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edit I am Earl, but I am not that Earl
Ladies and gentlemen, my esteemed colleagues and dearest friends, it grieves me to be here tonight, but this is part of my 12-step program and I must make amends. But first, I find it imperative that I clear up some grave misconceptions about my life and times. Please bear with me as I do so.
edit I do NOT wear a "white trash" mustache
It seems I am forever being confused with this other "Earl" fellow, whose hijinks and antics never fail to entertain American television audiences on a weekly basis. I am not him, and I do not sport the large bristle-brush mustache that he wears. I do not even wear a mustache, although in full keeping with a man of my rank an honor, I do wear a monocle.
edit I do NOT Live in a Trailer Park
This other "Earl" fellow, it would seem he lives in some sort of conglomeration of prefabricated homes that can be towed on the back of lorries, and then set in a neighbourhood called a "trailer park." Well, all of you fine people who have been to Earnshaw Manor know that my modest 16th Century Tudor mansion of 23 rooms can hardly be called a palace, but I must say that it is no mere quibbling when I protest that I do NOT live in a trailer park. Earnie the Groundskeeper assured my just yesterday before I took my afternoon tea that my abode is the farthest from the sort.
I know, I know, Don Quixote was of the minor nobility and he had his peasant Sancho Panza to help him on his exploits, but I am not a man worthy of a 16th Century classic Spanish novel, or any novel really. And I certainly do not have an obese village-idiot friend who serves as my foil when trying to make amends through my 12-Step program. I am not one for "sidekicks," as some would say. Not like this other "Earl," chap, apparently.
edit I do NOT have a bat-shit-insane ex-wife who spoils my daily plans
This other "Earl" would seem to have a former wife who appears like a half prosthetic prostitute, always showing up at inopportune time to ruin whatever plans Earl has on his schedule. I have no such wife. Nay, many would say I am a confirmed bachelor, although I will admit that I have had my eye on Countess Van Tassle for some time now.
edit So, my friends, I am sorry for my wrongs
Again, thank you all for your patience. Now that you are sure of who I am not and what I have not done, I must come to the extremely difficult part and seek forgiveness for my actual transgressions. Hello, my name is Earl, and I have done wrong.
edit To my dearest sister, I apologize for the "Tea Incident"
My dear Margaret, it pains to to see your visage and recall how last week I was 15 minutes late for teatime, and all because I was caught up playing Whist with some other gentlemen down at the Village Green. I do apologize and hope you will forgive me.
edit =To the Queen, sorry about the crack cocaine =
To the Queen, I must in the most heartfelt manner possible apologize for the incident of the crack cocaine this 14th of January last. I have since trimmed my coke nail and destroyed the crack pipe. It will not happen again, I swear to it.
edit To Nelson Mandela, Sorry about the Bathroom
Sir President, you are a credit to your country, the world and your race. No mere words can ever absolve me for what I did in your bathroom. Only time will fade the horrors of Nelson Mandela's Bathroom, and I pray for that day to come with godspeed.