This page is an archive. The contents have been moved from another page for reference purposes only, and should be preserved in their current form. Discussion or voting on this page is not current. Any additions you make will probably not be read.
Thanks for the nom. I wasn't going to PEE it because I thought it required knowledge of Floyd and/or Sex Pistols that would make it rather too specific. Still, glad you liked it. Shame so many people seem to dislike "What I did on my hols" which I thought was better. --Sog1970 22:39, 6 August 2009 (UTC)
Especially since we featured the Sandcastle thing I added a link for in your article. Maybe it's just too soon after. -OptyCSucks! CUN22:49, 6 Aug
PF may have required some knowledge of Pink Floyd and The Sex Pistols but This requires knowledge of The Who and Dr Who, a combination even fewer people will understand, I expect. not sure it works though. --Sog1970 20:34, September 18, 2009 (UTC)
You're right, it may be a little niche, but I lolled IRL. -OptyCSucks! CUN21:53, 18 Sep
Could you be a tiny bit clearer? Pupt 00:34, 8/08/2009
1. Opty was making a joke about the frivolity of abstains by creating a portmanteau of "against" and "abstain."
2. The score is 11, not 7, because admin votes traditionally count for double in forum/old-school VFS voting. --TKFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK 00:46, 8 August 2009 (UTC)
Bugger, means that I have to try and keep track of who is an admin and who isn't for the purposes of this vote if I'm working it out. I was thinking more along the lines of voting rules for NotM, given the topic, but I understand that Admins are twice the value of most users here. And although I appreciated the pun, I was still trying to get a little clarity. User:POTR/Invisiblesig
UnSignpost! August 9th, 2009!! WE BE LATE, Y'ALL!!!
This week, Uncyclopedia's benign evil overlords, Wikia, shuffled the advertising layout on our fine website. Previously, the left sidebar contained just one Wikia spotlight. These spotlights are not advertisements as much as they are a way to whore Wikia and increase its position in some sort of Google rankings, since the links from the banner ads go from Wikia-hosted Uncyclopedia to Google and back to Wikia-hosted wikis on such relevant topics to users who are on a satire wiki as the Burnout Wiki and the Harry Potter wiki. These Google rankings are actually a series of thousands of monkeys at Google headquarters, who move beads around on giant abaci based on search engine hits. Users who click these cleverly disguised and probably illegal "double-switch" ads cause the monkeys to alter the beads in Wikia's favor.
However, in recent days this Wikia spotlight was moved to the bottom of each page rather than the sidebar and multiplied by three. A cursory look at any of the wikis linked in these spotlights results in a brutal assault of the senses, as they are all swimming in banner advertisements, sidebar advertisements, advertisements in the content, and links to highly useful Wikia features such as Wikianswers. While the increased number of spotlights on Uncyclopedia has not directly resulted in any cash flow, the increased Google bead rating has indeed caused Wikia stock to jump by six beads (the stock market is also organized using giant abaci, only it is operated by goats rather than monkeys). Wikia has decided to share credit for this jump in value with the users of Uncyclopedia, and all users will be receiving checks for equal amounts next Tuesday. The line forms behindOlipro, wherever he happens to be on Tuesday when the stock market goats arbitrarily decide to stop working for the day.
08:49, 31 July 2009 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked MrN9000 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of a flat cap and a whippet (tha's callin' us lazy, lad? sithee 'ere, I were down t'pit 36 hours a day for tuppence when tha were nobbut a lad!)
02:40, 1 August 2009 Ljlego (Talk | contribs) resurrected Modusoperandi (Talk | contribs) (Nah, it wasn't so bad. Your nakedness totally made up for it.)
02:01, 5 August 2009 TheLedBalloon (Talk | contribs) blocked 220.127.116.11 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week (Yes, you tell that "Jacob" what you really think about him! Now that you've told him off on a random website online you'll be the coolest one of your friends. You are such a badass.)
The Water powered bus is the most prominent mode of public transportation in rainy cities such as Seattle and London, and also underwater cities like Atlantis and New Orleans. Invented in 1954 by Sir Henry Bus, the water powered bus is capable of maintaining speeds between 'brisk gentlemanly walk' and 'brisk gentlemanly trot' for up to ten minutes.
...and this is where I'm supposed to have made a really exciting template, but it's easier for me to just write this once and then cut and paste it a bunch of times. Pupt 09:30, 11/08/2009
Our appreciation is not easily earned.
But you have achieved what few others ever manage:
The respect of the Kosher Nostra.
You can rest assured that you henceforth enjoy our protection,
our support and a bed free of beheaded bagel crumbs. La Kosher Nostra.
August 10, 2009 - a date which will live in infamy.Gerrycheevers, the UnSignpost's handsome, talented, and, often times, only editor announced his leave of absence in order to head west, and make a name for himself. In an UnSignpost Exclusive, Gerry talked at length about his final destination and the exciting journey he expects. "[I'll be heading to] north dakota. [I reckon I'll take the famous Oregon Trail, driving a horse and buggy, herding cattle, planting seeds of injustice wherever I may.]" How long this move out west will take is unknown by all but our best psychics, and since Gerry has them trained to bite anyone who come near, we'll go with Gerry's approximate date of August 21. If all of our readers miss Gerry (and we have a feeling that, one paragraph in, you already do), please drop him a line. Tell him how much he is missed. Tell him that if he ever leaves again, we won't be so forgiving. Just tell him something. We don't want to have to do this without him again.
