User:Multiliteralist/SysRq and the revenge of the mutant zombie androids

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Sysrq cave

SysRq in a cave, preparing to slay thousands of mutant zombie androids. Note the big motherfucker on the outside of the ring.

edit Chapter one

And on that day it was dark in the cave and the androids had a huge penis machine there. And they wanted to conquer the world and enslave all of us. And do some nasty things to our daughters, sons, dogs. And so forth. And they were plotting amongst themselves to overthrow the governments of the world. And so forth. And so horrible was their plan that it would have scared the wits out of all of us even before its implementation. And so it happened that day that everyone was very much scared of what might happen. And it easily could have been that way until the impending doom, if not for SysRq. And SysRq saw it was no good, and he decided to act at once.

edit Chapter two

And so SysRq gathered his followers around him, and he told them things, saying: "If I never come back from those motherfuckers, you will have exactly zero hopes. So pray for me you twits. For the day of reckoning is nigh." And they wept for him, and for themselves, for they did not know what a great power was in SysRq. And so he left them there weeping. And he snickered to himself. For he considered them veritable fools. And they loved him and he loved them, nevertheless. And that was good.

edit Chapter three

And so the next week SysRq entered the cave, after a boring trip through the wilds. He had been thirsty there, but he did not care. He was so tough. And he singlehandedly slew all the evil motherfucking mutant zombie androids. But then there was one big motherfucker. SysRq saw that the big motherfucker was twice as tall as he was, and had a horrible thing protruding between his legs. And SysRq slew him too. It was not hard for him at all. And SysRq destroyed the penis machine. And so forth. And peace ensued. And it was well.


It absolutely requires pointing out that the Biblical style section ends here. The rest of 
this article is not on my conscience - but since I'm such a wimpy person, I will not
try to negotiate any excluding deal with the other author. THE END.

edit THE END


DISCLAIMER: yes, I know that I needed to put EVIL DEAD: THE SYSRQ REMAKE in Forum:You've always wanted to be able to openly fight for my affection. Now you can. But by the time I finished it the article was archived, so I've put it on Multiliteralist's redirect. I hope SysRq, in his unbound awesomeness, can still judge this article. By the by, EVIL DEAD: THE SYSRQ REMAKE was written by Docile hippopotamus.

edit The cast

  • SysRq

- Plays as himself.

  • RAHB

- Friend of SysRq.

  • Zombiebaron

- Everybody’s favourite zombie baron.

  • Theledballoon

- Cajek’s douchebag friend.

  • Cajek

- Tribute black.

edit The Movie

5:00 pm. SysRq and his posse, containing RAHB, Zombiebaron, Theledballoon and Cajek, have driven for 3 hours to an isolated cabin in the mountains of Tennessee to spend the weekend there.

“Wow, this is the fucking shit! Spending a weekend at this place doing acid and playing Backgammon. Fuck yeah!” Exclaimed SysRq when they finally arrived at the cabin, in all his awesomeness. RAHB, Zombiebaron, Theledballoon and Cajek opened their doors and exited the car, while SysRq used his telekinesis to mentally open his door for him.

They entered the cabin with their gear and unpacked, and started doing acid. SysRq woke up. “Where the fuck am I?!” He ponders loudly to himself, and for no reason in particular punched Theledballoon in the back of the head. “Hey, what was that for?” Theledballoon said in a weak, girly tone. “Shut the fuck up maggot. I am SysRq, and I shall do what I seek fit!” and SysRq kicked Theledballoon is the face, breaking his feeble nose.

Evil Dead1

SysRq with a chainsaw, in the poster for Evil Dead.

Shortly after the others woke up too. Cajek, the tribute black, saw something in the corner of the room, and realised that it was a cassette tape.

“Look over there.” Cajek said, pointing to the corner of the basement that had a cassette tape in it.

The five of them walk over to it. “That is interesting…” SysRq said, “This tape has the words ‘Necronomicon Ex-Mortis’ written on it, which is plain stupid. Why must some person I don’t even know rip of H.P. Lovecraft by putting the word ‘Ex-Mortis’ on the end of the word ‘Necronomicon.’ Pure idiocy, doesn’t surprise me though, there are plenty of stupid people who would do something like that if they had the chance.” SysRq intellectually said. “Grrrlggar.” Zombiebaron joyfully murmured. “No, that’s crazy Zombiebaron, it has nothing to do with porn, as it will probably be something bad that will result in me being the first do die as I’m the tribute black, but if you want to see what’s on it go ahead.” responded Cajek. At that moment Theledballoon grabbed the tape and pressed the play button. At first there was just white noise, and then the five of them heard something of unparallel terrifying-ness come from the cassette tape.

