User:Orian57/UnProvise/UPR/Generic American Sports Film
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UnProvise Name: Generic American Sports Film
Description: The generic American sports film is here. Our hero Matt, and his team have always wanted to win the Nationals for their sport of choice, the illusive Sport X. However, they lack the talent or the courage to go that far, and besides, there worst rivals (The XTigers) have far more money and better training than them. The XTigers will stop at nothing to win the Nationals, even if it means cheating (duh)... Will the Plucky Young Coach be able to save them? Oh and there's the girl called Alice that Matt is wildly in love with, but she's far too cool for him.
Contributors: YTTE + Flumpa + Qua + Optimuschris + Berry + Jasper
Who Is Who: YTTE plays Matt, Flumpa plays Joey, a boy on Matt's team, Qua plays the lovable but hard Coach, Optimuschris plays Alice, Berry plays the wise janitor, Jasper plays Guy In Crowd/Matt's Father, a rich superfan of said hero's team who is obviously his father.
This UnProvise is written in the past tense!
Matt -- 'Oh boy' Matt thought to himself, 'I'm wildly in love with Alice and I so badly want our team to win the Nationals. But what am I going to do? We haven't got a plucky young coach to train us and we've got nowhere to train. Oh boy...' Matt felt even more sorry for himself as he saw Alice walk past, arms linked with the bad boy at school, Max. Max hated Matt and Matt hated Max. Matt sat on the wall, kicking his legs back and fourth and feeling glum. Slowly he bounced an XSportBall on the concrete at his feet.
Joey -- Coming around a brick wall, Joey saw his fellow teammate. "Hey, buddy!", he said. 'Why so glum?'
Matt -- Matt didn't say anything for a moment and then looked up at Joey with big, round blue eyes. "My folks are getting divorced and my little brother has been diagnosed with cancer. He said he just wanted to see our team win..." Matt paused, and then prepared himself to pour out his heart, "And we're not going to, are we? We don't have a change?" Matt started sobbing. He was surprisingly adept at pouring his heart out for an 11 year old boy and certainly had a way of making you feel sorry for him.
Joey -- Joey himself had four baby brothers in his family, and was therefore very used to tears and sorrow. Unsympathetic, he slapped Matt across the face, and followed with "Don't be talking like that! Of course we aren't going to win if you don't try!"
Matt -- Matt suddenly felt happy and alive again. He thought 'I can do this!' and jumped up and proclaimed "First we need a plucky young coach! Before we can get a coach, we need to go looking for one!". Matt pulled a stereo from nowhere, and started playing an upbeat 90s' pop song. "Let's go!" he shouted above the horrible raucous.
Joey -- With a look on his face that could curl a duck, Joey sighed and said, "Here we go again."
Coach -- "Hey guys, sorry I'm late" a coach said, while running into the room half covered with sweat. As he continued his deep breathing, he stumbled over to the water cooler to get a cup of water.
Matt -- Matt stopped dead and span around to face the loveable but hard coach, that had just ran past and into the sports centre. Matt slowly reached for the stereo and paused it. "I think we have our coach, Joey" Matt said dramatically, making his way towards the water cooler in the foyer of sports centre. Slowly things faded out around the characters as the scene changed. As things faded in again Matt and his team stood on an XSport Pitch, practising their X-ing skills. Their coach watched them with intense eyes.
Coach -- While watching those guys, he thought to himself. "Damn, those guys look... HOT! I wonder if I can record them, play them in slow motion... They would look even hotter!"
Alice -- Meanwhile, Alice watched Max push an unathletic student down a flight of stairs. "He's so mean" she thought to herself. "Will I ever find a nice boy to love? Although...he does have a huge package." Alice sauntered over to Max and gave him a look that spoke volumes. "Stop it!" she said. "You know I hate violence!" Max just grinned at her. "Oh, I can't stay mad at you!" Alice exclaimed. "I think tonight might be the night we finally make love!"
Matt -- Matt saw Alice and his heart plummeted but he managed to remain happy and ignore the couple snogging and undressing themselves behind him. Out of breath he collapsed to the floor and took a water bottle. In an awesomely cool way he swung the bottle up above his head and let the cold water splash over his hair and down his face. He ran his hand through his hair, slowly and then called to everyone to come and take a break for a moment. As everyone settled down beside him he decided he would make a heartfelt speech. He poured out all the woes of his life to them and brought tears to there eyes. "But this time, we can win the Nationals! We've got a good coach this time, not like that wierd pretend coach, who looked at us weirdly and called us 'hotties'. This time we can win!" And as he said this his eyes lit up with hope.
Janitor -- The janitor had been listening to Matt's heartfelt speech from a distance and suddenly decided to share his wise toughts with the team, despite his slight accent. "Dang yo' kids and yer jive talk! In my time, we had to coach ourshelvs, we didn't need a cowch to win the Nashownels! What you needs is them will-powers. Every-thang is possewbl when you have them wills to do it!"
Alice -- In the background Alice pushed Max away and began putting her clothes back on. "I'm sorry, but I can't do this now" Alice said breathlessly. Max gave her an inquisitive look. "I must wait for true love. Plus, I'm not nearly drunk enough yet." With that, Alice turned on her heel and sauntered into the women's locker room.
