change for a little while, then a mixture of optimism and change! After that we break for lunch. Then it's right back at things with some light change...

edit Iraq

American policy in Iraq needs to be changed. There is little optimism concerning our future in Iraq. To remedy this, all American forces will be redeployed to the Cape of Good Hope.

edit No Child Left Behind

Like a baby that has soiled himself, it must be changed.

edit Health Care

Change it, or hope for Canada to annex the US.

edit Illegal Immigration

Illegal Immigrants are full of hope that they might one day become citizens. We must either change our attitudes and accept this, or hope for them to go away.

edit The Economy

Our economic fortunes are changing! We must remain optimistic, however, and not let ourselves be discouraged from buying shiny things.

edit Abortion

See below.

edit Washington Lobbyists

Kill them. Every one.

edit The Homeless

We are all hoping for change on this issue. I hope that the solution is to give the homeless change.

edit Meet the Audience

(excerpt from a transcript from Obama's town hall meeting in Iowa

Chiquita: I grew up on the south side of Chicago an I wanna no, were you born a Democrat or was you indoctrinated into the cult by your parents or public school system?

Barack: First, Democratic beliefs are not a cult. Cults are a religion and Democrats don't believe in religion because it dictates how people should behave. The Republicans are the cult.

Chiquita: So Democrats don't believe in making laws? You mean we can do whatever we want?

Barack: Quite the contrary, Democrats believe in making laws so people will ....behave... uh, in the proper manner and, okay NEXT.

Ranchero: What is the difference between Democrats and Republicans in your opinion?

Barack: Have you ever heard the expression "can't see the forest for the trees"?

Ranchero: Of course, man. Who hasn't?

Barack: Well, Republicans tend to see whole forests. They are very good at seeing “big pictures,” and imagining such concepts as leveling the forest to build new shopping centers, monuments, and parking lots. Democrats, on the other hand, are often “tree people.” We often have an extraordinary ability to focus in. By focusing all our intelligence on one tree, we get attached to it and as Democrats, show the tree affection by hugging and living on top of it. If it weren't for Democrats, the world would be deforested and 6 feet underwater.


Bubba: If there were ever a better system of politics would you consider it or would you think it was like taking a piece away?

Barack: At age 45, I am comfortable the way I am and I would not want to take any pieces away. As a teenager, though, life was a lot harder and I’d have had a different answer if you asked me this at age 15. I guess we become more comfortable with ourselves as we get older and hopefully wiser. I've come to terms with my eccentric Democratic lifestyle. I no longer feel guilty advocating the killing of little 1 month old baby fetuses with itty bitty beating hearts the size of a hummingbird and have no qualms regarding the removal of social security benefits within the next 5 years. If Ford and GM can buck the seniors than why shouldn't we? Anything we can do to get them off the streets will only benefit the rest of society and result in fewer traffic delays.

Bubba: No, I mean would you take away our pieces? You know, like our protective gear? Like our guns, y'all?

Barack: Guns are fine as long as they are kept in a locked vault with triple locks and the guns are kept in the locked safety position at all times.

Starrylisha: Do you think politikses makes peoples smart?

Barack: I don’t think politcs makes people smart. There are many different ways to measure mental power. Often people in politics have powerful connections and a lot of cash and the public tends to see people like that as “smart.” But you can be smart in other ways too. For example, someone with great social skills might not seem smart to some observers but only because they are unaware of the intelligence required to become a conniving manipulator. Most politicians are aware of this fact and know how to play it smart while appearing dumb. In the political world we call such people "Republicans".


Nancy: As a woman, how do I become a presidential candidate?

Barack: There’s a lot of controversy about this. If you want to be taken seriously as presidential material, don't make fun of women who bake cookies especially if you are a woman. I would also suggest eliminating pantsuits from your wardrobe and don't wear a butch haircut. Shoulder length is best and don't speak in a hollow monotone. Don't stay with a man who let's some sleazebag suck his dick under the oval office desk and never forget that people never forget. Don't run at the same time as another very popular candidate from the same cult, err, party. And also Change. It is a coming.

Marcus: Why did you choose a Washington fixture to be your VP instead of a Beyonce or Leona Lewis?

Barack: Because I didn't want my campaign to become a speculative soap opera of who's fucking who. I think everyone knows that Chris Matthews and Jay Leno would wet their pants at the chance to make suggestive digs if I were to choose a young, inexperienced hottie instead of a dyed in the wool elderly Democrat.

Marcus: So are you suggesting that McCain chose Palin because he's going through some kind of mid-life crisis?

Barack: Mid-life? Haha. Yeah, if he lives to 380. No, I think he wants to attract hockey moms from Alaska and Minnesota, states which have typically voted for Jessie Ventura.

edit So...

That's all the time we have for tonight! I hope you've learned a bit more about Barack Obama, and will be able to fulfill your civic duty as an informed voter in approximately one year. If you missed it, don't worry. Incessant coverage by Meet the Candidates! will continue until, and possibly after, the winner has been announced, with only frequent interruptions by Miss Spears. Up next, Are you smarter than a 5th grader?:International Edition.

edit See also

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