User:Mr Gridenko/List of Mortal Kombat Characters

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This article is designated to the profiles and bios of famous people who participated in Mortal Kombat, the deadliest game of water polo on Earth.


edit Johnny Kage

Johnny Cage

Johnny Kage in action.

Johnny Kage is an American gay-porn movie celebrity trained in yoga and midget kokkpunching terrorism. He decides to enter the Mortal Kombat tournament after his friend Ray Davies konvinces him that celluloid heroes never feel any pain and never really die, thus making him the sure winner.

Some players say Kage is unfairly fast due to the vast amounts of Kokaine he snorts before each fight, though most players agree this is common for Hollywood action stars and the fakt that his ass is exploding from the yayo.

Some of his notable moves are:

  • Yoga Kockpunch - Johnny does a split and assaults the opponents genitals with his fist.
  • Shadow Kockpunch - Leaving a trail of shadows Johnny slides across the screen to assault his opponents genitals.

Note: Johnny Kage's low punch is also a kokkpunch, proving that he has an obsession with others people krotches. Punching other people's krotches that is. Sometimes he will even punch his own krotch.

edit Kobra

Kobra is Ken's apprentice. He didn't get invited to the Street Fighter tournament so he bekame a evil karate master and killed Jaden Smith.

Special moves:

  • Hadouken - Shoot's a fireball out of his hands, really original. Can be used for spamming.
  • Shoryuken - A flying uppercut, still original.
  • Tatsumaki Senpuukyaku - Spin and kick like a idiot.
  • (Fatality) Shinryuken - Kobra is so original he punched Dan Hibiki in the face.

edit Kano

Main article: Kano

Kano is an overly horny, interesting, and lovable Australian thug. He most noticeable by his thick goatee and his metal plate on the right side of his face. He lost the sight of his right eye (as well as a good chunk of the right side of his face due to a massive beat down by Jax. Rather than get an eye patch like every pirate wannabe, Kano replaced his eye with a massive metal plate complete with a glowing red eye (making him look very much like the Terminator). Kano is obviously in love with Sonya Blade and has made it his life's mission to get in between her thighs and get a "break" (in simple terms, a headscissors. And if you don't know what that is, then fuck you, I ain't in the mood to explain wrestling moves). His hobbies include drinking wine, going to nightclubs, eating chicken, and getting breaks from exotic women.

Special moves:

  • Eye Beams! - Using his eyebeam he melts the opponents' cheese supplies.
  • "Take Me Home" - Kano (Phil Collins) says in a very dumb and stupid voice - "Heyyy... Take me home..." and then headbutts the confused victim in the balls using the metal side of his face, causing critical damage.
  • (Fatality) "Two Hearts" - Using his hand, Kano (Phil Collins) delves into his opponent's chest and pulls out their heart. It is rumored he then eats it, thus adding their power to his own, or so say many Hopi Indians.
  • Give Me A Break - Not really an attack. Kano simply asks female opponent to give him a break. They will respond by wrapping their thighs around his neck, bringing him to the ground, and then snapping his neck with their legs. Kano has the amazing ability to survive getting his neck snapped because he fitted it with a rubber muscle and bone beneath the skin. Thus he can get headscissored all he wants and he won't die.

edit Raiden

Flynn1

Raiden performing the 'superman' attack from behind.

Raiden the god of thunder and incidentally, flatulence joined Mortal Kombat in 1942. Raiden has the power of lightning, thunder, flatulence and of course verbal diarrhea which allow him to become one of the favorites favored by Earth.

Some of his attacks include:

  • Lighting Strike - Summons the power of lightning by holding up a large metal pole in the middle of a thunderstorm.
  • Superman - Flies towards an enemy in the shape of superman whilst screaming the words 'Better than Jackie Chan!'
  • (Fartality) Body Explosion - Raiden holds in his fart so badly that it makes his body swell to epic proportions. At this stage, he grabs his foe and bursts in a smelly explosion, taking his foe with him into utter oblivion. If the explosion doesn't kill them, the smell will!

edit Liu Kang

(Former member of "The 3 Monkies!")

Hampster attack

Liu Kang performs his hamster Animality on the unsuspecting victims of Hong Kong.

Liu Kang, descendant of legendary roundhouse kicker - Chuck Norris, is the 500000th runner-up champion of Mortal Kombat. He is well known as a 4 time Mortal Kombat Champion. He also is known for his stint with the WWE in which he freed it from Shang Tsung 's tyranny. He was fired after Vince McMahon gained control of the company following Tsung's defeat. Kang would go on to compete in many more Mortal Kombat tournaments and then he would go on to have a short stint in TNA where he became a 10 time X-Division Champion and 4 time TNA champion. He would return to the WWE in 2056 in which he competed in the very last Wrestlemania, Wrestlemania XXX. He would go on to compete and win the Money In The Bank Ladder match, winning a championship match within the following year. He would cash it in latter in the night following Triple H 's third Fatal 8 way Elimination Chamber match (in which he became a 9,000,000,002 time World Heavyweight Champion) and defeat Triple H to become the WWE's last World Heavyweight Champion.

Some of his attacks include;

  • Bicycle Kick - Liu Kang grabs a nearby bicycle, cycles past the victim and kicks them in the arse as he passes them.
  • Flying Kick - Liu Kang does as it says, he does a flying kick into the face of the opponent; unfortunately, all of his kicks break his legs instantly, no saving throw.
  • Fireball - His classic move where he sets a ball on fire and throws it at the enemy. He can also crouch down and throw it at someone's crotch.
  • (Fatality) BloodStorm - Liu Kang summons an arcade machine from the heavens. Instead of something fun, it's BloodStorm, a ripoff that killed everyone around it.

edit Scorpion

Main article: Scorpion
Scorpion from MK

A rare picture taken of Scorpion relaxing.

Under that mask he wears is a flaming head (No wonder "Ghost Rider" is angry). He favors rocky arenas allowing him to secretly attack the unsuspecting player from behind by stinging them in the ankle. He is also one of the badasses capable of owning losers like you.

Some of his attacks include;

  • Intestinal Grab - Fires his own intestines at the opponent and drags the victim towards himself. This usually does more damage to Scorpion unfortunately. This attack is usually accompanied by the well known phrase "Wellingtons over here".
  • hax0rs - Teh Scorpion grabs a pacifist computer nerd and throws his head at the opponent. The nerd does no damage whatsoever.
  • (Fatality) Burn!!!1 - Scorpion takes off his head to reveal a living, breathing Eyetalian. Said Eyetalian vomits on the opponent which burns his or her shoulder blades.

edit Sub-Zero (The Original)

Mrfreeze

Original Sub-Zero freezing bitches.

He is the brother or father or somebody of the duplicate Sub Zero. A ninja who upon entering the world was so devout on flipping out; flipped out of his mother's womb, landed in a plate of left over spaghetti, tripped and killed the entire light brigade using superhuman powers. In an interview with Sub Zero on his 30th anniversary of having his cooling power he was claimed to of said "We are not pleased with the light brigade, we shall execute them", the interviewer then proclaimed that he Sub Zero had already killed them. Sub Zero then proceeded to freeze the interviewers left testicle and with an almighty shatter he flicked his left testicle into pieces of about eight or so chunks. Unknown to post people his freezing abilities came about when he dived head first into a frozen lake whilst under the intoxicating drug - magma. After being cryogenically frozen in the unusually cold lake he emerged 21 years later as a fully formed ninja with self grown ninja outfit in the distinctive blue color you see him in today.

Sub0

Sub-Zero as portayed by Vanilla Ice in the 1995 film Mortal Kombat: The Movie.

After emerging from the lake he attached a 10 mm flamethrowing device to his left wrist and filled it with liquid nitrogen as apposed to the more compatible fluid - gasoline. This is how his powers came to be, this is the legend that is Sub Zero.

As time went by he became more and more obsessed by cold and often wondered how good it would be to be frozen in the middle of Neptune with no eyes to see, no ears to hear and an owl flying over head. His lunacy was soon diagnosed by a mental health institution - the Lin Kuei.

