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Kansasology is the study of a two-dimensional mathematical plane that has been proven to exist in the "real world" in the form of a large rectangle in the United States. Very few attempts have been made to explore this exotic rectangle, but the few lost travelers who have encountered Kansas have brought back enough information to give a general idea of the flora, fauna and environment of this area. Scientists (and Wikipedia editors) have compiled this data into a somewhat readable form for the layperson, and that version is presented here for your consideration.
The most signifigant feature of Kansas is how empty it is. Wikipedia's entry on Kansas explains it thus:
- Kansas is big. Really big. I mean you just won't believe how vastly hugely mind-bogglingly big it is. I mean you might think it's a long way down the road to the chemists, but that's just peanuts to Kansas. Listen ...
And so on.
Eventually the style settles down a bit and the bewildered Wikipedia editors begin to tell you things you really need to know, like the fact that absolutely nothing lives in Kansas. A recent census for the entire area took about five minutes to write, and it said: "Population: 0. Industry: 0. Value: 0."
Weather in Kansas is extremely windy. There are strong winds in Kansas, not just some of the time but all of the time. No, really.
You do not want to attempt to stand up while in Kansas, especially not while holding an umbrella or kite or parachute or anything else that the wind might catch unless you want to quickly find yourself in another state. In fact, since the only goal that anyone who has tried to live in Kansas has ever had was to leave, that might not be such a bad idea after all.
edit Migration habits of Kansas-dwelling (or visiting) organisms
Just because nothing lives in Kansas doesn't mean that nothing ever visits there. There are a great many creatures that migrate to Kansas during their life cycles, including the Missouri Tigers.
However, if the wind were to ever stop, even for a moment, it would become impossible to get into or out of Kansas, as air travel is the only effecient means.
edit Recent discoveries
In a startling revolution of Kansan science, (or Kansasology, as scientists call it) it has been discovered that there is actually one lifeform native to the area. Called the Jayhawk, this creature has the amazing ability to survive the intense conditions, and keep itself in Kansas even when all other life forms are blown out of it by the intense winds. Due to this danger, occasionally, a kindly old negro named Pete "Jumbo" Jefferson runs a small-time trolley service to and from the state. When asked about why he started the business, Jumbo just simply said "Bitch better have my fuckin' money." Ah, Pete, you're a true crusader.
One of the great mysteries of Kansasology is how Kansans reproduce. A great deal of research has been done on this subject, and one of the things about there being nothing in Kansas is the fact that there are no girls in Kansas, and no one has ever been impregnated in Kansas.
This has led researchers to wonder why and how people are born in Kansas since no pregnancies ever begin there. The result of further investigation into the matter was the conclusion that all native Kansans must leave their home state in order to mate, in a pattern similar to many other migratory animals.
Some have raised the argument that Jayhawk cheerleaders may be the only girls in Kansas, and so the statement that there are no girls in Kansas would be proven untrue. However, opponents of this view argue that they are paid to be there, and thus don't count.
|Parts of this article were originally sporked from the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (42%) .|