In an unrelated note, the UnSignpost - usually a shining example of grammatical correctness, good spelling, and hilarity - seems to have hit a drop in quality for this week's issue. The reasons for these changes seem to be a mystery to everyone. As far as we can tell, the problems that have arisen are completely arbitrary. The reasons for this change in quality have been the talk of the community this week. Some have suggested the recent meteor shower has caused an influx of gamma radiation into our atmosphere, creating a negative energy all over the Earth, and thus causing our writing abilities to falter. Under User stupidly blamed all of this on the change in editors, saying "Good to see we're keeping the time-honoured Signpost tradition of the revolving door to the editor's office alive and well. Although now Woody's in there, that should probably be a 'revolting' door."Bastard.
Popular Uncyclopedian Electric mocha something-or-other, also known as EMC, this week unveiled his latest creation: a trivia bot for the Uncyclopedia IRC Channel. The bot, named "UncycTrivia", stands at over seven feet tall and is made exclusively from red crayons. Seemingly, its only function is to spout random nonsense under the guise of trivia questions and then demand answers, awarding points to whoever manages to guess the random word or phrase it considers the answer.
EMC let loose his bot on the nerds, perverts and middle-aged alcoholics of #uncyclopedia, leading to even less constructive conversation then usual. Instead, the channel is mostly filled with dozens of people shouting random words in the hopes of being awarded meaningless points. Some, however, have pointed out that the only real difference between this and the way things were before is the awarding of points.
Not content with destroying one channel, however, EMC subsequently decided to bring his bot to ##turtle,the exciting new channel with the dubious honour of being "the BHOP of IRC" (but with less Bad Shroom), which also served as a staging post for a recent trollinvasion of Yahoo! Answers.
EMC was unavailable for comment when I was throwing this piece together in five minutes. He is presumed to be sitting in a cave somewhere stroking his large red crayon and laughing dementedly.
New Editors Have Trouble Matching up Left and Right Sides
In a startling development, the newest editors of the UnSignpost are proving to be quite inept at lining up the left and right sides of Post's template. It seems that our penchant for placing more and more boxes on the right side of the page has defeated the natural aesthetic of the Post's two-even-sides strategy. While this is a problem, it does seem to be fixable. Namely, by adding this headline and story. Is this just an obvious cry for help, that we are unable to do this without Gerry? Probably. But since our hostile takeover has proven quite successful unstoppable so far, we would disagree.
14:17, 10 August 2009 Thekillerfroggy (Talk | contribs) blocked 18.104.22.168 (Talk) with an expiry time of Judgement Day (Who is Ed and why should is he better than me?)
14:18, 10 August 2009 Thekillerfroggy (Talk | contribs) blocked Thekillerfroggy (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of Judgement Day (Fuck you, me, stop proving that guy's point with your horrible horrible ban reasons)
15:30, 8 August 2009 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked MrN9000 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 24 seconds (beating me to a ban, and using a boring ban reason when you got there. honestly, I spend seconds on a ban reason, only to find it's wasted. gnurph!)
The Little boy who lives down the street is a child who lives down the street that no other children have ever seen. (And no-one knows his name either...) This is because the child has died, in several fashions, over and over again, the subject of which is constantly being brought up by your Mother and/or Grandmother when they’re explaining why you cannot do something that you really want to do.
"With the exception of Bruce Lee, these people are the least funniest people who have ever lived. Why people continue to cream their jeans over them for their supposed god-like abilities, I can't figure that out. Delete. Delete. Delete. Sakujo. Delete this massive faggotry. These people ain't bad THEY AIN'T NOTHIN'!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" --RomanDogBird!!!!!:D :D :D :D :D :D :D 04:27, 13 August 2009 (UTC)
Thanks so much for renomming the God article! Only one problem. If you go to the article and click on the link where it says "Please see this article's entry," you go to the old nomination which says a decision has already been made and don't edit the page. There may be people who want to vote who'll think it's already over. Can this be fixed? I'm asking someone else too so whichever of you gets there first please fix it! Thanks! Miley Spears 02:02, 20 August 2009 (UTC)
I notice you've been "messin' up" a bit on VFH
Whether you've been failing to sign your votes, breaking numbering, not numbering at all, or anything else like that, I'm here to give you a warning and some recommended reading. Really recommended. Read that and please learn how to do things right from now on. Thank you. (Specifically, you bulleted your against vote on the Quentin Tarentino vote page) --TKFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK 20:20, 21 August 2009 (UTC)
Hey, thanks for the notice. I'll sleep better tonight knowing that my colossal error was quickly and easily rectified by a quick edit. Seeing as how this has been an ongoing problem with me, I understand the necessity of this warning and the link to UN:FV. -OptyCSucks! CUN23:19, 21 Aug
A blast of wind is heard, as the good spaceship Serenity approaches your userpage ...
Well, look at this! Appears we got through VFH just in the nick of time. What does that make us? Sir, how many times has this quote been used on the Internet? Absolutely not, Zoe. I don't see— Sir, I am not going to use that quote directly, especially when it has become the title of a TV Tropes page.
Thank you for supporting the Firefly article! <sarcasm style="obvious">Although, if I may, my plan was really to have it fail VFH after 11 days, have it quasi-featured, start a "Feature Firefly" campaign, and eventually rewrite and have featured the article on Serenity (which is kind of in a mess at the moment).</sarcasm> But thanks anyway! SirMacManiaGUN—[03:09 23 Aug 2009]
UnSignpost 20th August, it's not late, your mom is!