Special Moves:

  • Ice Ball - He throws a snowball at the opposing enemy; expecting critical damage, however, this rarely happens.
  • Freeze the Floor for No Apparent Reason - He freezes the floor doing absolutely no damage to his opponent giving his opponent the upperhand as the opponent's upper hand slams into his face whilst he's busy, freezing the floor.
  • (Fatality) OMFG HAX!!1! - He freezes his opponent, rips his head off, slides back, throws the head at the body which shatters both, defrosts and eats the shattered body (with a knife and fork like a real gentleman), poops it out, puts the poop in a bag, sets it on fire and puts it on his opponent's mom's doorstep.

edit Sub-Zero (The Younger)

Icekid

Younger Sub-Zero about to perform a fatality on a fish.

Yo listen up here's a story about a little guy that lives in a blue world, and all day and all night and everything he sees is just blue like him inside and outside. Blue his house with a blue little window and a blue corvette and everything is blue for him and his self, and everybody around, 'cause he ain't got nobody to listen.

Special Moves:

  • Ice Clone - He creates a snowman and skips around joyously, laughing like a small child. during this time his opponent comes to the realisation that the snowman poses no threat whatsoever and beats the living crap out of him.
  • Freeze Ball - Sub-Zero throws his left testicle at the opponent, and then dies of amnesia.
  • (Fatality) Scar Stories - He shows the opponent his eye scar, telling them about the time he got it, in a violent squirrel attack. The opponent dies of shock, as Raiden bitch slaps them before leaving through a nearby window.

edit Reptile

Geico-gecko

Don't be fooled by his apperance. 15 minutes with Reptile could save you 15% or more on your funeral service following the match.

Reptile was rumored to be a merge between Sub-Zero and Scorpion, but as he appeared in Mortal Kombat II, he's seems to be a frog eater, he is infamous of using his violent fatality "The Head Eater". Unfortunately this fatality didn't exist in the first game due to censorship.

He was also hidden in MK1, where he would sometimes pop out and taunt the players that haven't figured out the method of finding him; one player reported that Reptile made fun of him by telling him to "look to la luna, you stupid asshole!", which made the player cry. :(

Here is a list of all of his hidden messages in the first game:

  • "I am Reptile, don't look for me, I am very scared of you."
  • "Look to la luna, you stupid asshole!".
  • "Alone is how to find me, you chicken!"
  • "Humor is the key."
  • "Bestiality is the key."
  • "10,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 points if you destroy me."
  • "I wasssss a man! A MAAAN!!"

Signature moves:

  • Force Ball - Using the Force, Reptile tosses a ball at the opponent. The type of ball is random, as it could be anything from a football to a soccer ball.
  • Reptiles In A Plane - Motherfucking Reptile motherfucking summons motherfucking Samuel L. Jackson to motherfucking put a motherfucking barrier between him and the motherfucking opponent.
  • Acid Puke - Reptile pukes on his opponent with an acidic water, resulting in his opponent's illness and even his/her death.
  • (Boreality) The Head Eater - Reptile pulls out his tongue and eats the opponent's eyes, then their nose, then their own tongue, and so on. This takes so long that it bores everyone to the point of a deep sleep, so be wary of this one.

edit Sonya Blade

Was originally conceived as a female swordswoman but due to a cease and desist order from the makers of Red Sonja they removed the J from her name and made her some sort of psycho aerobics instructor. She joins the Outworld tournament to get a job as Johnny Cage's personal trainer.

Sonya's fighting styles include Tae-bo, jiggling her impossibly huge boobs and a lot of kissing and wrapping her legs around peoples faces, which makes her kind of skanky. Though she's good girl in the Mortal Kombat series, she's the primary antagonist in Mortal Kombat fanfic pr0n.

Some of her notable moves are;

  • Fuck you Dino De Laurentiis - A basic fireball, must be some sort of inside joke.
  • Square Wave Flight - Sonya utters gibberish, probably something badly translated from Japanese.
  • (Fatality) Rainbow Kiss - Kisses her opponent with a rainbow, giving them 30 types of cancer so they die eventually.
  • (Fatality 2) Pinch of Despair - Sonya pinches her opponent, causing them to go into paranoia.

edit Shang Tsung

Shang Tsung (pronounced like "tongue") is the primary villain of the entire franchise who has the power. He was once an old man and after his failure in the first game, Shao Kahn tried to use a Babality on him with the punishment of having to grow up all over again. But it botched and it only made him partially young. Unfortunately, this caused his senior citizenship to be revoked. He has also been known to change his looks after every tournament for pretty much no reason whatsoever (or to just be 'hip').

Before forming the Deadly Alliance, he formed a "Awesome Alliance" with Barney the Purple Dinosaur, then a "Not-So-Friendly Alliance" with Erin Esurance before dropping both and just forming a Deadly Alliance with Quan-Chi.

His memorable moves are:

  • Morphing - Shang Tsung morphs into anyone he pleases... his most dreaded morph was that of a hungry Rosie O' Donnell, who could allow him to eat the opponent whole and instantly win. He could also morph into other fighters: like Jack Nicholson, Chuck Norris, and Goku. He eventually dropped this ability cause it made him tired and he would have to take a nap later.
  • Fireballs - Shang fires flaming testicles at the foe. A deadly move.
  • (Fatality) Rainbow - Shang creates a joyful rainbow with his arms, freaking the opponent out into submission.
  • (Funkality) Soul Eater - Shang fires up some rad poppin' disco tunes, therefore pledging his groovallegience to the funk. GET DOWN.

edit Citana

Citana is spelled with a "C", as she is the only character get 50ft away from the franchise. She fights with paper fans, inspired by a match of Rock Paper Scissors between Oscar Wilde and Mr T. Unfortunately, the paper fans are generally useless for her.

Special moves:

  • Fan Toss - Citana tosses her fans at the enemy, often resulting in little or no injury or a paper cut.
  • Air Punch - Citana flies through the air trying to punch the opponent, only to miss horribly and fall down.
  • (Fatality) Kiss of Obesity - Citana's kiss has the opposite reaction than that a pill of ZANTRAX 3 would have, causing her opponent to rapidly gain weight and die of a heart attack.

edit Jax

Big, wild, angry stereotypical black man from tha hood who likes to fearsomely rap about his hard life in the military all while getting it on with Sonya Blade. For some goofy reason, he had his arms replaced with bionic ones, freaking out everyone around him whenever he goes around in public with them on. He also has the awesome-as-hell power of turning into a giant whenever Godzilla comes to town, which he inherited from his great grandfather, Apache Chief.

Some of his moves were:

  • I'm Gonna Git You Sucka!!! - Jax pulls out a gun and proceeds to bust a cap in your ass.
  • (Rapality) Word, Yo. - Jax starts rapping at insanely fast speeds, causing the opponent's head to a splode from the incomprehensibly fast lyrics.
  • (Fatality) Giant Jax - Jax screams "ENUCK-CHUCK, YO!!!" and becomes a 50 foot Jax. Then he walks off and drives a 50 foot Cadillac over the opponent. After that, he shows how bitchin' his ride is by showing off the hip hydraulics he got installed into it.

edit Jade

Rear

Run away! QUICK!

Jade grew up in Compton. She used to be a real slut and a gang banger in the Grips, a green variation of the Crips gang of LA before she joined Mortal Kombat, leaving her elf friend Louis Walsh behind, with her 60's ninja outfit she left to fight. She now works as a cop, who is also a ninja. Thus, a ninja cop.

Special Moves:

  • Compton Walk - Jade walks up to her opponent and rips off their balls. If done on a woman, she just walks off and opens a business account.
  • (Fatality) Butthurt - Jade leaps into the air and crushes the enemy into a pancake with her butt alone.

edit Noob Saibot

Another ninja. Much of his past is shrouded in thick pea soup. He has his Vans on, but they look like sneakaz. Some believe he is the conglomoration of all the black leather boots in the world that took human form to be the destroyer of noobs. Others believe the developers of Mortal Kombat had a freak smelting accident, and got sucked into the game. I however believe he's that crack dealing nigga that lives in the alley behind my apartment. He has beef with the MK team, who made his fighting style "Monkey", and hired Johnny Cochrane and filed a racism suit claiming that the MK team gave him the style because he was black.

