User:Multiliteralist/Tokin' for Jesus
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edit ODD TESTAMENT
edit Chapter One, where GOD creates the Universe, weed, and some badass party gear
- In the beginning, GOD created the heavens, and the earth. And the earth was without form and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Spirit of THE LORD hovered over the waters. And he thought shit looked fucked up, you know.
- And it became clear to him there was need for some action there and then. For the place looked like a fucking dump with the void and all that. And all sorts of ideas started occurring to him you know.
- Yea, THE LORD cast His eyes upon the void and did say: "Man, that is some vast acreage right there and shit. Since I ain't created no coppers an' that yet I could use to grow a fat load of skunk, yeah, and nobody would know nuffink was going down."
- And so it was that THE LORD createth the weed that is known to man as skunk or as shit or by any of a multitude of names. And then He did looketh once more upon his Creation.
- "Dude," saith He, "and I could, like, have some proper bangin' parties here too. I'd just need to get some sound systems parked up around the place, yo, and the people would cometh."
- THE LORD, in His infinite wisdom, realised for the people to cometh there would henceforth have to be people. And so he createth them.
- And on the second day, THE LORD found that his people were suffocating in the vacuum of space, so he createth a planet with air and water upon which they could live, and he createth some more people to inhabit it for those which He had first made had died. "Bollocks," saith He.
- And on the third day, he createth strobe lighting, 100-kilowatt outdoor speaker systems and some Badass Technics decks.
- The fourth day came, and THE LORD createth jungle music and did seek to mix tunes.
- On the fifth day, THE LORD printed flyers which He distributeth about His people.
- And on the sixth day, the people did cometh and THE LORD createth a kicking party vibe, man. He did then layeth down fat beats and gotteth that party pumping. His people did maketh the floor burn and they had it large.
- On the seventh day, THE LORD and His people did chilleth out for they laboured under a monster come-down and vodka hang-overs. But THE LORD knew that it was good, for His people had each paid £10 to get in and He had made a packet.
edit Chapter Two, where GOD creates man, wife, and the Garden of Eden
- THE LORD decided that He would set aside a portion of the earth that would henceforth be reserved for the growing of super-strength weed for His use alone, for it was too strong for mortals, and He did nameth it the Garden of Eden. Since He was usually too mashed to maintaineth such a place, he elected to createth a guardian of the garden and did name him Adam, he who was skilled in the horticulture of recreational pharmaceutical crops.
- And so it was that Adam was content in the garden, for it sprang forth with fruit that he might eat. But so it was one day that Adam found a white pill among the grass, and he did swallow the pill that is known as Ecstasy.
- And lo, did it come to pass that Adam found he was buzzing and he spake unto THE LORD. "God, my old mate," saith he, "This E's making me proper horny, know what I mean? My cock feels like someone carved it outta wood. Any chance you could create a bitch or two?"
- THE LORD heard the word of Adam, and did take from him a rib which he fashioned into a bitch that He named Eve, and He saw that she was hot. Adam lay down with her, for she was also a slut.
- But so it came to pass that Eve led Adam astray, for one day a serpent came unto her and saith: "Eve, how doth it hang? Listen girl, you wanna get some proper good gear, yeah?"
- And so the serpent led Eve until they came upon a bush, but Eve saw that it was the bush that THE LORD had commanded Adam and she to keep well away from, or He would Bust Their Asses.
- Eve spake unto the serpent of this, but the serpent replieth: "Fuck that shit, bitch. Look at it, it's got more leaves than a fucking phone directory and it's practically pissing resin. Take what you want."
- And Eve, the silly bitch that she was, thought the snake spake truth. And she picked a leaf or two, aye, even several, off the Lord's personal bush. But she had no time to roll a joint.
- For that very moment, the heavens did part, and THE LORD spoke in a clap of thunder. "Eve!" saith He. "That's my personal fucking stash, I'm gonna bust you up proper you thieving ho."