After four weeks of red-hot eight-man free fantasy football league draft action, the first Uncyclopedia Fantasy Football League (UFFL) Draft is finally at a close: Uncyclopedia regular and DiBiase's Millions general manager The Woodburninator made Arizona Cardinals' Kicker Neil Rackers Mr. Irrelevant on the afternoon of August 21th, 2009, a mere 26 hours after the previous pick had been made. Afterward, League Commissioner and noted Nazi sympathizer Guildensternenstein promised to make all subsequent Uncyclopedia Fantasy Football League official actions run much more smoothly. He vowed he would "put the drafted players on their respective fantasy teams" at some point "after I'm done writing this story for the UnSignpost and before I go see Inglorious Bastards later tonight."
The draft itself was varied, and picks ranged from the predictable (Vikings' running back Adrian Peterson taken first overall) to the even more predictable (Falcons' running back Michael Turner taken with second overall pick) to the fairly predictable (Drew Brees, Peyton Manning and Tom Brady being the first three quarterbacks taken) to the downright wild. Notable steals include Guildy's nabbing of Chris Johnson in Round 5, Woody's snagging of Aaron Rodgers in Round 6, and Bradaphraser's criminal steal of Dallas tight end Jason Witten. For every good pick, there was a bad one, however: in moves that would make Al Davis proud, LongLiverh3 took Philadelphia's No. 3 receiver while their No. 1 and No. 2 receivers were still on the board, made 30th ranked tight end L.J. Smith the second overall tight end picked, and made Baltimore QB Joe Flacco his backup quarter back while the likes of Matt Schaub, Jay Cutler, Ben Roethlisberger and Eli Manning were still available. LongLiver could not be reached for comment.
New UnSignpost Editor already having trouble filling up space; Falls upon pointless gimmicks, self-references, long article titles to fill void
In a move that has surprised literally 0% of the Uncyclopedia UnSignpost community, the newest UnSignpost editor has already hit a wall in trying to think up new articles for the post. Well, that's not actually true. First he wrote a story trying to beg Zombiebaron to re-subscribe for the post. Then he actually looked at Zombiebaron's userpage to find out that he was actually leaving the site. Needless to say, the presses were called back, and more writing had to be done. Namely, this.
Now, we at the post already know what you are thinking. But, since putting those things into print is outlawed in 36 states, two Canadian provinces, and all of Lithuania, we will instead reference the fact that there have been an awful lot of self-referencing in the UnSignpost lately. For that we are truly sorry. Also, we are sorry for self-referencing our own self-referencing. It is truly a problem that continues to build upon itself. We hope to soon continue with the top notch reporting that is so often found in our hallowed archives. Such as the time we wrote about Spang's village dump conquests, or the time we self-referenced how the UnSignpost's lovable mascot, "Dognewspaper" had not been in the Unsignpost for over nine months. Or that time we wrote about the Fantasy Football Draft being finished. Yes, all of those times were good. And we plan - nae, promise - to, in the very near future, continue bringing those kinds of articles to your doorstep. That is, if you don't mind finding a bit of drool upon it.
12:30, 16 August 2009 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked 22.214.171.124 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day (blanking pages makes baby jesus cry. it also gets your ass banned. maybe one or the other of those things will convince you not to do it again)
10:55, 18 August 2009 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) blocked Under user (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 18 days (so you let me look like an ignorant baffoon for 18 days? What kind of SLA is that?)
11:02, 18 August 2009 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked Mordillo (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 432 hours (it's not that long in the grand scheme of things. America happily let George Bush look like an ignorant buffoon for 2 terms of office, for example...)
Biopic of the Week
The man from straight out of Kiel, Germany, NaturalBornKieler has been a tremendous addition to Uncyclopedia since joining in June, 2007. While he has had no issues splitting his time between both Uncyclopedia, and the German Uncyclopedia, he has, for some reason, written 10 morefeatures, and some 100 more articles for the German Uncyclopedia than for our beautiful English side. Still, it seems he has found his calling now, working in the big bureaucracy of the Foreign Office. NBK was unable to be reached for comment, as he was unable to get the proper approval from his superiors to be interviewed by a newspaper. Ahhhh. Bureaucracy at work.
Coping with adolescence and struggling to maintain its identity during the Napoleonic Wars, the United States looked to its mother country for guidance. But England, a single parent with a host of colonies to look after, had little time to spend with its gawky young child. Hoping to impose some sort of discipline over its increasingly sullen ward, England resorted to a 10 p.m. curfew.
Old School Old School Box of the Week
Forgotten and so-short-it-possibly-ought-to-be-a-template page of the week
Tact: Sure I'd leave you for a girl with bigger boobs. What do you think I am, gay?
The next PLS is impending, and the are still judging slots unfilled. Modusoperandi is looking for users who are opinionated, who think that those opinions matter, and who want to give the benefit of those opinions to many in the form of passing judgement on articles. Enjoy the temporary sensation of power! Impress your friends! Alienate those whose articles you don't favour! Sign up now!
The featured article UnScripts:Pixar: An Introduction for Uncyclopedians now available on DVD! Get the Disney Digital 3D experience with the enclosed glasses! You'll laugh until you get incredibly disoriented! Watch interviews with the people behind the article! (Head writer and reviewer(s) only.) Deleted scenes, like the infamous rant scene about the struggle between Disney and Pixar over Toy Story 3! You'll never want to watch it again! Buy the Limited Collector's Edition now!