Special Moves:

  • Shadow Shower - stands and eats boneless chicken while summoning a shadow of R-Kelly to piss on the opponent.
  • (Fatality) I Didn't Do It! - takes his mask off, revealing himself to be O.J. Simpson, then takes out a knife and stabs his opponent to death, then takes off his bloody gloves, and dives off the screen as police yell "FREEZE!".
  • (Chantality) Epic Lulz - shows the victim /b/ on 4chan

edit Kabal

Kabal is the unfortunate result of an accident involving a time-machine, Elmer's glue, and Jewish cults. Kabal, short for "Kabbalism", was known before as Dr. Cornelius M. Braun, an expert in time-space travel. After getting drunk and stoned, his elbow hit the red button on the time machine and changed his face with a WWI-era gas mask, the body of Rocky Balboa, the hair of Nikki Sixx, Fidel Castro's uniform, some futuristic jetpack thingie, and a dildo attacked to his jetpack. Kabal worships Satan, and has frequent orgies with his best buddies Kira, Kobra, and Kano. Since two out of three of his friends are men, we are assuming that Kabal is probably gay.

Some of his attacks include;

  • Raging Flash - Kabal throws all of his clothes off (save the mask), flashing the victim.
  • Plasma Blast - Kabal fires out plasma from his own body systems, causing injury to himself in the process.
  • Sawblades - It's important to note that Kabal gained the ability to summon some sawblades mixed with the DNA of a dog that travel along the ground to attack the opponent. These sawblades are his pets, which he named El Tigre, Hardrock, Cooper, and Joe. They died after MK3 from rust.
  • Nomad's Touch - Kabal just goes over and touches the opponent. Does only 1% damage.
  • (WTFality) Mask Rip - Taking off his mask and scaring the unsuspecting victim by showing a tattoo of a penis which just so happens to be on his forehead.

edit Ermac

Ermac is the ULTIMATE IN E.R.M.A.C. technology, and is one of the founders of the universe. He is composed of millions of souls that have died at the hands of King Godzilla. One of Ermac's many souls came from a Borg. This is why he refers to himself as "we". Ermac also believes he contains the souls of Che Guevara, Pol Pot, Josef Stalin, and Vladimir Lenin, thus explaining his cruel barbarism and love of the color red. He's worked for Apple Computers before, and that explains the "mac" at the end of his name. Rumor has it he is the first MK fighter to be implanted with the er-Mac processor chip, successor to the iMac.


His special moves are:

  • Telekinetic Throw - He throws them helluva far, like Mr. T, and won't pity th' foo'.
  • Mystic Float - Ermac flies into the air using fart propulsion. He can then use one of these two moves:
Mystic Bomb - Ermac slams his body on the ground, hurting his opponent, which is weird because he hit himself. Ermac is suspected to have hidden microscopic voodoo in his costume.
Mystic Dive - Ermac dives headfirst into the floor, breaking his head over the opponent's head.
  • Hard-on Energy - Ermac gets a boner, which allows him to shoot a fireball from his crotch.
  • (Animality) Uber-PWNage - Ermac morphs into a tiny frog, which makes his opponent scream like they're scared shitless, and then proceeds to swallow them, but only makes them explode in his mouth, which in turn makes himself explode.
  • Hara Kiri - Ermac puts bread in a toaster and overcooks it causing him to have a really dramatic seizure until he dies.

edit Khameleon

Female version of Chameleon who only appeared on the Atari version of Mortal Kombat: Trilogy. Nobody really knows who she is and she's pretty much the only character left out of Mortal Kombat: Armageddon because apparently De Noob doesn't even remember creating her at all. His explanation:

"Well, you see, we had this contest, and whoever catches an infinite combo in MKT had to take 4 shots of vodka. So, needless to say, here I was, 5 hours later, totally drunk off my ass, and I was all like, 'Let's release this shit on Atari!' and I wanted to include a secret character in there somewhere, even though we already had one...uhh...who the hell was she again?"

Obviously, De Noob has no plans putting her in any future games, since he is oblivious to her existence.

Khameleon was once married to Chameleon then divorced him. She now owns half of his stuff, and earns Alimony from him due to the charges from Judge Motaro, who also didn't recognize Khameleon. It has been thought that Khameleon will marry Reptile an unfortunate Ninja in the end of Mortal Kombat Armageddon. But it looks as if the marriage will end in divorce.

But wait! Khameleon has just been announced for the Sega Genesis version of Mortal Kombat: Armageddon, complete with Blast Processing! Holy Godfather!

Special Moves:

  • Multiple Projectile Attack - throws every MK projectile ever invented at the opponent, all at the same time. Usually this would deal tremendous damage but nobody even notices her doing anything.
  • (Fatality) CENSORED! - In a desperate attempt to get people to acknowledge her existence, she performs the most gory and gruesome killing move ever created, so graphic that it's unspeakable here on Uncyclopedia; still, no one notices at all, and she flips the phuck out and commits suicide. But no one notices that either.

edit Shinnok

His name comes from a word said in Portuguese backwards, which, in the event that the word is spelled the right way, translates into "the epitome of unoriginal, skill-wise". In MK4, he was said at that time to be the suckiest character to ever be featured in an MK game, even though he had a cool outfit. De Noob eventually apologized for this mistake, and rereleased another version of MK4 which features Soundgarden's Chris Cornell as the final boss, who is way better than Shinnok, at the very least.

Special Moves:

  • Why You Little! - Homer Simpson leaps out of a portal and chokes his opponent, then slams them onto the ground violently, afterwards disappearing in said portal.
  • Movelist Steal - Steals a certain character's entire movelist. This is a vast disadvantage, as it takes exactly 32 hours to fully load the character's data. It's pretty useless since it wears off in about 40 seconds or so.
  • (Fatality) Death Squeeze - Homer comes out again, and strangles his opponent to death, while Shinnok watches and does nothing like the lazy bastard he is. No wonder everyone kicked his ass in MK4.

edit Reiko

Robin of Batman in a rather spurious disguise and carries a multitude of ninja stars. He secretly works with Shao Kahn undercover and plans to rid of any person willing to do good for the Earth, and then soon goes back to fighting villains alongside Batman. Nobody knows why, so don't even bother asking.

It should be noted that he shares a common trait with Hotaru: they both have female names, although most people agree a feminine name would fit Robin more anyway.

Memorable moves:

  • Shuriken Barrage - While uttering the word "Telemundo!", he tosses a myriad of ninja stars which all miss the opponent completely.
  • The Blue Jay - Holy goat nipples, Batthumb!
  • (Fatality) Shuriken Death - He slaughters the opponent with a single stab, and then hangs their corpse onto a wall and plays darts with it, using his ninja stars. Of course, he misses each time, then tries to commit suicide by shooting himself in the head... and misses.

edit Jarek

Jared

Jarek chose the subway diet to slim down for the Mortal Kombat Tournament.

Also known as "KAN0'S #1 F@N LOLZOMFG", this wannabe Jarek merely imitates Kano/Phil Collins in every way possible. This is just a short phase in his long history of fandom, known to have imitated people that range from Fabio, a member of Devo, to Robert Plant and Billy-Joe Armstrong. People usually see him as harmless. Which he basically is, if you can stand his horribly annoying voice, which sounds like as if he's trying to purposely crap his pants when his intestines are empty. Otherwise, he'll win the fight without breaking a sweat.

Memorable moves:

  • DON'T HURT MY LEG! - Jarek says his most (in)famous line in MK4, which sends people laughing hysterically on the floor. During this he tries to attack them, in the middle of their amusement.
  • Random Kano Move - Steals one of Kano's moves. Kano then runs out and kicks him in the nuts for being such an unoriginal sissy.
  • (Ripoffality) Laser Slash - Wait, he stole this from Kano too. Nevermind the fact he somehow has a laser in his eye.
  • (Fatality) Chest Opener - Jarek puts his hands the victims(especially females) and pull out their heart. In doing so he could touch their breasts. ZOMG SEXUAL HARASSMENT

edit Meat

FoodMeat

Meat and his family.

Meat's true identity is that of a WWE wrestler, more specifically Stone Cold Steve Austin. He was skinned alive by a bizarre gardening accident and was brought back to life by Shang Tsung for no reason whatsoever. Even without any skin at all, he still pulls off some pretty powerful moves with very awkward animations, just like he's done before in the wrestling federation.

