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“Eggs? Bacon? Milk? Sure you've got the right list, Mr. Schindler?”
“My bologna has a first name it's 'O-S-C-A-R'”
“About God Damn time the rest of Hollywood recognized my greatness!”
Schindler's List is a light-hearted family comedy/pulse-pounding action thriller/powerful, moving drama ("dramediller"), and the first film in the film series The Jewish Trilogy, created by joint filmmakers Woody Allen, Mel Brooks and Larry David, depicting a concise history of the Jews. The three films are, in chronological order, Schindler's List, The Godfather and It's a Wonderful Life. Schindler's List deals with the emigration of the Jewish peoples from Germany to Africa to escape the Nazis. Vince Vaughn won an Oscar for Best Actor for his role as Oskar Schindler the flying German comic-book-writing clone of Jesus who uses his powers to guide the Jews from out of danger and into The Promised Land. Also starring Mr. T as Schindler's main bitch, Itzhak, Earthworm Jim as a nasty, nutty Nazi named Amon Goeth, Tom Cruise as Dick Satan, Julia Roberts as an overweight bald man, Papa Smurf as Satan and Ash Ketchum as Cato. The film was nominated for two other Academy Awards: Best Actress for Lindsay Lohan as Marilyn Monroe and Johnny Depp as a transgender Goth crack whore. The movie went on to be critically acclaimed, recieveing a record-setting infinity awards, and is today considered to be the greatest non Kevin Smith-movie of all time.
|Oskar Schindler||Vince Vaughn|
|Marilyn Monroe||Lindsay Lohan|
|Hitler's stunt double||Alvin and the Chipmunks|
|Young Orlando Bloom||Orlando Jones (The "7-Up Yours!" guy)|
|Old Orlando Bloom||Tony Orlando|
|Itzhak Stern||Mr. T|
|Amon Goeth||Earthworm Jim|
|The Hebrew Hammer||Groucho Marx|
|Cato Fong||Ashton Kutcher|
|Stupid Nazi (aka The Queen of Farts)||Rosie O'Donnell|
|Smart Nazi (aka The Wicked Bitch of the West)||Britney Spears|
|Godzilla||Larry the Cable Guy|
|Dick Cheney||Kevin Spacey|
|Dick Satan||Tom Cruise|
|Jeremy Clarkson (aka Pope Menachem IV)||Gilbert Gottfried|
Oskar Schindler is a little boy whose life changes when he watches his parents get gunned down in an alleyway by a crazed hobo. He then runs away and becomes a poor little orphan boy growing up on the streets of London, who can only say one word: "Guv'nor?" He meets Jodie Foster, a wealthy pimp living in the Tower of London who decides to train Schindler. Schindler grows up to be a master in karate and sex. After working for several years as a temple raider who spends most of his time dodging spears and running from boulders, Schindler moonlights as a child prostitute, until he meets bald assassin Travis Pickle who convinces him to go back to school. But Jodie will not let him go, so, after a brief fight, he kills her.
In high school, Schindler makes several friends, including Li'l Hitler, Satan, Dick Cheney, Cato Fong, certified ninja, and Marilyn Monroe, Hitler's abused girlfriend who dreams of being an actress. Then famous heartthrob Orlando Bloom comes to school, famous for being about to play Legolas in The Lord of the Rings. Schindler and Hitler, who are both gay, decide to ask Orlando out to the prom, but Schindler asks first and Orlando says yes. Hitler is furious and vows revenge.
On prom night, Hitler goes with Marilyn, even though he clearly hates her, and is furious when Schindler shows up with Orlando. He is even angrier when Schindler is crowned Prom Queen, and comes up on stage. Then Satan and Cheney dump a bucket of blood on Schindler's head, and everybody, except Marilyn, laughs at him. Schindler begins to cry, and his powers appear for the first time, vaporising Orlando. It seems bad at first, but then they just offer the role of Legolas to Jude Law, and everything is okay. Marilyn dumps Hitler and falls in love with Schindler, who decides to enter politics.
Many years pass. Now, Schindler is President of the United States, and Marilyn is a famous actress, who sings him a publicly televised "Happy Birthday Mr. President, Now Let Me Suck You Off". Then they find out that Hitler, now a Holocaust Tycoon, has called a hit on Schindler's father, Jesus, who had risen from the dead since the first scene in which he was gunned down. This leads to a gang war. Cato decides that Schindler should follow his dream of becoming a baseball star and a famous singer, so Schindler goes on the road. However, battling a drug addiction, it seems unclear that Schindler will ever get into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Meanwhile, Hitler plans to kill the Jews, so he teams up with Satan and Cheney, and their gay love child Dick Satan.