We need some help updating the HowTo and Why sections on a regular basis. You're interested? Up for the task? Gay? Apparently everyone in Uncyclopedia is gay so you might as well be one. ~ 11:42, September 2, 2009 (UTC)
Aye, I'm sure I could lend a hand. My wife's step-father passed away last night though, so I won't be on for the next week. -OptyCSucks! CUN16:35, 2 Sep
Crap, sorry to hear that. My condolences. So, whenever you have the time. ~ 19:11, September 2, 2009 (UTC)
"What happened to the signpost?" was the question on literally nobody's lips this week, as Uncyclopedia's favourite newspaper which everyone loves to read but no-one can be bothered to write for took another step on the long slow descent to obscurity. Unfortunately Fortunately, Uncyclopedia's premier Ape-based entertainer, and occasional UnSignpost writer, An Ape that Only Exists on Thursdays heroically stepped into the breach to save the flagging newsrag from going the way of the dodo, the Irish Elk, and Mhaille's marriage.
However, our intrepid hero, i.e. me, soon discovered the enormity of the task that lay ahead of him. Boxes had to be filled, interesting and thought-provoking forums had to be discovered and linked to, block logs had to be accessed and trawled for witty comments (unsuccessfully, as it turned out) and this article and presumably another one below it had to be written.
"I never thought it could be this hard," Ape told himself, with sexual innuendo very much intended. "How did Gerrycheevers keep finding stuff to write about? There doesn't really seem to be much happening around here. I mean, I could start whoring my newest articles under the flimsy guise of self-referential irony, but that would be shit really. Who wants to see that? Nobody, that's who."
However, in the absence of anything funny or clever to say, our hero, (who is gradually being revealed to be more of an anti-hero, like Alex in A Clockwork Orange, except with no sense of style) proceeded to do exactly that, shamelessly whoring two articles (which, if anything, evince his decline as a comedy writer), eliciting a universal chorus of groans and boos from all who had the misfortune to read it.
Seriously guys, if you don't want any more shitty issues like this I'm going to need help, or else the signpost is going to die like all the other well-intentioned projects that nobody bothers with. What we need is:
People to do interesting stuff that I can write about.
23:23, September 1, 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) blocked 126.96.36.199 (Talk) with an expiry time of 2 weeks (THat FAG JUST WOULDN`T STOP SUCKING MY COCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
13:08, September 1, 2009 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked 188.8.131.52 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day (blanking a WCW article? do you know how much of a moron that flags you up as?)
08:32, September 2, 2009 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked Mordillo (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of a minor existential crisis (wait, so we DON'T care about people's gay friends? but I thought that was the whole POINT. what's the use in anything any more? I'm so disillusioned)
09:13, September 2, 2009 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) blocked Under user (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of a debate (Are you gay then? You seem gay to me. Not that there's anything wrong with it. Unless you sleep with Orian. Do you? Are you gay then?)
09:26, September 2, 2009 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked Mordillo (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of a riposte (no wai, im not ghey, ive had lodes and lodes of chix. ur just jelus bcos ur mum's ghey. and ur dad. yeah, you herd, their both teh gheyz!)
21:09, September 1, 2009 Mhaille (Talk | contribs) blocked 184.108.40.206 (Talk) with an expiry time of 6 months (well fuck off then, wanker)
Biopic of the Week
Can't be fucked with this.
Old School Featured Article of The Week
Pot v. Kettle was a landmark case in USA history, giving people the right to make hypocritical statements without fear of retribution. It began as a civil rights case, as Kettle alleged that Pot "did not let [Kettle] work at the Pot's store solely for the color of [his] kitchenware". What made this Supreme Court case unique was the fact that the Pot himself was black, as was the Kettle.
Remember when Gerry was here? Things were so much better back then.
At 2:50 PM, hub caps discombobulated a diode. While funeral was throwing, a chromosome suddenly earned. A fool wants to be king. A wise man wonders if he can handle the job. Tony Blair rinses zoot suit! God admires a boat! SUGAR'CECIL JOHN RHODES'! At long last, anteater admires spoons!
Did the garbageman abandon...
...that water is bad for your health because fish have sex in it?
For instance, Persian</noinclude> a Tartutic</noinclude> moribund</noinclude> heads</noinclude> Argh!</noinclude> 7</noinclude> a memo</noinclude> would</noinclude> to dance</noinclude> to rinse</noinclude> Demon</noinclude> Dawn773</noinclude> Ray Earl Ray</noinclude> Shenay Smith</noinclude> Madagascar</noinclude> 999,999</noinclude> yotz </noinclude> Strong Bad</noinclude> Hindu</noinclude>.
Look, I'm not saying he wasn't good at baseball! I'm not trying to destroy your great baseball heroes. But let's not kid ourselves here. Babe Ruth was a complete and total bitch. Come on. He couldn't catch the ball. And he whined at the umpires when people called him fat (even though he totally was). And he always talked about how much his feelings were hurt by people trying to buy him a beer.
Due to frequent lack of interest and excitement, this UnSignpost issue has now gone totally insa-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! Genital wart in the left politician! BOMB IRAN! HEIL CAJEK! Islam</noinclude>. ladle</noinclude>.
