User:NESluver/UnBooks:The Grinch Who Stole Shitsmas
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Down in Poo-ville
Liked Shitsmas a lot...
But The Grinch,
Who lived just North of Poo-ville,
The Grinch hated Shitsmas!
The whole Shitsmas season!
Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be that his head wasn't screwed on quite right.
It could be, perhaps, that his shoes were too tight.
But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that his penis was two sizes too small.
Whatever the reason,
He stood there on Shitsmas Eve, hating the Poos,
Staring down from his Touture Room with a sour, Grinchy frown
At the warm lighted windows below in their town.
For he knew every Poo down in Poo-ville beneath
Was busy now, hanging a mistleoe wreath.
"And they're hanging their stockings!" he snarled with a sneer.
"Tomorrow is Shitsmas! It's practically here!"
Then he growled, with his grinch fingers nervously drumming,
"I MUST find a way to keep Shitsmas from cumming!"
For, tomorrow, he knew...
...All the Poo girls and boys
Would wake up bright and early. They'd rush for their whores!
And then! Oh, the noise! Oh, the noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!
That's one thing he hated! The NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!
Then the Poos, young and old, would sit down to a feast.
And they'd feast! And they'd feast!
And they'd FEAST! FEAST! FEAST! FEAST!
They would start on Poo-pudding, and rare Poo-roast-breast
And the Grinch was so sad he couldn’t hear the rest!
They'd do something he liked least of all!
Every Poo down in Poo-ville, the tall and the small,
Would stand close together, with Shitsmas bells ringing.
They'd stand hand-in-hand. And the Poos would start fucking!!
They'd fuck! And they'd fuck!
AND they'd FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!
And the more the Grinch thought of the Poo-Shitsmas-Orgy
The more the Grinch thought, "I must steal their feeling of being horny!
"Why for fifty-three years I've put up with it now!
I MUST stop Shitsmas from coming!
Then he got an idea!
An awful idea!
GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!
"I know just what to do!" The Grinch Laughed in his throat.
And he made a quick Satan Claus hat and a coat.
And he chuckled, and clucked, "What a great Grinchy trick!
"With this coat and this hat, I'll look just like Tricky Dick!"
"All I need is a bareback..."
The Grinch looked around.
But since bareback are scarce, there was none to be found.
Did that stop the old Grinch...?
No! The Grinch simply said,
"If I can't find a bareback, I'll make one instead!"
So he called his bitch Max. Then he took some red thread
And he tied a big cock that woman can give head.
He loaded some bags
And some old empty sacks
On a ramshackle pimpobile
And he hitched up old Max.
Then the Grinch said, "Donkey punch!"
And the pimpmobile started down
Toward the homes where the Poos
Lay a-snooze in their town.
All their windows were dark. Quiet snow filled the air.
All the Poos were all dreaming erotic dreams without care
When he came to the first house in the square.
"This is stop number one," The old Grinchy Claus hissed
And he climbed to the roof, empty bags in his fist.
Then he slid down the chimney. A rather tight pinch.
But if Nixon could do it, then so could the Grinch.
He got stuck only once, for a moment or two.
Then he stuck his head out of the fireplace flue
Where the little Poo stockings all hung in a row.
"These stockings," he grinned, "are the first things to go!"
Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile most unpleasant,
Around the whole room, and he took every present!
Rifles! And motorcycles! Gangbangers! Mugs!
Whores! Sedans! Crap! And drugs!
And he stuffed them in bags. Then the Grinch, very grove,
Shoved all the bags, one by one, up the nose!
Then he slunk to the icebox. He took the Poos' rest!
He took the Poo-pudding! He took the roast breast!
He cleaned out that icebox as quick as a flash.
Why, that Grinch even took their last can of Poo-hash!
Then he stuffed all the food up his buttocks with glee.
"And NOW!" grinned the Grinch, "I will stuff up the tree!"
And the Grinch grabbed the tree, and he started to shove
When he heard a small sound like the coo of a dove.
He turned around fast, and he saw a small Poo!
Little Cindy-Lou Poo, who was not more than two.
The Grinch had been caught by this little Poo daughter
Who'd got out of bed for a cup of cold water.
She stared at the Grinch and said, "Richard Nixon, why,
"Why are you taking our Christmas tree? WHY?"
But, you know, that old Grinch was so smart and so slick
He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!
"Why, my sweet little ho," the fake Tricky Dick lied,
"There's a light on this tree that won't light on one side.
"So I'm taking it home to my workshop, my dear.
"I'll fix it up there. Then I'll bring it back here."
And his fib fooled the child. Then he patted her head
And he got her a drink and he sent her to bed.
And when Cindy-Lou Poo went to bed with her cup,
HE went to the mouth and swallowed the tree up!
Then the last thing he took
Was the log for their fire.
Then he went up the chimney himself, the old liar.
On their walls he left nothing but hooks, and some wire.
And the one speck of food
Then he left in the house
Was a crumb that was even too small for a mouse.
He did the same thing
To the other Poos' houses
Much too small
For the other Poos' mouses!
It was quarter past dawn...
All the Poos, still unaware of the steal
All the Poos, still a-snooze
When he packed up his pimpmobile,
Packed it up with their presents! The ribbons! The wrappings!
The tags! And the tinsel! The trimmings! The trappings!
Three thousand feet up! Up the side of Mount Fuckit,
He rode to the tiptop to hump it!
"Poo-poo to the Poos!" he was grinch-ish-ly humming.
"They're finding out now that no Shitsmas is cumming!
"They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do!
"Their mouths will hang open a minute or two
"The all the Poos down in Poo-ville will all cry BOO-HOO!"
"That's a noise," grinned the Grinch,
"That I simply must hear!"
So he paused. And the Grinch put a hand to his ear.
And he did hear a sound rising over the snow.
It started in low. Then it started to grow...
But the sound wasn't sad!
Why, this sound sounded merry!
It couldn't be so!
But it WAS merry! VERY!
He stared down at Poo-ville!
The Grinch popped his eyes!
Then he shook!
What he saw was a shocking surprise!
Every Poo down in Poo-ville, the tall and the small,
Was fucking! Without any presents at all!
He HADN'T stopped Shitsmasmas from coming!
Somehow or other, it came just the same!
And the Grinch, with his grinch-feet ice-cold in the snow,
Stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?
It came without ribbons! It came without tags!
"It came without packages, boxes or bags!"
And he puzzled three hours, `till his puzzler was sore.
Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before!
"Maybe Shitsmas," he thought, "doesn't come from a store.
"Maybe Shitsmas...perhaps...means a little bit more!"
And what happened then...?
Well...in Poo-ville they say
That the Grinch's small cock
Grew three sizes that day!
And the minute his cock didn't feel quite so tight,
He whizzed with his load through the bright morning light
And he brought back the toys! And the food for the rest!
The Grinch carved the roast breast!