User:Orion Blastar/Liberal Agenda

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Nuvola apps important Article written in the style of its subject
This article is written in the real or imagined writing style of its subject. If you do not find it funny, it is probably because you are the type who needed this explained to you. If you still do not find the article funny, that is surely because a joke loses its humor when it is explained. The authors sincerely hope that you will pick up your game and laugh without prompting in the future.

This is the Liberal Agenda that the Democratic Party of America follows, so please keep it a secret. Since Conservatives don't read Uncyclopedia as it is Viciously Liberal this article is safe and should only be viewed by true Liberals. This article was written for American liberals and liberals from other parts of the world, may not understand it. But they are invited to read this article and add these things to their own agenda. If you are not a liberal, we invite you to convert by reading and following our howto guide, thanks.

So we American Liberals have a twelve step program for ruining the United States so we can bring about a new revolution and replace it with Communism instead.

edit #1 Liberal Progress

In most countries of the world, progress has been associated with Communism or Nazism as Joseph Stalin and Adolph Hitler talked about supporting progress and bringing about hope and change. Liberal Progress is actually a good thing. The only people who should be worried about Liberal Progress are Conservatives. But the best way to bring about progress and instill hope and change is by tearing down the old system and laws and order, throwing the nation into chaos and ruin the economy, in order to bring about the revolution. Liberal professors, therefore, should teach students about questioning authority and questioning the law, but of course not questioning liberal authorities and only say the law is unjust when a liberal breaks it not when a conservative breaks it. So if Liberal Democrat Governor of New York Eliot Spitzer gets caught in a prostitution ring say that the law is unjust and prostitution should be legalized. But if Conservative Republican Governor of Florida Charlie Crist gets caught in a prostitution ring call for him to be impeached and cite the law. Not that Charlie Crist would do such a thing, but you know how Liberal blogs are, if a liberal gets caught, we have to make a conservative look bad in comparison. Remember to hold people to our liberal double standard, and always hold non-liberals to their word and always call them out when they break the law or you think they broke the law. By this way we can make progress for all liberals. Some people call this Liberal Fascism, but Fascism is only done by the right-wing and not the left-wing, when we do it, we call it progress. In fact hypocrisy is a big part of the liberal agenda. Do what we say, not as we do.

edit #2 Life is unfair

We know life is unfair, but after our liberal revolution we will legalize everything. Until then just complain and whine and bitch all you want until you get your way. Conservatives say to pull yourself up by your bootstraps and work hard and earn an education like they did. But do you really want to be like them? I mean come on, they are assholes! The squeaky wheel gets the grease. Throw a protest if you want, or write about it in your blog until someone does something about it. Why should you bother doing something to make your life easier, when you can manipulate others into making your life easier for you? Internet access is cheap, making protest songs is cheap, complaining about something is cheap. If you complain just enough, you have a future as a liberal politician, because that is what we look for in a candidate for public office. Phil Graham accuses the USA of being a nation of whiners in a mental recession, but we don't need him to tell us that as we are in a real economic recession and we have strong opinions on that and how unfair it is. Phil Graham will be the first against the wall when the revolution comes and then we'll see how much of a whiner he is, and what mental recession he is in.

edit #3 Free stuff

Social programs are just the beginning of our socialist programs. Can't live within your means and have too much credit card debt and bought more house than you can afford? We'll bail you out by printing up more money to give to banks to forgive a part of your debt. In fact since the government controls the printing presses for money, we'll keep printing up money to pay for everything for you. Billions, trillions, zillions, all we owe to China in national debt we do for you. You'll use the extra money we gave you to buy more stuff and pump up the economy. Not like printing money is bad for the economy when the economy is bad because of what conservatives did to it. Remember that printing up a lot of extra money is exactly what FDR did to get the USA out of The Great Depression. The dollar is overrated anyway, the new global standard will be the Euro now. We'll adopt the Euro after the USA joins the EU after our liberal revolution. So keep living paycheck to paycheck and getting deep into debt, do your part to wreck the economy so we can fix it later after we blame the conservatives for wrecking our economy. Just enough to get a majority of Congress and the White House elected by liberal Democrats.

edit #4 Anti-capitalism

The rich have too much money. We'll tax them by as much as 60% of their income, they can afford it. Anyone who makes over $97,000 a year will get the rich tax. We'll tax carbon as well to fight global warming that means gas and oil will go up in price. We'll blame conservatives for that Iraq war driving up oil and gas prices. While this means a loss of jobs as corporations cannot afford to keep everyone employed, we'll just print up more money and extend unemployment to two or three years. If that doesn't work, we'll raise minimum wage to $15 an hour. By that time the dollar will be so low in value it won't matter anyway. All part of our liberal revolution. Got to break some eggs to make an omelet anyway.