His new name is Meat because Shang Tsung thought it would be funny to name him this. The reason for this is because if one succeeded in beating him, the victor would have accomplished the task of "beating Meat".

He was also playable in Mortal Kombat 4. To access him, you had to stand on your head for 5 minutes while chanting Satanic rituals, then choose Quan Chi while pressing down on both the Low Punch button and your left eyeball. This is the main reason most diehard MK fans appear pale, emotionless and wear an eye patch.

Some of his moves:

  • Meat Ball - Meat rips his head off and throws it at the opponent. The drawback to this is that it instantly kills him.
  • Nut Kicker - Meat simply kicks the guy in the nads repeatedly. If it's a female, Meat pulls a male out of thin air and kicks him in the nads instead.
  • Body Mutilation - Meat injures himself to heal. It's a lot funnier than one might think.
  • (Fatality) What? - Meat says something along the lines of "Im'a gonna eat Fritos", and the opponent, confused, falls victim to a spontaneous combustion for no real reason at all.

edit Li Mei

Li Mei is a ninja who lost her mask while using it in a game of capture the flag. As did her shirt, and pants. People often remarked her as a "trashbag hoe". They are often silenced by various kicks to the face because her mentor is none other than Chuck Norris. Li Mei has a thing for killing cats.

Li Mei's special moves are:

  • Kick in the Nuts - The move every woman knows is effective. She copied the move from Johnny Cage, but then changed it to avoid him suing her for kopyright infringement.
  • Sparkler - Li Mei lights up a firework and fires it at the opponent. Unfortunately it is slow, unwieldy and the screeching noise usually deafens Li Mei anyway.
  • (Fatality) Death Attack! - Li Mei hits the opponent lots of times, waits and after getting bored of waiting for them to finally die of being beaten to death she just gives up and joins the World Wildlife Fund.
  • (Hara-Kiri) - Li Mei swallows herself whole, disappearing into nonexistence.

edit Mavado

Movado

Mavado's new watch & jewelery line, available at a Macy's near you!

Brazilian Mafiosi who was said to be grandmaster of the Red Dragon clan, but it is now clear that Daegon, the brother of Taven, who spends his spare time in a cave in the middle of nowhere with a dragon. Mavado spends his spare time bouncing around on red cords and using his really bad martial arts style of Long Fist. For an unknown reason, Hsu Hao, who is actually a huge Mongolian death lord with a laser in his chest and weird energy powers, doesn't snap his neck and take over. He recently opened his own watch and jewelery line, dubbed after his name.

Memorable moves:

  • Forward Hooks - The lame Brazilian throws a hook attached by a rope into the floor expecting it to carry him into the opposing character, but all it does is wrench his back, taking off 25% of Mavado's health.
  • Oxygen Cut Off - Mavado stretches a cord off screen grabbing a tree from the Amazon, he then proceeds to cut it down with a chainsaw, although this takes 2 rounds to execute it takes of a whopping 9% damage. Well worth the wait.
  • I Am A Thtupid Breyzeelayan Lother With A Big Red Chord With Hooks On - Mavado's trademark move, he holds out his arm extending his chords, each one striking the "victim" with the force of a harmless kitten. The other character then laughs himself into a deep sleep in which Mavado is free to try out his harmless moves.

edit Frost

Frost's Ending Deadly Alliance

Stupid n00b.

A wintry babe that serves Sub-Zero as his personal sex-toy. Sub-zero keeps her in his fridge and when he gets horny he opens it up and gets a Sub-Blowjob. Frost escaped the fridge one day and stole Sub-Zero's pimp medallion, which means she will be able to pimp him out to his stalker Scorpion. She forgot that she should defrost the medallion before putting her hands on it, and therefore was frozen to it, and then a Lin Kuei member ripped ass, causing her frozen arms and the medallion to fall to the ground and shatter. She now has cool looking icy prosthetic arms, and gels her hair with Icy Hot. Rumor has it she's the daughter of Jack Frost. Or sister. But Jackette would be a funny name for a girl. Or maybe her name is Jill Frost. Alright, alright, so maybe she doesn't have a first name or something. Look, she may or may not be related, OKAY MANG!?!

Some of her (he/it/some mixture) moves include:

  • The Santa Clause - A deadly move that causes Disney to make a string of annoying sequels with Tim Allen.
  • Old Man Winter - Frost calls Old Man Winter and he tries to blow the opponent away with his breath but doesn't even make them budge. He wears himself out doing this and takes a nap.
  • (Fatality) Nipping At Your Nose - Frost bites the opponent's nose off.

edit Nitara

Friend of Morrigan of Darkstalkers, she represents the "hot vampire chick" stereotype. She used to have the same profession as Li Mei, but realized it wasn't her calling since her fangs got in the way of "doing her job" (no need to elaborate on that). So now she works at a Hot Topic where all the adolescent boys (and occasionally girls) can't even buy anything there because they're too busy staring lovingly at her the whole time.

She is also Gene Simmons's wife, which is evident in her alternate costume.

Some of her moves include:

  • Blood Spit (more commonly known in the MK fanbase as "The Hell?") - Spits blood at the opponent. Like it's gonna damage them or anything, which it never does, unless it gives them AIDS.
  • Vampire Cry - Goes something like "WRYYYYYYYYYYYY!". Annoys enemies into submission.
  • (Fatality) Seduction - Does what a typical succubus does. You know; seduces the guy/girl, pretends like she's gonna do something sexual, then stabs them in the stomach or something. It's unknown how Gene survived this but it's performed on him every day at their house.

edit Tanya

Tanya Ilyich Khurushev Nikanor is a very popular Russian lawyer. She was famous for the controversial "pubes in my Mountain Dew" fiasco of 1966, shortly after the ninetieth Mortal Kombat tournament, and being a leading force in the Chameleon/Khameleon trial alongside Honorable Judge Motaro. She pays much tribute to her homeland of Earthrealm, is great friends with the gangsta babe Jade, and has, and I quote, "sent 9 common street hoods to jail last week."

Special Moves:

  • LAWSUIT! - Tanya tosses a lawsuit at her opponent, making them cringe in a judicial world of hurt.
  • Blini Blast - The pissed lawyer throws the pipin' hot leftovers of last night's blini on the opponent, giving them minor burns.
  • Twisting Corkscrew - Tanya pulls out a box of corkscrews and femininely flings them at the opponent. What did you think the purpose for her carrying those around was anyway? *shifty eyes*

edit Kobra

Some dumbass Ken Masters wannabe. He started trying to kill a bunch of people because whenever someone would tell him that he's obviously a retarded cosplayer with no life, he'd start to get very hostile. He's often attacked and has his ass handed to him daily, but nobody cares. You know. Since he's an idiot and should go back to where he belongs.

He also has a twin brother called Guwoyuuken, who is a Ryu wannabe. Guess it runs in the family or something.

Some of his moves:

  • Shakunetsu-Shinkuu-Hadou-Ya-Otome-Overdrive - A stupidly-named projectile attack, since it makes even Dan Hibiki's fireball look intimidating.
  • Bitchy Bitch Slap - Attempts a weak bitchy slap at the opponent's face.
  • (Fatality) Imitation - The real Ken comes out, murders Kobra, and then kicks the opponent in the head, afterwards fleeing.

edit Havik

Likes to feel his own balls *cough* I mean; Havik is just a loser who has half of his face ripped off, but is too stupid to cover it up, when he's not snapping his neck he likes to poke cows (not like that you sick freak) in their eyes. He hangs himself from the ceiling, then when someone walks by he cuts the noose and falls on top of them, but just to scare them, he doesn't like to kill people, because that's just mean.

Some of his attacks include;

  • (Dumbality) Ball Choke - He obviously sneaks behind the opponent, grabs his balls and chokes the opponent with them, at the same time giving a terrible scream like some retarded still born Indian.
  • (Lamality) Fly Away! - Havik ties a balloon onto the opponent hoping s/he'll float away but it doesn't work. Causes the game to crash.

edit Hotaru

A man with a girl's name who was mistaken as a girl upon birth. Hotaru believes he is a firefly, and wears armor all over and old pink flags on his back. He believes he is a firefly so much that he dances around at night, waving a flashlight around. He was once a jailer, but was fired for disturbing inmates with his flashlight. This aroused the ire of his archenemy who hired a mercenary to put him in a large glass bottle. He now works as a cop.