- And Eve was horrorstruck, and she fairly sniveled at the feet of THE LORD. And she sayeth: "Don't freak out, big daddy - it was that dildo-shaped reptile made me do it!"
- And THE LORD replied to her, saying: "The fact that he's shaped like a fake penis means not he is good. Verily, thou hast the brain of a slut." And Eve wept sorely at that, for she greatly resented being a slut-brain.
- And THE LORD GOD summoned Adam to his presence as well. And he told them thus: "From this day henceforth you are banished from the Garden of Eden under pain of death. And you will die a death when you become old, and so forth et cetera."
- And Adam didn't mind since he had no idea what death might be, and he just sort of nodded. And he and Eve pissed off.
edit Chapter Three, where Cain slays Abel over a stash held back
- And Adam and his slut Eve had a couple of sons you know. And their names were Abel and Cain.
- And Abel had skin as smooth as velvet, and his balls were like porcelain. He was like a fucking mannequin. And Cain was just the opposite - a strapping huge bastard with sideburns, tattoos and a character to match.
- And it so happened in those days that FUZZ had clamped down all weed imports. And this sorely vexed the people.
- And Cain was in an uptight mood, and asked Abel whether he had any weed left. And Abel was so hooked on the stuff he said he didn't have any, although he did have a lid or two.
- Because in those days, dealers nonchalantly mixed some opiates in hash. And this is why Abel was hooked.
- And Cain saw it in Abel's eyes that he indeed had some of that Afghanistan hash somewhere, if not the better quality Moroccan shit.
- And Cain threatened Abel, saying: "Yo man - gimme some and don't hold back like a total schmuck. For times are tough and I haven't slept for five days."
- And Abel still refused his brother a measly fucking toke. Anyone with brains would have given some but not Abel, no sir. He was the fucking apple of his father's eye, right? And also he didn't understand Cain was a bit flipped over with crank.
- And Cain grew white with rage when he saw Abel acting like a total schmegege and sitting on his stash.
- And lo! Cain started slapping his porcelain-arse brother around, and Abel hit his head over the table corner. And he kicked the bucket, there and then. It was an accident, man!
- And Cain turned the house upside down and finally found Abel's stash. He didn't give a flying fuck if Abel lived or not.
- But after a few tokes Cain grew remorseful and a bit paranoid too, you know. But then he just rolled another joint, smoked it and passed out. And he hoped to sleep over the speed backlash. And verily, he succeeded.
- And the next day Adam asked after Abel, for he dearly would have wanted to see his skinflint dickhead son. But that was not possible now as you can easily understand.
- And Cain, having slain his brother - all accidentally, as I just told you - made out like he was Abel.
- And it so happened that Adam was stoned enough to almost believe him. They don't grow such ganja any more.
- But in the end, Adam realized this was Cain and not Abel. And he spake unto Cain, saying:
- "Where ist mine other son, the one with the smooth skin and porcelain balls?"
- And Cain acted like he didn't even fucking hear - he was none too smart himself. Also, stoned. Since Abel's stash had been pretty potent.
- But in the end he had to reply. And he lied to his old man, saying thus: "How the fuck should I know? Out scoring weed, banging his sisters, really, how the fuck should I know?" But Adam thought this was cool - NOT.
- And Adam threatened Cain with FUZZ unless he told where Abel was. And Cain could not resist the threat since he had numerous shady deals going, you know.
- And Cain told Adam he had slain Abel, but it was all accidental, and Abel's own fault for holding back the weed. And so forth.
- And Adam was pretty fucking disappointed with Cain, and stamped his forehead with the rubber stamp. And the ink was not water soluble. And henceforth Cain had the legend "VOID" on his forehead. And it was a source of great shame to him, and he fucked off to the desert.