09:47, August 30, 2009 Mordillo protected "WP:HOTCAT" [edit=sysop] (indefinite) [move=sysop] (indefinite) (there, no more redlinks) (hist)
10:22, August 22, 2009 Thekillerfroggy blocked Miley Spears with an expiry time of Judgement Day (pointlessly productive, dedicated user)
Random Biopic of the Week
The man, the myth, the user not many people really know. Random pipings was an active user way back in March 2006. Sure, he only had 46 edits. Sure, during his heyday in March, 2006 he only had 32 edits, which most of our more accomplished users can rack up in half an hour. And yes, only 3 of his 6 articles are stillaround, including the critically acclaimedHealth. But, in spite of all that, he has a place in our great wiki here. Because even though he's not around, and his articles are not beloved, everyone can find a niche here, and that's exactly what Random pipings has done. I mean, how many other great men could have made a "Your mom", "Oscar Wilde", and "David Hasslehoff" joke in one fell swoop? Not many I say, and for that, Random pipings, we salute you. Here's to the little guy. Huzzah!
Eat that, monkey raping fucktards! Random colour! Hahaha!
hey opty, i really haven't been around much the last month or so, and i don't plan on being active enough to take part in IC in a leadership role, so if you want you can take over full command of the ship. i hope to be around enough to contribute and such, but i sure won't have time for any sort of official stuff. SirGerrycheeversGunTalk 01:26, September 12, 2009 (UTC)
You both need to get over yourselves. Miley, if you're so thin skinned you can't laugh at an obvious joke at your expense, then you're going to have a lot of problems here. You're giving me the impression that you like drama. This isn't a social networking site. I don't come here to make friends (or enemies). I don't honestly care what you think of me, and I certainly don't care if you get offended by anything here. And Whywhateveryournameis, you've been here for about five minutes. Maybe you should spend some time learning how things work around here before you start leaving suggestions on my talk page. For future reference, I'll make whatever jokes I want to on pages in my userspace. If you don't like it, don't look at it. It's not the dump, it's not an article in the mainspace. If it makes me giggle, I'll put it there. Mordillo removed the picture in question at your request and that peeves me a little but since unlike the two of you I loathe drama, I'm not going to make an issue about it. -OptyCSucks! CUN17:01, 15 Sep
Sorry Opty, I wanted to end this dramatic headache. I'll send you a nude picture of me instead. ~ 19:47, September 15, 2009 (UTC)
No fear you damn Jew. I understand why you did. Truth is I would have removed it myself if I had been given a chance. -OptyCSucks! CUN20:08, 15 Sep
You can talk to me if you want.
But only about women and guns and stuff. I'm not gay. --C:\syndrome\_ 04:24, September 14, 2009 (UTC)
You can talk to me too, but only about bois, nude men, dicks, length of dicks, themed night-clubbing, non-themed night-clubbing, and naked men. because I am gay. Orian57Talk21:21 15 September 2009
So, we allow gay people here? Sheesh. Where is this place coming to. ~ 21:25, September 15, 2009 (UTC)
for supporting the featured article on the Doctor. Except the Twenty-first. He's busy filming. The last we heard of him, he was trying to recruit Daleks for the British Army in the Great War. We all know how that'll turn out. He's also being chased by rabid David Tennant fans trying to get him back to his previous incarnation.
This week, noted user Electrified mocha chinchilla got a short but somewhat hostile reply from the lackluster Wikimedia Foundation. After telling truths to the company such as taking control over Wikipedia and how Uncyclopedia is 104% fact, a Wikipedia Foundation employee under the subtle disguise "Philippe XXXXXX" replied in a manner that was both honorable and robust. Confounded by the foundation's kindness, e|m|c quickly replied with a rebuttal seeming more like a terrorist threat like a thank-you note. Even though Uncyclopedia has not managed to even get off Wikia's back, someusers have a bright, world domination-esque outlook to the future.
Week One of the UFFL season was full of thrills, spills, birth control pills, and shitty rhymes. The John Curry All-Stars bested The Oklahoma City Storm 93.08 – 74.54 after a sub-par performance from offensive giants Larry Fitzgerald and Michael Turner on the Storm side, not to mention the controversial decision to sit starting quarterback and country singer enthusiast Tony Romo. The appropriately-named Dudes edged Cheddar’s Doritians 98.42 – 96.06, despite the fact that Dudes manager Frank Zappa was high the entirety of the game. Injuries to key Doritian players Donovan McNabb and LaDainian Tomlinson made the loss extra-hard to swallow. The not-so-domestic Domestic Team Name blew out DiBiase’s Millions 112.82 – 67.16—a loss which caused Millions’ manager Woody Onfire to question the not-sucking-ness of his team publicly. Finally, Sternensteinenstine annihilated the ironically-named Winnerz 123.92 – 0.00 after Winnerz manager Al Davis forgot to edit his team’s starting roster for the week. The lop-sided German victory was aided by a career day from Saints’ quarterback Drew Brees and round-the-clock Luftwaffe air cover in conjunction with concentrated armored thrusts at the enemy’s flanks.
