User:Orian57/Writing

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search
Pencil2

Another writing tool, this one gets shorter as it is used.

Writing used to be the act of removing excess ink from a pen or typewriter ribbon by marking one or more sheets of paper with complete sentences from your chosen language. Although in contemporary usage, writing is the primary means of preventing a computer screen from freezing. In either case, literature, a coherent string of text, is a coincidental by-product of the process. However, this side-effect occurs distressingly often and if unchecked can lead to publication, which in turn may cause widespread entertainment, learned discourse, cultural enhancement, and other forms of effluence that distract the proles from their dreary lives, which then in turn causes computers to freeze.

edit History

Shopping list

Writing like this is used to convey what needs to be bought from the grocery vendor.

While the history of writing hasn’t been very well documented it is commonly believed that literature was first brought into the public eye some two-hundred years ago, with the publication of Charles Dickens’ first novel, Oliver Twist. However some historians believe they have found a book that is nearly as old as the earth (approx six-thousand years) but this claim is yet to be proven.

Regardless of its origins its popularisation in the eighteen hundreds led to some people using the idea to document their lives in books known as “diaries”, which has, among other things, given historians vital insight into how terrible it was being a prostitute in the 90’s. Some people have taken after Dickens and written their own "pseudo-diaries" that people read for entertainment, and often contain fanciful themes.

Now-a-days, though, writing has become a huge part of our lives at work, or if you are a novelist (most agree there is a distinction), where people now have to fill out lengthy business reports and spreadsheets and things. Inventively, it can also be used as a more civilised way of communicating discontent between family members, using letter-shaped magnets that can be rearranged into words (e.g. "Eugh! I told you to stop putting breast milk in the empty cartons!"). In certain people, however, writing is an almost involuntary habit where they feel compelled to write down their thoughts and post them on the internet. In light of this disorder many scientists agree that the invention of reading (a way of deciphering writing into something intelligible) could help psychologists work out a cure.

edit Genres of Writing

There are literally two common genres of writing in today’s world. These are The Report, usually written by a man, reporting the events of a business trip to his boss and The Fantasy, usually written by a man, who would be reporting the events of a business trip if he had a boss. Examples follow:

Words

Pictures supposedly say a thousand words, however this one only states fifty-four.

The Report

Cquote1 For dinner I had a course of cow meat (also known as beef) and an apple crumble with custard for dessert with two glasses of red wine something which I am entitled to claim expenses for (see attached expense claim). I then had eight subsequent bears to no charge of you, the employer (see attached expense claim). Now sufficiently intoxicated I hired a prostitute and brought her back to the hotel room for intercourse to no charge of you, the employer (see attached expense claim). After an enjoyable but ultimately vapid round of sexual relations, said prostitute offered me a line of cocaine which I accepted to no charge of you, the employer (see attached expense claim). In the morning I was incapacitated and therefore unable to attend the conference, thus defeating the purpose of the excursion to some cost to you, the employer (see attached expense claim). Cquote2

The Fantasy

Cquote1 While I was eating my course of lovely, roasted, scrumptious cow meat (also know as beef) I made eye contact with the sexy and atractive young waitress and imagined her sliding on the hard, wet, slick, shiny floor she was walking on and covering the fat man and his wife in gravy. After my main course the waitress whom I had imagined having an accident took away my plates. As she returned she slipped on the hard, wet, slick, shiny floor and, in an ironic turn of affairs, covered me in my own custard pudding... Cquote2

And so on. As you can see fantastical versions of events are much less direct with their information and may indeed be complete falsehoods. Instead of calling a spade (or shovel) a spade (or a shovel), fiction writers would have you believe that a spade (or shovel) is actually a “long thin device with a handle at the top and thin piece of metal at the bottom that is shaped like the Ace of Spades (or Shovels), used for cutting through the earth (or sand) to create a hole.” and not a spade (or shovel). Some scientists have put this down to to the forgetting of a certain incriment of language used to name things, obgects and places.

edit Writer's Block

Writer’s block is a psychological deficiency where one physically cannot write, either coherently, or at all. It differs from illiteracy in that the subject has learned the art of writing but has meagrely lost the will to, or (in extreme cases) forgotten entirely. This ailment can affect either the common office drone or the struggling fictionist however the results are usually different.

The office worker will at first try to hide the problem, in the hope that it is just a blip. To do this he will use several smokescreens, the most common being to photocopy lots and lots of his old work which, actually, has the interesting effect of making him look more productive than ever! Until he is rumbled, of course, then is then forced into involuntary retirement, without pension.

In a way the reverse happens to the struggling fictionist struck down by writer’s block. Unable to write anything a publisher will accept he turns to pharmaceuticals and narcotics, occasionally even alcohol but they tend to be more interested in drinking it rather than selling it.

edit The Future

If the current trends in writing continue it is possible that it could become just as popular as the drawings in Ancient Egypt. Future generations may even be grateful for the entertainment, learned discourse and cultural enhancement that we generate through writing today. Or they may be too busy trying to suck the last drops of clean water out of a muddy turd, but one can hope.

Personal tools
projects