- And for some inexplicable reason his kids and their kids had the same stamp on their foreheads. Come on you can't believe that one.
edit Chapter Four, where The Bong of Babel is constructed
- And the whole earth was of one language, and of one speech, and that language was known as Hepcat, daddio.
- And it came to pass, as they journeyed from the east, that they found a plain in the land of Shinar; and they dwelt there for the local rental prices were low and affordable to those on welfare.
- And they said one to another, Go to, let us make glass, and harden it thoroughly. And they had several bits of brass pipe in varying lengths, and and rubber tubing.
- And they said, "Go to, let us build a giant bong, the biggest ever seen, man; and let us stoke it up with a good half kilo of that wicked Afghan grass, but don't tell anyone, yeah, lest the Fuzz raid us."
- And THE LORD came down to see the bong, which the children built.
- And THE LORD said, "Behold, that bong is gonna be fucking lethal. Whoever came up with it is a fucking nutter - you lot are gonna get proper fucked up smoking that bastard."
- So THE LORD did take up the mighty bong and shattered it upon the ground.
- And because the people saw now that THE LORD was angry, they scattered to all four points of the compass and lived henceforth apart, giving rise to new languages such as the Tongue of the Hippies which resembleth Hepcat still and the Tongue of the Bad Boys which is all fucking bear and shit, bruv, knowhatimsayin geezah?
- So the people saw that never again must they attempt to build a bong of such mightiness that it would elevate them to such highness that they could look upon THE LORD, for THE LORD hath in His domain stuff He wants to keep secret like panties and grot mags and shit.
edit Chapter One, well this is mostly about Egypt and shit, and like how the pharaoh couldn't sleep at night and so forth
- And in those days in the land of Judea, the people for some reason fell slaves to the Egyptians. It was a fucking drag. Dig: they had to haul some heavy fucking stone slabs to help build a fucking mausoleum for a rich dude, and shit like that.
- And the stone slabs were - like - I don't know but they weighed several tons. And it was amazingly heavy work.
- And people dropped like flies. And if they appeared stoned at work, they got whipped or something. And it was way uncool altogether.
- And among the people there was a young dude called Moses. And he was a shrink of sorts.
- And the king of Egypt, called pharaoh, heard of this analyst and told him to appear before him and explain a couple of weird dreams he had seen after smoking opiates.
- And Moses came, and there was nothing to it: his own dreams had been far out lately so he really could relate to what the pharaoh was laying down, man.
- And the pharaoh took an important stance and quoth to Moses: "Dude, if you can explain this shit I'll make you a top cat in the land. I'll give you a few wives and let you smoke my personal stash."
- "But if you fail, I will be angry and stuff." But Moses kept his cool for verily, he was a badass dude at explaining stuff.
- And the Pharaoh spake unto him again, saying thus: "I dreamed a pretty fucking weird dream last night, man. There were, like, seven cows and seven cowboys, and the cowboys were fatter than the fucking cows!"
- And Moses didn't bat an eye. He just set the legend straight, saying: "Verily, the price of sugar is down in the west again. Did the cowboys ride cars like tanks too?"
- And the Pharaoh said: "Aye, that was the case!"
- And Moses said: "Right, so, um, what was the next dream?" And he looked so smug that the pharaoh was fit to bust. But a couple of weeks ago he had been visiting the pipe quite a lot and he had some pretty inexplicable stuff in his notebook as a result.
- "Alrite then", quoth the Pharaoh, "it seems there were these blue dragons with talons the size of huge dicks, and they had serpentine necks which they wiggled fearsomely from one side to the other, and their eyes glowed like lamps."
- "And they were offered seven virgins as sacrifice. And the virgins were made of marshmallow and pop corn, and -" "Sorry man - have you been tokin' that opium pipe a lot lately?" asked Moses.
- And the Pharaoh had to concede another point. But he did not want to give up just yet.