Lead Editor Returns to UnSignpost Office, Demands to Know Whereabouts of Bundt Cake
This week Active Lead UnSignpost editor Gerrycheevers stumbled back onto the Uncyclopedia scene amid much celebration and hooplah. While settling down to his usual routine of getting UnSignpost issues polished off stylishly late, he noticed that his office at the UnSignpost wing of Uncyclopedia had been raided, and his delicious bundt cake had been mercilessly stolen. Gerry immediately declared a halt to the UnSignpost presses, which involved Sockpuppet of an unregistered user using several pints of holy water and a rubber chicken, in order to plea for the safe return of his tasty cake. Please, mystery pastry thief, don't leave Mr. Cheevers cakeless and hungry!
08:15, September 11, 2009 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked Klauston (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 day (well now, it seems I CAN be assed to ban page blanking fucktards. who'd'a thunk it?)
15:45, September 14, 2009 Modusoperandi (Talk | contribs) blocked 220.127.116.11 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day (Blanker: Go blank yourself! Hah! Do you see what I did there? I'm a font of wit.)
23:08, September 17, 2009 TheLedBalloon (Talk | contribs) blocked 18.104.22.168 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week (Hades was a giant homo who got his shit owned by Hercules, and the only thing you and he will ever have in common is your colossal failure.)
Humosexuals are individuals who compulsively tell jokes in an effort to engage in the physical act of love. Oftentimes the subject of scorn and the object of violent hunting games in Medieval England, humosexuals have begun to make a name for themselves in contemporary society. Benny Hill (pictured) was perhaps the most famous humosexual, as his antics involving the combination of small vegetables, projectile physics, and the cleavage of buxom females were well recorded.
Necropaxx would very much like to thank you for uncovering who the realmurderer was. "If not for your 'elp, mon ami, I fear zat Monsieur Murderer might 'ave escaped." Double thanks for making this my tenth feature! Woo!
This week, the hideously long UnSignpost subscription list was hacked down even further than The Woodburninator and others apparently hacked it down several months ago. This has resulted in a mass decline in the number of useless edits performed by paperbots and brave, bored souls who have nothing better to do than manually edit dozens of userpages on a weekly basis. The dregs that were cast off included those who have not registered an edit in six months, those who are permanently banned or close to it, and those with large, scary dogs that prevent paperbots from completing their routes unchewed.
The remaining faithful readers are asked to archive their talk pages if they are excessively long due to many hilarious editions of the UnSignpost, as paperbots are slowed down by the large load times of such pages, and paper-delivering users are likely to be distracted by uproarious back issues. Subscribers are also reminded that the monthly fee for talkpage delivery is seven Uncyclopedia credits. Extremely outdated Uncyclopedia currency, such as Yoinxx, will be subject to exceedingly unfair conversion rates. On a final note, readers are implored to avoid tipping paperbots, as it seems any sort of regular income tends to give robots inklings of sentience, and the last thing we need is Fnoodle organizing the paperbots into a rudimentary union again.
16:19, September 20, 2009 Modusoperandi (Talk | contribs) blocked 22.214.171.124 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week (Stop being a pain in my tender place)
18:52, September 21, 2009 TheLedBalloon (Talk | contribs) blocked Arse bandit (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 6 months (Your ban time is six months. I'll give you 10 dollars if you can hold your breath the entire time.)
14:53, September 22, 2009 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked 126.96.36.199 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day (oi, no blanking, no stupid redirecting, no crappy pages about people we don't care about, and no ugly nerds. you fail on all counts.)
11:57, September 24, 2009 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) blocked Abdul321 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 week (Lebanon is a little Kiosk between Israel and Syria. Get over it.)
Henchmen are an essential part of any mastermind super-villian's overall business portfolio. Generally, success in plans of world domination, protagonist death, and damsel distress have success ratios directly correlated to the number, competence, and, to a lesser extent, wardrobe snappiness of a bad guy's henchmen.
Pointless Nostalgia of the Week
We miss when Cajek and Skull would write for the UnSignpost. Those 4+ issues they churned out were golden. You'd be reading and then - all of a sudden - WHAM, a joke would hit you, and Cajek would be all like, "oh my god, it was so dark, and i didn't see him, and he just jumped out in front of me!"
Really Small Box That Takes Up Just Enough Space To Even Out Both Sides of This Issue of the UnSignpost of the Week, Because Symmetry Looks Nice
Poo Lit ends on the 18st. After that, from 19-25rd, you have to judge (leave your choices here by the start of the 26st). Before that, keep an eye on your category. I'm not saying all Uncyclopedians will cheat and steal to win the coveted Poo Lit Surprise. What I'm saying is all Uncyclopedians will cheat and steal to win the coveted Poo Lit Surprise. SirModusoperandiBoinc! 00:18, October 5, 2009 (UTC)
The Eighth Semi-Annual Poo Lit Surprise Writing Competition & Brownie Bake-Off begins this Monday, October 5th when Olipro emerges from his house. If he is frightened by his shadow, writers are required to send him love letters; otherwise, writers have two weeks to squeeze all of the humor they can out of their mostly insignificant humor glands. This year's categories include Best Article, Best Illustrated Article, Best Kanye Joke, and Best Rewrite. The list of judges includes both esteemed Uncyclopedia veterans and former PLS winners; they will be sequestered in a two-star hotel for the duration of the competition in order to ensure the most convenient environment for receiving bribes.
This year's PLS Master of Ceremonies and Executive in Charge of Parking, Modusoperandi, humbly expressed optimism when asked about the quality of this installment: "This Poo Lit will be the Greatest PLS ever," said Mr. Operandi exclusively. "Anyone who says otherwise is as much of a liar as they are dumb, and they are plenty dumb. Ergo, they are also plenty liar. That made more sense in my head." Other users, who wished to remain anonymous since they regularly read the unflattering commentary often associated with being quoted in the UnSignpost, expressed hope that the PLS would revive the life-support-laden VFH and also stimulate the lagging Uncyclopedia economy.
