User:Orion Blastar/Windows 8

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search

Windows 8 has been deemed so crappy in quality that the article for it has been deleted 13 times and then a rewrite issued in this user space.

edit Windows Great, no more

Originally called Windows Great, Microsoft decided to copy all the tablet ideas of Apple's iPad into a new Windows operating system. Unfortunately Steve Ballmer is in charge of Microsoft now, and Bill Gates went crazy and resigned retired and started to give away his money like a good Agnostic should.

Ballmer being the Satanist that he is, designed to redesign the OS into Windows 8 so that it is harder to use and thus would require more certification programs and Microsoft Press books to be bought so Microsoft could earn more money. The programming was outsourced to developers developers developers in India for pennies on the dollar so Microsoft could earn record profits.

edit What Happened

Tz monsterplane

The Beta Testers' reaction to the Windows 8 Beta Test

Ballmer decided that the Start Menu and Aero will go away. Replaced with a new Interface Microsoft bought from AOL/Time Warner based on AOL for MS-DOS 1991 for $1 billion dollars called Metro. Along with that a new Dotnet Framework called Dotnet 4.5 was developed more buggy than before, that breaks compatibility with Dotnet 1.0 and 2.0 and forces everyone to buy new applications designed for Metro in the Microsoft App Store Windows Store and locking the OS so that only Internet Explorer works in Metro and no other web browser.

Win8

Windows 8 GUI using the 1991 AOL for MS-DOS Interface in 2D! Revolutionary!

Basically Microsoft killed off a lot of legacy API calls, but kept the Desktop. It lacks a Start Menu, but you can access the Metro interface from it by holding down the Windows Key and the C Key so that it is a lot harder to get to Metro than it was to get to the Start Menu. In fact there will be a lot of key combos in Windows 8, unless you use a touch screen then there will be finger dances you have to do to access things.

Sure the Metro (Lawsuit Pending) Windows 8 GUI interface has colors that clash, it looks like Steve Ballmer threw up, but you know that you will have no choice but to use it as new PCs will have it preinstalled along with laptops and smart phones. After Microsoft ends support for Windows XP and Vista and eventually Windows 7 and then makes apps only for Metro you will have no choice, no choice at all. Muahahahahah!

In order to log on you need a Hotmail Microsoft Passport Windows Live account and it has to be verified with your password at the Microsoft server in order to log in. Without Internet access, or Internet access that blocks Microsoft's servers you cannot even log into the OS! Even worse your Internet history is tied to your account at Microsoft! But then who needs privacy when you got the latest and greatest Windows operating system made in a Post-Gates Microsoft by none other than Steve Ballmer himself!

Os2desktop

Windows 8 Desktop, again more Microsoft innovation! Notice the lack of the Start Menu and other things. Rolling back the Windows GUI to the WINOS2 days!

Basically the whole goal here is that simpler is better. No more 3D effects, no more matching colors, no more Aero, no more Start Menu, no more legacy app support, no more common sense, no more easy to use interface GUI, just the way AOL has developed their UI for MS-DOS back in 1991 the way Satan had intended it.

The Desktop is still there but without Aqua Areo, without the Start Menu and Circle and other icons. Just a Desktop from the WINOS2 days before all the confusion that made it easier to use and stole ideas from the Macintosh, Amiga, Atari ST, OS/2, ViSion, GEM, Project Xanadu, Xerox Star and Altos systems, as well as anything else. Steve Ballmer predicts that this new simplified desktop interface will make Windows 8 the easiest to use Windows yet.

Meanwhile the video game developing companies like Valve Software run by Gabe Newell talk about porting their games to Linux because of how bad Windows 8 really is, but Steve Ballmer claims that legacy support for the old Windows video games are gone, people will buy all new games from the Windows Store and make stores like Steam obsolete.

"Legacy Software, who needs that?" Is Microsoft's new motto. "Starting over from scratch!" is another. Windows 8 is the start of something new, even if it does use technology from the 1990's but needs modern hardware like a dual core CPU, 2Gig of RAM, and a 500 Gig hard drive to work. "This is the best Windows yet!" claims Steve Ballmer "Way better than Windows/386 or even Windows 1.0!" and "I'd like to see Apple make an operating system this simple and featureless, it is sure to outsell every other one and break new records." Microsoft is making a tablet called the Surface with Windows 8 on it to compete with the iPad at twice the price! "People know they are getting quality when they buy a Microsoft Surface Tablet!" Steve Ballmer claims.

edit Windows RT

Even better Microsoft released Windows RT with the same Metro interface for ARM chips, because Apple uses ARM chips in their iOS devices. The Windows RT OS has Office 2013 built in, but cannot run Intel X86 or X64 software. The RT stands for Risc Technology and yes Microsoft has done this before. If you recall the original Windows NT had ports for the MIPS, Alpha, and other processor and was dropped after Windows NT 4.0. It will confuse people that Windows RT looks like Windows 8, and won't run legacy code or Intel X86/X64 code, but it will run HTML5 and Javascript applications designed with Visual Studio 11 no Visual Studio 2012 I think, but the Express version won't make desktop apps, but wait yes it will now. No safe bets that it will after it gets finalized and RTM.

