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Short history of Brainwashing
The practice was started accidentally by Ernest Memingway while in another of his drunk stupors. While writing his book, For Whom the Tollbooth Bells, Memingway's maid served him dinner, but had accidentally put too much pepper in the mix. Memingway began sneezing. Then, suddenly, he sneezed so hard that his brain flew out of his nose and landed in the jar of piss on Memingway's desk.
Memingway began admiring how the jar of piss cleaned the brain so effectively, washing away dirt and grime and beer stains. Within a week, the brain had been completely cleaned, so Memingway fished out the brain and placed it back in his head. Immediately he picked up a bottle of booze and a blunt and started dirtying the brain again.
Memingway soon made it a habit to take out his brain and wash it in the jar of piss, claiming the lack of it helped him write better. He continued this until the end of his life, when he decided that it was too much trouble to pry his head open to get his brain out, and should instead attempt to get it out faster using a pistol. Needless to say, he succeeded.
Several friends of Memingway heard of his strange ritual of removing his brain for cleaning, and started doing it themselves. With cleaner brains, they experienced cleaner thoughts, cleaner health, cleaner houses, and shorter rides to the cleaners. The only drawback was the occasional embarrassment of showing up at a party and forgetting to bring your brain with you. Often the Guest of Honor would do this and end up leaving the party missing a shoe and holding a hunk of gorgonzola.
The first celebrity suspected of brainwashing was Gary Gygax. Many suspect his brain was definitely somewhere else when he invented D&D. Many other celebrities, politicians and wikipedians are suspected of having their brains wallowing in a jar of piss somewhere.
Brainwashing itself has not evolved much since its original days. However, it has been economized. Mad Scientists often have been seen to have several brains in their laboratories, probably so that spares can clean while the main brain is being used.
How to Brainwash
It is very easy to brainwash yourself or other people. Simply find a jar (depending on the size of the brain, a large or small jar may be required) and fill it with urine (yours or someone else's, but never mix urine because that is so insanitary). Place the brain inside and wait one week.
While your brain is being washed, find something that requires no brain activity to do, such as:
- Making cookies
- Visiting grandma
- Kitten huffing
- Making more cookies
- Subjugating indigenous peoples
- Writing an autobiography
- Watching/writing/starring in a reality show
- Editing Wikipedia
- Playing Internet: The Game
Also, a brain timer is recommended, since you might forget that your brain isn't in your head. Many use this theory to explain political activism.
Brainwashing soon evolved into other, less effective practices such as Washing your mind out with soap, Brain Mud-bathing, and Brain-manicures. Brainwashing techniques also include different liquids other than the original piss jar. These variants include dishwashing soap, Coca-cola, and Cheese fondue. Many have noted that these are not very effective, but the cheese fondue-covered brain makes a great conversation piece, especially if you use it to play a friendly game of volleyball out on the veranda.
In August 2003, Saddam Hussein was caught illegally washing the brains of people who didn't need their brains washed. I mean, if your brain is already clean, you don't need to wash it again. Right?
Adverse effects of brainwashing
Side effects include tiredness, sweating, tremors, deja vu, twitches, lack of coordination, deja vu, itching, restlessness, rash, indigestion, headaches, sensitivity to light, sensitivity to sound, sensitivity to sensitivity, muscle spasms, tumor, acid reflux, hunger, and death. Contact your doctor if you experience any of these symptoms except death. If you experience death, you won't care anyway.
While under brainwash treatment, do not drive or operate machinery. Brainwashing is not for everyone. You should not brainwash if you are nursing or pregnant, or if you have had certain medical conditions such as cancer, hemophilia, heart disease, fleas or allergy towards death.
Ask your doctor if Brainwashing is right for you!
Adverse effects of NOT brainwashing
People who do not wash their brains on a regular basis may experience a dirty mind. They will begin to see Hentai and phallic symbols everywhere and cry out random words. Their IQ will drop to below 0 and they will masturbate constantly. These people often visit 4Chan regularly.
- ↑ Why Memingway had a jar of piss on his desk in still unknown.
- ↑ Proof that Gary Gygax's brain is in a piss jar. - Seriously.
- ↑ Make sure to get an adult's help.
- ↑ Right! You're smart!