Matt -- Matt pretended to look interested and moved by this deep Janitor-speech, but had been watching Alice and Max, all the time. He even managed a fake tear. "That's...that's so moving" Matt said emotionally. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Alice and Max, both half-naked, touching each other and snogging. He looked again. Alice had such good tits. He stood there gaping for a moment then snapped back to the emotionally tense training session. "So, guys, let's do a few XSkills!" he shouted and darted off to practise with team. Matt's life faded out and then faded back in to reveal a small XGame taking place. It was of unimportance, but Matt's team new they were going to win - it was the laws of going to Nationals.
Coach -- The coach began to analyze the game and shouted "Okay so there's going to be this gap where you have to jump through 6 rings of fire and a pit full of the most deadliest sharks. You think you're up for it?" to the young enthuisastic boys.
Matt -- Matt was huffing, standing on the pitch. It was almost XTime, and they were behind. But suddenly the ball came flying to him and some epic music started to play slowly. In slow motion Matt began to run. He slowly ran up to the first opponent, and got knocked senseless, due to his lack of speed.
Guy In Crowd -- A guy in the crowd was outraged that Matt was knocked senseless, and said, "Ah, come on! I paid for like, 7 beers and a front row to see this?" Unfortunately, he was drowned out by everyone else screaming.
Matt -- Matt looked up from the ground at the odd man in the crowd who was waving and shouting. "Hey, dad!" he managed to croak, lifting his hand a little bit. He faintly wondered if that drumming pain in his crotch would stop him from having babies...but he wanted babies! He touched his head - there was blood everywhere, and he felt awful. He carefully flapped down a large piece of skin that had been detached and picked himself up. Suddenly an idea clicked in his mind - "Dad, chuck us a bear!" he shouted, his voice grating horribly.
"Matt's Father" -- Well, for some reason, the guy in the crowd, tried explaining to him, "I'm not your father. You're just drunk." But Matt didn't seem to understand that. "Max is my father? I'm a-drunk? Where am I?" This person screamed. And it was fucking loud. He paused and then decided to play a drinking game. But before he could take his first sip, he remembered where he was. "I'm at an XGame cheering for my son!" He said, "Better go chuck a beer!" In that sports film way, it was chucked at slow motion downards, with Chariots of Fire music drumming out in the background.
Matt -- In slow motion Matt leapt for the beer and caught it neatly. Not one drop was spilled, despite his semi-conscious state. Carefully he took a first sip - everyone on the XGame pitch seemed to have disappeared, or were just ignoring him - and then another. Slowly Matt's eyes started diluting and he swayed from side to side. A voice echoed through his mind - "You can do it son, I believe in you, you can do it". With one final glug Matt emptied the beer can. In slow motion he swivelled round to face the game. With a roar he started running forwards, his legs pumping in slow motion, and he promptly fell unconscious - totally and utterly drunk.
"Matt's Father" -- "NO FUCKING WAY!" He screamed. "NONE OF THAT ENCOURAGEMENT AND DRINKING FROM 3 YEARS AGO FIXED ANYTHING! Oh my god, the XTigers are winning. What do I do?" After contemplating for a few minutes, he said "I got it! The XTigers were breaking the rules the whole time! This should be an utterly random game, and they're jacked up on steroids! You can't be jacked up on steroids!" So, he ran to the XGame Manager (who was never really mentioned until now) and said "They're jacked up on steroids! Can't you see they're more aggressive than a pack of rabid wolves? Matt might be a bad player and a bad drinker, BUT MY FAVORITE TEAM AND MY SON ARE GOING TO RED CROSS AND THE XTIGERS DID DRUGS! Can't you do something?" the manager said, "Well, maybe I can help a bit." he walked over to the microphone, and said, "Players and audience. Please SHUT UP! It seems that, uh, a person in the crowd reported that the XTigers are on steroids. That's the only rule of the game there is. So, the XTigers have been... God, I've never said this disqualified. So the XWolves win the Nationals by default. People who won the bets will have $2,000,000/12." Guy In Crowd said "Woo-Hoo! I get over $120,000! I better go wake up Matt!" so he ran back down the steps and down the other steps leading to the sidelines and said "Matt! I know I haven't lived with you for the past 2 years, but I called you. I was that guy you confessed to for no reason. Alice is about to catch Max's AIDS disease! Yes, Max has AIDS! Why do you think your sister died? PLEASE WAKE UP!"
But, due to budget-related tendencies, Matt had died of alcohol poisoning. How this happened I will never know. It must be budget related. Matt's father killed himself because he technically had no more family, Alice caught AIDS, and Max and Alice died on the same day. The cities in which the XGames were held were nuked, and that is why they don't exist today. While the final character rides off into the night, the words "The End" can be seen, then that final character gets killed by a Vietnamese air strike.
Generic American Sports Film has been deemed "finished" and has reached its natural conclusion, please don't continue it. If you disagree with this please take up the matter on this UnProvise's talkpage.