User:Orian57/You Are Alone In The Dark/Screen 1

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search
Screen 1
Blue Halls

You decide that The Blue Halls of Indecency might turn out to be vaguely pornographic, and a good way to spend two hours of your life. This place is so dead (no pun intended) that you could probably have a cheeky wank in the back and nobody would notice.

You go for a pee and then enter the screen. There is an advert for the up coming movie Girls Getting Fucked by a Bear in The Woods. And then the movie starts:

There is a Mexican man buffing the floor in a blue corridor. He is listening to Spanish language music on his walkman (this implies he is an illegal immigrant and responsible for the currently topical Recession or Depression or Whateveritis) suddenly he pulls of his ugly Spanish headphones and you hear that there is other music playing. Proper English speaking music. The Mexicans haggard eyes open wide and you see that there is a party of about ten or so porn-stars-come-actresses dancing, half naked up the halls towards him. They flirt with and molest him for a while and there is a fade out.

Apparently the next morning the blue Hallway is covered with crude drawings of genitals and the Janitors mutilated corpse is lying all over the place. But he was an illegal immigrant so it’s a fun waste of human life, you think.

The movie progresses and a protagonist is established, a white, alcoholic cop with Mexican relatives. A plot is developed, young drunk women go around killing people in blue halls and leaving indecent doodles in blood on the walls (this references the title). And a message is received: alcoholism turns you away from the glory of God and the love of Jesus Christ, Our Lord. You bastard.

The film is reaching its climax but you’re well ahead of it. The cop is obviously going to murder all of the girls in act of brutality due to his personal involvement. But it’s a fun act of brutality and we don’t have to watch him fill out the paper work. The girls have obviously had a lot of drink as there is gore and crass drawings and phrases all over the walls as the cop walks through the building. After you’re shown more gore than is necessary the cop finds the party room with all the girls having a party and torturing the Mexican Janitor (not the dead one another one, but they all look the same in real life so it doesn’t matter that they used the same actor).

The cop flashes his badge and shouts out four random letters and throws a police issue grenade into the party obliterating most of the girls in a shower of gore. He stylistically gets head shots on the remaining naked women until there is only one left. With her he has a long, poorly choreographed, sword fight. He beats her to the ground and says in a stupidly over dramatised attempt at humour.

“Well drink is giving up on you. Fucking scumbag.”

He then beheads her and her head of the roof.

The movie ends leaving you divided on wither or not you want to see a sequel. You leave and go for a poo. While sitting on the pan you look at the walls and read some of the graffiti and chuckle at the puerile drawings. “Just like in the movie.” You giggle.

“What? Don’t talk to me, I’m trying to piss.” Says a man, trying to pee.

“Sorry.” You say.

“No seriously.”

“Yeah, ok, I’m sorry.”

“Oh right, for fucks sake, now I can’t go. If I piss myself on the way home you owe me a new pair of jeans!”


The door bangs shut.

You’re just wiping up when you hear the door open and a party of girls enter. Naturally they butcher you and crass drawings are left on the walls.

If only you’d watched another movie!
Personal tools