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A Cowboy Hat is a hat with a broad brim and tall, pointy top. It was often worn by Ole' West Cowboys, as well as Ole' West Claim Jumpers, Sharp Shooters, Barbers, and anyone else who was jealous of how awesome the Cowboys looked and how many Ole' West ladies they got. Cowboy Hats are made of, among other materials, felt, leather, weaved straw, or uniweb (see armor). Aspiring cowboys are only allowed to wear plastic or wooden versions.
The Invention of the Cowboy Hat
The Cowboy Hat is a famous example of survival of the fittest and Serendipity. Back in 1245, many Cowboys wore a hat similar to hats men in barbershop quartets wear today. They called these "cowboy hats". Now because horses were not introduced to the Americas, let alone the Old West, until the 1500's, cowboys spent most of their time throwing their hats like frisbees. Of course, there was always the occasional shootout, and in one of these fights, a cowboy named Two-Shot Sammy was injured by Deadeye Donald. Two-Shot shot at Deadeye, but missed (living up to his name), and Deadeye shot a saloon sign and it fell on top of Sammy. When the rubble was cleared, Two-Shot Sammy was declared dead, before the attending doctors realized he was breathing and moving. He recovered, except for a limp, broken arm, but the top of his hat had been smashed so that the two prongs of the modern day cowboy hat appeared. This, of course, ruined the aerodynamics of the hat, but Sammy didn't mind, because he couldn't throw it with a limp arm.
All the other cowboys laughed at his "stewpid lookin' hayt" [sic]. However, one day, when the other cowboys were throwing their hats back and forth, they realized the ladies didn't care about how well or how far they could throw hats; rather, all the women were admiring Sammy's hot, non-throwable hat. All the other cowboys proceeded to smash their hats like Sammy's, and the modern cowboy hat was born.
Uses of the Cowboy Hat
The cowboy hat is the Swiss Army Knife of hats. It serves a plethora of uses to not only the cowboys, but to onlookers as well.
Because of the countless hours cowboys spend in the sun, the cowboy hat must provide shade to the cowboy. Some cowboys prefer a minimalist approach to shade, but others wear a hat with a brim up to 25 ft. in diameter, in order to "provide full coverage".
The cowboy hat is the sexiest of all hats, besides maybe the tophat. Many women would marry cowboys based on the size, coloring, and material of the cowboy hat. Waitresses in Ole' West Saloons often gave cowboys with 'purty' hats an extra shot or two of whiskey for free.
Large cowboy hats also double as blankies, and the lives of many cowboys have been saved by the warming abilities of the cowboy hat.
The cowboy hat actually serves as a wonderful article of clothing for many parts of the body:
- Full Body
- The larger hats can be pulled down so a hole is formed in the top for the head, and the arms can poke through the sides, creating a dress-like article of clothing. Common wearers of this were 'Wild Bill' Hickok and Lady GaGa.
- Private Parts
- Because the belt was not invented until later, early cowboys often had their pants fall down on the job. They could use their hat as a temporary 'censor bar', if you will, until more pants could be found.
- Is any further explanation needed?
The cowboy hats that were made of 50% spider web and 50% unicorn hair, a combination called uniweb, had extreme armoring capabilities. These hats could withstand swords, cacti, bullets, and even Superman. They could either be helmets, or utilized as full body armor. However, these special cowboy hats are rare. Only three are known to have ever existed. One is owned by the Smithsonian, while another is owned by Chuck Norris. The last one is probably in space, or on Mars.
Although many cowboy hats have the disclaimer, "CAN NOT BE USED AS A FLOTATION DEVICE", they can hold up to 500 lbs. without sinking. Some hats have room for three cowboys, or a cowboy and his horse. The uniweb hats could make trans-Atlantic voyages. If the cowboy's horse suddenly goes blind and runs into a river, even the smallest cowboy hats can keep a cowboy afloat temporarily while the cowboy waits for paramedics to arrive.
Although cowboy hats lost their aerodynamic properties a long time ago (see The Invention of the Cowboy Hat), they can still be used for long-range assault purposes.
- If the cowboy is out of gunpowder, he can stuff the hat into his gun to fire one final bullet.
- If the cowboy has run out of cannonballs, he can roll up his hat and stuff it into the cannon. If he is also out of gunpowder, he needs another hat.
Modern Day Cowboy Hats
Even though cowboy hats can still do all the things listed above, many cowboys don't face the same life-and-death scenarios they used to. Nowadays, some cowboys will have a GPS unit installed in their hat so if they are trampled by cows or shot, their body can be found. Some models, such as the Ranchr 3500 have drop-down screens, like the Google Glass, and the cowboy can play solitaire, or watch YouTube, or even edit Uncyclopedia from the comfort of his horse in the middle of the desert. Other features of modern cowboy hats are:
- 4G wifi hotspot
Some cowboy hats have strings to help keep it on, and if the string is paracord (or uniweb?) then it can be used as an important survival tool. Most cowboys view this string as babyish, and shoot whoever wears one.
If all the women on the planet didn't already think cowboy hats were hot, the numerous appearances of cowboy hats in movies probably made them all think so. Often the cowboy is seen riding away with his cowboy hat, saving a girl from a burning building while being chased by a dinosaur. This is why stupid movies such as Cowboys vs. Aliens still get watched, because they have cowboys with cowboy hats.