User:Nicklo2k/England football

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“If I had a Penny for every time someone said that I should be England Manager, I'd have two pence.”
~ David Pleat on England
“Not qualified? What do you mean not fucking qualified! What the fuck happened? We gave Israel a nuke to beat those commie bastards, but we couldn't beat those fucking Croatians!?! That's it. McClaren is banished. You here me? He's fucking banished. Send that stupid ginger cunt to Australia.”
~ Queen Elizabeth II on England

England is a proud footballing nation who play their home matches at Wembley Stadium.

edit History

England recorded there one and only major competition win in the 1966 World Cup. The competition was held in England, as a result of the then Prime Minister Bernard Manning bribing everyone in the FIFA cabinet. England's group matches consisted of easy wins over Zambia (FIFA Ranked 156th in the world), Bethlehem (FIFA Ranked 327th in the world), and Ronald McDonald's select XI (FIFA Ranked 92nd in the world).

In the Quarter-Finals they were drawn to face the mighty Portuguese. However, owing to an outbreak of the Ebola virus at the Portuguese hotel, only 3 Portuguese players were fit to play. England brushed aside the Portuguese challenge with a convincing 1-0 victory.

In the Semi-Finals, England had to play against the reigning champions of the universe Brazil. After a successful car-bombing campaign, Brazil agreed to let England progress unopposed into the finals. 9 Brazilian players lost their lives, in what is known in footballing circles as "Happy Monday".

In the Final, England faced a rematch of World Wars I and II against West Germany. This match was always going to lead to problems. The England ticket office sold 30,000 tickets to German Fans. The problem was that the tickets were for Crufts Dog Show. The Programmes were all printed on recycled Nazi Propaganda. The Scoreboard before the game read: England 0 Nazi Scumbags 0. Instead of the German team standing for their National Anthem, they were treated to the Theme Music to Dad's Army. In a show of solidarity, the entire England team walked onto the pitch sporting Hitler style moustaches. This enraged the German players enough to cause them to remove their beach-towels from the England Dugout and attempt to "Flick" their opposition.

Once the referee had managed to calm things down, the match kicked off. It finished 2-2, after 3 disallowed German goals, 2 pitch invasions by the Royal Family, 7 War-Criminal accusations, a temporary ban on all Germans touching the ball (with the score at 2-0 to Germany) and 248 minutes injury time (until England equalised). In extra-time one of Footballs most controversial moments ever occurred. With the score poised at 2-2, Geoff Hurst burst free of the German defense and unleashed a ferocious shot which trickeled into the German Goalkeeper's hands. As the German Goalkeeper attempted to clear the ball, a group of England fans attacked him with umbrellas. After the stewards had assisted in the assault, the fans were escorted from the pitch. Then the Russian Linesman flagged to alert the Referee that he needed to use the toilet. The referee misinterpreted this signal and awarded England a goal. This caused the Germans to complain to the Referee, which in turn led to more war criminal accusations. In the end the referee refused to change his mind and the goal stood. Shortly after this, with only seconds to go Geoff Hurst burst free of the German Back-Line. As he bore down on goal, a few England fans mistakenly thought that the game had finished. They began to walk onto the pitch, prompting Commentator Kenneth Walthamstow to deliver this famous line: "Here's Hurst. He's got.....some people are on the pitch! They think it's all over......they're fucking stupid. The referee should stop this game and just hand it to the Germans. This has been a travesty of a football match, and I'm ashamed to call myself Engl.....". The quote ends here because the Queen Mother slit his throat with a straight razor. The match ended 4-2 to England, who went on to lose in every competition they played in afterwards.

edit Modern History

After the appointment of Steve McClaren to Head Coach in 2006, England Failed to qualify for Euro 2008. There are many questions as to why the FA decided to name McClaren as Head Coach when there were so many talented people who wanted the job. Rumours persist that McClaren posessed photographic evidence of Ashley Cole in a compromising position with Brian Barwick which he used to blackmail the FA, however this has never been proven. After the appalling failiure of the 2008 qualifying campaign and with the public baying for his immediate castration, the FA sacked McClaren. After an exhaustive search proved fruitless, the FA devised a TV show called "Manager Idol". The show proved a massive hit with audiences, and led to the nailbiting finale between Jose Mourinho and Fabio Capello. Capello won after Mourinho was heard to remark that he was "Bigger than Jesus". Capello has yet to take charge of a single England Match. However, because he is being paid £75,000 an hour, England Fans know that the team will suceed.

edit Current Team

1. Paul "Butter Fingers" Robinson: After an initial good start to his England career, Robinson has fallen out of favour recently. This is due in part to conceeding 46 goals in his last 3 England games.

2. Micah Richards An athletic and skillfull player, FIFA are examining his passport closely. He is unlike and other player in the England Squad, in that there is no ammunition for mocking or ridiculing him. Fair play to the lad.

3. Cashley Cole The bastard son of Old King Cole, Ashley is the only practicing Homosexual in the England first team. His split from Arsenal football club was a messy affair. He was left-back at Highbury, whilst the rest of the team moved to the Emirates stadium. This prompted Jose Mourinho to sign him for £40 zillion plus Billy Gallas. Since moving to Chelsea, he has attempted to quash the Gay Rumours that follow him by marrying Cheryl Tweedy. This appears to be a marriage of convenience, because he is gay and she is racist (Tweedy was found guilty of murdering a black woman outside a nightclub in 2005, and was convicted of taking an active part in the Aparthied).