- And he set for Moses the hardest of all the riddles, asking: "What do I have in my pocket?" And Moses was flabbergasted, he was totally out of it right then. But he stalled for time, saying he had some shit in his eye or something. And the pharaoh fell for it, for he was slightly stoned at the time. Like always, you know.
- And Moses finally gave him an answer, but it was about something totally different, like about seven good years and seven bad years and how the Pharaoh had the hots for his own mom. And he argued his case in such a perplexing manner that the pharaoh lost track and admitted his loss.
edit Chapter Two, where Moses refuses to bring the Ten Commandments to his people, and GOD gives him a gift anyway
- And it so happened in those days that Moses, a real old dude at the time, heard the voice of THE LORD in a burning bush, get it? A burning fucking bush. In the desert. And he was mightily flabbergasted since this was unheard of.
- And Moses had a major freak-out. And he fell flat on his face like a ton of bricks. And THE LORD spake unto him, saying: "Wow man, you gotta have broke your nose!"
- Quoth Moses: "Aye, it stings like a bitch, man. I flipped over at that bush trick of yours. You wouldn't mind something slightly less flashy the next time, would you?" And THE LORD replied, saying: "This is my thing, dude. Now shut the fuck up and listen."
- And THE LORD continuethed, saying: "Dig, y'all need some laws rite now, OK? I mean - you cannot all go out whoring, stealing exetera like it was party night every night, can you? So come on here, up this mountain right here.
- And THE LORD showeth Moses the way to a certain mountain way out there. And he gaveth Moses some fucking stone slabs with shit writ on'em. And Moses was pissed off like never before. For the load looked heavy beyond belief.
- And lo, did Moses say unto THE LORD: "Mate, if you think I'm schlepping them slabs back down there you can piss off." Then did he sit atop the Mount and roll a number.
- And he became verily stoned and quoth: "Man, this is some heavy weed", and his eyes rolled in his head and turned slightly pink, and he became sorely afraid lest God smite him. And God sayeth: "Quit being paranoid you tipsch."
- And the tongue of Moses turned into mush in his mouth, and he became as thirsty as if he had gone to hell.
- And then THE LORD spake unto Moses, and He did saith: "Two's up on that, yeah? I'm gasping for a toke dude." And Moses quoth: "Uh, all right man, but, uh - chill with it yo, this is some dynamite shit!" And THE LORD sayeth: "I made it, I can take it."
- And the Lord also rolleth a number. And he lit up. And verily he toketh deep deep. And he took a second toke. And a third. And the Lord toketh away until he had his mighty lungs filled to the max.
- And in those days God did exhale. And he blew the smoke through his mouth and through his nostrils as well. And it tasted exceptionally good. And he took another hit, and another, until the whole joint was gone. And he was still on his feet, you know?
- And Moses looked upon the Lord in awe. And he quoth: "Man you're a motherfucker, I mean - wow! You mean you can smoke half a lid just like that?"
- And the Lord took pity on Moses and spake, telling him thus: "Moses, dude. You like a toke now and then, rite? All rite then. From this day onward your line will have some tolerance. I mean if you freak out that easy, why, there's no point in you hitting that doobie at all, amirite?"
- And Moses thanked the Lord for this precious gift. And from that day on, he could smoke all the weed he wanted to, aye, even Moroccan hash oil, without freaking out too bad. And so could his children and his children's children, down to the seventh generation and even beyond. And that was good, man. For skunk was plentiful in those parts, and it was good to smoke. Provided you didn't freak out.
edit Chapter One, where Noah builds the Ark
- There came a time when THE LORD looked upon his creation and saw that it was bad, for people were going out robbing and shit to get cash for a hit.
- But one man there was who groweth all his own smoke, and so it was that he did not need to rob. THE LORD saw that he was good, and spake unto him.
- "Yo, Noah dude," spaketh He, "Listen up man. I'm getting pissed off with all them bad motherfuckers robbing each other and shit, so I'm gonna kick some ass dawg. But listen up man, you've been a top geezer so don't start worryin' or nuffink 'cos I ain't got no beef with you, innit. Mate though, right, it's good that you grow your own and that, but you spend too much time tokin', yeah? You fuckin' stink mate, have a bath."