We will break down the capitalist society by putting as many people on Welfare as possible. We also when we get a turn controlling the government get it to spend too much money, and when we are not in power trick the Republicans to spend too much money, and create a big deficit and then print up even more money until the US Dollar is so deflated that it takes 5 bushels of US dollars to buy one bushel of groceries. We will keep increasing socialist programs as they always increase the spending. We will waste money on the scientific study of cow farts and other useless scientific research projects and claim they are in the name of saving the world. Thus crushed by debt, capitalist society falls apart and we can install a communist one with us in charge.

edit #5 Anti-Oil and Anti-Natural Gas

In fact, instead of just blaming conservatives, we'll blame the oil and natural gas and energy companies even if we happen to own a lot of stock in them. We control the environmentalist companies and will make sure that oil and natural gas never goes up in supply as we'll fight them to stop them from drilling for more oil or natural gas, to keep oil and gas prices really really high. Then we'll put them before Congress to answer for why gas and oil prices are so high, and when they say "because of environmental organizations stopping us from drilling for more oil or gas" we'll just accuse them of lying and file civil cases against them for perjury. Even if gas and oil keeps the US economy growing, we have to sabotage oil and gas production to ruin the US economy. Then we'll just put carbon taxes on all gas and oil sold, rising oil prices to $250 a barrel and gas as $12 a gallon. We'll force people to use alternative energy, even if it isn't available for mass use yet and is very expensive to own technology that uses alternative energy.

edit #6 Human rights

Those terrorist suspects in GITMO, we'll release them. They have been tortured by waterboarding and had the NSA and FBI listen into everyone's phone calls to catch them. So we'll do away with warrantless wiretaps and the patriot act as well. All to give those unfortunate people human rights. They will be so happy, they won't strike back at our nation. Nope, they gave us their word that they wouldn't, besides we took away all of their guns and bombs that the military caught them with. We'll even put the USA under Shiara Law to please them. All so we can finally give them their human rights back. They won't have a reason for hating American anymore as we'll pull all troops out of Iraq and Afghanistan and the rest of the world, as well as downsize our military. All part of our liberal revolution. As Benjamin Franklin once said "Those who give up a little freedom to get security deserve nether." So we want to give 100% freedom, even to terrorist suspects, no matter what the cost. After all, what is the worst that could happen if we give radical Islamic terrorists freedom? Amnesty for all terrorism suspects, let them live in the USA and vote for the Liberal Democrats who freed them.

edit #7 Immigration

Face it nation borders are so fascist, I mean it is a part of nationhood. We need to tear down the walls and fences and just let people come into the USA if they want to, no background checks either. Labor needs to go where capitalism is, and the USA needs cheap imported labor. Who will be our janitors and gardeners? Who will mow our lawns or work in restaurants? The founding fathers of the USA were liberals and owned slaves, and this new immigration policy is a legal way of allowing slavery as our founding fathers wanted. So what if they have criminal backgrounds, we have sanctuary cities that they can live in, and we'll even pay for shuttle service via bus or plane back to their country of origin if they get caught in a crime, so they can come back later and be free again. They'll never have to stay in jail for committing crimes, just go back home, and then come back here later. We'll welcome them back with open arms and social programs.

edit #8 Separation of Church and State

Religion does not belong in politics or the US government. Unless it happens to follow a liberal agenda and then it is not religion but secular liberal politics. For example the Reverend Jeremiah Wright, a leader in Black Liberation Theology has used his sermons to attack the US government and say they invented AIDS, sell drugs to Black Men so they can be thrown in jail, and are terrorists. All in his church while selling DVDs of his sermons over the Internet. But since his Church uses a Marxist version of Black Liberation Theology, it has liberal views and therefore we can claim him as a liberal politician giving a secular sermon that promotes liberal politics and has nothing to do with religion or the church. Therefore it is a valid and logical conclusion that Rev Wright promotes secular liberal politics and not theology or religion. But John Hagee who supports the Conservative Fundamentalist Christianity and John McCain, we cannot allow because it violates separation of church and state and mixes religion and politics.

edit #9 Removal of God

Since God can save the USA, we will bar him from the USA. Outlawing religions we disagree with, and replacing "In God We Trust" with "In Reason We Trust" on all of the money and public places. All history books with reference to God or religious people in them will be heavily edited to remove them and replace it with nature or reason instead, like when Thomas Jefferson rewrote the bible to 47 pages and removed all miracles and references to God as the Jefferson Bible because he was a non-believer. All documents like the Declaration of Independence, will be rewritten so they don't mention God anymore. With God rewritten out of the USA's history, he cannot help save the USA from liberals.

edit #10 Censorship

Basically we are upset over conservative radio and cable stations, so basically we will outlaw all news and media sources to not write anything we don't approve of first. This will make sure that even the Internet won't have non-liberal opinions or facts or evidence on them anymore. The same applies for religious points of view and opinions. Only liberal news and media and Internet views and opinions will be approved, so we can be proven right. Public colleges and public schools have to follow the same rules as will the private ones as well, or else be thrown into prison without even a fair trial.

edit #11 Fighting Global Warming

Anyone who does not agree with the theory of global warming will be rounded up into camps. This includes elderly, sick, disabled, certain religions, and the poor (because they cannot afford to use alternative energy) into reeducation camps to help fight global warming because they breathe out CO2. We support the right to die via euthanasia, and we declare that these people are suicidal by nature and will help them to die even if they don't want to die. This number might be higher than 3 billion for the number of people to be recycled in that manner to help save the planet.

edit #12 Rejoice!

After all of the evil people on the planet get recycled, and we build the new United Soviet States of Amerika, there will be vodka and hookers for all. Only Liberals, Communists, and other left-wingers will be left, no moderates, no conservatives, no libertarians, no independents, and no free thinkers either. The USSA will join the EU in a global secular humanist state and rule the world in the new new world order, after getting rid of everyone we accused of being in the New World Order even if such a thing never actually really existed and we made it all up as a conspiracy theory to help us take over the world.

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