User:Orion Blastar/book2

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search

How I Fought The Illuminati

There was a secret meeting in Rotterdam of a shadowy cabal. They had activities going on in South America, Asia, and the Middle-East. They plotted out a lot of terrorist attacks to manipulate governments into doing their bidding. They lied and cheated their people out of money and funded terrorist and nuclear programs with it instead.

Five figures are gathered at a big meeting table in an abandoned warehouse in Rotterdam, Holland.

Unknown to them, another shadowy figure has take out their guards and hacked into their security system to bypass it and is recording their conversation.


edit Chapter 1, The Abandoned Warehouse in Rotterdam

Seated at the table are: Kim Jong il, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Osama bin Laden, Hugo Chavez and Fidel Castro.

Kim Jong il "This meeting of the Illuminati will come to order. What are the new businesses?"

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad "As you know, your nuclear weapons program in North Korea as well as mine in Iran are under heavy UN sanctions."

Hugo Chavez "Hah, once I establish control of the UN, you won't have to worry about that. I pretty much took control of the South American nations."

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad "As have I with the Middle-Eastern nations, save Israel."

Fidel Castro "As have I with Mexico and Canada."

Kim Jong il "As have I with Vietnam, Cambodia, Laos, and Malaysia. Soon we shall have enough votes to control the UN. Any other business?"

Osama bin Laden "My network is having a hard time in Iraq and Afghanistan, we have an endless supply of recruits, but are running low on funding again. Plus I need bribe money to keep Pakistani troops from finding me in Northern Pakistan."

Kim Jong il "Your PR skills are without peer, Osama. I love the way you manipulated Muslims into believing that murder is the same as martyrdom. I have here 10 billion Euros in bearer bonds from the Swiss Bank in this briefcase. My people had to starve a lot, and the money I would have used to buy rice for the past ten years went into funding terrorist networks anyway."

Osama bin Laden "Thank you my friend. Your PR skills are good as well, you made your people believe that they live in paradise and that the rest of the world is even worse than North Korea by isolating them from reality."

Kim Jong il "Indeed, anyone who makes contact with the outside world, I arrest and put to death."

Fidel Castro "Let us not forget Hugo Chavez, he called George W. Bush The Devil and got away with it, plus he has Cindy Sheehan working for us to discredit the US Government. Nobody will ever suspect that we bribed soldiers to murder her son in Iraq, so that she would protest and then work for us. I taught her how to attack the morale of the US soldiers, which makes them easier to kill for your people Osama!"

Osama bin Laden "Indeed, Cindy Sheehan has been a useful tool on the war with the USA. She is the Jane Fonda of modern times!"

Hugo Chavez "Fidel Castro is good at PR too, he just recently faked out the USA into believing that he died, and then he appeared again. He also turned Mexico and Canada against the USA."

Fidel Castro "Please I am but a humble man, when I took control of Cuba I manipulated the middle-class into thinking I'd use my revolution to form a Democracy that they would control. Oops, guess I lied and formed Communism, instead?"

edit Chapter 2, The Evil Atheist Conspiracy

Kim Jong il "The main thing we can agree on is that there is no God, Allah, Jesus, and we can use religion to manipulate people."

Osama bin Laden "Who believes in God? I do not even follow Allah's teachings of peace and tolerance."

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad "Nor do I, and I'll always be in conflict and war with Israel and the west!"

Hugo Chavez "Nor do I believe in Jesus, I just use Christianity to manipulate the rest of South American who happen to be Christians."

Fidel Castro "I never believed in God, I have always been an atheist because I am smart!"

Kim Jong il "Nor do I believe in God. Why if God exists, he'd send someone after us and teach us a lesson!"

Fidel Castro "Yeah like a pirate or something!"

Hugo Chavez "No a ninja!"

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad "No wait, a Pirate Ninja!"

Osama bin Laden "Not just any Pirate Ninja, a Pirate Ninja from the future!"

