User:Padimir Padoffski/HowTo:Succeed in American politics
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For some reason, Padimir Padoffski thinks he/she/it has a chance.
Humor them and give them a fair shot. Unless you're Padimir Padoffski, hands off!
Howdy neighbour. Today we're going to be learning how to get elected President of the United States. Yes, its the thing everyone wants to be, head of the greatest country in the world. Fortunately for you, the US constitution allows any old idiot to become President. So patriotic citizen, are you ready? Then lets begin...
edit Why become President?
There is more than one answer to this question. If you are ever asked this in an interview or at a press conference, always say: 'To serve my country and protect its people's freedom'. Here are some more realistic answers that may tempt you into running.
- You can get stinking rich.
- You get to see all the cool government secrets, like what happens in Area 51 (its really for testing games consols but thats not important right now).
- The bitches will flock to you.
- You can have the Secret Service murder people who annoy you (they're not always successful though. Al Gore has survived 7 assassination attempts).
- The President gets a sweet car.
- The US constitution says that 'The man who holds the office of President may legally expose himself in public'.
edit Steps you must follow
- Join the Republican Party. IT IS YOUR BEST OPTION.
- Find a financial backer. Don't worry about future debts, corruption is so simple even the average US citizen could carry it out.
- Make sure you are a member of a conservative Christian faith. I cannot stress this point enough.
- Label yourself 'a compassionate conservative'. We don't want them voting Democrat now, do we?
- Choose a minority group to vent your hatred at. Classic examples include: Blacks, Native Americans, Communists, Mexicans, homosexuals, etc. Nowadays the favourites are: Muslims, Russians and Chinese people.
- Make your chosen minority group seem dangerous and insane. The crazier the better. Scared people will vote for you.
- Win the billionaire and millionaire vote by promising to lower taxes for the stupidly rich.
- Win the redneck vote by promising to impose tougher immigration laws and legalise lynching.
- Accuse the Democrats of being socialists. That oughta' teach them.
- For God sake DO NOT MENTION VIETNAM.
- Declare abortion to be evil.
edit Things which may help but aren't neccessary
- Join the NRA
- Get a catchphrase. For example: 'I am not a crook' (you may be needing that one); 'Yes we can!' (make sure they know you are talking about conservatism and not change); 'America, FUCK YEAH!' (cos the USA always kicks ass!).
- Launch a negative advertising campaign. Make the Democrats look like the dirty commies they really are.
edit What to do when you are elected
Congratulations, you are now President of the United States of America. That wasn't too hard was it? Now comes the real work though: keeping the easily angered American public on your side. Make decisions that will make you popular with everyone. Give better health care to poor people but turn a blind eye when banks screw up the economy. Now thats a win win situation.
edit The highlight of your Presidency
At some point in your Presidency you are going to have to start a war. Why? Because there is nothing like imposing US force on a weaker nation to win public support. Pick the enemy wisely: either a country which everyone is at war with already, or a tiny poor shit-hole which no-one will care about. If the shit hits the fan and you are losing then drag the war on for as long as possible until your time as President is up. Then it's not your problem. Always remember though, bombs win wars. It's the American way!
edit Possible consequences of being a popular President
- You may get shot.
Q:What about bank regulation and economic recovery?
A:What are you? A Communist?
Q:What about Afghanistan?
Q:There is a shady looking Asian man who lives down my street. What should I do about it?
Q:What can I do about those idiots in Congress?
A:If they don't agree with you, tell everyone they are a terrorist sympathiser
Q:I called a senator a terrorist synthesiser, now what?
A:Ah yes, we call this the 'W. Bush' method.
Q:What it the best media outlet?
Q:I've got a bit of a problem...
A:Just order more bombs