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|Warning: this article may contain humor, sarcasm, parody, and perhaps even irony. Read at your own risk. I suggest you run like hell or play some Civilization IV before it pwns you too.|
“A Space Pirate Ninja from 4096AD? I wish I'd thought of that.”
“Why do I keep getting mistaken for this guy?”
“Orion is more Batshit insane than I am.”
“Orion is more depressed than me, and should just cheer up.”
“In truth, even I am scared of Orion Blastar.”
“Orion Blastar is the real reason why St. Louis Missouri, USA is the most dangerous city in the USA.”
“When I made Orion Blastar I broke the mold. I had to, because if I didn't the universe couldn't handle more than one Orion Blastar.”
“Orion Blastar actually exists? There goes my whole works and theories!”
“Orion Blastar, I had a good scientific scam going on until Orion Blastar was born and ruined it.”
“Orion Blastar writes programs even better than I do.”
“Orion Blastar helped me with my theory of relativity, because I am poor at math.”
“Orion Blastar personally sent me back to Hell fifty four times.”
“We got motherf*ckin' Orion Blastar on the g*dd*mmed Uncyclopedia!”
“If you meet Orion Blastar on the road, kill him.”
“If Orion is the work of a higher power, he must have one hell of a sense of humor!”
“I'll never give up my guns, but you can have my bullets as I empty them into your bodies with my guns.”
“This man is one of my long lost relatives from the future.”
“I am trying to see things from your point of view, but I can't get my head that far up my ass.”
edit Short Description
edit Like a bad Sci-Fi story
He is descended from Irish Pirates, or the Pirish, who married Japanese Ninjas who lived in Thailand, and then in 2300 became part of a space colony to the Deneb sector and lived on Regina in the Vilani Imperium. In the year 4000 they moved back to Earth known as Terra in the Solimani system that was taken over by the Vilani Imperium. Orion Blastar was born in 4061 in what is left of the USA, he spent most of his life as a Space Pirate to make ends meet. In 4096 he borrowed a Corsair with an experimental time drive and went back to 1995. He burned up the ship in re-entry as the drives failed, and used an escape pod to land. He laid low, and tried to warn people of stuff to happen, but they ignored him or thought he was crazy. He worked as a computer programmer but got sick and went on disability. He claims to be here to help change the future to a brighter one, but nobody believes anything he tells them. He is a holy man; he is protected by Unix Daemons.
edit The Public's Opinion
|You have been cited in Uncyclopedian Bios.|
Apparently you are "notable".
Don't ask me why; I think you're lame.
edit The work history of Orion
Orion's Resume contains a brief work history. Orion's Classmates profile has more detailed history about him. Orion worked at Dewey Cheatham and Howe from 1997 to 2001, a law firm. Orion was fired after suffering from a terminal illness, and writing Visual BASIC code better than any other developer in the IT Department. He later worked on a Hell Desk at Provergys in 2002 supporting a Baby Bell DSL service being paid $9USD an hour. Orion predicted that Provergys would soon lose the contract, and he quit to find work elsewhere. Orion was hired at Reserved Judgment at the end of 2002, a surgical tool and surgical tray small business helping them get to the next level in their custom software. Orion converted the database from MS Access to MS SQL Server, streamlined the Visual BASIC code to run faster and have fewer bugs and gave the owner many ideas on future designs and considerations. A few months later, Orion was fired after his coworkers conspired against him, stole his ideas, and made up rumors about him. Orion's terminal illness got worse, and in 2003 he went on disability, unable to work. Orion was insane at this point, or so they say. His career ruined by past employers and coworkers, and suffering from a terminal illness Orion did the only thing he could, and went back to college to learn how to be a business manager. It was found out later that Orion suffers from schizo affective disorder, depression, major mood disorder, and other mental illnesses and is one of the lost Burger Kings. He set up charities to donate to in order to help people like him in his area. Most of the people who conspired against him are Liberal Democrats, which forced Orion to become a Republican Moderate, and then later join the Pirate Ninja Party of America. Conspiracy theorists still research exactly what had happened to him during his career on Earth before he got too sick to work. But despite all of that Orion is fighting his physical and mental illnesses as his brain and body chemistry ceased to resemble anything Human in nature anymore and he started to develop psionic powers and then started to see and hear things no human being ever could.
edit The death and rebirth of Orion
In November 2004, Orion had faked his death, to throw some of his enemies off his trail for a few days. Orion returned from the dead three days later, possibly because of the smell. The truth was that Orion killed himself, went to Hell and had a fiddle contest with The Devil. The Devil stated that if Orion beat him with a fiddle, that Orion could go back to life on Earth, and if he didn't beat him with the fiddle Orion had to stay in Hell. The Devil went first and played a golden fiddle, and did a heavy metal song with it. Then handed the fiddle to Orion and said "If you beat me with this fiddle, I'll let you live." So Orion grabbed the golden fiddle and said "Hey a fiddle made out of gold is heavy. So if I beat you with this fiddle, I'm free right?" The Devil smiled and said "Yes I have the lawyers drawn up the contract if you beat me with that fiddle, you win." so Orion grabbed the fiddle and beat The Devil over the head with it mercilessly. Finally The Devil gave up and said "You win! Stop beating me with the fiddle. I really have to rephrase these contracts differently." and sent Orion back to Earth all healed up and alive again.