- Noah heard the words that THE LORD spake unto him, and he paid heed.
- Then did he get his skins and roll a doobie, which he took with him unto his bath which he did begin to fill with fresh water and ungulents. Then reclineth he in the tub, and sparked up. And he took great care not to drop any hotrocks on his Nuts.
- But Noah did forget that he was smoking his special skunk stash, and presently he slumbered for its strength was Great. The bath ranneth over, and flooded the land to many fathoms.
- When Noah stirred, he saw what he had caused and did think to himself: "Shitting hell man! God's gonna have a proper barney about this!" So he gathered unto himself a multitude of pizza boxes that he found on the floor of his apartment and he did stick them together with cigarette papers, fashioning for himself a boat many cubits in all directions. He saw that it was good, and nameth it the Ark.
- Then did Noah, being a bit of a hippy, call unto his Ark representatives of each of the species with which THE LORD had filled His Creation, so that GOD'S work would not be destroyed by his hand. Noah saith unto them: "Listen up dudes, yeah - we gotta stick together if we're gonna get through this shit, yo. So that means we gotta all be vegetarians and that, no fighting or eating each other right, there's gotta be none of that shit."
- But the Lions were Not Cool, and Noah's words found no harbour in their ears. And so did the Lions fall upon the Unicorns and ateth them, which is why the Unicorn no longer roams GOD'S Earth. And Noah saw what the Lions had done, and he saith: "Aw man, that is so, like, uncool, you dig? We got a ton of tofu on board, there's no need to go fucking up the Unicorns."
- But in the end, they were all saved nevertheless. For GOD had it so ordained that Noah and his line would make it through the bad times, you know.
edit Chapter Two, where Noah passes out with his dick showing
- And once the whole flood thing was thus settled, Noah decided to celebrate the miraculous save a bit. And he decideth to roll a proper joint this time.
- And he rolleth the mother of all joints. And he did light it up, saying: "Let's see if I can walk away after this, man!" And lo! that thing was not to be, since the force of that joint was too much for Noah.
- And Noah took a few good tokes, held it in for a time, and exhaled. And as he did exhale, he barely had time to comment on the quality of the weed. He nodded off you see.
- And after a while Noah did wake up, and decided he had to take a leak. And he dug out his dick, and started rising up. But the spirit of the weed was still in him, and he nodded off again. And that was not too cool.
- For Noah's sons happened to be in the hood, and decided to pop in for a surprise visit. Their idea was to perhaps score a lid off their old man you know.
- And they went into the house. And they did notice Noah's limp dick hanging out his fly. And they were sorely embarrassed. And they woke Noah up. And they called him a bitch, a slut and a motherfucker. For this was their old man, and should have known better.
- And Noah did say: "Lay off me, man - this weed is too fucking heavy - wanna try it? I'll bet you a kilo you'll forget your dick out as well!"
- And his sons decided to forgive him, at least until the weed had been tested. And they rolled a number for the three of them.
- And before too long they all were happily tokin'. And the elder of Noah's sons spake to Noah, asking him: "Why the fuck did you get your dick out before going to the shithouse, man? You gotta have a screw loose!" And they all laughed heartily at that.
- And so it came about that the stuff really hit them all. And for a while, they all giggled about the incident until tears rolled down their cheeks. And it so happened that the whole thing was soon forgotten. For the power of the stash was such that it seriously deteriorated the short term memory.
- And Noah summed it all up, saying: "For great is the LORD, and greatly to be praised: he also is to be feared above all gods. For all the gods of the people are idols: but the LORD made this dynamite weed. Glory and honour are in his presence; strength and gladness are in his doobies." And they all rejoiced; since the hangover from weed is pretty tolerable, all in all.