One night, after a performance, Schindler's cigarette accidentally sets the hotel on fire. He escapes with Marilyn and Cato but a baby is trapped in the flames. Marilyn begs Schindler not to let the baby die in the flames, and Schindler uses his powers for the second time, dropping an anvil on the baby so that it dies from something other than the fire. It is thus revealed that he is "the Chosen One", rumored to marry with superhot babe Marilyn Monroe (played, again, by Lindsay Lohan). However, Marilyn, who does not want to marry him because he has glasses (the sign of a nerd) goes off and hides in Hell. Furiously, Schindler vows to spend the rest of his life hunting down vampires and killing them. Then Jesus comes to Schindler in a dream, telling him to avenge his death..
Cato goes off to Germany to help save the Jews, but is attacked by Dick Satan. Mortally wounded, he is nursed back to health by a gay transsexual hooker named Candy (played by Johnny Depp) who is in the story mainly to prove that not all gay characters are evil. They return and tell Schindler that Hitler is killing all the Jews. Schindler goes to Europe, uses his powers to make himself giganti-normous--or as big as Your Mom's whore gene--and kills Godzilla and Cthulhu by using his newest and greatest power of all time...
He then proceeds to blow up the Death Star and outdraw One-Eyed Dick in Cactus Gulch. Hitler orders for Schindler to be killed. Hitler sends a huge army composed of the Forces of Evil to kill Schindler. Schindler, Cato and Candy are holed up in the Alamo when Hitler's army attacks.
Meanwhile, in Hell, Marilyn finds Hitler's assassin, Barbie. The two of them start talking about what they call Big Macs in France (they call them "Shitballs" which is pretty accurate). Suddenly Marilyn realizes that Barbie is the one who was always mean to her in school, so she uses her powers to make Barbie fat and unpopular. Barbie goes crazy and swells up to enormous size before Marilyn pops her with a bagel. Meanwhile, Hitler's army is about to attack Schindler when suddenly Cato decides to play Elvis songs, and because Elvis was so overrated and didn't even write his own songs, all the bad guys' heads asplode. Schindler finds the Jews and leads them into the desert to freedom. He is almost caught by Hitler's assassins, the Queen of Farts and the Wicked Bitch, but Marilyn comes out of nowhere in a spaceship with Chewbacca, screaming "WAHOO!" and kills them both. Schindler parts the Red Sea and leads the Jews to America, but the danger's not over yet. Marilyn kills all of Hitler's other assassins with some help from Cato and Candy, as well as an Exploding Tree, Giant Rock, Cloned Armed Raptors and some All Purpose Bullets, after which they all fly home on a giant rabbit's penis.
Finally, Schindler faces Dick Satan down in a climactic swordfight on top of Mount Rushmore. He is interrupted only by Marilyn Monroe, who bursts in to profess that she loves him. Stupidly, she steps between the two, and Dick kills her. In a rage, Schindler uses his greatest power of all-love! He becomes gay again and tries to have sex with Dick Satan, which makes the homophobic Nazi perv so disgusted that he jumps over the edge and falls to his death. Then he looks back and sees that Marilyn is not really dead, but that an overweight bald man (played by Julia Roberts) walked by just in time, taking the bullet. Then Hitler, Satan, Earthworm Hitler and Dick Cheney then appear and fight Schindler, but Marilyn kills Satan, Candy kills Earthworm Hitler, Cato freezes Cheney in time, to be released a thousand years and become a rape victim for both Skynet AND Big Brother, and Schindler banishes to Hitler to a faraway dimension where all is darkness, and good and evil have no meaning. Schindler then gets married to Marilyn, becomes King of the Jews in America, and announces the beginning of a new decade--"PARTY!"
Interesting fact: The original script involved a shopping list as this was considered to give the desired effect of despair and suffering when you have to back and get another loaf of bread cos your first one got shot
edit Notes on production
They are currently working on a sequel to this movie, Schindler's List 2: Let's Get This Party Started!
|People named Oscar |
|Oscar Wilde • Oscar Mayer • Oscar the Grouch • Oskar Schindler • Oscars (Academy Awards)|