Some of his moves are:

  • The Buttlight - Hotaru bends over and shoots a ray of light out of his butt at his enemy.
  • Grasshopper - Pulls out a grasshopper and flings it at the opponent, hoping it will do damage or at least freak them out.
  • Lava Burst - Hotaru chucks a lava lamp on the floor which breaks and spills all over the place. Heals the opponent for some reason.
  • FIREFLY!!! - Sets himself on fire, which in turn kills him.

edit Kai

(Former member of "the 3 Monkies!")

Kai is an Ice Cube look alike after realizing kids don't like The Rock anymore (whom of which he resembled on MK4). Kai instead took the form of a crazed Ice Cube clone and remains mysterious and scared of hermaphrodites. Kai is also a district attorney for "Orphans Without Arms and Legs Association. See OWALA for more details. Kai is also at times, The McDonald's night time manager and beats his employees with old burgers or McFlurries until they are dead or learn that people are hungry-assed people and want their food not just fast, but MOTHER-FUCKING FAST!!! Kai hails from Czechoslavakia despite his dark color, and he is a fan of the song Dragostea Din Tei by those Ozone guys.

Kai's Moves include:

  • Rising Fireball - In which he will spank your mom with a skillet.
  • Lowering Fireball - He will pimp out yo ride and then steal it cuz you are his enemy.
  • Roundhouse Kick - He loves Chuck Norris movies and has seen Walker: Texas Ranger shows 15 times per episode.
  • Breakdance - Kai will fall flat on his face, laying there for 25–50 minutes until someone calls an ambulance.
  • Flight - Kai will pretend he is Superman and make a woosh sound as he stands on his tippy-toes and make like he's flying.

edit Shao Kahn

Is a turkey hunter and part time Pizza Hut worker, In his youth he hunted turkey with Dick Cheney and was shot in the face. (Thus the helmet he wears over his face) Kahn is now the ruler of Outworld and made a part time appearance on CNN in 1996 for being a poopy head, then made an appearance on VH1's best week ever for being a poopy head, and appeared 47 times on late night with Conan O'Brien for being a poopy head (45 times in a row) possible Al Queda interviews (once) and arguably the best movie actor in 1994 (once) Kahn tried to make a music video once called "Arm and Hammer" in 1988 but failed to hit the media after Godzilla crapped on the song. Kahn now lives in china (the province of what was the Chun Li Dynasty)

Shao Kahn's Moves are

  • Hammer Time - Kahn will play the MC Hammer song and do the Hammer Pants Dance.
  • Ha-Ha! - Kahn will act mean and just like a poopy head and laugh at your misfortunes :(
  • Snot Spit - Kahn will spit a huge wad of green snot at the opponent. Yick.
  • SHUT UPPA YOUR FACE! - Kahn will shout at you and mention his muscle size and steroid enhancements without the use of steroids!

edit Quan Chi

Quan Chi is a French-Canadian blueneck from Quebec, his name actually pronounced as Fren-Chi. He became famous when Midway was looking for a guy who could fluently speak English but was not of Saxon origins. Then he ate too much poutine and turned to the bad side of separatist referendums.

Quan Chi's Moves are as follows:

  • Steal - Quan Chi steals your weapons and sells them to Vietnam to get a Vietnamese prostitute named Ming to come to him.
  • Shokan Smush - Being a wanna be Shokan and using the phrase "whats up fo armz?" usually offending actual Shokans (Goro Sheeva) or Shokan Decent (Kintaro) in which Quan Chi jumps and dances on the opponent and says "aah, yeah foo, fo' armz is better den 2, dawg!"

edit Moloch

Moloch is a Transylvanian transvestite with a temper. S/he used to be an established painter but now Moloch changed and is a Male or a Male look alike and wants to crush and destroy everything in his/her path including every toilet seat in the state of Wyoming! Moloch likes to eat at Sonic and masturbate to mashed potatoes and cucumbers often. With his/her giant steel ball, s/he is a force to be reckoned with! Moloch has the following moves:

  • Creamer - Don't ask, don't tell!
  • PMS - Unfortunately for the victim, Moloch still has his or her PMS from when Moloch was a female. Now the opponent will have his head explode due to shrieks of udder PMSfullness.
  • (Fatality) The Snarl - Moloch will snarl and the opponent will explode for no reason.

edit Kintaro

Kintaro (A.K.A Shere Khan, A.K.A Tony the Tiger, A.K.A Tigger) is some four armed asshole from Wisconsin. He serves Shao Kahn for no reason, because he can overpower Shao Kahn, but acts stupid and obeys Kahn instead. Kintaro is a jerk and mean to people. He farts in the food at McDonald's then Kai/Chameleon (depending on which shift you work) Scalls at him for this ludicrous behavior. Kintaro often makes babies cry and is a rude man, proving the stereotype Goro despises! Kintaro also thinks he is "Shere Kahn" from the Jungle book....that explains his hatred for starving Indian (from India) children!

Some of Kintaro's Moves are:

  • Scary Face - Kintaro looks at a baby or infant and makes them cry.
  • Meany Pants Four Arms - Kintaro unfairly taxes his opponents while entrapping them on an island in stronghold (a video game for the PC), PLUS he has four arms!
  • (Fatality) Fart of Eternity - Kintaro farts in his opponents face and they smell for all eternity no matter how much they bathe.

edit Chameleon

Little is known of Chameleon, see he was the entrepreneur of the Sicilian Oil co. and he changes his skin color (not to be confused with Michael Jackson) Chameleon also hides well some say he is a pussy for doing that but he says he is smart. Well, to each his own. Chameleon is a ninja and is more memorable then Khameleon, his bitchy ex-wife. The civil Courts Case was held and ruled by Honorable Judge Motaro (More on Motaro if you read his bio). Chameleon lost half his stuff and money, owes alimony for 15 more years and has a dead end Job as McDonald's day shift manager. He usually vents his anger calling his employees a myriad of names, some of which include "fucking jackasses," "wastes of life" and an unknown phrase, since it seems that Chameleon's just spitting out random words without thinking. One of these has been heard as "shiny crystallize ASSFACE ASSHOLE JOHNNY", or so they say.

Chameleon's moves consist of:

  • Management - Chameleon will posses an employee of McDonald's as his servant or mobile unit.
  • Change Colors - Does only what it says.

edit Motaro

Also known as "The honorable Judge Motaro" was solely responsible for the divorce of the century, the Chameleon v. Khameleon Case, which made him a B-list celebrity. This was after the Motaro lost his back legs in an unfortunate chain-mail incident, not emailing a note clearly directing him to mail said letter to ten other people or face the consciences.

Before the case and Mortal Kombat Motaro also lead a brief acting career where he stared lead in ‘Motaro’s Law’ until it was put on hiatus after bad ratings and incoherent script. After the landmark case and Motaro new B-list fame Motaro’s Law was revived and NBC ordered a second series of twenty episodes. The show was again threatened with cancellation after Motaro’s real life death seven episodes into production, this was eventually sorted out with Johnny Cage replacing Motaro, the change being explained away by saying ‘Different? Oh I shaved today.” The public didn’t mind, with only hardcore fans complaining or noticing the difference and the show was a success with twelve more series order.

Originally Motaro served Shao Kahn, his career as a judge making him an ideal fighter and death squad leader, this was so long as those "four armed freaks" (Shokan) were oppressed and forced to work in mind numbing food service jobs. Motaro especially hated Shokan warrior Sheeva, whom he battled but lost to and was killed by her in his own courtroom, by grinding him into half price sausages, except for the head that was kept as a trophy but then sold on Ebay.

In death Motaro was reunited with his left leg, unfortunately his right leg had done some unmentionable things in the past and was in the 'bad place'.