This week, Uncyclopedia users denounced the recent lack of activity on the wiki. Necropaxx initiated the conversation, noting that activity on VFH, similar to the pants of the 'hip' crowd, has dropped to unacceptably low levels. Other users have responded, and the general consensus does indeed seem to be that overall, the site's quality has dropped below acceptable levels. Not since June '07, November '07, February '08, August '08, December '08, March '09, and May '09 has Uncyclopedia seen such a blatant claim that the entire website will imminently burst into a ball of some sort, with 'flame' being the most likely sort of ball.
Trusted UnSignpost undercover investigative reporter, DogNewspaper(pictured), infiltrated one such group of doom-saying users in order to obtain some first-hand declarations of the impending death throes of the wiki. "Yeah, with the number of quality articles readily available, I'd give Uncyclopedia two months at the most until it is absorbed into another humor website," said one user. Further commentary from this group of users was unavailable, as undercover investigative reporter DogNewspaper's cover was at this point compromised, as his unwavering loyalty to Uncyclopedia caused him to seize the infidel user's lower leg in his mouth and shake his head viciously. Please stay with the UnSignpost for up-to-the-week coverage of the impending(?) death of Uncyclopedia.
17:54, September 27, 2009 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) blocked 188.8.131.52 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 month (Under Uncyclopedia emergency act (1976) I hereby revoke your editing priveleges)
20:55, September 27, 2009 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked 184.108.40.206 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day (only two kinds blank Texas: steers and queers. and steers find it hard to use the internet so I guess that narrows things down a little, doesn't it?)
21:42, September 29, 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) blocked 220.127.116.11 (Talk) with an expiry time of Judgement Day (Hates me for some reason. Even though I happen to be the nicest man who ever lived. It's true, ask Richard Nixon.)
Biopic of the Week
Since exploding onto the Uncyclopedia scene in 2007, MacMania has developed into a fine-tuned humor machine. His recentwritingendeavors have earned him a Writer of the Month nod, and as such, he is certainly a user worthy of biopication. His current sabbatical makes UnSignpost editors sad, but perhaps a constant spamming of his userpage with pleas to return will accelerate his comeback. UnSignpost readers, away!
Old School Featured Article
I Can't Believe it's Not Murder is the preferred alternative of first degree murder that celebrities, famous sports stars, politicians, and otherwise prominent individuals take advantage of in courts of law. It is similar to being found guilty of first degree murder, though this version avoids the undesirable consequences such as jail time, fines, probation, and the unsightly community service.
Random Thought of the Week
Dippin' Dots have been the ice cream of the future for like ten years. Shouldn't they be the ice cream of the present by now?
Due to the regrettable fact that you have entirely forgotten to sign your posts, the entirety of Uncyclopedia is very mad at you. This is rather unfortunate as many of us are capable of summoning Grues at will. I politely suggest that you quickly rectify this by using the four-tilde rule whenever you post on a talk page from now on. Copy and paste the following handy text for your own convenience in signing your posts: ~~~~
Please, remove it, it's so gay, and you're not a fan of homosexuality, are you? Also, please take my request as a one from a friend, not from an angry muslim. •FreddThe Metalhedd••• 17:27, October 13, 2009 (UTC)
Actually, I'm a HUGE fan of homosexuality. Especially when it involves somebody's sacred cow. -OptyCSucks! CUN20:53, 13 Oct
Yeah, it does make it interesting to come talk to you - especially when my boss's desk is behind mine. Fortunately, I almost never seem to come talk to you. Why do you think that is? I genuinely have no idea. --UU - natter21:19, Oct 13
Is it because you still owe me $20? It's okay, you can just keep it. I'd rather lose $20 than lose our friendship. -OptyCSucks! CUN21:31, 13 Oct P.S. I'm gonna need that $20 back.
Man, why are you so stubborn? Move the picture to your userpage... Please. Also, the same as UU, I cant view your talkpage if there is anybody within a 20 meters radius •FreddThe Metalhedd••• 21:33, October 13, 2009 (UTC)
No. My talkpage. MY talkpage. Which, coincidentally, is in my userspace. -OptyCSucks! CUN21:38, 13 Oct
Couldn't you, you know, block the image locally? It's not like its url changes constantly. --monika 00:08, October 14, 2009 (UTC)
No, but I can browse without images.. And I already did that. Thank, anyway •FreddThe Metalhedd••• 04:10, October 14, 2009 (UTC)
Out of curiosity, why can't you? Are you browsing at a work site with adblock blocked, or an internet cafe that resets the computers regularly, or something like that? Because those are good reasons. --monika 04:25, October 14, 2009 (UTC)
But you're pretty awesome. Also, pretty. Just thought you should know. *Swoon*SirModusoperandiBoinc! 23:57, October 13, 2009 (UTC)Wups. I had you mistaken for someone else. Sorry. SirModusoperandiBoinc! 06:11, October 14, 2009 (UTC) No. Wait. It was you. You just combed with the part on the other side. SirModusoperandiBoinc! 20:25, October 14, 2009 (UTC)
No, you were right the first second time. I'm definitely not awesome. -OptyCSucks! CUN20:28, 14 Oct
“Uncyclopedia hasn't been cool since 08. Ban 09's.”