Windows RT is there to confuse the end user and force them to buy a Windows 8 device. They will think it is Windows 8 because it looks like Windows 8 using Metro, but none of the Windows 8 apps work on Windows RT. Not only that but the Windows 8 Smart Phones won't run Intel X86 and X64 apps either and use the ARM processor as well.

Think about it the end user that it confuses will be forced to buy all new ARM versions of their applications after finding out the Intel versions just won't work. The HTML5 and Javascript apps will work on all platforms but be slow and buggy unlike native code. But look at it this way Windows RT users will get a free ARM version of Office 2013 unlike the Windows 8 users that have to pay for it. The confusion is just another part of Microsoft's business plan.

edit Windows 8 Beta Fish

Deadbetta8

The Microsoft Windows 8 Beta Fish

The Mascot for Windows 8 is a Beta Fish, just like Linux has a Penguin, Mac OS X has a Duck-Devil, and OS/2 has a dead horse that is always beaten to death. The state of the Beta Fish depends on how healthy the Windows 8/RT OS is and if it can actually work without blue screening to death.

Microsoft picked the Beta Fish because if two Windows 8 computers are on the same network they tend to fight each other and knock the other off the network. File and Print sharing is therefore disabled and Windows 2012 Server won't use Sharepoint 2010 anymore until new versions are made that will work with Windows 8 without them fighting for network resources. Therefore there will be countless network packet collisions until the Windows 2012 Server technologies can be perfected to keep them separated.

But don't worry you will have access to Office 365 on the Microsoft web site, and can share documents on Skydrive there until your Windows 2012 Server issues are solved. In fact a lot of the complicated protocols that previous Windows had are not available in Windows 8 like connecting to NFS servers, or a Macintosh, or anything else. In fact even your online games won't work until the issue is resolved. But you can still play those 2D games in Metro, they will work fine. Just don't run two or more of them at once, it would be bad.

edit Inbuilt Games and Voice Assistant

Actually none of the original inbuilt games from the older versions of Windows works with Windows 8 anymore. Microsoft made a licensing deal with the creator of LosethOS to include some of his games because Windows 8 no longer supports 3D games due to the removal of DirectX and Direct3D and has to access the processor directly and not the graphics processor.

With classy games like After Egypt, Ballmer decided to copy a feature from it to compete with the iPhone 4S Siri voice program. In Windows 8/RT you can actually talk to God, named Balli after Ballmer. Well God if he was autistic with schizophrenia speaking in random word salads like the spammers use. For example:

"Balli where is the nearest hospital?" -User

"Ape ace lemon Wurlitzer Keewatin certain doom peace silver axiom Batman." -Balli

"Balli what is the atomic weight of carbon?" -User

"Please exist Thursday after elephant poodoo!" -Balli

edit Monopoly?

Batmanaww

Batman after Robin upgrades the Batcave Computer to Windows 8

Well Microsoft had tried to get into the tablet market in 2002 with Windows XP but failed. After seeing how Apple made the iPad, Microsoft decided to make the Windows 8 tablet and UI. The reason why Microsoft did not copy Apple is that Apple was suing Samsung, HTC, Google, and others over the Android devices ripping off the iPhone and iPad, so Microsoft decided to make a crappy UI by licensing the 1991 AOL UI from AOL/Time Warner.

Microsoft was accused of having a Monopoly in the past, and suing competitors over patents. Apple is now doing that, so Microsoft is free to mess up their own UI and maybe post a loss instead of a profit. But once Windows 8 becomes the defacto standard that IT departments get behind that Desktop PCs, Smart Phones, Tablets, and the Zune Windows 8 Media Player Devices use plus the new Xbox 360 UI and the new UI behind the Microsoft.com web site, well it will have become a standard that everyone uses. Then it will have become a Monopoly.

Since Windows 8 does not use any sort of design or plan, it will never gain self awareness and join Skynet to take over the world. It is the world's first dumb operating system, and also lacks a protected mode, and it doesn't run very fast, but it is the Windows OS for the Post-PC area. It is like ten steps backward from Windows 7, and worse than Windows ME and Windows Vista combined.


Personal tools
projects