Some of Motaro's moves are:

  • Goat Horn - He rams his horns in his enemy’s ass.
  • Mistrial - Motaro whacks you with his judge gavel, then forces you to eat it.
  • Divorce - Motaro forces you to divorce your wife/husband and give them half your life.

edit Sheeva

Sheeva is the helpless damsel character, she has four arms and a Mohawk. She is also the second most muscle bound of all the Mortal Kombat character losing out to Jade. In her first appearance Sheeva was there as an alternate to the more feminine Goro.

Sheeva was given the task of protector of Queen Sindel, but she failed miserly. As Sindel was commonly battled in the game and temporally crippled, this caused Sindel to file a lawsuit against Sheeva for negligence while on duty. Sheeva appeared in court and won after defeating and killing Judge Motaro, this was despite the task being unnecessary as Sindel was still a cripple and foreigner, so under law was not allowed to be part of the legal system.

Motaro was the natural enemy of Sheeva and four armed beings everywhere being a Judge, Four armed freaks have always been rivals with Judges in their native homeland for no real reason. Most believe the hate began when both species took opposing sides in the Great Cola Wars.

After Mortal Kombat Sheeva took a job as a tap dancer, a shoe model and world renowned soccer player fully utilizing her four arms to there most profitable existent.


Some of Sheeva’s notable moves include.

  • Pinch - Sheeva pinches her opponent all over.
  • Tickler - Sheeva holds down her opponent, then with her free arms mercilessly tickles her opponents armpits and neck.
  • (Fatality) Super Ultra Mega Tickle 9000 - Sheeva does a Super Move version of the above move, only it makes them die.

edit Sindel

Sindel was once the Queen of England, but soon defected to the Outworld and sort of died, but also then came back to life. Sindel makes her living by screaming, which classifies her as insane, since, as she's said so herself, screaming is her hobby. Although she does other things, she just prefers to scream. It was said that she was once Shao Kahn's queen, but all her screaming would cause them to have a divorce, thus she now fights for the good guys... but they can't seem to stand her either, since she's a screaming goth loony.

Some of her moves include:

  • Scream - What Sindel does best.
  • SHUT UP!!! - Sindel screams "SHUT UP!" at the foe.
  • ARRRGRGRGRHRHGHGH!!! - Sindel runs around in a circle, screaming at the air.
  • EYAAAAAAGH!!! - Sindel flies around while screaming. Gets annoying quickly.
  • I SCREAM FOR ICE CREAM!!! - Sindel will scream until she gets ice cream.
  • (Screamality) AAAAAAAAAA!!! - Sindel screams at the opponent until they call the asylum to take her away.

edit Fujin

Good at both blowing, sucking and having a cool ponytail. Fujin makes for a great night. (meaning his wind power makes a gentle breeze making it easier for one to rest). Fujin is the long-lost brother of Hyo Imawano of Rival Schools. He is also the God of Wind, butter, and mashed potatoes. He works hard for a living his payment per hour is $4.20! Fujin hates his job (heheh) but does it anyways.

Some of Fujin's Moves include:

  • Blowing Hard - Fujin uses the power of a hurricane to throw his opponent far far away.
  • Sucking Greatly - Fujin uses his ultimate tornado causing the enemies to come to him and get slapped.
  • Crossbow - Fujin acts gay and distracts his opponents with his pony tail and thinks of a plan to escape.

edit Kung Lao

Kung Lao is the friend and ally of Liu Kang and Kai, In which case Kung Lao wanted to make a show in 1937 in black and white called "The 3 Monkies" which was a slapstick comedy based on the 3 Shaolin Monks, parody of the Three Stooges. Kai took over as Larry, Kung Lao took over as Curly, and Liu Kang took over as Moe. The slap stick comedy didn't last long, but gained a few laughs. He also has a very sharp hat. No, I mean, it's literally sharp around the edges. That is once fancy, sharp hat, I wonder where I can get a hat like that.

Some of Kung Lao's moves are:

  • Slap Stick! - Kung Lao proceeds to slap Kai and then get slapped by Liu Lang, while he is poked in the eyes by Kai, in a never ending cycle.
  • Nyuk nyuk nyuk! - Kung Lao proceeds to laugh like Curly.
  • Hats Off To Ya! - Lao casually tosses his hat to the opponent, who catches it.
  • (Stoogality) Woowoowoowoowoo! - Kungy says "woowoowoowoowoo!" like Curly from the Three Stooges. He then proceeds to seriously contemplate throwing his hat to kill his foe, and then Kai slaps him to hurry him up. He whines about how Kai treats him, and Liu Kang then pokes Kai in the eyes. Basically, this causes the opponent to laugh themselves into an explosion of body parts.

edit Smoke

Smoke

Smoke, attacking Jax as he regularly does.

Smoke was once the main character of the leading tobacco corp. Smoke was first seen on a pack of Joe Camel, Marlboro and Menthols. He enters Mortal Kombat II first due to the entrance of if Earth realm wins then smoking is Taxed and commercials are banned!, With this in Mind Smoke (Snoop Dogg in his former life) will stop at nothing to stop amendment 3 in all states and to allow commercials back on the Air!

Moves include!

  • Cancer - Smoke will give his opponent cancer, killing them eventually.
  • Chronic! - This overdoses the opponent and makes them crave cripsy creme donuts insatiably!
  • Ey, Dawg! - Smoke will take off his mask revealing the face of Snoop Dogg, which is an exact rip off of Scorpion's fire fatality, except with Snoop Dogg's head instead of a skull and smoke instead of fire.
  • (Clumsality) Oops! - Smoke trips and falls on a convienently placed red button that appears out of nowhere which blows up the Earth.

edit Kenshi

Kenshi was supposed to be the son of some sort of samurai family but he got bored one day while his father farted on about old ways and the past. He then, during a star war's convention, blinded himself in a freak plastic lightsaber accident. He now fights in order to see Chewy and the rest of those star wars goons.

Moves Include

  • Tele Push - Kenshi attempts to use the force on the opponent to push them away but fails as the opponent laughs until he/she hurts from the pain.
  • Tele Slam - Same thing, except he makes a funny gesture while doing the move.
  • Wall Slam - Kenshi charges at the opponent but more often than not he hits a wall and hurts himself.
  • Tele Assault - Kenshi spasms around for a few seconds.
  • (Fatality) Tele Death - Kenshi tries more force-type moves but eventually gives up and throws his plastic lightsaber at the opponent.

edit Sareena

Sareena used to work as Quan Chi's sex slave, but escaped while he was distracted watching an episode of the Teletubbies. She travelled for months hoping to find civilization, and encountered a travelling circus. After performing favours for the main act, Shinnok The Clown, she got a job as The Fabulous Sareena, a knife thrower. That was, until... the accident. She got fired and went back to being Quan Chi's biatch.

Special moves:

  • Cross Kick - Sareena knocks the opponent onto a cross.
  • Knife Throw - Sareena throws a knife into the opponents hands and feet.
  • CRUCIFY!! - Sareena waits until the opponent dies on the cross.
  • Crotch Stab - Sareena stabs her opponet in the crotch.
  • Gibsonality - Sareena films it all and sells copies making $610,000,000.

edit Bo Rai Cho

A fat Dominican lardo who, after having being refused for a 'special' present from Li Mei (note: he is the only one to survive a Li Mei kick attack) he decided to get into shape. Unfortunately his idea of getting into shape is to consume lots of various types of liqour and then puke over the other fighters. Needless to say Li Mei is still refusing to give him a special present.

Moves Include:

  • Puke Puddle - Bo Rai Cho is violently sick on the floor. The opponent then looks on in wonder as they try and think about the various causes and effects in puking. However with them thinking for so long it gives Bo Rai Cho a chance to actually get up off his fat ass.
  • Belly Bounce - Bo Rai DoIhavetowritetherestofhisname charges at the opponent sending them flying off his giant jelly belly. They usually fly quite far. As of this moment the record is set by Nitara, flying over 1000 miles (though some say she cheated with those wings of hers).
  • (Fatality) FAT-ALITY! - Bo decides enough is enough and jumps on top of the opponent. Needless to say as well, not much is left of the opponent after having been jumped on and practically exploded! However, there is a 95% chance he will miss, causing himself to explode and resulting in an automatic Hara-Kiri, therefore ending your game.
  • FARTALITY! -Bo Rai Cho eats about 8 burritos then farts on a fire,thus having the smell kill him but first give the opponent cancer.

edit Blaze

Blaze

Blaze posing seductively for his crazed fanboys.