edit Orion, a fugitive of fate
Orion is constantly hunted, stalked, and harassed by IWETHEY, The Daily Kos, Kuro5hin, Slashdot, Husi, and other Liberal Terrorists  because Orion knowns the truth about them and what future may come. To end this sort of thing, Orion formed The Psycho Friends Network, so that he can get away from his enemies for a while. They still continue to stalk Orion to Uncyclopedia and like to edit his articles, and page blank and vandalize them, in an attempt to make his articles less funny because they are confused that Uncyclopedia is not Wikipedia, IWETHEY, Kuro5hin, Husi, or Slashdot and they refuse to play by the rules here, and actually try to be serious or at least Yahoo Serious. Orion is also stalked by Psycho Ex-Girlfriends on the Internet and has many imitators and wannabes who try to be like Orion Blastar, but fail at it because they are not as awesome or born a mutant pirate ninja like Orion was. His stalkers still continue to vandalize his user page here as well as his articles. Recently Orion was accused of being Glenn Beck by Kuro5hin and Encyclopedia Dramatica, because they happened to notice that his political views were the same as Glenn Beck, that he had colon surgery at the same time as Glenn Beck, that like Glenn Beck he was suicidal as well and also seems to be of the same generation as Glenn Beck. But do not be fooled, Orion Blastar is not Glenn Beck, but perhaps Glenn Beck is Orion Blastar after traveling back in time from an alternate version of history and instead of joining Uncyclopedia, he joined CNN instead. But trust us, Orion Blastar is a better dresser, tells better jokes, and happens to be a lot smarter than Glenn Beck.
edit Orion's imaginary battles
edit Orion's imaginary awards
In 1995 Orion was crowned King of the Internet because nobody else wanted the job. His first order was to place a 1% tax on all Porn sales of the Internet. So far, Orion has not collected one cent, but it is rumored that people of the Internet owe him trillions of USA dollars. The only part of the Internet he does not control, is the Usenet owned by King Fluffy since 1989. Some pretender to the crown, named Bob, claims to be King of the Internet, but nobody takes him seriously at that.
edit Orion's real awards
Awards given to Orion Blastar by others that are real.
edit Orion's claim to fame
Orion is really famous but people refuse to acknowledge that fact. His Uncyclopedia pages are mostly First Drafts and he would make them Second Drafts but the massive deletions and challenges to his articles, has stifled his creativity and sucked out his will to live, so he only corrects typos, spelling errors, and broken links mostly. Despite Orion Blastar not even being notable enough for Wikipedia Linuxworld values what he says about old technologies and used him as a source in that story.
edit Orion's web sites
Orion's web page is at http://www.geocities.com/orion_blastar/ and his contact info is at http://www.geocities.com/orion_blastar/contact/ on the Internet. You can also find more from him at Orion Blastar's Blog and The Psycho Friends Network, but be warned that Orion Blastar is a Science Fiction writer and an Internet Vigilante Troll who is also a pirate and ninja. Orion is now an open sourced being. Orion hunts down trolls, Neo-Nazis and other criminals on the Internet because he is cool like that.
Orion Blastar has become so popular (in a negative way) on some web sites (in a positive way) here and other places and is now writing free eBooks under FOSS licenses. Orion was brave enough to publish Alternative Science Fiction stories by Orion Blastar 1.0 at Demonoid because Legaltorrents turned into Clearbits and wants money to publish FOSS materials. Look for more free eBooks from Orion Blastar as eBook readers get more popular and less expensive. Look for more later.
Inspired by John Lithgow Orion decided that He's got to have pep! and eats healthier now and lifts weights and exercises. He is getting into better shape and takes time off the Internet to spend more time with his family and friends and work on eBooks.
Orion made this 'You got to have pep' Group at Current to promote this concept and hopes it helps others.
In addition to You reality check bounced Orion got invited to other blogs and help them out Another fine mess you got us into Software Problem and Poor Richard's Blog aka Ben Franklin Lives both the Republicans and Democrats messed things up so much poor Ben Franklin could not rest in piece and came back to life and wrote a blog but needs Orion's help for modernizing his writing and thinking. There is one more Mindpixel 2.0: The Return one of Orion's friends who died and tried to make an Artificial Intelligence program to pass the Turning Test, but that one is on the back burner for now until Orion collects more samples of the original Mindpixel and what is left of his writings and source code on the Internet or just start over from scratch.
edit Orion's Works
Some pages Orion had a hand in writing: (Warning, some pages may be deleted without any reason. If you are an admin, this list should not be confused for a QVFD list. If you don't find them funny, please tell me why on my talk page and make suggestions on how I can change them to be funnier or funny. Please give me a chance. I write funny articles for Little Johnny, a 6 year-old boy who is in an iron lung and his father prints out my Uncycliopedia articles and reads them to him, because they are the only things in the world that can make him laugh and feel good about himself. If you won't give my articles another chance, at least do it for Little Johnny so his father can find and print my articles for his well being. The laughter is what keeps Little Johnny alive, so many of my articles are written for a 6 year-old to find funny, but maybe some adults don't find them funny. I must keep on writing, Little Johnny is counting on me. I won't let you down, Little Johnny, hang on and get better soon.)
Orion is also working on a series of Books using Gonzo Fiction aka Gonzo Journalism a form of writing made famous by Hunter S. Thompson. Orion's incomplete and unpublished masterpieces are works in progress that are so funny most people aren't intelligent enough to get them. So Orion is trying to dumb them down to be more easily understood.
edit Fans of Orion Blastar and his works
Orion no longer is on Kuro5hin.
edit Complaints Department
Orion regrets that you didn't find his article or comments funny, or maybe you don't like his opinions or politics or religion. Courtesy of the Psych Friends Network, we present this coupon for you to use.
Please print out the above coupon, good for one free punch in the face.
True facts and other reliable factual sources on the Internet:
- ↑ http://www.kuro5hin.org/story/2008/2/20/131929/635
- ↑ http://www.kuro5hin.org/comments/2007/9/10/13920/3664/6#6
edit See Also