4. Steven "Hawking" Gerrard After a string of injuries in his earlier career (hence the nickname) Gerrard has become an integral part of the England Setup. With his work rate of twice the normal player (which is handy due to "Fat Frank"s lack of any workrate) Gerrard always seems to outperform his teammates in meaningless friendlies. Unfortunatley, Steven suffers from "Big Game Syndrome" which causes him to play like a blind retarded monkey when ever England find themselves in a tough spot.

5. Rio Ferdinand Rio studied Hypnotism for years before becoming a profesional footballer. This allows him to completely switch off for large portions of matches. It is also responsible for his completely brain-dead appearence in all interviews. He has the charisma of a sponge. He started his own TV show Rio's Football Wind-Ups shortly before the 2006 World Cup (When he should have been training and concentrating on his football). The show was cancelled after one episode after the producers realised that he had no talent.

6. John Terry Whilst some Brazillians have no first name, Englands captain has no last. Harder than bulletproof cheese, Terry has made a name for himself by showing reckless disregard for his own body. He was committed of assault in early 2007, when during the Carling Cup final he visciously assaulted Abou Diaby's foot with his face. Despite having all the ability on the ball as Optimus Prime with a severe case of rust, Terry has become a permanent fixture in the England defence.

7. Owen Hargreaves This Welsh born, Canadian raised, German trained Englishman is a tireless midfield machine. His stamina levels are unchartable by normal means. Scientists theorise that his inhuman ability to keep running may stem from his ridiculously dated hairstyle.

8. "Fat Frank Lampard" A crossover between the Mitchalin man and Mr Bun the Baker, "Fat Frank" has been amazing Chelsea fans for nearly a decade. Whilst SAS Training allows him to completely dissappear for large periods of matches, by smearing "blessed" horse-shit all over himself "Fat Frank" enjoys the luck of the devil. Almost every shot he takes will deflect off at least 3 players before wrongfooting the goalkeeper (Normally a Stevie Wonder Impersonater" and trickeling over the line. "Fat Frank" is Chelsea's alltime leading goalscorer, leading many pundits to wonder who the fuck did Chelsea have before him.

9. "The Missing Link" Wayne Rooney With all the self control of Charles Manson and all the looks of Jackie Stallone, England's little saviour is a bonafied psychopath. His monstrous appearence is due to his mother being a baboon and his father being a troll. His murderous tempermant is due to being constantly beaten as a child by his teachers for his inability to grasp simple mathmatics (1 yellow card + 1 yellow card = 1 red card). He was described as a child as being "too ugly for even a blind catholic priest). Despite not being able to drive, Wayne owns over 2000 hubcaps. If you want to buy your car stereo back, Wayne is the right scouser to see.

10. Michael Owen Closed due to injury.

11. Joe Cole Described as a "Brazillian born in London" by some members of the press (normally by retarded ones), Joe Cole is the only member of the England Team who can actually dribble the ball (as opposed to Cashley Cole, who dribbles other men's spunk). Unfortunatley, Joe is unable to pass the ball to anyone on his own team.

edit Other Squad/Promising Players

Scott Carson Rumoured to be England's next number 1, until an unfortunate accident led to him conceding 3 goals against Croatia.

Gary Neville "Chamberlain" With all the charm of a brick, this rock-hard Manc enjoys a "non-sexual" relationship with David Beckham. Since David has left the country Gary's performances have dropped leading to speculation as to whether he is suffering from a broken heart.

Steven Taylor A solid defender with no natural ability on the ball. Basically a younger version of John Terry.

Wayne "Stamford" Bridge An Englishman with a left foot? Surely not. Must be a typo.

Leighton "Buzzard" Baines Another one! Will never play for England because Cashley Cole is rumoured to be a good defender.

Chinedum Onouha Born in Nigeria, named on Jupiter and brought up in Manchester, this English defender is athletic and talented. Shame he's been called up by the Nigerian FA.

Ledley "The" King As good at tackling as Elvis, Ledley gets injured more often than Mohammed Ali trying fine Needle-Point. Holds the record for being the only player in national football to have fouled and injured himself.

Phil Neville "Longbottom" Retarded at Man U, rejuvunated at Everton. Phil has no natural talent, but makes up for it with sheer determination and anger.

Gareth "Why the fuck don't I get picked over Lampard" Barry Yet another natural left-footer not in the team, Barry is able to do the simple side of being a midfielder. He can pass, he can tackle and he can shoot. Unfortunatley he can't get in the side ahead of "Fat Frank". Many historians believe this stems from the fact that he plays for Aston Villa.

Jermaine Jenas Described as a "box-to-box" midfielder. Unfortunatley, he's shit in both boxes.

David Beckham Despite retiring from football and moving to America to work as a 9ft tall Micky Mouse in Disney Land California, Beckham continues to be picked in England Squads.

Ashley Young Fantastic dribbler and pacy runner, Young can't get into the England team because everyone knows that only one Englishman capable of dribbling is allowed on the pitch at one time. At the moment that spot is taken by Joe Cole.

David Bentley "Continental" Can dribble. Can shoot. Can pass. Just can't committ (ask Stuart Pearce).

Tom Huddlestone A great passer of the ball, unfortunatley has the work-rate of an anemic sloth.

Peter Crouch"ing Tiger, Hidden Dragon" Result of an experiment to combine the DNA from Martin Keown, Plug from the Bash Street Kids, and a giraffe. Peter has all the heading ability of David Blunkitt. But he has a good touch for a big lad.

Jermaine "Willem" Defoe He can shoot. That's it. He can shoot.

Billy "Goat" Sharp One to watch for the future. Has all the potential to be a great player. Needs to leave Sheffield United first, though (The only reason that he moved there is so that when he scores the tabloids can have a field day with headlines like "Blades looking Sharp" and so forth).

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