Hot potato hot potato….hot potato hot potato…hot potato hot potato; potato; potato, potato…” And as it played demons appeared in a wisp form and before they eyes vanished.

“What have you done!” RAHB screamed, as he kicked Theledballoon square in the crotch. “Calm down RAHB.” Yelled Cajek. “All we have to do is…” And just then a demon appeared and ripped out Cajek’s heart, making him die. No one showed any surprise at Cajek’s death. “He was the token black, it was bound to happen.” SysRq simply said.

“Arrggrh hhrrg gar, SysRq?” Questioned Zombiebaron “Yes, what do we do now SysRq? Our mighty leader.” Re-affirmed RAHB. “We are going to have to fuck these fuckers up! But first we will need weaponry. Luckily there is weaponry right in that corner of the room, that someone must have put in here for no particular reason.”

Evil Dead4

SysRq with a chainsaw, holding his shotgun above his head, as if to say, "Yes, I can hold a shotgun above my head for no reason, because I am SysRq, and I do whatever the fuck I want.

SysRq picked up a chainsaw and an M-16. “FUCK YEAH!” he yelled happily. Zombiebaron picked up a mace. “Graaarrgg!” He rejoiced. RAHB picked up a double barrel shotgun. “Swing!” He said. And all that was left for Theledballoon was a single of Vanilla Ice’s ‘Ice Ice Baby.’

“Alright guys. I’m going to use my radio to get a helicopter to pick us up.” SysRq says. SysRq picks up his radio and orders a helicopter to pick them up.

“Alright guys. With our arsenal of weaponry we are ready to go to the helicopter pickup zone. It is only a 30 minute walk from here, but if we run we could make it there in, I’d estimate, 7 minutes.” SysRq told the posse. “We will also have to split up in groups of two so all the demons don’t attack us as a pack. RAHB, you’re with me. Zombiebaron, your with Theledballoon. Remember, WE HAVE TO GET BACK TO THE CHOPPA!” They all put a hand in the middle. “On four. One. Two. Three” “GO TEAM!” They yelled.

They all ran out and split up. Zombiebaron and Theledballoon ran into a thick pack of trees. Suddenly the trees came alive! And grabbed Theledballoon. “Save me Zombiebaron! Save meeeeeeeeeeeeeee…!” Zombiebaron looks from left to right, murmured “ggrrrraargh” And ran away. “Damn you Zombiebaron. Damn you!” Theledballoon screams. “Hey, what are you trees doing?! Hey, no! Stop! NO!” And the trees raped and mutilated Theledballoon.

SysRq and RAHB were running towards the helicopter pick up location while SysRq tore apart demons with his weaponry, telekinesis and laser eye beams. They destroyed the demons and continued to the helicopter pick up location when SysRq saw something from the corner of his eye approaching RAHB, and yelled, “Look out RAHB! Behind you!” RAHB turned around, saw something approaching him, and shot it with his double barrel shotgun, blowing its head right off, only to realise after he shot it that it was Zombiebaron. “He was a kind zombie drug baron” SysRq sorrowfully said.

Evil Dead5

SysRq, about to say his now classic line from the movie, "Die Motherfucker!"

They make it to the helicopter alive and hop on. “Thanks for the quick flying buddy.” SysRq said to the pilot. The pilot turns around and it happens to be none other then Chuck Norris. “No, thank you SysRq and RAHB” And the credits roll as the helicopter flies away, with SysRq and RAHB getting high on acid and listening to ‘Sex Machine’ by James Brown.

edit The Reviews:

Washington post- “This has to be the best horror remake movie ever made. With SysRq’s acting its no wonder that he won 12 Golden Globes for his performance in this film.

New York Time- “There are not enough words to describe the awesomeness of this film, in particular SysRq, who really put his heart and soul into this film.”

RAHB- “I thought I did pretty good with the acting in this movie, but SysRq was definitely the acting highlight. I was thinking ‘Wow! How the fuck can he act so awesomely?’ On a personal note I also had trouble making my penis not bulge out of my paints while acting. You’d have the same problem too if it was 17 inches.”

The movie was noted for its universal praise of SysRq’s role in the film, and the movie grossed over $500 million dollars at the box office.

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