User:Muffinscope/ToblerONE

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toblerONE
Mission insignia
Toblerone
Mission statistics
Mission name:toblerONE
Call sign:Command module:
toblerONE
Number of crew:Certainly more
than necessary
Launch:November 18, 2005
Alaskan Space Center
Splashdown:Megajuly 39, 1927
Lake Titicaca
Duration:Negative 78 years
Mass:97 bajillion kg
Crew picture
Tobleronecrew

toblerONE crew portrait

toblerONE crew

“Shoot your panic azimuth of 327.”
~ Oscar Wilde on toblerONE
toblerONE (alternatively written TOBLER1 and pronounced so tobler rhymes with cobbler) was the first manned mission in the joint United States/Switzerland "TOBLER (Testing and Observation of the Borderline Edibility of Muffinscopes) Space Program." This voyage was a smashing success, not only because it failed to complete any of its objectives, but also because it discovered time travel, I think.

edit Crew

edit TOBLER Space Program

edit The Muffinscope Catastrophe

Upon the invention of the muffinscope by Swiss mathematician Oscar Wilde on Nowvember H, 1927, there was much celebration among the scores of impoverished Swiss citizens. However, when the edibility of the muffinscope was called into question by Satan in 1996, the celebration quickly turned into mass rioting, which the media would later refer to as the Muffinscope Catastrophe. After large amounts of initial bloodshed, the Swiss government decided to take action by setting up a space program which would attempt to discover whether muffinscopes were completely edible outside of the Earth.

edit Wait a minute...what is a muffinscope?

Muffinscope
This object might be a muffinscope.

Perhaps a better question to start with would be, what isn't a muffinscope? The answer to this, of course, is "well, almost everything in the world." To aid in your understanding of the muffinscope, the following is a list of items that most certainly are not muffinscopes:

edit Objectives of toblerONE

The purpose of the toblerONE mission was threefold. It was designed to answer the following three questions:

  1. Are muffinscopes 100% edible in outer space?
  2. Can people live in outer space?
  3. Do electrons taste like purple or yellow?
  4. Does everything count in large amounts?
  5. In a related question, can the Swiss count to three?

edit Involvement of the United States

As the final question had already been answered as a resounding no, the Swiss then approached the Americans to help man the mission. The only requirement for inclusion in the mission, as set by the Swiss, was that the astronauts must be able to count to three. The Swiss also preferred that the astronauts be cyborgs, but were willing to make some sacrifices.

edit Entrance exam

edit Background

The US recruitment team managed to receive 83 quadrillion applicants to the program, and as such, was forced to create a complicated entrance exam in which only those who successfully answered every problem would be permitted to take part in the mission. Few survived.

edit Questions

1. You are h feet straight up from the surface of a spherical world of radius r. How far can you can see along the circumference?

A. 1 Q + 2 7 R.
B. To the horizon of appearance of the problems of postmodern identity politics; capital.
C. For miles, and miles, and miles, and miles, and miles, and miles, and miles.
D. Chandler.

2. Daniel, the flying ninja squirrel, has his 3rd birthday today, and must prove his male-squirrel-hood through a dangerous rite of passage. He has chosen to do so by gliding across a river, of width d, from a tree of height h. If air resistance is proportional to velocity times area by a constant k, and the area of his spread arms and body is A, and his mass is M, find the force with which he must push off from the tree to make it across, assuming it will be evenly applied for half a second and neglecting horizontal air resistance.

A. The next cardinal infinity after aleph-null, in jiggawatz.
B. Enough to kill a man in combat.
C. Neither new, nor a nude Japanese girl.
D. Chandler.

3. A certain rap song includes in the chorus the lyrics "I say you a wanksta, and you need to stop frontin'." Given the following other lyrics for context, how ought "wanksta" to be interpreted? "You say you a gangsta, but you never pop none." "You go down to the dealership, but you never cop nuttin'." "You been hustlin' a long time, but you ain't got nuttin'."

A. "Ah, the Clash."
B. "bool isStupid ( Face *F ) { return F->whose == yours; }"
C. "The jury finds you guilty of being a redneck, whitebread, chickenshit motherfucker."
D. "Chandler."

4. Who is the third who walks always beside you?

A. Slavoj Zizek.
B. Telegraph Sam; my main man.
C. The dark specter of the all-pervasive power of the Reptilian bloodlines – also known as Jesus, Lord of the Dance.
D. Chandler.

