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Mother in burka

Thanks to the Snuggie burka, the sun won't damage this Afgan mother's skin.

The burka is a style of dress popular among Muslims. They are designed to protect Muslimas from harmful UV rays emitted by the sun, which Arab skin is curiously much more sensitive to than the typical American female's skin. The burka was first coined around 620 AD by local fashion guru Muhammed whilst seeking a solution for his wives' frequent sunburns. It was later featured in his extremely popular book, Al-Quran, and it became the required dress for women under the religion he later founded. The fashion spread with Muhammed's armies to Mesopotamia, Persia, and Africa, and has lately become popular all over the world among his more religious followers.

edit History


A rare painting of Muhammed at a young age, depicting him as a shining beacon for the fashion industry.

Before Muhammed's invention of the burka, most women would simply throw on a bunch of cloth when they had to go outside, which was inconvenient as the blankets could easily slip out from being stepped on, and it was hard to carry things such as water jugs. Arabian women have extremely fine and sensitive skin, which Muhammed sought to protect from the harsh rays of the sun. Muhammed was a goat herder whose parents died when he was at a young age. He was taken in by his uncle Abu Talib, a local fashion designer who was respected among the Meccans for his simple, yet fashionable clothes that could protect men from the heat of the Arabian desert. Muhammed's uncle taught him everything he knew about fashion and trade, teaching young Muhammed to be a merchant as well as a stylist. When Muhammed was a young man, he was hired by Khadija, the wealthiest woman in Mecca, to manage her business. It was here that Muhammed witnessed firsthand the dangerous lack of innovation in womens' fashion.

edit Inception

I can't believe no one's thought up this shit before.

~ Muhammed on the burka

Muhammed was very good at handling Khadija's business, and the two became very close. Various sources cite Khadija as being "Rebellious," and "Not afraid to strut her stuff." However, this flamboyancy cost Khadija her life when she caught skin cancer and died. Muhammed, stricken by the loss of a loved one, set out to improve fashion for women all over Arabia. He slaved day and night thinking, until one day it hit him. He took a giant blanket, gave it some shape, sewed in sleeves, and proclaimed, "Never again shall the sun claim an innocent victim!"[1] He was very proud of his design, and couldn't wait to show it to everyone.

edit Problems

Despite the obvious innovation in womens' clothing for the desert, the people of Mecca just wouldn't have it. They ridiculed it, and called him very insulting names such as "Poopy" and "Lame-o." Hurt by the blatant disregard for his feelings, he fled to Medina and vowed to return one day with a vengeance.

edit Isolation

After moving to Medina, he bought a ranch to herd goats so as to forget about how the people of Mecca ashamed him. However, his mind wasn't really in it, since he was, in his words, "Born to design[2]." Eventually, he went to a cave and prayed to the moon god, Allah, to help him in his time of difficulty. He spent a long time there, just thinking and praying. Finally, he had a revelation. He realized that religious beliefs can make people wear almost anything, like with the local Jewish Rabbis in Medina. So, he decided to make a religion based around the moon god, Allah, since he credited him for his revelation. Initially, he raised a small army of followers and went to Medina to try and convert the Jewish population to his new religion, which he called "Burkaism" after his design. His followers, Burkaites. He sought to get people to buy his burka by making it the offical religious garb of the Burka religion.

edit More Problems


The local Rabbis were unconnvinced by Mohammed's ideas.

Obviously, this is a cheap attempt to make us wear some ridiculous clothing he designed.
~ Rabbi Ibrahim Yehuda on Mohammed and Burkaism

Despite his army, the Jews were unconvinced that his religion was true. They much preferred their Yahweh to Mohammed's "Fashion God" Allah, and they generally figured out the whole thing was basically an excuse to get people to buy his burka when he started handing out pamphlets for his shop. Soon, Mohammed realized he was failing to convert people, but much worse, his burkas still weren't selling. He knew he had to do something quick, before the Mediniacs ousted him like the Meccans did.

edit The Burka in Islamic Text

edit The Burka Today

edit Footnotes

  1. At least, according to the drunk hobo down the street.
  2. Either that, or, "Those motherfuckers are gonna pay!
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