Kim Jong il "Ha ha! Yes, a Pirate Ninja from 4096 AD who happens to be a Christian as well!"

edit Chapter 3, Enter the Pirate Ninja

A shadowy figure then drops from the ceiling, clothed in a black ninja outfit with pirate symbols on it, and a Bo Staff.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad "What are you?"

Orion Blastar "I'm Orion Blastar! Pirate Ninja Christian from 4096AD who traveled back in time to kick your asses!"

Orion Blastar then takes out his Bo Staff and hits Mahmoud Ahmadinejad across the face with it, and knocks out Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

Kim Jong il "I thought he was just a myth, a legend to scare little communist children! At least that is what my father told me!"

Orion Blastar "I'm your worst nightmare!"

Orion Blastar trips Kim Jong il with the Bo Staff, hits him in the stomach, and then stomps on his hand crushing it.

Kim Jong il "You broke my hand!"

Orion Blastar "Get over it!"

Orion Blastar roundhouse kicks Kim Jong il in the head and knocks him out.

Osama bin Laden "You won't get me that easily Orion Blastar, I watched Bruce Lee movies! I am Saudi Royalty and they paid for my Kung Fu lessons!"

Orion Blastar "Your Kung Fu is no match for my Ninjitsu! Besides Bruce Lee taught Jeet Kown Do, but not that I'd expect you to know that!"

Osama bin Laden runs at Orion Blastar and grabs a nearby spear to fight Orion's Bo Staff. He swings at Orion, but Orion ducks and grabs the spear, and twists it around in a circle, flipping Osama bin Laden over and on his back.

Orion Blastar "That trick is from Aikido! Nighty night!"

Orion Blastar dragon kicks Osama bin Laden in the head as Osama bin Laden is trying to get up. Knocking him out.

Hugo Chavez and Fidel Castro surround Orion Blastar, and both of them draw pistols.

Hugo Chavez "I'll bet you cannot dodge a bullet!"

Fidel Castro "Yes, fired from both of us!"

Orion Blastar drops his Bo Staff, puts his hands up into the air. Two auto pistols shoot out of his sleeves and he grabs them with both hands, and then shoots both Hugo Chavez and Fidel Castro in the chests, causing them to drop their pistols.

Orion Blastar "That was Gun Kata, I picked that one up from the future! You don't know it yet, but it combines Martial Arts, Statistics, Ballistics, and Form all into one."

Then Orion runs over and kicks Hugo Chavez in the head, and then bounces off and kicks Fidel Castro in the head knocking them both out.

Orion takes some industrial engineering tac ties to tie the hands of the Illuminati leaders together. Fifteen minutes later Chuck Norris shows up.

edit Chapter 4 Enter Chuck Norris, fashionably late as usual

Chuck Norris "Sorry I'm late. I did another Home Gym infomercial. What did I miss?"

Orion Blastar "Only all of the action."

Chuck "Orion, you get all of the fun. One day I hope to grow up to be just as tough as you are."

Orion Blastar "Well all of this fighting got the attention of the thought police, they'll be here any minute to free their leaders. If you had been earlier, maybe I wouldn't have to shoot off guns, that would have gotten their attention."

Chuck Norris "Sorry Orion, I will try to be on time next time. Let's get out of here before the tanks arrive!"

Orion Blastar "I'm getting too old for this sort of thing. But at least the Illuminati won't be using this 10 billion Euros in Swiss Bank bearer bonds. I am part Pirate after all!"

Churck Norris "What will you do with the money Orion? Maybe invest it in my company?"

Orion Blastar "Nah, I am donating it to the widows and orphans made that way by the Illuminati."

A Black helicopter with ninja and pirate logos shoots a hole in the roof of the warehouse and Chuck Norris and Orion Blastar climb the ladder into the helicopter.

Orion Blastar "Today, we stopped the Illuminati for a bit. But they will still be around. I'll transcript their conversation and post it to the Internet as evidence of their activities."

Personal tools
projects