User:OMGwhatHaveIdone/Broom Hulda Clark
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|This Piss is being Reviewed.|
Great great grand pope of the church endorses these lols
Broom Hulda Clark is the Queen of Bug Zappers, One day through great concentraited effort of medititation to the sound of frying bugs she realized she could heal sores and cure insomnia and manifest liefterations (life-ter-a-shuns) through the sound waves of the fried bugs and thus she commited to inventing "The soundwaverolater" device meant to do all of the afore mentioned stuff written.
edit Hippo Clark Who
Broom Hulda Clark (born 1882, D 1972) Born of an Southern Arkanss miner and a west virginian woman ,"Sally mae susan Broom Hulda Clark" was the first generation of non related birth in generations of that region. Her mother Sally Mae was known for her pies in her Native County till she fled from her arranged marrige to her cousin uncle cletus to the great bible state of GOD LOVES arkansas. Broom Watser was 4th generation born of the watser clan and first to distil fine vapors after the reapeal of the pro-habition.
Named after both of her parents the name Hulda is thought to of been unintentionaly put there by the transcriber of Brooms X.
edit Young life and early happenings
Clark wasn't like all the other girls in school when he was growing up. Often she could be found pluging knives and forks into electrical sockets. She quickly racked up some heavy repair bills and misdermenor vandalism charges. Pyschoactive drugs were presctribed to control her behaviors. Broom Hulda Clark spent the next formative years communicating with wildlife and fruit faries as she learned their secret ways of nature, what mushrooms NOT to eat, and how to make magic potions like Super Sucker Fluid(ssf). But the day came when the good forest creatures insisted that she continue in her quest to find that what which was called "a shower".
edit notiable changes and praying mantis time
Upon reaching the magical age of puberty the woodland elves and forest faries cast Clark out of thier enchanted kingdom for stinking up the place in new and unwanted ways. Cast out to the jersey shore, Broom Hulda Clark , drifted up and down the beaches sleeping on benchs for several weeks. In the summer of 32' She met and moved in with a middle agged little man who owned a a Van, large tent, and A bug zapper.
As the years passed Broom Hulda learned that she had become what is known as "common law" married to the owner of the tent. Her children also informed her that they needed names. Upon prayer to the higher power of her own understanding, Broom heard the CPS van taking custody of her children realiving her of that burdden to focus on the inner mysteris of why bugs stopped flying when they touched Milos' magic light.
In the summer of 1960 Broom hulda was helpping a praying mantis to reach the light when she inadvertanly touched the light itself which, began her first lieftersation.
After resisitation by paramedicials she learned the tent owner had died attempting to unplug the Zapper, Unfortunitly the shoody outlets and poor cord conditio0ns lead to direct contact which resulted in his immediate alternative life expereice.(Not to be confused with a lieftersation)
edit Accreditation to sainthood
Upon the untimlimly death of mile oatis (the beach bum) the university of california bought the body from broom hulda clark for scientific research. With that money she bought a van and begun to travel north america preaching about the church of zapping. By keeping the protostype of the fried original bug zapper Broom Hulda was able to share it with many different men. Some of those men noticed that upon close inspection of both the bug zapper and Ms Clark that a general happier feeling overcame them. Some of the nobel learned mens even begun to leave post it notes on the table of bug the zapper describing their findings of their inspections. The whackiest most indescribable notes were associated to times when Ms Clark had it pluged in.
- Thus it was concluded that holding bug zappers could make one feel better for limited amounts of time. After holding the healing bug zapper over
and over again people begun to crave the expect dose of zaptation that they had become physicaly dependent upon. Mandatory subsizadition[Showing results for subsidization] became nessesary to accomidate the obscene demand for healer zappers. The Cult of Alientology was particularly fond of the liefteration interation initiation. In exchange for allowing them to make a replica of her device they taught her the secerts of non profit incorperation, Upon 501c Acceptence Broom Hulda Clark was nominated and confirmed to saint hood by her loyal followers.Several devoute followers celebrated with illegal narcotics and public fornication.
edit On the lamb from the law
Upon fleeing arrest for possesion of illegal narcotics and public fornication Broom Hulda and her followers made their way to mexico where public zapification was not frowned upon or misinterpreted for fornication. A la hacenida was erected by the followers and Bug Zappers were set out for 3 days in celebration of the victory in freedom.
edit life after death as a super zombie
The corpse of broom hulda clark is not actully dead but merely sleeps in a restive state living on forever without the need for nutrion or elimination. She contines to communie daily with her followes via the mentalapathic link maintained with her choosen church leader via the new and improved soundwaveolator3000