From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|Crazy Clown Airlines|
|Hubs||Reno International Airport|
|Secondary hubs||Las Vegas International Airport|
|Focus cities||Reno International Airport|
Las Vegas International Airport
|Frequent flyer program||Clownin' Around Frequent Flyer|
|Member lounge||The Big Top|
|Company slogan||Pie in the Sky!|
|Key people||Bozo the Clown (CEO)|
Crazy Clown Airlines is the flag carrier of the casino chain "Circus Circus." Nicknamed "Monty Python's Flying Circus" and "Snakes on a Plane," the airline is based in Reno, with its main hub at Reno International Airport. It is the largest airline that specializes in flying costumed entertainers and gamblers to gaming establishments, and is the oldest continuously operated airline in the world that is affiliated with a clown-themed casino. Crazy Clown Airlines' headquarters is located in the Circus Circus Casino in Reno, Nevada, USA.
Crazy Clown Airlines was founded in Reno, Nevada on October 13, 1929, as "Krazy Klown Kraft" by the revered mime known as Ponzo the Clown. However, Ponzo quickly realized the unfortunate connotations of the company's abbreviation, "KKK," and changed the name to Crazy Clown Airlines. The airline's first aircraft was a TK421 Flying Pie Tin. In June 1959 Crazy Clown Airlines entered the jet age when the first Bozo 747 Dumbo Jet was delivered.
In the 2000's, Crazy Clown Airlines has taken the lead as the commercial carrier for fun and laughs. When other airlines took on a somber tone and increased security in the wake of 9/11, Crazy Clown Airlines remained committed to increasing its "fun factor" by dressing up one flight attendant in Islamic garb and throwing cream pies at him during every flight. Although this led to outcries from the Muslim community, the airline saw its stock prices soar at a time when many other airlines faced or even underwent bankruptcy due to diminished travel rosters.
Company affairs and identity
Crazy Clown Airlines' headquarters are located in in the penthouse suite of the Circus Circus casino high rise in downtown Reno, Nevada. All executives and support staff are required to wear full clown regalia during working hours in the offices. The company CEO, Bozo the Clown, can be seen taking a private helicopter from a trampoline air pad mounted on the penthouse roof seven days a week - he is an admitted workaholic (and alcoholic).
Clown Outreach Initiatives
Crazy Clown Airlines, through its Ringling Brothers Bus Line subsidiary, has some links with the the Clown Capital of the World - Baraboo, Wisconsin. As of 2011, the company and its subsidiary have run a "Clown Cars for Kids" initiation program wherein professional clowns donate the clown cars to underprivileged children and midgets. The company also donates 1% of its profits every year to deaf-mute care facilities, and supplies company-trained mimes to help residents of the facilities get a (silent) laugh out of their otherwise tedious treatment regimens.
Crazy Clown Airlines uses a promotional animation on its website of clowns getting sprayed in the face with chest-pinned flowers as a way of offering in-flight internet services on its fleet of Bozo 747 Dumbo Jets. The airline also advertises heavily on the late-night local cable access networks, employing the adage that "flying is no laughing matter, but is should be!"
Crazy Clown Airlines flies to 3 domestic destinations: Reno, Las Vegas, and Atlantic City. These happen to be the three American cities that contain Circus Circus casinos. The company is currently considering adding Baraboo, Wisconsin as a new destination, but the economic feasibility of such a route remains under study.
Crazy Clown Airlines has in the past decade branched out into providing aircraft to the military industrial complex. Customers include the United States Air Force and Libya. Products include a stealth military cargo plane, the "Silent but Deadly," as well as a clown-sized fighter jet whose size makes it difficult to shoot down. Helicopters that can airdrop up to 10,000 ninja clowns are also in development.
Crazy Clown Airlines' military craft are equipped with a range of the latest technology in clown warfare, including "dirty" cream pie bombs, car-sized water balloon projectiles, explosive giant shoes, and delayed-detonation surface-to-air clown noses that make a "honking" noise upon impact. Other weapons in the experimental stages of research and development include acid-spraying vest flowers, hand buzzers that deliver 10,000 kilowatt shocks to victims, and armor-piercing nuclear rockets.
As of May 2011, Crazy Clown Airlines operate 13.5 aircraft, all of which consist of Bozo 747 Dumbo Jets. The jet planes utilize the latest in clown technology, such as being able to cram 8,453 passengers into a space meant to accommodate only 350 people, and being able to take off and land successfully from a runway covered in banana peels.
Crazy Clown Airlines has several types of in-flight entertainment available on its aircraft. Across the fleet, the in-flight experience is referred to as "Clownin' Around". Flight attendants dressed as - what else, clowns! - roam the cabin making blowing up animal balloons, throwing cream pies, honking their noses, juggling bowling pins, and reciting Shakespeare. There is also an "adults only" segment of the show where are children in the cabin are blindfolded, and the adults can see the flight attendants "doing it clown-style."
All Crazy Clown Airlines cabins come equipped with copies of an in-flight magazine entitled "Send in the Clowns!". The magazine, along with a travel blog featuring comments and vaudeville routines created by frequent flyers, is online at www.crazyclownair.com.
In-flight mobile phone trial
Crazy Clown Airlines announced in April 2011 that it would host a trial for use of mobile telephones with Clown-Connections during domestic services for three months on a Bozo 747. During the trial, however, it turned out that passengers had simply been given large red plastic gag phones with string cords, and which sprayed water from the earpiece when dialed. Passengers complained and the airlines' CEO posted a terse reply on the company's website: "We are Crazy Clown Airlines. What did you expect?"
First Class - Classy Clown
First class is known as "Classy Clown" and features leather-filled polka-dotted bean bags for seats. Sexy clown flight attendants cater to every comedic whim of the passengers and provide miniature circus animals (live) as in-flight domestic companions to the disabled and blind.
Business class - Hobo Clown
Business class is offered on all Crazy Clown Airline flights. Flight attendants dress as Hobo Clowns in this part of the cabin and constantly spill water on passengers while offering unrequested face painting services.
Economy class - Dumbo Style
Economy class is available on all mainline passenger aircraft. Passengers ride hanging from a cargo net under the fuselage will full-size circus animals such as baby elephants and giraffes.
- Mile High-Wire Club - First Place, 2009
- Elephant Train Recognition - Second Place, 2007, 2010
- Best Bat Fuck Insane Airline, 1947-2011
Crazy Clown Airlines has suffered only one crash in its entire history. On February 2, 1977, a Crazy Clown Airlines Dumbo Jet was forced to make an emergency landing in the Great Salt Lake in Utah, after it turned out that a on-ground technician had fueled the craft with helium instead of petrol. Everybody on the flight - crew and passengers - perished in a ball of flames, screaming in the most high-pitched voices imaginable. The airline recovered economically from the debacle, but it took almost two decades before this happened.
The second stain on the airline's history came in 1998, when a harlequin by the name of "Sad Clown" alleged that Crazy Clown Airlines refused to hire her as a flight attendant based on discriminatory, anti-harlequin hiring practices. A lawsuit was filed but was subsequently settled for an undisclosed amount. Crazy Clowns Airlines admitted to no wrongdoing, but did describe the legal proceedings as "hilarious."