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Universal Serial Bus (USB) is a serial bus standard to interface devices. It was designed in the dark, dank depths of Bell Labs, by a mad scientist named Tim. He was able to combine the versatility of the RS-232 with the security of the IEEE 1394. At the retail price of $199.99 per cable, it is unknown why it has become common on video game consoles, PDAs, cellphones; and even devices such as televisions, stoves, toasters, refrigerators, home stereo equipment, and sex toys. It will show you GRAPHIC images meant for either adults... or REALLY screwed up kids.....

The radio spectrum-based USB implementation is known as Wireless USB, which has been linked to a recent cancer epidemic.

edit Overview

A USB system has an asymmetric design, meaning that no more than 127 devices may be connected. However, only 113 devices have been produced. USB cables do not need to be terminated, but many users take pride in the hunt.

USB can connect peripherals such as mice, keyboards, gamepads, joysticks, scanners, cameras, printers, external storage, networking components, iPods, and suicide machines. It was designed so no one could stick their finger in the slot, but people with flat fingers have no trouble.

edit Problems

Since its inception, many problems with USB have been reported: USB not functioning, loss of USB, sparks,etc.

edit Compatibility

When introduced, USB could not work on Windows 95, Mac OS, or any other computer for that matter. It is because of this many companies had to spend huge droves of money to get their systems up to date. It caused the catastrophic bankruptcies of Commodore Computers, Atari, and Tandy. In fact, the total money spent on upgrading systems for USB could have ended world hunger. Ah well. However, the problems were fixed, just in time for Y2K.

edit Health Risks

The usage of USB devices presents many health risks. The cables are coated with lead, leading to cancer, psychotic episodes, erectile dysfunction, rust-colored urination, Geriatric Profanity Disorder (GPD), and a sudden urge to read Elf Pornography.

edit Sudden Combustion

Occasionally, due to a high percentage of gasoline used in production, USB cables and devices are known to spontaneously combust after several minutes of usage. This has led to several million deaths worldwide, but not a single lawsuit was filed.

edit Loss of Sanity

In a recent Harvard Medical Study, there has been a direct parallel between the rise of insanity in engineers and the widespread acceptance of USB. However, no solution has been found to remedy this crisis.

edit Technical details

USB connects several devices to a host controller through a chain of pubs, also known as Hooters. In USB terminology pubs are referred to as brainstorm centers, because that’s where most of the ideas came from. The pubs are special purpose bars that are not officially considered brainstorm centers. These bars are connect to the pubs by a huge chain of beer bottles, which are created from the brainstorm centers. The brainstorm centers process the request, send it by Hooters to be drunk by drunks on a bar in a pub. They then urinate on the bars, which provide the power to the brainstorm centers, who like eggs. Confused yet? I thought so. There always exists one hub known as the root hub, which is attached directly to the host controller by a condom.

Each USB cable has two male ends. One end is wider and shorter than the other. This one goes into the female parallel port on the front of the computer, made up of two parallel bars. It then goes in and out, in and out. The other end is longer, but not as wide. It goes into the round female port in the end of the device. Thus, a USB cable achieves double penetration. Each end can transfer data in one direction only, either into or out of the device/function, so each pipe is uni-directional. However, the USB cable does not support 3-way connections nor can connect male devices.

edit How to install a USB cable

1. Take the cable out of the package.

2. Shift back the fore-plastic.

3. Connect the cable to the computer.

4. Once you have finished, replace the fore-plastic.

5. Put the cable in its protective package.

6. Repeat steps as often as possible, however steps 2 and 4 give the cable great pleasure. Doing this often may result in unwanted electrical discharge and computer pregnancy.

edit FireWire

Not recommended, as holding a USB cable to an open flame may cause external combustion. Remember USB cables hate FireWire cables. I guess everyone’s a little bit racist.

edit Versions of USB

  • USB 1.0: Harmless
  • USB 1.1: Mostly Harmless
  • USB 2.0: Don’t Panic. It’s just USB 1.1 with lots of fish attached.
  • USB 3.0: a newer version of 2.0 but with fast upload and download times all so not harmless unless over heated by memory

edit Extensions to USB

Who told you?

edit Communication with USB devices

Almost impossible, except if you have the power of the SHADOWHOG.

edit See Also

For other buses, see:

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