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Coat of Arms. The elephant represents the average Bolton female and to the left and right are the favoured indigenous pet, the dogcat.

This article is about the metropolis of Bolton. For other Boltons please see the Bolton Discombobulation page.

Bolton is a town in the North West of England. It had a population of 139,403 according to the 2001 Census, and the wider borough a population of 264,800.

edit Origins of the Name

Following a referendum in 1984 the town voted to change its name from Uttercods Wallop en le Croal, a name with roots in Anglo Saxon times and mentioned in the Doomsday Book, in an attempt to present a trendy new impression. After much discussion by the council a shortlist was drawn up of potential names that would reflect modern a go ahead image based on popular icons. Manilow (after Barry) was rejected at an early point in the process for obvious reasons. Shaw (after Sandy) was a strong contender until someone pointed out it had already been snapped up by a community just outside Oldham. On trade descriptions and copyright grounds a court rejected various attempts at Paris, New York, Rio, Bali, and London. Eventually, after noting the typical haircut of the average male and female resident, a decision was made to rename the town after Michael Bolton. Mr Bolton initially objected but when the town promised to erect a statue in his honour he relented. Unfortunately the statue was to be funded entirely by public donation and to date insufficient has been raised. As of 2006 the fund stood at £2.52 including compound interest since 1984.

edit Industrial Revolution

Bolton was at the heart of the industrial revolution in the 18th Century. Samuel Crompton, a native of the Hall-i'-th'-Wood district, invented the Spinning Mule, an improvement over the already revolutionary Spinning Jenny. The problem with the Spinning Jenny was that Jenny, also known as Mrs Eckerslike and a well known music hall act in her day, had become very giddy and was falling over on a regular basis.

The Spinning Mule, actually misnamed as it originally used pure breed ponies, replaced Mrs Eckerslike with a more sustainable resource as they were easily bred from whereas Mrs Eckerslike had passed menopause. However, the ponies were reluctant to keep spinning of their own accord, preferring to stop every couple of minutes to graze. To overcome this Crompton devised a large turntable upon which the pony could stand, munching on a hay bale conveniently placed in front of it. The turntable was then spun using a team of local labourers. This was an incredible development – a spinning mule or pony that did not have to spin itself.

Since England at the time had a dearth of Jennys but a plentiful supply of mules and ponies the idea caught on very quickly and before long the entire North of England was saturated with equine animals atop turntables. There were two major flaws in the design however. First a mule or pony on a rapidly spinning turntable doing what mules or ponies do when the hay reaches the bowel resulted in a great deal of splatter and spoilage to the clothing of the labourers turning the turntable. As a side effect, this triggered a vast expansion of the soap trade that eventually resulted in the foundation of the Unilever multinational. Secondly no-one ever worked out how you could produce anything other than dirty laundry from the invention. By 1784, just five years after it was invented, the Spining Mule was superceded by the power loom and Crompton went into the manure trade.

In later life Crompton became a largely unsuccessful explorer. He led several expeditions into the African continent in search of the missing n and e in Hall-i'-th'-Wood but came back empty handed each time. To this day the missing letters, thought to have been exchanged for two sheep and a camel in the 13th century, have never been recovered. Bolton Council has a permanent researcher assigned to the task who can be contacted at the town hall by anyone with information.

Bolton embraced the power loom and the concept of dark satanic mills with a vengeance, managing to cover every square inch of green and pleasant land with these monuments to Victorian ingenuity and profit making. With the decline of the textile industry in England most of the mills have now been demolished and replaced with nice grey tin sheds housing DIY superstores and supermarkets but one or two remain to serve the dwindling population of dark satanic millers.

edit Demographics

  • 97% - People with funny accents who say t’ instead of to
  • 2% - Posh people who live in the Lostock area
  • 34% - People who failed mathematics at school

edit Religion

edit Language

The official language of Bolton is English and this is taught in all local schools. Whilst, if you talk very loudly and very slowly, most residents will understand most forms of English, the first language of most Boltonians is a dialect of Mancunian.

edit Useful words

  • Ad - Had
  • An - And
  • C-yaah - Goodbye or See You
  • I-yaah –. Universal greeting. Corruption of Hi You
  • Klowse – Close
  • Me - My
  • Noo – No
  • Pants – Trousers, like the Americans
  • T’ - to
  • Ta – Thanks
  • Thospical – Hospital
  • Wagon – Lorry or truck
  • Wanker – Person not born and bred in Bolton
  • Wi - With
  • Yaah - You
  • [short hiccup] - the

edit Useful Phrase for Tourists

  • I-yaah, I’m a wanker, can yaah tell me [short hiccup] way t’ thospical. I’ve ad a klowse miss wi a wagon an shat me pants. Ta. – Hello, I’m not local, can you tell me the way to the hospital. I’ve had a close miss with a lorry and am suffering with shock. Thanks.

edit Economics

Bolton is one of the more deprived boroughs in England according to the Indices of Deprivation 2000. A third of the Borough's population lives in seven wards which are amongst the 10% most deprived in England. To overcome the poverty Bolton Council has instituted a programme of abolishing the wards affected and therefore not counting the residents in any surveys. According to the local plan, by 2020 the target is to ignore at least 85% of poor residents for statistical purposes and therefore become the least deprived borough in England.

The world’s first international conglomerate, Lever Bros now Unilever, originated in Bolton. The legacy remains in the names of local districts such as Little Lever, Great Lever, and Middling Sort Of Lever but the soap mines have long since been completely exhausted. The only evidence of their once dominant existence in these areas comes during heavy rains when suds rise to the surface making it very slippery and a danger to pedestrians and motor vehicles.

Another major multinational, Reebok, also has its origins in Bolton. The company retains a strong presence in the town due to the Premiership football club stadium being named “The Reebok”. The company’s fortunes are based on running shoes, something in strong demand with those born in the town and who can’t drive. Running is the most popular sport locally and the usual variation is to see how far you can get before the plods (police) catch you.

Currently the major employer in the town is Nancy’s Tea and Bacon Sandwich Mobile Cafe located in a car park just north of the town centre. Nancy is thinking about getting another trailer to meet demand in the south of the town and which is predicted to bring a further 6 jobs to the area, running 7 days a week, late opening on Fridays and Saturdays. It appears that Bolton’s economic fortunes are about to rise once again.

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