It is said that a human from Earthrealm went to a lava pit and threw himself in. (This was one of his former Hara-Kiri moves), but he didn't die, his body became ablaze, and he became Blaze, and now he heats up hamburgers and chickens in many restaurants in celebration for the new champion of Mortal Kombat without heaters.

There was a rumor about Blaze that his body grows every 100 years, the rumor became true when Blaze reappeared in Armageddon as a giant, flaming wrestler (He even challenged The Rock but was defeated), and the final boss of the game.

Signature moves:

  • Uppercut of Fire - Blaze performs a very very very very very very very very very very powerful uppercut on his opponent that will knock them so high off the screen that they'll come back up from under the ground.
  • Taunt - Blaze taunts the opponent, he will say "You cannot extinguish my flames!". But this only causes the opponent to laugh and restore their health.
  • Flame Roll- Blaze rolls himself up in a ball and tries to roll at his opponent. But it comes so slowly that his foe easily steps to the side and avoids it.
  • Hara-Kiri - Blaze calls the fire department on himself and they put him out, therefore extinguishing him.

edit Cyrax

File:Cyrex.gif

His official name is Xyrax, a poor African warrior who challenges the younger Sub-Zero to take over the Lin Kuei to donate for his natives. There's no complete information about this character, but Sub-Zero saw an easy way to eliminate Cyrax. He was roboticized to serve Sub-Zero, but a bug entered his body and he was reprogrammed to kill him instead. Sub-Zero ordered one of his warriors to remove the bug and kick his ass, but he yelled "This bug is ELECTRIC! I can't touch it!" since he was such a wimp. Eventually, Sub-Zero gave up and served Cyrax as a coffee maker.

Cyrax is known to be the best Charleston dancer in the realms.

Signature moves:

  • Hara-Kiri (Self-Destruction) - If the opponent taunts him, he will explode with no reason.
  • Charleston - Cyrax dances the Charleston. Because he is the best at it, the opponent will challenge him for another match.
  • (Fatality) Robotic Shark - If Cyrax did the Charleston, and if won the next match, he will transform into a robotic shark and eat the opponent. If the opponent is Sektor, Smoke, or Sub-Zero, they will wail "MOMMY!". It is said that they stole the phrase from countless infants.

edit Sektor

Another cyber ninja, his storyline is the same as Cyrax, with some little differences, the differences between his storyline and Cyrax's storyline are:

  • Cyrax has an official name, while Sektor has none.
  • Cyrax is a rich, while Sektor is poor.
  • Cyrax wants the Lin Kuei to donate for his natives, while Sektor wants the Lin Kuei with no reasons but to have million dollars, Sektor is known for his avarice.
  • After roboticization, Cyrax became a yellow robot ninja, while Sektor became a red robot ninja.
  • A bug entered Cyrax's body, while a bee entered Sektor's body.
  • Cyrax was reprogrammed to kill Sub-Zero, while Sektor was reprogrammed to serve the bee.
  • Sub-Zero served Cyrax as a coffee maker, while he served Sektor as a Tekunin servant.
  • Cyrax is the best Charleston dancer, while Sektor is the worst.

Signature moves:

  • Hara-Kiri (Meteor Death) - Sektor hovers to the space like a bird, which a meteor strikes him to pieces, his pieces will be buried in Mars, in the Sega Saturn version of Mortal Kombat Trilogy, the pieces will be buried in Saturn instead.
  • Charleston - Sektor dances the Charleston, because he's the worst Charleston dancer, the opponent will not challenge Sektor for a final match.

edit Drahmin

A good friend of Moloch, Drahmin is a wrestler wears a strange mask, known of him that he didn't take a shower from 1000 years, as a result, he was guarded by many flies, he was a strong wrestler who challenged many other wrestlers and defeated them, such as Batista, Steve Austin, and Randy Orton, also many wrestlers defeated him, such as The Rock, Undertaker, and Meat, he learned wrestling from the Iron Wrestling Club.

Signature moves:

  • Request - Drahmin orders some of his flies to attack, the flies will hover and attack the opponent by flying around them and just being annoying. This will continue for 40 hours until the opponent kills him/herself or the player does from all the noise and waiting.
  • Buy My Mask - Drahmin asks the opponent to buy his mask. The opponent shells out $50 for what they find out to be a worthless piece of shit that has no power whatsoever, making them cry because they got ripped off.

edit Rain

Rain is a singer who challenges other kombatants in the Mortal Kombat tournament, in order to make people believe that he's a strong warrior, he bought Sub-Zero's garment and painted it into purple, he's able to use water to make his opponents bathe.

It is said that he's Taven and Daegon's half brother, unlike his half brothers, he possesses the power of water, while they possesses the power of fire. He also possesses the power to pull out an electric guitar that he keeps hidden in his pant leg, and plays a multitude of sweet riffs until the opponent's head explodes from the awesomeness. Why does he wear purple anyway? You think he's gay?

Signature moves:

  • Water Blast - Rain pulls out a Super Soaker 700000000 and blasts the opponent with it.
  • Summon Rain - Rain jumps up into the air and falls down on his opponent.
  • Summon Lightning - Rain summons a bolt of lightning from the sky! It mainly only strikes himself.
  • Mystic Vapors - You don't want to know.
  • Body Controller - Rain shoots a white ball on his opponent, which he/she will fly to any country he chooses.
  • Wet - Rain trows a water balloon at the opponent, making the opponent run away crying for their mommy.

edit Nightwolf

Nightwolf is a Native American fighter who seeks revenge on Jack Thompson who torments his other natives, Nightwolf uses a pair of axes that can be used in cutting his enemies to pieces, in later games they were removed because Midway felt that they were too gory.

Signature moves:

  • Green Energy - Nightwolf shoots a green fireball, turning the opponent into a greenish person, this moves doesn't effect Reptile because he's green.
  • Cut Ya - Nightwolf cuts his opponent to pieces with his axes, this fatality was removed from the newest games because it was too gory and too violent.
  • Now You Will Pay! - This is what his gory Fatality was replaced with. Nightwolf walks up to the opponent and complains about how white people treated the Native-Americans and how they invade land and demands reparations. This bores his opponent into submission.

edit Darrius

Darrius is a African-American man who hired Dairou, a dumb Samurai fighter, to put Hotaru, the firefly man, into a giant glass bottle for some dumb reason, and won't tell anyone why. He wears his trademark shades to make people thinks he's better than Michael Jackson... which, by a wide margin, he is.

Signature moves:

  • Qariiiiiii - Darrius dashes and punches the opponent and yells "Qariiiiiii".
  • Shadebeams - Borrowed from Kano's Eyebeams fatality. This time Darrius shoots laser from his shades, the opponent will not die, but will realize that Darrius is better than Michael Jackson.
  • Poke of Death - Darrius pokes his opponent and they lose 99% of their health. It is considered the cheapest move in the universe.
  • (Fatality) Arm Bash - Darrius figures that he can save time and prevent himself from being sued by ripping off his own arms and beating his opponent with them. Unfortunately, it doesn't work out quite as well as he planned.

edit Dairou

Dairou (pronounced like "die-roo") is some kind of a middle-aged samurai who is balding. He's a mercenary and an asshole in that he's always cynical toward everyone. He's also the guy Darrius hired to bottle Hotaru, but he wonders if the huge glass jar for the job will do the job. Nowadays he wonders if he should get a better sword, because he's always using that lame-ass tiny excuse for a sword called an "autumn dao".