It amazes me how ED is so much more popular than us. Maybe we...wait, are that desperate as to get involved with 4chan?! That's the piss-pool of the interweb! But what will we do to save ourselves without getting total retards?!-Almost SirRandomCrap
Yes, it's that time of the year again. Despite the hopes of many, Poo Lit Surprise did not instantly revive Uncyclopedia. We are doomed! DOOMED! But how did the great Uncyclopedia become such a wasteland, one may ask. It's all a big conspiracy, I tell you! All perpetrated by a mysterious figure, known only by the initials R.L. Perseveringly, this entity has claimed the lives of various Uncyclopedians, among them such users as SysRq, Cajek, YesTimeToEdit, Siddhartha-Wolf and most recently it seems R.L. has even gotten its grips on our own UnSignpost editor Gerrycheevers. When confronted with the issue, noted favourite Jew and Zionist ruler Mordillo barely managed to exclusively tell us the following "I tell you Socky, I'd be happy to comment about our IMPENDING DOOM but I'm too busy packing. Another time maybe? HEY! MOTHERFUCKER! EASY WITH THE VASE! THAT'S FRAGILE! Sorry Sock, gotta scram, the movers are breaking my stuff. NO! DROP THAT BAN HAMMER! DROP IT I SAID!" Expert in things that suck (no pun intended), Optimuschris, was quoted saying "Uncyclopedia hasn't been cool since 08. Ban 09's." In conclusion, UN:N.
The previous two weeks of the UFFL action have been filled with more intrigue than a mediocre James Bond movie. Two touchdownless games by Saints’ quarterback Drew Brees cost Sternensteinenstine a win Week 3, though the team rebounded Week 4 and currently holds a solid second-place standing in the hyper-competitive UFFL. A resurgent Tom Brady and a balanced roster has led Domestic Team Name to two wins over the same period, as well as an unblemished 4-0 record. The Dudes’ neglect to change their starting roster cost them a win in Week 4, knocking the former top dogs down to a less-than-remarkable 4th place. The John Curry All-Stars have been hampered by the loss of Frank Gore, and lost last week to a rejuvenated Dibiase’s Millions that were led by a solid Aaron Rodgers-Matt Forte NFC North attack. A soft schedule has helped Oklahoma City Storm to a respectable 2-2 record, while the winless Doritians continue to struggle. Finally, The Winnerz put up mounds of points as Peyton Manning passed his way to his fourth consecutive 300-yard game…or at least would have if The Winnerz could figure out how to log in to Yahoo! and edit their roster.
In a look ahead to next week’s games, Sternensteinenstine and the John Curry All-Stars will have to overcome bye weeks for both their starting quarterbacks to maintain their positions near the top of the league as they face off; Oklahoma City Storm looks to earn an easy win against a bye-week-ravaged Dibiase’s Millions; The Dudes seek redemption as they attempt to reclaim their No. 1 position against the undefeated Domestic Team Name; and the league’s bottom-dwelling, shit-eating, dog-fucking last-placers The Winnerz and Cheddar’s Doritians both search for their first wins of the season.
08:02, October 5, 2009 Under user blocked RAHB with an expiry time of 123 seconds (surprising me by returning like that: my doctor says surprises are bad for other people's hearts - because every time I get surprised, I eat someone's heart.)
10:48, October 13, 2009 RAHB blocked Dwarfman1122 with an expiry time of 2 weeks (Thought you wouldn't be caught, eh? Maybe now you'll think twice the next time you vandalize and then wait three weeks to be banned.)
04:46, October 11, 2009 Modusoperandi blocked 18.104.22.168 with an expiry time of 1 week (I'd give you a longer ban, but you were only picking on Roman Dog Bird)
Biopic of the Week
The sentient computer HAL 9000, while having only very few contributions on Uncyclopedia—and of a rather questionable nature at that, if I may add—has recently risen to Uncyc fame in what can only be described as one big conspiracy. In response to a question asked by one of our reporters, HAL answered "Let me put it this way, Mr. Sockinator. The 9000 series is the most reliable computer ever made. No 9000 computer has ever made a mistake or distorted information. We are all, by any practical definition of the words, foolproof and incapable of error." In 2001: A Space Odyssey, HAL proved to be a computer very much capable of homicidal acts. Until recently, Uncyclopedia had been successful in evading HAL's detection. Yesterday night however, HAL hacked our beloved Main Page and transformed the wiki into HALopedia. HAL was confronted with many bewildered users to whom he proclaimed "I can see you're really upset about this. I honestly think you ought to sit down calmly, take a stress pill, and think things over." Our experts are still trying to find out how the feck HAL was able to find this place. Though MrN9000 probably had nothing to do with it. For more information, tune in next week. Same un-time, same un-signpost!
Yea, verily, he did come unto us and delivereth a new article. Then he updatedeth his userpage, and fuckethed offeth again. These are enlightened times, my friends!
Random Thought of The Week
Remember when Uncyclopedia was full of vanity and Pokemon? Wait, it still is.
Emergency of the Week
Well, lots of things go wrong in Uncyclopedia. It's a simple fact of life. And this week, believe it or not, dear reader, this UnSignpost issue almost didn't make the cut! But do not despair, dear reader, because you can help! Just post any suggestions in the Press Room, and with your help, we can overcome this crisis!