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Gorillatrans HowTo 
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Is this your school picture? It's very...uhh...nice...?

So, high school's got you down? Keep getting thrown in the trashcan for no apparent reason? Does she keep turning down those nice emails you're sending her? Well, (in the spirit of incessant advertising), now you can get help! This article will explain to you what's cool and what isn't, the do's and the don'ts, and all of those nasty little things about high school that just keep a man down. Don't worry. You're in good hands now.

edit The First Day

So you think you're ready for high school, what with your brand-new school supplies and that nice new backpack your mother bought you. You're wearing those new tighty-whities you've been saving just for this day, and you can't wait to meet your first period teacher and get your locker combination. You walk into the school, spick and span, nifty keen in your old Pokemon shirt that you managed to sew a pocket protector into back in 7th grade; your mother was so proud of you that day. Your jeans barely reach your ankles, but that's okay. Your Fruit of the Loom socks are almost capable of covering your undesirables. You're such hot shit, and everyone knows it. Look at those hot girls checking out your new $2 haircut. No, not the lunch lady. Them. Yeah, you do that phony gun-motion with your hand, and they burst into giggles. And look at that football player. Yeah, you know he wants that state-of-the-art calculator you spent all your allowance on; just look at how he keeps staring at it. Just don't let him steal it. Of course, you know that nobody would steal from you, because they know you could beat them up. Oh wait, someone's coming over. She's totally gonna ask you out, you player.

That hot girl
"Hey~," She says.

"Uh! Um! H-h-hi," You say. That's right. Smooth. She doesn't know you have a huge boner right now; play hard to get.

"I like your shirt," she says playfully. Yes! You knew that today was a good day to wear your favorite Pokemon shirt!

"Uh, thank. You. Um, you have nice...cleavage." Good. Girls always love it when you compliment their boobs, right?

(She's laughing. That's good. Even better, some of her friends are coming over. Your boner just got bigger. This is so much better than World of Warcraft!)

edit And...?

The next thing you know, you're desperately running for your life from the girl's boyfriend. You don't know why it happened. After all, she was hitting on you. You're especially confused as to why she told that guy that you were hitting on her. You find your sanctuary in your first-period classroom where you know he can't follow you. Until you find out he has that class, too. Taking his seat right behind you, the rest of your first period is spent with the boyfriend bombarding the back of your head with an army of spitballs. The rest of your day is spent like this, under constant attack from people who like to point out your flaws. You go home, sad and dejected, and go on a 4-hour WoW montage. And then, after another couple of weeks that went like this, you came to us in desperation. And wow, do you need it. I mean, what the fuck did you expect? Did you honestly think that you would be a chick magnet with those oversized glasses, that people would think you were cool with that Pokemon-pocket protector shirt shit that you wore today? You are a nerd, and stop crying. You know it's true. If it weren't, you wouldn't be here, would you? So without any further ado, we will now show you how to survive high school.

edit The Goal

Of this article is to make you as cool as you can possibly be. After all, you wouldn't want to repeat that first day of high school, would you?[1]

edit Things that are Invariably Cool

This is a basic list of things that are invariably cool in high school and why. I suggest you read it, lest I don't get paid.

1. Xbox. Xbox. The coolest, most hardcore gaming system out there. All the cool people know that PS3 is horribly overpriced, although still better than the Wii, which is for little kids, grandmas and fags. Which leads us to our next point:

Cool guy

This guy knows what to wear. Note the skinny jeans and the graphic on his black shirt.

2. Call of Duty. If you buy only one game for the Xbox you will get, make it this. This is the epitome of gaming on the Xbox among high-schoolers.

3. Skateboarding, skateboarding, SKATEBOARDING!! If nothing else, skateboarding makes you cool no matter who you are. If Barack Obama was a skater, his approval rating would be at least 5% higher.[2]

4. Cool clothes. If you're gonna be a skater, you need the look. Skinny jeans are highly recommended, and if you can't find any, you can just have your mom buy some from the girl's clothing section. Shirts with cool graphics on them are cool as well, and flannel shirts are in. Don't forget the sideways cap!

5. Always carry gum. Everyone loves gum, so you can instantly become more popular if people know that you can frequently give it out to them. But remember that if the teacher catches you, it's detention!

edit Okay

Now that you know what's cool, are you ready to try again? That's what I thought. I've given you a total of 1000 cents to spend on your makeover. With this given amount of money, you will buy an XBox 360, Call of Duty:Modern Warfare 2, a skateboard, better clothes, and gum. You better be cool when you come back. Seriously.

edit Footnotes

  1. That's what I thought.
  2. At the very least.
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