5. Which of the following is NOT one of the twenty scopes?

A. Polariscope.
B. Agonyscope.
C. Airportscope.
D. Chandlerscope.

edit Answers

1. C. 2. B. 3. A. 4. A. 5. D.

  • NOTE: It should be noted, so please take a note of the fact that the exam fails to test whether or not the taker has the ability to count to three. Please make a note of this, as it might be important, maybe. So write it down. Now. Thank you.

edit Mission timeline and highlights

edit November 18, 2005

  • 5
  • 4
  • 3
  • 2
  • 1
  • BLAST OFF!

edit November 19, 2005

  • Peter gets audited by the U.S. Internal Revenue Service and is denied a tax refund. His plans to build a backyard pool are further derailed when a request for a zoning variance leads to Mayor Adam West revealing that Peter's house is not even part of the United States. On the advice of the diplomat from Iraq, Peter declares his house to be the new nation of "Petoria" and annexes Joe's pool, calling it "Joe-hio". The United States then blockades the nation of Petoria and Peter is forced into negotiating for a repatriation, after Lois and the children leave him at the threat of "Operation bomb-the-crap-out-of-your-house."

edit November 20, 2005 (4 of 4)

  • Dr. Gene Ray mathematically proves that π = 3.20. Four times the integral from negative of d7 cries.

edit September 3, 1974

  • Whoa, what the fuck just happened to the clocks?
  • The toblerONE apparently has begun moving backwards through time.

edit May 1, 1958

  • Arturo Frondizi loses his title as President of Argentina, as the ship is moving backwards.

edit Long March 32, 1934

  • The crew begins to experience serious cases of chronomotive nausea. Neither "doctor" on board is capable of helping.
  • Everything goes green for about five minutes...but then returns back to normal.

edit Gaypril 9, 1931

  • Sexual tension on the ship reaches an all-time high.
  • Four times the integral from negative of d7 manages to lock himself in a closet, and blame the rest of the crew. His whining is getting really fucking annoying.

edit Megajuly 39, 1927

  • toblerONE splashes down in Lake Titicaca, around 78 years before it took off. Most notable about this is the fact that the craft landed before the invention of the muffinscope.

edit Excerpts from crew diaries


While the list of events displayed above provides a general background of the timeline of events on the voyage, it does not provide a suitable level of information regarding what each crew member went through during the ship's mission. As such, we have secretly posted a selection of excerpts from their diaries to give you, the reader, a more complete understanding of the mission on a personal level. And let's hope they never find out.

Unfortunately, the selection of diary entries is far too long for this page, so please see the appropriate subpage to access them.

edit Conspiracy theories



Like all space missions, the toblerONE voyage was susceptible to conspiracy theories.

See the appropriate subpage for further discussion.

edit Aftermath

edit Analysis of the mission's main objectives

The toblerONE voyage is famous mostly because of the fact that it failed to complete any of the original objectives set out for it. The main goal of the mission was to test whether muffinscopes are edible outside of the Earth's atmosphere. The crew of the ship blatantly forgot to test this, despite constantly being bombarded with flashing warnings and reminders during the course of the mission.

The crew was also supposed to launch a robot which would test the abilities of the average human to live on their own in outer space. How a robot would be able to figure this out remains a mystery, but the fact of the matter is, the crew forgot to launch the fucking thing anyway.

You know what, I'm too fucking mad at those idiots to keep analyzing all of their fucking mistakes. Jackasses.

edit Space-time continuum ruined

Worldline
Obviously, the toblerONE world line looks like a horse.

What the toblerONE did discover, however, was that time is not linear in the normal universe. As the clock struck 2300 GMT on November 20, 2005, the toblerONE accidentally created a massive hole in the space-time continuum, and proceeded to travel backwards in time from there until 1927, upon which, after crashing down in Lake Titicaca, time (from the crew's perspective) began moving forward again.

From the world line (or panic azimuth), as shown to the right, the path of the ship through time obviously looks like a horse. Also, note that in the diagram, the N-axis is mislabeled as the Q-axis. My bad. Based upon this, it can be assumed that the toblerONE broke the laws of conventional physics, and pissed off some horses while they were at it.

Therefore, it can be argued that the toblerONE opened a hole to an alternate universe, where the crew now finds themselves stuck.

There remains the argument of whether or not the hole created by the toblerONE still exists, and if the hole will cause a problem for this universe in the future.

edit The continuing muffinscope saga and the toblerTWO?

As a result of the failed mission, the muffinscope catastrophe is still an ongoing event. Massive rioting throughout central and eastern Europe continues today, as the public continues to demand that the edibility of muffinscopes be discovered once and for all.

As such, the Swiss government, no longer in association with the United States, has begun drawing up plans for a second mission in the TOBLER program. They are hopeful to have a spacecraft designed by 2006, and a crew named by 2007.

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