Some of his moves include:

  • Tombstone Drop - Dairou throws a tombstone at his foe, which attracts the attention of The Undertaker. They realize then they are screwed. It is the most abused move in MK history.
  • Iron Leg - For some reason, Dairou is walking around with an iron leg, which explains why he is so slow at movement and therefore sucks at speediness. However, this move is effective in that he stomps on the opponent's foot with it, causing serious damage. Too bad it's extremely slow.
  • (Fatality) How to Die - Dairou's Fatality where tries to figure out which way to kill his opponent. While this happens, his defeated foe wakes up and just sneaks away while he still contemplates, not realizing his victim ran off on him.

edit Goro

Goro, also known as "Prince of Fear" or commonly "Prince of Suicide" because he kills himself while killing the opponent, is a fake boss of this game (the real one is seems to be Shao Kahn or Shang Tsung, but Goro went to Midway and demanded replacing them with himself), he's a gory fighter who seeks the destruction of the Mortal Kombat tournament, he has 4 arms and has a close friend named Kintaro (also known as Tony the Tiger), he was eventually killed by the Shaolin monk Liu Kang using a stupid trap.

Signature moves:

  • Dragon Roar - Goro roars and scares the opponent, resulting in his/her death. He then looks in a mirror and the same effect happens on himself... and he dies.
  • (Animality) Dragon - Goro transforms into a horrific dragon, which the opponent bursts in flames with no reason. Then he bursts into flames too for some reason.
  • (Suicidality) Sound Attack - Goro beats on his chest with his four hands making such a sound that the victim gets a heart attack. This also ends up crushing his chest in, which ends up killing him.

edit Mileena

Mileena is actually the wife of an Islamic mullah named Mohamed Abdul Tariq Al Abdullah Hassan Hussein and you can't understand her when she talks. She lived her life as a harem dancer/prostitute until one day she sucked off a demon named Baraka and was punished by Allah for being a total slut. She now has a butt-ugly face and fights to kill Kitana for apparent reasons "She's prettier than me and she stole my toast the other morning". Tsk tsk.

  • Sky Kick - Mileena tries to jump-kick the opponent, only to fall flat on her ass.
  • Belly Dance - Mileena does the truffle shuffle and you see her belly ripple like waves.
  • (Fatality) Holy Shit!! - She takes off her shirt, revealing her horrible-smelling unshaved armpits, suffocating the opponent to death.

edit Baraka

Baraka is the happiest being in the universe ,but he can't understand people so he makes up what the say. In most cases when someone says "Hi" he will hear "tear off my penis and shove it up my ass". Baraka will do just that. Baraka is famous for his kisses which end up being bites which tear up his opponent's face. Okay Baraka is a nice guy but he just ends up killing people thinking he is doing them a favor.

During the elektions, Baraka went under the guise of "Baraka Obama", and sukkessfully defeated his elektorial kombatant, John McKano. Some of his moves include:

  • Grillz - Baraka shows his teeth and blinds the opponent temporarily.
  • Subliminal Messaging - Baraka thinks the opponent is telling to rip off his penis so he does. The opponent doesn't fall for it. It will only work on Hsu Hao.
  • (Fatality) Slicer - He sharpens his arm teeth and cuts you into a million pieces, which then you fall flat in slices like deli salami. He then eats you with mayonnaise.

edit Hsu Hao

Hsu Hao was a member of the Village People, and loved singing and dancing YMCA, but since he sings awfully bad and he is a bright yellow, really weird looking Mongol. They expelled him from the group.

Needing money, Hsu Hao then tried to make a living being a prostitute, but he only had two costumers, Michael Jackson and Bob Dole. Then the idiot sold his heart thinking it was useless. When he found out the heart was, in fact, an important organ he made a artificial heart with paperclips, a watering can, and duct tape. Still without money, he joined the Red Dog clan to be Mavado's bitch. He earns 10 dollars a month.

Signature moves:

  • Bouncing Doom - He goes Mario on his enemy and tosses Mario's flower fireball at the opponent. The damage is 0,0000000000000000001%
  • Macho Man - He starts to sing and dance. The image of him shaking his butt makes the opponent to kill himself. Except for Johnny Cage. He likes it.
  • Chest Laser - He shoots a laser out of his chest! Unfortunately, it gives him a massive case of heartburn. Literally.
  • I'm Bald - Hsu Hao shows off his baldiness by taking off his hat and using his shiny bald head to temporarily blind the opponent. For some reason, it also ends up blinding himself as well, making this move totally useless in return.
  • Grossality - Hsu Hao picks his nose, which grosses out the opponent so much that they explode for no reason.

edit Taven

Taven is one of two half-god brothers who's parents, for some weird reason, decided to seal them up in stone. They said it was to fulfill a certain destiny involving Blaze and a quest, but this is actually just rubbish; they got sick of putting up with Taven's incompetancy and Daegon's troublemaking, and decided to make that whole thing up just to dispose of them by way of getting them to kill each other somehow. Also, his real name is Bob.

His special moves include:

  • Ground Pound - Taven angrily punches the floor for no reason.
  • Speed of Light - Taven turns on a light bulb and is fascinated by the speed of light.
  • Escape! - Taven runs away and flees from the battlefield, resulting in an automatic win for the opponent.
  • Time Stop - Taven stops time like Dio Brando. But instead, because he doesn't have ZA WARUDO!!!, he screws up and causes the game to crash.

edit Daegon

The mischievous brother of Taven. Daegon woke up at an earlier time than he did, which meant he had more freedom to do what he wanted, thus he went on to become a juvenile dilenquient. Eventually he took over the Red Dragon after winning a gang brawl and is now their leader, investing in selling pot and being a jerk in general. Oh, and he shaved his head bald too.

His following special moves include:

  • Fiery Hands - Daegon sets his own hands on fire for no reason.
  • Cloak of Avoidance - Daegon pretends to be invisible, which only confuses his opponent until they punch him.

edit Jack Thompson

Jackthompson902 screen

Jack Thompson beating his Meat

Has long been discussed about with fans over if he is actually in the game. He recently appeared in 'Armageddon' with a back story telling players of his exploits taking down many a virtual drug lord and popping a legal cap into many a happy techhie gunner! Many players consider him very cheap. Skanky even.

Originally, Thompson was going to appear in Mortal Kombat 4, but this idea was scrapped.

He is the only political figure in a fighting game, except for The Senator from that Eternal Champions game. You know, the one with WAY better fatalities? Yeah, that one.

His very special moves (made even more 'special' by the fact he is special and goes to the special school...):

  • Lawsuit - Shoot a high velocity Lawsuit at the opponent. They are then put under trail to determine how dangerous they are to minors and are afterwards let off free to continue the match.
  • Hot Coffee - Shoots a stream of Hot coffee at the other player. Why? What did you think the move was going to do?
  • Protestality - He gathers a load of protestors and crush the opponent with its mob-like antics. They are then told off by their own kids.

edit Minor Characters

  • Mokap: A tribute of Carlos Pesina, who was Raiden's actor, nothing is known about him, he's a motion capture man with lamps in his shirt and pants. He is also Johnny Cage's personal friend sex slave.
  • The Executioner: Astaroth's rival. Unfortunately their rivalry soon ended when Taven killed him with a deadly fart shockwave. Damned bastard.
  • Belokk: A joke character but unlike other joke characters, his presence as a joke character makes his opponent laugh and his moves are very strong and unoriginal, such as a fatality which ends in the opponent exploding, which 98% of MK characters have. He was scrapped in Mortal Kombat Gold because he doesn't fit the game, and he moved to Star Wars instead. He's rumored to be a friend of Moloch and Tiger Woods, since he's seen golfing with the two every Wednesday afternoon.
  • Not-So-Great Kung Lao: Kung Lao's illegitimate love child mothered by his secret Shokan love slave. Due to a genetic mix-up, he has four heads instead of four arms, and uses four razor hats. Unfortunately, he has no arms to throw them with.
  • Great Kung Lao: Kung Lao's ancestor, he won many Mortal Kombat tournaments. One day Goro defeated him by performing his Dragon Animality, resulting in Great Kung Lao's demise, it is said that he was reduced to ashes. He was bald.
  • Great Great Kung Lao: Great Kung Lao's ancestor.
  • Great Great Great Kung Lao: Great Great Kung Lao's ancestor.
  • Ray Stevens: Great Great Great Kung Lao's golf caddy.
  • Kia and Jataaka: Two of Quan chi's personal sex slaves.
  • Li Mei's parents: Two very ashamed parents, one very happy daddy... brrrrr
  • John The Janitor: Another ninja lookalike that mops up the blood and gore after every match.
  • Dan Forden: TOASTY!!!!!!!
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